AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

@eeek88

I think you’re being entirely reasonable to want to enjoy special things with your baby and to be thinking ahead financially . The only part of it that I’m not so sure about is the photos on the wall. Just make sure each child is evenly represented because 1) it’s the sc’s home as well as yours and 2) it’s the kind of thing a child can easily count and conclude that you like them less because there are less photos of them and 3) don’t let your bedroom become a shrine to the youngest because I guarantee the older ones will snoop and it might feel weird to them if there’s an obvious imbalance.

As for the other stuff: of course sc should have savings accounts if baby does. Their dad can arrange it. Of course you can’t magic up more tickets, or can cancel, if sc suddenly appear on a day where you have plans. What you can do is involve them in the planning stage. ‘Hi kids, we’re planning to feed the ducks one day with baby and my parents. Do you want to join us or shall we arrange for a day when you’re not going to be around?’ If their plans then change but you offered them chance to come , and your arrangements can’t be changed, then it’s fine.

A shrine? A couple of pictures is not a shrine.

And no, their dad should be doing all of this. Not op.

@Rainallnight

I don’t understand these men who expect women to do all this emotional labour for THEIR children

I don't understand women (or men) who have a child with someone who already has children. It's a recipe for disaster.

It is never going to be equal or fair or 'the same' for anyone involved. Everyone feels shat on and hard done by because the situation is fundamentally messy and unequal. This isn't a 'blended family', it's a mess of various half families with two resentful adults making life difficult for all of the children involved, none of whom had any choice in being in this situation.

YANBU at all OP. I do think your relationship may be in trouble though.

What you can do is involve them in the planning stage. ‘Hi kids, we’re planning to feed the ducks one day with baby and my parents. Do you want to join us or shall we arrange for a day when you’re not going to be around?’ If their plans then change but you offered them chance to come , and your arrangements can’t be changed, then it’s fine.

That's totally unnecessary, OP can and should spend time with her family without her step children when they aren't around, her family may not even want this.

I think it’s a combination of him being embarrassed that he hasn’t done any of these things for his DC and anger that he can’t fob them off on you whenever it suits him.
Definitely ignore him.

@Rainallnight

I don’t understand these men who expect women to do all this emotional labour for THEIR children

This all of this.

I would tell him to swing a cat and leave tbh

@FortunesFave Also...you know that having photos of your children in the bedroom is a bit odd? How can you enjoy sex with your kid looking at you!?

...you know that this is the weirdest and creepiest thing I've read on MN in a while??

OP, none of what you have said seems unreasonable at all to me.

@shylatte

I can totally see his point and yours. Imagine if you are the one with previous children and you had a new baby. Your dp sits in the evening making an album of his baby, takes his baby off to visit family alone, sets up a savings account for his baby. Nothing wrong with that per se, it's his first baby and obviously he is more attached to it. However, it sends a message to you (and over time the dsc) that you are not a family unit, where the children are equal.

What nonsense.

If DH wants a photo album with his DC in it, he can sit with OP in the evening & make one.
If he wants to visit OP when she & baby visit family, her can go too.
If he wants a savings account for his DC, he can start one.

He doesn't wan to do these things.

What he wants is for OP to do an album of his kids.
He wants OP to take his kids with her when she visits family, despite them being there unplanned - the very reason she arranged her own family visit!
He wants OP to set up savings accounts for his kids to match the one for the baby.

He is one of those men who play at family life, but are in fact putting all the onus & demands on their wife.

He has HAD his special time with his young babies. OP has not, this is her first & only time, & he is spoiling it for her.

His demands are so batshit unreasonable (how dare you save for your own child! Why aren't you saving for mine! Despite the fact that I don't!?) that I think he's just using them as a form of undermining & control.

The only thing I think is unreasonable if only having photos of him in the bedroom, and not of all of the children.

@Flainling

With the days out, DH and his ex are always switching or swapping regular days, it would be impossible for me to guarantee that every time I plan something DSC definitely won't end up being around. So what do I do? Just expect my family and myself to change plans or cancel at the last minute every time because DH and his ex have decided the days are changing?

Are days getting swopped because you are at home at the moment and can act as a safety net?

I get your concerns.

But you have to want to make this work. It's all very well people saying your DH is a prick, ignore him, but that surely is a route to divorce with both partners feeling increasingly resentful.

It's all about compromise and stepping back and seeing what is actually reasonable and fair.

The trip to the farm, for example. For a 10 month old! Surely you can see that a 10 month old is too young to really benefit from a farm experience. He benefits from being out and about with his family, of course, but the actual farm is neither here or there really. Now, the older DCs would benefit from it and would've enjoyed it. Surely its nice for all the siblings to spend time with each other. I would've absolutely taken them rather than pulling a face and excluding the older ones.

