Christmas Day solution

[fretting123]

Back story .... DH has been in DS life since he was 4 and moved in with us when DS was 6. DH and I then had 2 DC relatively close together. DSs DF has been very present throughout his life (although very much a Disney dad with very lazy parenting ideas) and they have a good (albeit more like mates) relationship.

DH and my ex could NOT be more different. DH can be strict and authoritative and this was always difficult for DS, especially after spending time with his DF. DSs teenage years were typical (IMO) messy room, answering back etc. DH found this hard as did I, but my motto was 'pick your battles'.

Fast forward to last Nov (2nd lockdown). DS is now 17 and working full time. Not sure if the trigger, but he basically lost his shit, punched his TV and was in tears. Obviously I followed him to his room to see what the hell was going on, but he was too angry to talk. DH came up and DS screamed in his face 'this is all your fault'. I told DH to leave the room immediately and sat with DS till he calmed down. When he did he told me that he couldn't live her anymore, that he hates my DH and he had been wanting to say this for a long time but didn't want to upset me. He asked if I could phone my DPs (who he has a very good relationship with) and ask them if he could stay there for a bit, they agreed and said let him stay for a week then we'll talk about it. So off DS went. I was obviously distraught that evening and couldn't speak to DH about it. Unfortunately the following week, I caught Covid and was reasonably poorly with it. So the week at my DPs turned into 3.

When I could leave the house following Covid, I went to see DS and mentioned about coming back home and that things would change at home (I had talked at length with DH about the situation in this time) But my DS said he wasn't coming back.

It's now been a year. DS still at DPs house (thank fuck they are wonderful ) . I see him at every opportunity I have along with my DC and our relationship has never been better. Although I realise this is because I'm not having to pester him round the house etc. In this last year, DS has not stepped foot back in his home. Unfortunately DH works from home, I think he would have come around if this wasn't the case.

I'm completely worried about Xmas day plans. We always go to my DPs in the day ( we did last year, and DS just blanked DH and they both just bit their lips, not a great atmosphere but it was nice for the other DC ) Recently it was my DFs birthday, we all went around for a couple of hours, DS did not come out of his room due to DH being there and it was all quite upsetting for me that he choose not to (although I understand that he would have felt uncomfortable) I just don't think he would come out of his room on Xmas Day if we went around. I desperately want all my DC to be together on Xmas day but I don't see it happening. DH is of the option that DS is an adult and just needs to be grown up about it.

candlelight right from the OP she blames the issue on her DH parenting so differently from her ex. It isn't until further on that she acknowledges her DH could have behaved better. It doesn't sound as if the Ops son is badly behaved (she said so herself) so he clearly hasn't been that damaged by his father's parenting. Too many parents blame their ex for things that are happening in their house, my own DM used to do this a lot. It's a very lazy and convenient excuse.

Meant to add, the Ops son seems to be coping/functioning very well- he's been holding down a FT job since the age of 16.There is no evidence from the OP that her ds is a spoilt, disneyed child that cannot accept boundaries or rules. I think there is a lot more to this and OP needs to look very objectively at how her DH has made her ds feel. Even Ops mum has picked up on it.

@sunnyandshare I mean again it's about all perspectives. She has openly acknowledged DS dads role in this and you can pretend that Disney dadding is fine because DS has a job but that's probably more a credit to her DS than to the dad himself, she then openly chose the opposite of that with her DH, there's a reason for that. She has also said DS is a young 18, again that didn't happen by no reason.

It's easy to place the blame at one persons door, it's also easy to judge from a place of only seeing one side of the story, she's openly spoken about her own role and DH role. Placing the blame on one person solely will not solve this problem although would make certain parties feel better I'm sure.

Whether mum disapproves is moot point as mum doesn't have to live and raise the children together. This is for op to decide and I frankly don't think she needs anymore judgement.

I'm gonna say it again, asking a child to clean up after themselves doesn't make him a monster nor is a unreasonable expectation.

candle I totally agree that asking a child to clean up a room is fine. You are right, it is all about perspective, but we are only seeing that of Ops. She hasn't said that her ds compares the parenting, she just said they have never got on and she is attributing the problems to this. It would be very interesting to hear the ds' perspective.

@sunnyandshare

candle I totally agree that asking a child to clean up a room is fine. You are right, it is all about perspective, but we are only seeing that of Ops. She hasn't said that her ds compares the parenting, she just said they have never got on and she is attributing the problems to this. It would be very interesting to hear the ds' perspective.

It would be very interesting to hear the DHs, too.

@sunnyandshare

OP has said her DM treats her son like a prince, in other words, it doesn't exactly follow that she is an unbiased source of judgment here. Similarly, though OP has said she blames her DH for all this, she has also said he wasn't actually overly strict, and she's near unable to think of anything he's actually done wrong.

