Christmas Day solution

[fretting123]

Back story .... DH has been in DS life since he was 4 and moved in with us when DS was 6. DH and I then had 2 DC relatively close together. DSs DF has been very present throughout his life (although very much a Disney dad with very lazy parenting ideas) and they have a good (albeit more like mates) relationship.

DH and my ex could NOT be more different. DH can be strict and authoritative and this was always difficult for DS, especially after spending time with his DF. DSs teenage years were typical (IMO) messy room, answering back etc. DH found this hard as did I, but my motto was 'pick your battles'.

Fast forward to last Nov (2nd lockdown). DS is now 17 and working full time. Not sure if the trigger, but he basically lost his shit, punched his TV and was in tears. Obviously I followed him to his room to see what the hell was going on, but he was too angry to talk. DH came up and DS screamed in his face 'this is all your fault'. I told DH to leave the room immediately and sat with DS till he calmed down. When he did he told me that he couldn't live her anymore, that he hates my DH and he had been wanting to say this for a long time but didn't want to upset me. He asked if I could phone my DPs (who he has a very good relationship with) and ask them if he could stay there for a bit, they agreed and said let him stay for a week then we'll talk about it. So off DS went. I was obviously distraught that evening and couldn't speak to DH about it. Unfortunately the following week, I caught Covid and was reasonably poorly with it. So the week at my DPs turned into 3.

When I could leave the house following Covid, I went to see DS and mentioned about coming back home and that things would change at home (I had talked at length with DH about the situation in this time) But my DS said he wasn't coming back.

It's now been a year. DS still at DPs house (thank fuck they are wonderful ) . I see him at every opportunity I have along with my DC and our relationship has never been better. Although I realise this is because I'm not having to pester him round the house etc. In this last year, DS has not stepped foot back in his home. Unfortunately DH works from home, I think he would have come around if this wasn't the case.

I'm completely worried about Xmas day plans. We always go to my DPs in the day ( we did last year, and DS just blanked DH and they both just bit their lips, not a great atmosphere but it was nice for the other DC ) Recently it was my DFs birthday, we all went around for a couple of hours, DS did not come out of his room due to DH being there and it was all quite upsetting for me that he choose not to (although I understand that he would have felt uncomfortable) I just don't think he would come out of his room on Xmas Day if we went around. I desperately want all my DC to be together on Xmas day but I don't see it happening. DH is of the option that DS is an adult and just needs to be grown up about it.

@Tempusfudgeit

Your children are well-behaved because they see what happens if it's not 'his way'. Thank God your eldest has loving grandparents to make up for your lacking.

This is such an extreme response. Strict is a very subjective term, you have no idea if anything was actually lacking, you're jumping to conclusions.

@Tempusfudgeit

Your children are well-behaved because they see what happens if it's not 'his way'. Thank God your eldest has loving grandparents to make up for your lacking.

Omg where are these comments coming from?? OP hasn't said anything for someone to make this kind of assumption?? Her husband is not abusive, he's just stricter with kids' behaviour than her ex! I'd imagine that's why the 2 younger children are well behaved so far.

@Skyll

Has he properly apologised? I mean - he sounds awfully dictatorial from how you’ve described him.

Nothing OP has said makes her DH sound like a dictator. This child's dad is a Disney dad and wants to be his pal, by comparison someone who asks them to clean their room must be a overlord.

You couldn't make this stuff up. The outright shaming of the Op is crackers.

@Skyll

Has he properly apologised? I mean - he sounds awfully dictatorial from how you’ve described him.

Apologise to DS? Is so no. We discussed him writing a letter, but agreed not to (this was early on) When we talk about it DH agrees that maybe he should have been more chill about stuff.

He needs to apologise. And stop dictating how your DS should feel.

He doesn’t sound great tbh

Is there a reason why your DS went to your DParents and not his DDad's?

@Justmuddlingalong

Is there a reason why your DS went to your DParents and not his DDad's?

His DD lives with his sister since we separated. She's quite odd, but it's her house and he's lucky to probably pay next to nothing to live there. There was a 3rd bedroom but she is using that now to work from home. Living with his DF would not be ideal, he would eat like shit and his DF has zero motivation.

@Skyll

He needs to apologise. And stop dictating how your DS should feel.

He doesn’t sound great tbh

Yes he does. He isn't perfect, but he's no monster.