But I agree with you 100% regarding the savings account.

I live in a blended family myself btw.

@Duckrace

The only thing I think is unreasonable if only having photos of him in the bedroom, and not of all of the children.

OP has pictures of her child on her bedside table. He is perfectly at liberty to have pictures of his on his.

I'm not in a blended family and each of my children have a photo album of just them (along with family albums of course). I didn't think that was weird? It's his responsibility to do albums of his own children, set up their bank accounts etc. I think he is just shirking and expecting you to pick up the slack. Also, I doubt you can't win because step mums often have an awful time if they are deemed to overstep the boundaries and take on too much of what is seen to be the bio mum's role. Do just tell him to fuck off.

Pontypandytaxpayer
blink1eight2

I'm a stepmum. I asked about the return to work, because it's relevant to how this plays out. The DH and his ex appear to be colluding to push the OP into a 'handmaid to the first family' role. Her time is considered unimportant, her plans must be changed to suit whatever DH and ex agree upon without consulting her. This setup is more valuable to the DH and ex than OP working, because childcare at zero notice is hard to come by - and this appears to be what they want.

If OP returns to work, she gets back more control over her time, and it does no harm to have increased financial muscle. However, it shows up the basic meanness of the current situation, because this last year was her only opportunity to be mum in this very precious way.

Did the ex have the opportunity to be SAHM when her children were small? Does this play in?

@Flainling

With the days out, DH and his ex are always switching or swapping regular days, it would be impossible for me to guarantee that every time I plan something DSC definitely won't end up being around. So what do I do? Just expect my family and myself to change plans or cancel at the last minute every time because DH and his ex have decided the days are changing?

This is MN, your subsequent child is less important than the prior children because you chose to have them knowing there were more important children already about. You can't treat them like you would your own older kid ie not put them in the baby album except incidentally or not take them to toddler play because they're 10. You must never do anything they can't and don't want to do.

Back in RL
Making a photo album of DS we have lots of albums of first born because he as around earlier so we made a point of making an album primarily of the twins. All both our kids.

taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time sometimes I take the twins and leave DS, sometimes the other way round
They're different ages, that's fine. If DH organises a day out for them all and you refuse toet them coem that's different but that clearly isn't happening

ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday well that's Xmas sorted. Get him a picture frame categorically for the bedroom with pics of his kids in. Cheap and easy!

apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him that's seriously just "fuck off" territory.

setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS I so you've shown him up because you are saving for your kid and he isn't saving for his

How old are the DSC?

You have every right to enjoy your baby without being guilt tripped and ruining the experience for you.

I have to ask if you're the one doing everything for the DSC when they come? Cooking, cleaning, entertaining them, etc.

The way I see it, your DSC don't seem to feel left out.

This is all your DH.

@aSofaNearYou

What you can do is involve them in the planning stage. ‘Hi kids, we’re planning to feed the ducks one day with baby and my parents. Do you want to join us or shall we arrange for a day when you’re not going to be around?’ If their plans then change but you offered them chance to come , and your arrangements can’t be changed, then it’s fine.

That's totally unnecessary, OP can and should spend time with her family without her step children when they aren't around, her family may not even want this.

Think to yourself what it would be like to live a life where you cannot decide to take a baby to feed the ducks in the park with your mother without having to:

1. Check whether your husband and his older children want to do it
2. Rearrange to a time when the older children aren’t with their dad if they don’t fancy it.

Do people even stop to consider what it’s actually like to live feeling like you have to avoid doing totally normal and pretty mundane things with your child because you are tiptoeing around a nonresident father who is uptight about his other children.

It’s just unreasonable.

Then you can add on the fact that the annoying nonresident father keeps chopping and changing his contact arrangements with no notice. And then expects you to rearrange your plans to suit him.

The trip to the farm, for example. For a 10 month old! Surely you can see that a 10 month old is too young to really benefit from a farm experience. He benefits from being out and about with his family, of course, but the actual farm is neither here or there really. Now, the older DCs would benefit from it and would've enjoyed it. Surely its nice for all the siblings to spend time with each other. I would've absolutely taken them rather than pulling a face and excluding the older ones.

People on MN seem to really have something against babies. What do you mean a ten month old(!) doesn't get anything out of going to a farm? You could say that about anything, do people really think babies and toddlers should just be at home staring at a wall because their older siblings would get more out of anything they do?

You've also ignored the fact that tickets were booked for this trip, there was no "face pulling", she couldn't take them at the last minute, the other option was to cancel.

On top of all that, you've ignored the fact that this was a day trip with OPs family. They may not have a relationship with the SC or any desire to form one, to put it bluntly, they arranged a day with their daughter and grandson. Just like the dad in this case has family commitments that are different to his wife's and must be respected, so does she. That seems to be forgotten by so many on here.

