AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

If he didn't go down the photo album route with his children, that is no reason why you shouldn't. If he thinks there should be more photos of the SC around, fine, he can sort it out. If he wants the SC to have savings account, he can sort it out with their mother. When you're looking after a baby who is wholly dependent on you, you are bound to give him more attention. He really is being pretty ridiculous.

DSIL has two children by her first marriage and two by DB. DB loves them all, not least because he obviously got to know the SC first, but DSIL fully accepts that it's a different bond with his own children. Plus, as they're so much smaller (6 months and 2), they inevitably need more hands-on care. It will even out as they get older.

I think your partner is a fucking idiot and yes tell him to fuck off, you should also tell him if he likes the ideas you have for DS then do them himself, he needs to open his own account for DSS and pay his own money in as you do.
Stand up for yourself tell him to stop being a lazy fucking parent and get off his arse and do things himself instead of expecting you to do it, you are not their mum and do not want to stand on her toes, but you on the other hand are their father so you parent them, like I do our son.
Tell him everything, get it all off your chest otherwise you will have This for the rest of your life. X

@EvenRosesHaveThorns

It actually sounds like YABU to me. You can't just take your own child out on a day out without your stepchild, regardless of planning in advance. Stop thinking about your DH and think how genuinely left out and pushed to one side your stepchild feels, you have a duty to invite them fully into your family if you've chosen to be with a man with other children, not necessarily savings accounts but photos and days out absolutely

Why should OP's child and her family be constantly pushed to one side whenever the DSC turn up unexpectedly? Surely her being out of the house is an excellent opportunity for some father/child bonding? There are so many activities that older children will enjoy where having a baby around would really limit what you can do.

What's your evidence that OP's stepchild feels pushed to one side at all?

I would be interested to hear his side of this - I bet it looks quite different. I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same.

You seem to be approaching this from what YOU want - bonding time with YOUR baby. Your stepchild is your baby's sibling. You need to HONESTLY ask yourself, whenever you are tempted to "leave out" your stepchild, would you do that if they were your biological child? If the answer is no, then you are being unreasonable. Your stepchild didn't ask to be part of a blended family and the very least he deserves is to fill every bit as loved and welcomed in his home as his sibling. If you can't make this happen then you should get help, perhaps therapy, to learn how.

@Helloise

I would be interested to hear his side of this - I bet it looks quite different. I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same.

You seem to be approaching this from what YOU want - bonding time with YOUR baby. Your stepchild is your baby's sibling. You need to HONESTLY ask yourself, whenever you are tempted to "leave out" your stepchild, would you do that if they were your biological child? If the answer is no, then you are being unreasonable. Your stepchild didn't ask to be part of a blended family and the very least he deserves is to fill every bit as loved and welcomed in his home as his sibling. If you can't make this happen then you should get help, perhaps therapy, to learn how.

Question for you are you a step parent ?

@shylatte

I can totally see his point and yours. Imagine if you are the one with previous children and you had a new baby. Your dp sits in the evening making an album of his baby, takes his baby off to visit family alone, sets up a savings account for his baby. Nothing wrong with that per se, it's his first baby and obviously he is more attached to it. However, it sends a message to you (and over time the dsc) that you are not a family unit, where the children are equal.

I don't think it does send that message. If I were in that situation, I think I would find it quite weird if my partner decided to set up savings accounts for my children - unless, just maybe, he was super rich with lots of money to spare or wanted to do it to save tax or something. Otherwise I would feel that that is for me and my ex to sort out.

There will always be tensions and inequalities in this situation, but first and foremost it is for the parents of the stepchildren to do what they want to do to support them, not for their subsequent partners.

@Helloise

I would be interested to hear his side of this - I bet it looks quite different. I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same.

You seem to be approaching this from what YOU want - bonding time with YOUR baby. Your stepchild is your baby's sibling. You need to HONESTLY ask yourself, whenever you are tempted to "leave out" your stepchild, would you do that if they were your biological child? If the answer is no, then you are being unreasonable. Your stepchild didn't ask to be part of a blended family and the very least he deserves is to fill every bit as loved and welcomed in his home as his sibling. If you can't make this happen then you should get help, perhaps therapy, to learn how.

Lol. In that case her step children better not ever go away and stay with their other parent as the baby doesnt. And let's hope they get disciplined in the same way too.

It's impossible and frankly it's stupid.

@Helloise

I would be interested to hear his side of this - I bet it looks quite different. I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same.

