Christmas Day solution

[fretting123]

Back story .... DH has been in DS life since he was 4 and moved in with us when DS was 6. DH and I then had 2 DC relatively close together. DSs DF has been very present throughout his life (although very much a Disney dad with very lazy parenting ideas) and they have a good (albeit more like mates) relationship.

DH and my ex could NOT be more different. DH can be strict and authoritative and this was always difficult for DS, especially after spending time with his DF. DSs teenage years were typical (IMO) messy room, answering back etc. DH found this hard as did I, but my motto was 'pick your battles'.

Fast forward to last Nov (2nd lockdown). DS is now 17 and working full time. Not sure if the trigger, but he basically lost his shit, punched his TV and was in tears. Obviously I followed him to his room to see what the hell was going on, but he was too angry to talk. DH came up and DS screamed in his face 'this is all your fault'. I told DH to leave the room immediately and sat with DS till he calmed down. When he did he told me that he couldn't live her anymore, that he hates my DH and he had been wanting to say this for a long time but didn't want to upset me. He asked if I could phone my DPs (who he has a very good relationship with) and ask them if he could stay there for a bit, they agreed and said let him stay for a week then we'll talk about it. So off DS went. I was obviously distraught that evening and couldn't speak to DH about it. Unfortunately the following week, I caught Covid and was reasonably poorly with it. So the week at my DPs turned into 3.

When I could leave the house following Covid, I went to see DS and mentioned about coming back home and that things would change at home (I had talked at length with DH about the situation in this time) But my DS said he wasn't coming back.

It's now been a year. DS still at DPs house (thank fuck they are wonderful ) . I see him at every opportunity I have along with my DC and our relationship has never been better. Although I realise this is because I'm not having to pester him round the house etc. In this last year, DS has not stepped foot back in his home. Unfortunately DH works from home, I think he would have come around if this wasn't the case.

I'm completely worried about Xmas day plans. We always go to my DPs in the day ( we did last year, and DS just blanked DH and they both just bit their lips, not a great atmosphere but it was nice for the other DC ) Recently it was my DFs birthday, we all went around for a couple of hours, DS did not come out of his room due to DH being there and it was all quite upsetting for me that he choose not to (although I understand that he would have felt uncomfortable) I just don't think he would come out of his room on Xmas Day if we went around. I desperately want all my DC to be together on Xmas day but I don't see it happening. DH is of the option that DS is an adult and just needs to be grown up about it.

I'd be inclined to agree with DH in that it doesn't matter who you like or don't you need to be civil
For the sake of everyone else.

But it all seems so extreme that I can't believe there's not more to it. He hasn't stepped foot in his home of 17 years in the last 12 months? That's crazy. What's the issue between him and DH?

@Sweetmotherofallthatisholyabov

I'd be inclined to agree with DH in that it doesn't matter who you like or don't you need to be civil For the sake of everyone else.

But it all seems so extreme that I can't believe there's not more to it. He hasn't stepped foot in his home of 17 years in the last 12 months? That's crazy. What's the issue between him and DH?

Well, actually he did once. I asked DH to go out for the evening so DH could come round for dinner with other DC. DH wasn't happy about this, but did do it.

The backstory is I guess that they've never had a good relationship. Like I said, DH can be very authoritative and just completely different than DSs DF. I think DS just hates him so much and cant fathom ever having to see him again.

Your DS was relatively young to leave you and go live with his grandparents. He hasn't forced you to pick between him and your husband and he's gone somewhere he feels safe and secure which has enabled him to maintain his relationship with you and his siblings.

While the incident of hitting the tv was awful behaviour, it seems he took himself out of the situation that caused it. He seems to have made some very mature decisions.

I think his grandparents home should be his safe space and your husband should respect that and not go.

I feel just very caught in the middle. DH has said that DS is forever welcome home but home includes him being there.

