Christmas Day solution

[fretting123]

Back story .... DH has been in DS life since he was 4 and moved in with us when DS was 6. DH and I then had 2 DC relatively close together. DSs DF has been very present throughout his life (although very much a Disney dad with very lazy parenting ideas) and they have a good (albeit more like mates) relationship.

DH and my ex could NOT be more different. DH can be strict and authoritative and this was always difficult for DS, especially after spending time with his DF. DSs teenage years were typical (IMO) messy room, answering back etc. DH found this hard as did I, but my motto was 'pick your battles'.

Fast forward to last Nov (2nd lockdown). DS is now 17 and working full time. Not sure if the trigger, but he basically lost his shit, punched his TV and was in tears. Obviously I followed him to his room to see what the hell was going on, but he was too angry to talk. DH came up and DS screamed in his face 'this is all your fault'. I told DH to leave the room immediately and sat with DS till he calmed down. When he did he told me that he couldn't live her anymore, that he hates my DH and he had been wanting to say this for a long time but didn't want to upset me. He asked if I could phone my DPs (who he has a very good relationship with) and ask them if he could stay there for a bit, they agreed and said let him stay for a week then we'll talk about it. So off DS went. I was obviously distraught that evening and couldn't speak to DH about it. Unfortunately the following week, I caught Covid and was reasonably poorly with it. So the week at my DPs turned into 3.

When I could leave the house following Covid, I went to see DS and mentioned about coming back home and that things would change at home (I had talked at length with DH about the situation in this time) But my DS said he wasn't coming back.

It's now been a year. DS still at DPs house (thank fuck they are wonderful ) . I see him at every opportunity I have along with my DC and our relationship has never been better. Although I realise this is because I'm not having to pester him round the house etc. In this last year, DS has not stepped foot back in his home. Unfortunately DH works from home, I think he would have come around if this wasn't the case.

I'm completely worried about Xmas day plans. We always go to my DPs in the day ( we did last year, and DS just blanked DH and they both just bit their lips, not a great atmosphere but it was nice for the other DC ) Recently it was my DFs birthday, we all went around for a couple of hours, DS did not come out of his room due to DH being there and it was all quite upsetting for me that he choose not to (although I understand that he would have felt uncomfortable) I just don't think he would come out of his room on Xmas Day if we went around. I desperately want all my DC to be together on Xmas day but I don't see it happening. DH is of the option that DS is an adult and just needs to be grown up about it.

@serengtisprinter

Honestly OP for now I would allow your DS the opportunity to see you and his siblings by himself with out having your DH around.

Go visit your DS and parents for an hour or two at Xmas and leave your DH at home.

You are not attached to your DH hip but your DS is your son. If your DH complains then I would point out it’s his authoritarian behaviour which has led him to this point and he needs to take heed incase his bio children do the same when they are older.

I think this may be the answer. Dinner at home and take my DC alone later on to DP. Although DH is equally as strict with our DC, they are completely different characters than DS was. They don't argue back, tidy up after themselves etc (although of course, things may well change!) This isn't saying that DS was particularly difficult, just 'normal' really. Tbh, DH isn't even overly strict, he is just always worlds apart in parenting than DS DF ever was.

@MrsPleasant

So DH has been a bit of a twat towards ds over the years and the first person to do something about this was ds years later - to be spoken to unreasonably for years would take its toll on anyone, let alone a child. I'd be telling DH to find somewhere else for Christmas lunch, time with your ds who is so unhappy is more important. He must feel terribly alienated.

Agreed, my DC are the most important in all of this.

Chat to ds, ask if there is a way to move forward where he can be in same room as dh at special occasions such as Christmas or siblings birthday and be civil. Compromise that you don't expect more than that.

If ds won't agree then I think Christmas at your own home and a visit to your parents and ds for an hour or so after dinner is best solution. Bring siblings if dh will agree, if not go alone.

Ds being in room avoiding dh or not seeing him at all on Christmas day would not be an option for me.