You seem to be approaching this from what YOU want - bonding time with YOUR baby. Your stepchild is your baby's sibling. You need to HONESTLY ask yourself, whenever you are tempted to "leave out" your stepchild, would you do that if they were your biological child? If the answer is no, then you are being unreasonable. Your stepchild didn't ask to be part of a blended family and the very least he deserves is to fill every bit as loved and welcomed in his home as his sibling. If you can't make this happen then you should get help, perhaps therapy, to learn how.

I do things 1:1 or 2:1 with my own children all the time - isn't that normal in families? Especially when there is an age gap.

I take my youngest swimming on her own.
I'm taking my oldest on a day trip to London alone.
My husband has taken the older two camping without the youngest.

It's normal in most families to do baby things with the baby and not always take all the children.

I don't understand women (or men) who have a child with someone who already has children. It's a recipe for disaster.

It is never going to be equal or fair or 'the same' for anyone involved. Everyone feels shat on and hard done by because the situation is fundamentally messy and unequal. This isn't a 'blended family', it's a mess of various half families with two resentful adults making life difficult for all of the children involved, none of whom had any choice in being in this situation

This is true of every single step or adoptive family in the world.
They are all - ALL! - hotbeds of misery, mess & resentment.
There ought to be a law! "Procreate solely with one other person, or suffer the consequences!"

Obviously this is true, & any stepchild or stepparent saying otherwise is just WRONG. Because @BudgeSquare says so.

You need to HONESTLY ask yourself, whenever you are tempted to "leave out" your stepchild, would you do that if they were your biological child? If the answer is no, then you are being unreasonable

But would the answer necessarily be no? In lots of families parents divide up to take different children to different activities and places, simply because the children may not share the same interests and/or there may be an age discrepancy which just means that that way is better. These children have only missed out on two pre-planned outings in the last 10 months, both of which have been small child focussed, and there has been nothing to stop their father giving them an equivalent treat. Is the reality that he wanted to palm them off onto OP and her family?

You are really not being unreasonable at all! I'm normally wary of people who treat step children differently because I've been the unwanted step child, but you are honestly doing nothing wrong.

Days out with just your DC can be particularly tricky, especially if it is something your step children would want to do, but you are already doing the right thing by planning that stuff when they aren't supposed to be there! You definitely shouldn't cancel. He should use that time to do something with his DC (who are presumably a couple of years older) - there must be stuff he wants to do with them which would be a pain to bring a baby to.

I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same.

So - you've not actually tried doing that, have you?

I don't get the "treat exactly like your biological child" argument. It's not possible is it really? I've never been a mother to them nor have they wanted me to be. I'd be treading all over their actual mother's toes as well. You can spout it as an ideal online of course but in reality it doesn't work in every single family.

@Duckrace

The only thing I think is unreasonable if only having photos of him in the bedroom, and not of all of the children.

Then OP's husband can put some up.

Why is it OP's responsibility?

Your stepchild didn't ask to be part of a blended family and the very least he deserves is to fill every bit as loved and welcomed in his home as his sibling.

I wonder how that works the other way round? What about when the SC's mother takes them for a treat that the youngest doesn't go on, or when her parents invite them to a holiday home without their youngest brother?

Obviously no-one would expect the SC's mother to organise any of that. So why can't the youngest have the occasional day out on his own?

@Flainling

I don't get the "treat exactly like your biological child" argument. It's not possible is it really? I've never been a mother to them nor have they wanted me to be. I'd be treading all over their actual mother's toes as well. You can spout it as an ideal online of course but in reality it doesn't work in every single family.

No it isn't and more to the point if you try to claim any of the responsibilities or privileges of the mother you will be shot down in flames.

Your relationship with the DSC seem entirely normal - they have a mother already.

You are not there to be an ad hoc childminder for their actual parents whenever they find it convenient to dump the kids on you. They need to parent their own children first (and tbf, the ex may not realise that DH doesn't discuss these changes with you or that he is expecting you to fill his own parenting gaps with them)

I would be interested to hear his side of this - I bet it looks quite different.

Yes because it's mumsnet courtroom and you are not the jury or judge so by the very essence of the platform yes it's one sided. In words of my lovely SDS "duh". Yes two sides to every story. Shall we invite DH on here to give his accounts so it's fair ? Or we just using that as a subtle way to undermine what OP has said.

I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same.

Ok great so in reverse I should insist as my DSD mum to make sure all her family contribute financially to the second families child too. Obviously since we are going by children not asking to be part of a blended family... or does this only apply to members of first family...

You seem to be approaching this from what YOU want - bonding time with YOUR baby. Your stepchild is your baby's sibling. You need to HONESTLY ask yourself, whenever you are tempted to "leave out" your stepchild, would you do that if they were your biological child? If the answer is no, then you are being unreasonable.