I think you are reading things to fit your narrative of what happened to your nephew here, but that is projection. I don't know how you've read that DH is badly behaved whereas DS isn't, because actually there's an awful lot more evidence of the latter.

[quote candlelightsatdawn]**@fretting123* Agreed the blame doesn't lie with just one individual, DH could have been less strict, DS could have made more of an effort ( he was particularly defiant when asked to do things by both DH and I) and I should have realised how bad the relationship was between them.*

Ok given that, do you think that a tiny bit of you is placing your own guilt and maybe upset you feel with DS onto DH ? As he's literally the only safe person left to blame, without any extra fall out.

This ^ combined with this I feel DH could have done more to sort this all out (not that I know what)

Is telling. You punish DH for the entirety of it, but rationally can't think of any way he could have prevented it or changed it.

If you punish someone usually it's because they have done something wrong and you feel there was another way to act. The problem is your punishing him and (probably yourself a tiny bit) without any route idea of how DH could have to prevent this happening. That's unfair.

Misplaced guilt is something that usually is placed on SMs but in this case it's the step dad. I really hate saying that as a mum and as a step mum but here we are. I don't think DH actions are proportional the reaction from DS. I also come from a blended family so have seen all sides.

In a normal family parental figures control children from the top down but in blended families it tends to be the opposite due to guilt of first families not making it for whatever reason. It's unhealthy for children and marriages alike because the control is consistently being battled over. You just don't get people apologising for being in a standard 2.0 family as you do a second family. If you have this dynamic it pays out in weird ways.

I think personally you need to step back from trying to fix this (given SC age) step back from taking sides (unless there's been real abuse from DH you can visibly see and my advice would be different) step back from blaming DH and punishing him and step back from your guilt and let everyone be. It's hard if your the fixer in the family god knows I know. But somethings can only be fixed with a I love you both, your both adults so adult.
I say all this if you truly want your marriage to work and ultimately your DS to come around.

If you wish to actively insert yourself and side with DS no one here would blame you but realise it will be the death of your marriage and you won't just carry the guilt of what happens with DS but the other children who will lose out having a parental unit. Either your in or your out so to speak.

My mum seemed like a wick witch of the west when I was a teenager and rebelling but now actually I saw that she was trying to help me become the best version of myself. But hindsight is such a beautiful thing she gave me the gift of space. Which actually made me come around quicker than if she had tried to fix it.

Sometimes at that age you don't want to be fixed you just want to be angry. Let him be angry.
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Agree with this, it sounds like you know your DH wasn't unreasonable in anything he did but you also can't bring yourself to blame your DS to the same extent as you're blaming him.

At the end of the day, step-parent and step-child can be a difficult dynamic and it doesn't sound like either of them are really in the wrong or have done anything terrible. Your DH parented as he always has and normally would (no difference in treatment from his own children) and your DS baulked at being told off by someone who isn't his dad. All natural.

What would happen if your DH went round to your DPs and tried to actually talk to your DS about this? Could that be an option?

OP I honestly don't think your dh has done anything wrong and I say that from a child's perspective where both my parents has chosen their new partners over me. My step dad at the time beat me up in the garden, was witnessed by my sister and my mum didn't believe me and I went to live with my dad where similar things happened there. I won't bore you with the rest of my childhood miseries.

Shit didnt mean to post so soon!

I think you're misplacing the blame tbh. You and your dh were the adults of the house. It doesn't appear that your dh wanted anything unreasonable. Pick your battles doesn't mean you let them get away with things. What should have happened is that you and dh decided on the house rules between you both and then both stuck to them.

Children need boundaries. It's their second stage of attachment and needs to happen ideally between the age of 1 and 2. Thats when babies realise they can cry to get their wants met as well as their needs. Children, inc teens, need boundaries to feel safe. Thats probably why your dc are different dc to your eldest. Your eldest by the sounds of it didn't have consistent parenting throughout his childhood.

Don't beat yourself up about it. It is what it is and your son is happy with your mum. You need to now negotiate an adult relationship with him. His brain won't be fully developed in empathy yet to be able to see his own fault in this but you can start by helping him with that.

I kinda feel you allowed your ds to play you and dh off each other. You can have a seperate relationship with him at the moment but don't let yourself be split and be against your dh. It really doesn't sound like he's done anything wrong.

I don't think it's possible for any of us to tell who was in the wrong here.

It sounds like you were busy with the younger two and left your older one to be parented by someone who wasn't his parent and who had a very different way about it than his dad. I know a lot of blended families prefer to let the biological parent take the lead on discipline and it sounds a bit like your DP overreached himself and it didn't go down well.