@serengtisprinter

I don’t feel sorry fir your DH, he sounds really controlling. Which will be really hard for a teenager who is trying to figure himself and self regulate. He must have been incredibly frustrated

I feel sorry for you being out in the middle of it and your DS having to move out/get away from him.

I wouldn't say he is controlling at all. I would say he could have spoken 'nicer' on occasions to DS.

@pianolessons1

You had a son with someone laid back and moved in an authoritarian figure when your son was 6, then had 2 more kids, and now have prioritised DH over DS for a year, during DS crucial exam years?

I don't think I've ever prioritised DH. I've made it crystal clear to him that all the DC are the priority. DS sat his exams and choose to go into work rather than college, fully supported by us. He had extra tutoring 2 hours a week, so he was never forgotten about at all.

So @fretting123 are you saying your DH has been a twat?? Or that he's not even that strict actually?

I really think the usefulness of responses here depends on whether you feel that your DH has been truly out of line in his treatment of your DS, or whether it's your DS's reaction which is disproportionate?

It has read to me that your DH hasn't really done anything wrong but your DS has taken against him because he's got a different style from his dad, he got fed up of being nagged and feels a bit 'you're not my dad' about the whole situation. If that's the case then I don't see why your DH should be getting any of the blame really.

@luverlybubberly

Is your h authoritative with the kids you have together or was that treatment only for his stepson ?

Yes, he's strict, but they are really well behaved kids. Not in an unhealthy sense, they still try and push the boundaries occasionally. I'm fully aware they may not always be this well behaved.

@luverlybubberly

Your ds has been very grown up. He's removed himself rather than make home life a misery for everyone else (which is what teens without grandparents would have to resort to) and he tolerated your h for years to spare your feelings. If he'd confessed how he felt when much younger, would that have changed things ?

I would like to think things would have changed.

Op you say “ Not sure if the trigger”

I would suggest you try to find out what happened

I really feel for you. And for your DS. it’s a bit of a mess.

We have always included him in everything we've ever done as a family, holidays, days out etc.

This does make it sound as if your DS is not part of the family though - is that how he feels?

If it wasn't for our other DC, then this situation wouldn't have happened, I would have had to leave DH for DSs sake and I have told him this.

Who did you tell, your DH or your DS - either way, it's just saying you are not going to do anything. How do your parents feel about all this, I'm assuming they are supportive of your son because a week has turned into a year! I feel your parents are stuck in the middle here. What are your son's plans for the future?

@AthenaPopodopolous

Your son has voted with his feet so you have to accept his decision. You know mistakes were made in how your husband treated his stepson over the years so tell your son how sorry you feel about that. In time, maybe your son and husband will mend their fallout. I think you could spend maybe Christmas Eve with your parents but you have to really keep your remaining family together. Do you love your husband still? Is he a good father to the younger kids? I also think part of this is natural. Your son is a young man and is individuating. This is part of growing up really.

Xmas Eve may have been a solution, but DS will be working then probably out drinking (it's also our wedding anniversary!)

@AthenaPopodopolous

Your son has voted with his feet so you have to accept his decision. You know mistakes were made in how your husband treated his stepson over the years so tell your son how sorry you feel about that. In time, maybe your son and husband will mend their fallout. I think you could spend maybe Christmas Eve with your parents but you have to really keep your remaining family together. Do you love your husband still? Is he a good father to the younger kids? I also think part of this is natural. Your son is a young man and is individuating. This is part of growing up really.

And yes, I do love my DH. But I feel since all this happened that something has changed in our relationship. He is a wonderful DF to our DC. We both work FT (shift work for me) so very equal parenting.

What age are your DC?

@HolidayTime2021

What are you doing to support your children still at home? Are they safe?

My DC are 100% safe.

I think you need to make sure your DS sees he an maintain a relationship with you and his siblings separately to your husband.

There will be so many special occasions in the future, Christmas dinner is a drop in the ocean.

Will you feel uncomfortable going to his wedding without your DH? Having a relationship with potential grandchildren?