My DSD has come over with contact with her dad, not to visit me, as fond of me as she is. She is entitled to his time and if i have a occasion which isn't prebooked she's welcome to come. However the world doesn't just spin on one child and the step child has two parents who need to step up. The Op took her DC to the farm without DH.It wasn't a family outing where DSC was missing out on contact time with dad.

Your stepchild didn't ask to be part of a blended family and the very least he deserves is to fill every bit as loved and welcomed in his home as his sibling. If you can't make this happen then you should get help, perhaps therapy, to learn how.

I suspect your not a step parent which means you have never walked in these shoes which means your perspective is a personal one, Funny you mention therapy I would recommend taking your own advice.

The trip to the farm, for example. For a 10 month old! Surely you can see that a 10 month old is too young to really benefit from a farm experience. He benefits from being out and about with his family, of course, but the actual farm is neither here or there really. Now, the older DCs would benefit from it and would've enjoyed it. Surely its nice for all the siblings to spend time with each other. I would've absolutely taken them rather than pulling a face and excluding the older ones.

Of course they could have joined this trip @THisbackwithavengeance - assuming last minute arrangements/tickets etc could be made.

The DH could have said "change of plan, the kids are coming, so let's pack up the car & ALL go with your folks to the farm."

He didn't do that though, He just bitched & whinged at the OP for going, & expected her to take the DSC.

How is his refusal to take his own kids out OP's fault in this case?

You are the one in the right other than making the biggest mistake of your life in marrying someone who already had a child!

I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same

But, realistically, how do you balance that with recognising the rights of the other parent? If you insist on treating all the children then same way, that means either she gets no say at all or, if you do accommodate her, then you can never do anything with your own child alone on the days when they aren't with you because that would mean giving him an extra treat that they don't have. And how do you equal things up when the SC have a treat with their other parent? If your family can't or won't treat all the children exactly the same, are you going to go NC with them and deprive your own child of that relationship?

I think you have to be realistic about these things. What you are advocating is simply an impossible ideal.

@Platax it's not about equality which you right pointed out is impossible but equity that each member of the house has. Parents contribute to a child's equity. DH hasn't been investing in DSC and resents OP for investing in hers and expects her to make up the shortfall.

Couldn't make this stuff up really you couldn't

@Flainling

I couldn't set them up a bank account any way as it has to be a parent. I'm not sure why it's my fault that he's never bothered to do it before. He could have, he still can. I've no problem with him doing that. I can't afford to match it by myself though AND what my family put in for DS. He can do that if he wants, I'd never stop him.

He is the one who is solely responsible for setting his account up, not you.

How is he as a parent himself with his own DC?

There is nothing wrong with you wanting to put that little more effort in to your own child, His DC has his own mother. As log. As the child isn't pushed or left out of family plans and feels welcome but that's mainly up to your partner to sort, not you

It is so frustrating when these dads get like this but equally take no action themselves.

If he sees a photo of DS in his bedroom and feels there should be on of SCs, why doesn't he take it upon himself and put one up?? Instead of getting arsey with his wife about it.

There is nothing to stop him doing any of the things OP has done for their son for his older children, but he'd rather try and push OP into doing it for him.

This seems odd to me. You seem like separated parents with your own finances rather than a family- almost as if it’s him and his dd and you and your dc and your family.

Not all couples bank together.

@Platax

I VERY strongly believe that no one should ever join a blended family unless they are willing to treat their stepchild exactly as they treat their own child, and to advocate and even insist that step-grandparents/step-aunties and uncles do the same

But, realistically, how do you balance that with recognising the rights of the other parent? If you insist on treating all the children then same way, that means either she gets no say at all or, if you do accommodate her, then you can never do anything with your own child alone on the days when they aren't with you because that would mean giving him an extra treat that they don't have. And how do you equal things up when the SC have a treat with their other parent? If your family can't or won't treat all the children exactly the same, are you going to go NC with them and deprive your own child of that relationship?

I think you have to be realistic about these things. What you are advocating is simply an impossible ideal.

Agree.

If I was to treat my SCs exactly as I'd treat my own child then presumably I'd be wading into discussions over which school they go to, going to parents' evening, taking them to doctor's appointments and deciding what treatment they have, ditto with dentists and whether they'll have braces.....there are so many things that actually the step-parent does not and should not get involved in.

Unless the other parent is not present in their lives, the step-parent cannot treat children fully as their own as it's not desirable to anyone in the situation. My SC's mum would have a few choice words to say to me if I tried to involve myself in any of the things mentioned above, and more.