@lunar1

Your DS was relatively young to leave you and go live with his grandparents. He hasn't forced you to pick between him and your husband and he's gone somewhere he feels safe and secure which has enabled him to maintain his relationship with you and his siblings.

While the incident of hitting the tv was awful behaviour, it seems he took himself out of the situation that caused it. He seems to have made some very mature decisions.

I think his grandparents home should be his safe space and your husband should respect that and not go.

You're absolutely right about him being mature and he does feel comfortable and safe at my DPs, which I will forever be grateful for. But, I don't feel I should expect my DH to not spend Xmas day (lunch) with his own DC. I just feel very torn. If it wasn't for our other DC, then this situation wouldn't have happened, I would have had to leave DH for DSs sake and I have told him this.

Sorry but what exactly has happened here? He's been the father figure in his life since he was 4, and suddenly he decides he doesn't like him? What's all that about? Could something have happened that you don't know about? You need to get to the bottom of this. It's not practical to keep them apart forever.

You are leaving out some key information here. Your DH has obviously behaved poorly because you said you spoke to him extensively about it and things will change? What on earth is going on that your DS can't even be in the same room as him?

@LindaEllen

Sorry but what exactly has happened here? He's been the father figure in his life since he was 4, and suddenly he decides he doesn't like him? What's all that about? Could something have happened that you don't know about? You need to get to the bottom of this. It's not practical to keep them apart forever.

No one single incident occurred. I think it was just over the years he grew to hate him. We have always included him in everything we've ever done as a family, holidays, days out etc. My DS is VERY stubborn, and if he doesn't like someone then that's it, there's no changing his mind. My DH is VERY stubborn too, if he asked DS to tidy his room at the weekend then he expected it to be done for example.

I feel sorry for your DH. You don’t mention abuse so I assume this is really just a case of not liking your DH.
Your son is old enough to realise he doesn’t have to like anyone but he should be able to be distantly polite if you are all together at your parents.
He doesn’t get to dictate that your husband of many years can’t visit your family.

@ErickBroch

You are leaving out some key information here. Your DH has obviously behaved poorly because you said you spoke to him extensively about it and things will change? What on earth is going on that your DS can't even be in the same room as him?

Yes, the things that will change convo was about not keeping on at DS about simple things, like leaving cups/plates in his room. It's the whole 'pick your battles' thing. I was happy for him to not tidy his room if it meant doing his homework on time, something like that. DH expected it all.

I think DH wants to sit down with DS and go over the past. But I'm not sure that's such a good idea, apart from the fact DS would never do this. I've told DH it's all about moving forward, but l'm at a loss of how to do this.

I would be so worried about my DS. Can you suggest family counselling for you and him to attend together? Then depending on how that goes possibly for your DH to join too in the future.

@user1486915549

I feel sorry for your DH. You don’t mention abuse so I assume this is really just a case of not liking your DH. Your son is old enough to realise he doesn’t have to like anyone but he should be able to be distantly polite if you are all together at your parents. He doesn’t get to dictate that your husband of many years can’t visit your family.

I kind of feel sorry for him too, but at the same time, I don't want to make my DS feel uncomfortable where he feels comfortable (at my DPs) I realise that DS is very unlikely to ever live at home again.

No, no abuse taken place. DH could have 'talked' a bit nicer to him over the years in hindsight.

It sounds like their bad relationship was swept under the rug for too long and then it eventually bubbled over. I think if DS and DH are going to attempt to talk it out there needs to be a neutral third party to mediate.

Honestly OP for now I would allow your DS the opportunity to see you and his siblings by himself with out having your DH around.

Go visit your DS and parents for an hour or two at Xmas and leave your DH at home.

You are not attached to your DH hip but your DS is your son. If your DH complains then I would point out it’s his authoritarian behaviour which has led him to this point and he needs to take heed incase his bio children do the same when they are older.