Egh you cannot give equality in a blended family. You can however adjust equity in a blended family. Think of it like investment, whether it be time or money.

It is up to each biological parent to give a child his or her equity/investment .

However it is not up to the OP tol up DH children's equity if he feels it is unbalanced.

It seems bizarre to me that people automatic assumptions is SC will feel pushed out or not part of the family because they are part of a blended family. It's almost like people feel guilty and a need to apologise/ make up for the fact the first family split. A step parent cannot fill that void or hurt feelings caused by that. They also didn't cause it that's up to mum and dad to fix and invest.

If you look at it from a equity perspective SC have two parents that fill up their investment - a step parent is a third investor (a added bonus ect) so actually tend to have more equity because of the blended family, combined with extras added in because people need to consistently apologise for first family go wrong.

Now if the balance is truly out of whack between SC and second child, that's usually down to mum or dad massively under funding that child's stock/investment. Then by comparison the second child is getting more because mum and dad are doing less by nature. Instead of putting more in they go around pointing the finger defaulting back in to what is easiest for them (mum - my child are being pushed out) (dad - your not doing enough) shit rolls down hill is the saying here.

This come into direct conflict when your taking about removing equity aka punishment from a SC which is usually when people start saying oh well your not their parent they have two parents to do that.

The discrepancy is as clear as day. I don't know how people don't get this tbh

I say this as a child of a blended family.

@Flainling

I also think he can't say he doesn't think these things are important but then moan at me for not doing them for DSC. Are they important or not? If so, why isn't he doing them?

It's a good question. Have you asked him?

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

It actually sounds like YABU to me. You can't just take your own child out on a day out without your stepchild, regardless of planning in advance. Stop thinking about your DH and think how genuinely left out and pushed to one side your stepchild feels, you have a duty to invite them fully into your family if you've chosen to be with a man with other children, not necessarily savings accounts but photos and days out absolutely

If DS had plans one day and I'd booked tickets to do something with DTwins, and then DSs plans changed, I would go out without him. He's 6. He'd spend the day with DH and they'd have fu without babies around. They all have the same parents. That's life. Equality isn't about treating everyone in precisely the same way. There will be opportunities for DS that don't involve DTwins.

Similarly OPs DH has the right to take his older kids out without the baby

@Flainling

I also think he can't say he doesn't think these things are important but then moan at me for not doing them for DSC. Are they important or not? If so, why isn't he doing them?

Because he views it at women's work OP.

& you - what with your independent mind & self esteem & all - are spoiling it for him with your non-compliance.

He has such a fucking cheek to whinge at you for ... not doing things for his DC which he is also, signally not doing. The savings account example is breathtaking. He refuses to save for his kids, but is so jealous of you doing so for the baby that he demands you also do so for his? While he ... er ... doesn't?

I couldn't live with this level of illogical, twat-headed unreason.
YABU for just thinking "FUCK OFF & let me enjoy my child"
You need to bloody well say it.
Point out his hypocrisy.
Tell him how deeply unattractive people with double standards are.

You are still on maternity, right?
How was he with the domestic drudge split before you were pregnant?
How is he now?
Do you see a future point when you are both back full time, happy with both the financial AND the household chore split?
When he actually steps up to parent his kids when he spots how you parent your baby - rather than mantumming "you gave the baby a savings account! Why didn't you give my kids a savings account?" ... because this is the most worrying one for me.

It's not about the money. It's about his lack of responsibilty - once he sees a disparity - that instead of stepping in to fix it himself, he feels justified in demanding that you fix it. For him. So he doesn't have to.

This a very immature & selfish mindset.
Good luck OP. Time for some riot act reading.

The DH and his ex appear to be colluding to push the OP into a 'handmaid to the first family' role.

This is also one of the more bizarre posts. Not sure where the ex has actually done anything wrong? OP says herself she's a great and loving mum to the OPs DSC

It does absolutely sound like DH can't be arsed to do any emotional parenting to his own children though so expects OP to do it for them all

@ChargingBuck 👏🏼 spot on

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

It actually sounds like YABU to me. You can't just take your own child out on a day out without your stepchild, regardless of planning in advance. Stop thinking about your DH and think how genuinely left out and pushed to one side your stepchild feels, you have a duty to invite them fully into your family if you've chosen to be with a man with other children, not necessarily savings accounts but photos and days out absolutely

I'm sure the stepchildren would LOVE to be taken round OP's boring parents, to do boring things, with a boring baby.

Because it's not like they've come round to visit their actual dad, is it?

Is OP not allowed to see her own family whenever DSC are around?
Do you view her as some kind of adjunct to her DH, who is incapable of entertaining his own kids without her?
Ridiculous.