A family Christmas often involves spending time with someone we don't get on with that well. Yes this is different because it's your DH and DS (rather than a MIL / uncle / whatever), but still, I think that DS should put his feelings aside and sit down for Christmas lunch with all of you. Then maybe DS could step away for a couple of hours and DH could leave early - a sort of rota so they're not in each other's presence but the rest of you get to spend time together?

I hope you can find a compromise OP.

@Tempusfudgeit

Your children are well-behaved because they see what happens if it's not 'his way'. Thank God your eldest has loving grandparents to make up for your lacking.

I don't think this is the case at all. I'm forever grateful for my DP, I'm not sure what would have happened otherwise.

I wonder if in 10 years time you'll find that your other two DC are equally disenchanted with your DH; that would indicate that the issue is indeed him, not your DS. as another poster has said, your DH hasn't parented his own teens yet.

I do feel sorry for your DS, it must feel overwhelmingly like you've sided with your husband over him.

Your son has made his choice, you can' t force him to like your husband, and your husband probably much prefers him not being there. Maybe in time the situation will improve, l would try and spend more time alone with your son, he does still need his Mum.

If your DS was fed up with just being told to pull his weight at home, his DDad's, where the parenting would be lax at best, would surely have been his first port of call. I think you're not getting the whole story from either DS or DH. Have your DParents not had any kind of explanation from DS that they'd share with you?

How do you feel about your DH now that you know the whole of your relationship with him, your DS couldn't stand him?

You said since it happened your relationship feels different. I think I would feel the same as you. Regardless of fault, if my child was repelled by someone that much, I would feel differently towards that person.

Only read your posts OP, and honestly, I could see my mum saying pretty much every word you’ve said. Your sons position here is resonating very much with me. My SD also moved in when I was 6 and I moved out at 17, and have never gone back, because of him. Despite wanting to still live with my mum, I wanted to live away from him enough that that couldn’t happen. I’d have made the same choice to live away from him when I was still at primary school if I’d had the power to. My SD wasn’t awful, but he was too strict and I had no reason to like him, or him being in my home that I’d been happier in without him.

I’m late forties now I have a pleasant and civil relationship with my DM and SD, and I know I would be welcome to live with them if I ever needed to. On the outside, everything is fine, just like you my Mum was always trying to do her best and to let me know she loves me. But ultimately, it feels like she chose him and her own happiness over mine, when I was still a child and nothing has really changed since, so we are never going to have the close relationship either of us would wish for.

The only think I can think of to say to you that might be helpful OP is don’t see this a problem just because Christmas is happening and you want everyone to play happy families. This is a problem that needs fixing every day, and you need to be doing more to make your home feel like a place your ds wants to be sometimes. Even if it does mean that your DH has to go out sometimes. He’s the grown up and he can take his own advice to graciously act like one.

@LethargicActress Expecting someone to regularly leave their home where they are living with their children, especially when you are over 18 as he soon will be, is not behaving like an adult, you don't actually have to indulge it in the name of being the bigger person.

I understand that your empathy is with the son because of your own experience but there are more than one important perspectives to be considered here, it isn't all about that one person.

Surely when everyone in question is an adult, there is no need to tiptoe round it quite so much, in terms of making DH go out so DS can come over?

All that's happened is this situation has speeded up DS leaving home, he is 18 now and working full-time so potentially only had a couple more years left living at OP's anyway. DH has admitted he could be less strict, has said DS is welcome back any time and has tried to make contact since this has happened - the rejection is all from DS's side at this stage.

At his age, surely it's down to DS to decide whether to come over and be civil to his stepdad in order to see his mum and siblings, or to decide he'd prefer to continue to see OP elsewhere, including at his grandparents where he lives and where OP presumably visits frequently with her younger kids too?

I don't really understand why, when DS is an adult, OP should be finding ways to get her husband out of the house so he can visit?

@Immunetypegoblin

I wonder if in 10 years time you'll find that your other two DC are equally disenchanted with your DH; that would indicate that the issue is indeed him, not your DS. as another poster has said, your DH hasn't parented his own teens yet.

I do feel sorry for your DS, it must feel overwhelmingly like you've sided with your husband over him.

I feel so sorry for him too, and for the last year I feel like I'm a different person, not depressed, just gutted and sad I guess.

I suppose the difference being with our DC is that they love their DF and we don't need to be strict (yet) with them.