I think you probably haven't seen how badly affected your ds has been from having a man he doesn't get along with in his life. The decisions and control of the relationship is with the adults. He's claimed his space back as soon as he could age wise.

I wouldn't be forcing him into a corner over Christmas.

Also. This stuck out to me

DH is of the option that DS is an adult and just needs to be grown up about it.

You know what they say about opinions. Your DH doesn’t get to dictate how your DS feels and what his boundaries are.

@CointreauVersial

I could have written this word for word - I was your DS.

I also acquired a "strict" stepdad aged 4, in contrast to flaky/fun/transient biological DF. DSDad and DM went on to have my younger DB.

Like your DS, there was no single event that triggered things, but over the years I grew to like DSDad less and less, and by the time I reached my teens could barely tolerate being in the same room. He wasn't a bully, particularly, we just didn't get on. He rarely disciplined me, he just moaned to DM about my behaviour, so I never felt I could be myself at home. The late teens is such a tricky time, asserting yourself as an adult but still being a child at home.

My escape was boarding school from 11, and as soon as I hit 17 and could drive I started to spend most of the holidays with DF (who had by then remarried a lovely woman). Like you, my DM was very upset by this, but maintained the links as much as she could. And she recognised that, like your DS, it was the mature thing to do, to take myself out of a situation where I was stressed and unhappy.

Just to finish my story, and give you some hope, eventually I went off to university and moved into my own home, as you do.....and over the years, slowly but surely, I began to soften towards DSDad. Once it was no longer an adult vs child situation I could see why DM married him, and we got much closer. He turned into an amazing, caring grandparent. He died last year, and I did a reading at his funeral.

As for Christmas Day, well, tricky. I would like to think that, as your DS was mature enough to remove himself from the home environment he is also mature enough to realise that sometimes you have to put your feelings aside for the benefit of the family and younger siblings, and to allow you to spend Christmas together. Have a chat with him and explain how much this means to you - maybe suggest he sits down for the meal, but is allowed to absent himself afterwards. Likewise, make sure your DH is on best behaviour.

Thank you for your story. I think we all parent our first born slightly differently as we're learning as parents for the first time. I'm sure DH has learnt his lesson. But our DC are just so different to how DS was at there age.

@Skyll

What age are your DC?

8 and 10

OP you said yourself that your DH isn't even overly strict with your DS. I think it's quite an unfair solution to go over to your parents with his two children for more than an hour or so at Christmas, if at all.

Your DS is the one creating the issue here.

I'm a step parent and I would not agree to miss out on half of the day with my DD for this reason.

Your DH Hasn’t parented his own teens yet then.

@Skyll

Also. This stuck out to me

DH is of the option that DS is an adult and just needs to be grown up about it.

You know what they say about opinions. Your DH doesn’t get to dictate how your DS feels and what his boundaries are.

Absolutely. DH wants to sort it out, but can't think how to whilst DS won't even be in the same room as him. Although i always get so upset when we talk about the whole situation that I think this puts him off bringing it up. He has reached out to DS, a text on his 18th etc.

Has he properly apologised? I mean - he sounds awfully dictatorial from how you’ve described him.

@Skyll

Your DH Hasn’t parented his own teens yet then.

Yup, I think our DD will be challenging as at 8 already a bit cheeky.

@aSofaNearYou

OP you said yourself that your DH isn't even overly strict with your DS. I think it's quite an unfair solution to go over to your parents with his two children for more than an hour or so at Christmas, if at all.

Your DS is the one creating the issue here.

I'm a step parent and I would not agree to miss out on half of the day with my DD for this reason.

I will talk to DS this week about how he feels regarding Xmas day and take it from there. I'd hate my own DC not being with me for all of Xmas day, but I hope DS will say he's comfortable with ALL of us being at DPs for a couple hours.

Your children are well-behaved because they see what happens if it's not 'his way'. Thank God your eldest has loving grandparents to make up for your lacking.