what I can't understand more is that the kids dads are that weak willed they let them do it.
In most cases ime it's not a case of weakness (although that's sometimes true) but that they begrudge any financial support of a reasonable amount or even in too many cases, at all to their ex (they often don't see it as supporting their kids)
I'm in a rare position that my dds stepmum is actually a decent person so all the crap my ex has pulled of this type has absolutely been all him! In the early days she was even able to influence him to behave better sadly that stage has now passed and it simply causes them to argue as well. When he wasn't paying any maintenance I found out he'd told his parents and her that not only was he paying maintenance but he was paying more than he "had to". My response to this (as I had nothing to hide) was to provide ex in laws and stepmum with copies of bank statements of mine and letters and emails between me and csa with me chasing them to chase him! Which meant they knew the truth and managed at that time to shame him into paying something then csa finally got their butts in gear too and things went well for a short while on that score.
He never really paid cms/csa maintenance consistently, regularly or in full, didn't pay any at all first few years as I said and as soon as dd hit 16 and left school (we're in Scotland) he stopped paying in the June (he wasn't supposed to until the august) and cms washed their hands of the whole matter despite £10,000's in arrears!
When dd was younger and I still lived near him on the infrequent occasions she did see him for vintage clothes, toys, books, bags etc would end up left at his place and I'd have to somehow replace them.
In the early years I was working but on low income and on benefits, this was before the rule change on maintenance counting towards benefits assessments. If he paid ANYTHING dwp assumed he'd pay the rest either later or in cash and deduct maintenance at csa level assessed penny for penny from my benefits. As a result money was VERY tight and I had to go without food, clothes etc in order to ensure dd had her needs met.
Op really doesn't seem the type even if I disagree with some of her opinions/ways
But I am aware irl of some stepmums who begrudge every penny that goes to the ex - again not seeing it as supporting the dc
Re Netflix watchlist I dread to think what people would make of mine! It's a mix of really old tv shows, horror movies and obscure documentaries 
My earliest post I agreed op didn't have to pay for Netflix at Dhs ex wife's home it's not ops responsibility - but I do think it's a bit mean of dad not to.
I'm privileged?!!! Hahahahaha I wish!
Wc background, left school at 16, left abusive home at 17, I've had periods where I've been a bit better off mainly when living overseas with ex where cost of living was cheaper and wages a bit better but that was only a few years, raised dd as a single mum on benefits - whether I was working ft or not, currently disabled and on benefits (I keep saying currently as I live in hope of managing to work SOMEHOW again at some point though as I hate not working, worked full time aside from maternity and uni since aged 16, in reality it's unlikely but I'm hanging on to any vestige of hope)
Privileged?! I wish! I really do hahahahahaha
Equally if he is a low earner, how do you expect him to pay more for his first child than his second? Again that's very privileged and entitled to be honest.
I NEVER said he should pay MORE for 1st child/ren than second/subsequent children, all his children should have the same financial support from him regardless of where their main home is he is still one of their parents and should act so.
That's really more a case of op and dh acting privileged. If he's a low earner frankly as I said he should have thought twice or three times before having another dc, but I don't think that's the case here.
Rps generally don't have more children Willy nilly they not only can't afford to generally - they're actively sanctioned for doing so by our govt via the 2 child rule! Yet nrps aren't affected by this rule - even when they also have more than 2 children attracting benefits payments - which is deeply misogynistic! Certainly unjust
it's about peoples exceptions of what life style should be benefited by the first family at the cost (quite literally) of the second.
The vast majority of the time it's the reverse!
The 2nd family does a lot better at the expense of the 1st!
@Sidehustle99 agreed
Interested to know if the deleted posts re mh earlier on were directed at me, perhaps by posters aware of my posting history?
Yes I have ocd, depression, anxiety and agoraphobia.
None of which disqualifies me from commenting nor makes my comments unreasonable I don't think.
Glad they were deleted which tbh rarely happens on mn with mh disablist posts
I am surmising from all the comments op has made that money isn't particularly tight in her household, that is why I personally found the £10 on a gift per child rather...odd
It's not about consumerism per se but in current Uk living costs £10 doesn't get much at all and i do think kids feel that. I've had phases where money was v tight and I've even posted ideas for those experiencing similar, getting creative can be a necessity at times. But excepting those in current genuine poverty I think £10 is very very minimal for a child of whom you are a parent/parental figure.
Christmas for me wasn't the happiest experience growing up - even though at times we did well present wise - because spending Christmas trapped with a violent alcoholic is at the very least tense! I actually still get tense at this time of year as a result its not my favourite celebration. So I totally get it's NOT all about the gifts.
Dd and I had some little things, traditions I guess, that we developed over the years that were personal, fun and either free or very cheap. It's those dd remembers best and most fondly according to her. But I'd also at least try and get her some nice gifts especially as she got older so she didn't feel quite so "different" to other kids, which is very important to kids. Unfortunately we do live in something of a consumerist society and kids do tend to tap into that at various stages.
Toddlers aren't really aware of it they're just happy unwrapping stuff and playing with the boxes 
my sil once gave her 2 as toddlers large boxes filled with balloons and tissue paper and they loved it! Dd once asked Santa for coleslaw and broccoli for Christmas! (Which Santa did somehow manage although he was a bit worried about the coleslaw not staying chilled)
Its more as they get older - and I tried to counteract that as much as possible! I drummed into her not to fall for advertising or branding which she mostly was ok with, teens were the trickiest stage. Now aged 20 she's impossible to buy for!
I've her 21st coming up in feb and I've not a clue what to get her as she's not a jewellery/keepsake type person, she's more about doing things but as it's all still so unpredictable with covid I'm wary of getting her eg a concert ticket or similar as that might get affected or she might get a positive test and not be able to go etc
Gift choosing is hard!