So DH has been a bit of a twat towards ds over the years and the first person to do something about this was ds years later - to be spoken to unreasonably for years would take its toll on anyone, let alone a child.
I'd be telling DH to find somewhere else for Christmas lunch, time with your ds who is so unhappy is more important. He must feel terribly alienated.

I don’t feel sorry fir your DH, he sounds really controlling. Which will be really hard for a teenager who is trying to figure himself and self regulate. He must have been incredibly frustrated

I feel sorry for you being out in the middle of it and your DS having to move out/get away from him.

You had a son with someone laid back and moved in an authoritarian figure when your son was 6, then had 2 more kids, and now have prioritised DH over DS for a year, during DS crucial exam years?

DH is of the option that DS is an adult and just needs to be grown up about it.
I think DS is being grown up. He's taken himself out of a situation that's he feels has been ongoing for a long while and last year became intolerable. He still sees you and his siblings and is safe at his GP's house. Despite your wishes for Christmas day, your DS is old enough to have his own wishes.

I don't think you are caught in the middle. Your ds made his choice and you accepted his decision.

He doesn't get to live with his mum and siblings because of your choice of partner. He hasn't made a fuss, he had one outburst and then took charge of his life.

He shouldn't be forced into hiding in his home. If you want to eat dinner with your husband then have it at home and go see your DS later. Your ds doesn't have to be the one to make sacrifices and compromises every time.

I don't feel sorry for your h. He's got to stay in the house and now has an easier life because his stepson lives elsewhere.

Your son has acted maturely and i find it heart breaking that he was tolerating your h for years because he didn't want to hurt your feelings.

I would see your parents without your h on the 25th. He has you and his kids 364 days a year and if your parents live close, he can still have breakfast or supper with his kids that day.

Your ds has been very grown up. He's removed himself rather than make home life a misery for everyone else (which is what teens without grandparents would have to resort to) and he tolerated your h for years to spare your feelings. If he'd confessed how he felt when much younger, would that have changed things ?

Is your h authoritative with the kids you have together or was that treatment only for his stepson ?

Oh tricky. To me this sounds like a child who has been on some level allowed to think he can do what he wants from his dad. Then rebelled when someone else has come along and said actually no, you aren't in charge.

Then is doing this whole chose me thing. I imagine the personality may not get on between DS and DH but both have to be expected to act like adults and be civil. Him stomping off to another house is like a toddler throwing toys out the pram. It's a control thing. At his age though I suppose he will be trying to assert some control over his life, right now there are hormones in play.

Personally I wouldn't pander to it, maintain the relationship with DS. I would also say to both I expect you to be civil to each other like adults. I wouldn't force them together but I also wouldn't go out of my way to hide DH in a closet.
Tell them both you love them but it's up to them to handle the situation like adults. Christmas is no expectation, if you don't take DH your basically approving of DS actions to not act with basic adultness, he's of a age where actually he has to be held accountable. Awkwardness and all.

Tbh OP I think you're being a bit harsh on your DH.

Presumably your DS hasn't even seen him since last Christmas, so how come he's gone from reluctant civility then to not even entering the room at your dad's birthday? It doesn't sound like your DH has actually done anything wrong except wanting your DS to be a bit more tidy etc - just normal nagging of a teenager really.

If this is honestly all there is to it then I think your focus should be on getting your DS to behave like an adult and be civil to his stepdad, rather than on worrying about your DS being made uncomfortable by your DH attending Christmas at your DPs with his wife and his own children.

It sounds to me like they do need to sit down together and, if nothing else, agree to be civil and in the same room, for the sake of you and the rest of their family.

Your son has voted with his feet so you have to accept his decision. You know mistakes were made in how your husband treated his stepson over the years so tell your son how sorry you feel about that. In time, maybe your son and husband will mend their fallout.
I think you could spend maybe Christmas Eve with your parents but you have to really keep your remaining family together.
Do you love your husband still? Is he a good father to the younger kids?
I also think part of this is natural. Your son is a young man and is individuating. This is part of growing up really.