@LethargicActress

Only read your posts OP, and honestly, I could see my mum saying pretty much every word you’ve said. Your sons position here is resonating very much with me. My SD also moved in when I was 6 and I moved out at 17, and have never gone back, because of him. Despite wanting to still live with my mum, I wanted to live away from him enough that that couldn’t happen. I’d have made the same choice to live away from him when I was still at primary school if I’d had the power to. My SD wasn’t awful, but he was too strict and I had no reason to like him, or him being in my home that I’d been happier in without him.

I’m late forties now I have a pleasant and civil relationship with my DM and SD, and I know I would be welcome to live with them if I ever needed to. On the outside, everything is fine, just like you my Mum was always trying to do her best and to let me know she loves me. But ultimately, it feels like she chose him and her own happiness over mine, when I was still a child and nothing has really changed since, so we are never going to have the close relationship either of us would wish for.

The only think I can think of to say to you that might be helpful OP is don’t see this a problem just because Christmas is happening and you want everyone to play happy families. This is a problem that needs fixing every day, and you need to be doing more to make your home feel like a place your ds wants to be sometimes. Even if it does mean that your DH has to go out sometimes. He’s the grown up and he can take his own advice to graciously act like one.

Thank you for this. I'm hopeful in time that DS will feel relatively comfortable around DH, I don't see it happening anytime soon.

@Interrobanger

How do you feel about your DH now that you know the whole of your relationship with him, your DS couldn't stand him?

You said since it happened your relationship feels different. I think I would feel the same as you. Regardless of fault, if my child was repelled by someone that much, I would feel differently towards that person.

When DH and I talk about it, I refer to it like he's cheated on me, like a before and after type of thing. Kind of like, it'll always be there, but how can we move on? Although, unlike an affair, I haven't come across anyone in this situation.

I guess I feel resentment towards DH, but I do love him. He's very caring and extremely reliable and really is a good Dad.

@Justmuddlingalong

If your DS was fed up with just being told to pull his weight at home, his DDad's, where the parenting would be lax at best, would surely have been his first port of call. I think you're not getting the whole story from either DS or DH. Have your DParents not had any kind of explanation from DS that they'd share with you?

No, DSs DF has always been welcoming when DS has stayed overnight over the years, but has never put himself out for him, such as set up a bed in the spare room etc (this was an option over the years) Instead he would sleep on the sofa whilst DS slept in his bed. DS I think, always felt he was putting his DF out when staying round. They have a good relationship, but more of a 'matey' one, his DF is lazy with no motivation or drive (in fact he doesn't even drive) Not a good role model.

@IgneousRock

A family Christmas often involves spending time with someone we don't get on with that well. Yes this is different because it's your DH and DS (rather than a MIL / uncle / whatever), but still, I think that DS should put his feelings aside and sit down for Christmas lunch with all of you. Then maybe DS could step away for a couple of hours and DH could leave early - a sort of rota so they're not in each other's presence but the rest of you get to spend time together?

I hope you can find a compromise OP.

This is true, but I don't want DS to feel uncomfortable on a day that should be fun!

@Justmuddlingalong

If your DS was fed up with just being told to pull his weight at home, his DDad's, where the parenting would be lax at best, would surely have been his first port of call. I think you're not getting the whole story from either DS or DH. Have your DParents not had any kind of explanation from DS that they'd share with you?

My DPs, in particular my DM has always been very involved with all the DC, childcare, sleepovers etc. She has always been vocal of the extremes between ex and DHs parenting and has actually fallen out with DH a couple years back about it. She worked many years with teenagers in her career, and always said that boys and their step fathers was such a tricky relationship (she's not wrong!) My DPs want it sorted as much as I do. Not because they don't want him there, but DM is concerned for when he has a GF and eventually his own DC and doesn't feel like he can visit me with them.

@Justmuddlingalong

If your DS was fed up with just being told to pull his weight at home, his DDad's, where the parenting would be lax at best, would surely have been his first port of call. I think you're not getting the whole story from either DS or DH. Have your DParents not had any kind of explanation from DS that they'd share with you?

Also, he would always stay at my DPs one night a week and my DM would treat him like a King, breakfast in bed, dinner would be his favourite etc. I can see why he'd choose their over his DFs house. I've had many arguments the last 12 months with my Ex about him trying to find a solution, like they get a place together or something. But he always finds an excuse to not pull his weight. But, I am grateful that he has always been present and reliable in DSs life.

Your DM fell out with your current DH over his parenting?