AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

In actual actual fact people are saying. “If the man won’t do it then you better bloody well make sure you do it”. yup it's classic "wifework" like birthday cards etc but with added emotional blackmail of Think Of the Chiillldreeeen

I have this issue. I have 2 children from previous marriage and he has 1 but was never married. We have one together. He treats mine as my kids but I am expected to be mum to his. He layers on his guilt for not living with his child but that isnt anything to do with me. He also wants me there when they go out but they behave odd and it makes me feel uncomfortable.

At the end of the day, his DC has 2 parents and you are not one of them. It isn't your job to make his DC feel included, it is his. Be the mum you want to be because you are only responsible for your child's emotional wellbeing not you DB and his DC.

@Toooldforthis2021

I have a DSS and a DD. I havent set up a savings account for DSS, my DH has. I havent left him anything in my will, but my DH will do that. I stopped paying for Christmas and birthday presents as it was taken for granted I would. My parents have no involvement either.

But he is made to feel welcome and part of our family. Do I love him? No. Is that ok? Yes. He has a dad and a mum who are perfectly capable of providing for him.

I'm so sick of hearing that SMs should be forced to love someone else's child. It's odd.

This ^^

@AchyFlower
In what world is saying "think of the children" any form of emotional blackmail? In truth , no amount of saying that you must love anyone can actually force that emotion to exist. So,the concept that anyone can do more that suggest or think that you should love another person is absurd.

I think that you should be honest with your partner if the question of feelings about anyone comes in to play. What kind of relationship do you actually have if you have to lie and pretend about your feelings on any subject?

There are some people who would probably prefer not to be with a partner who disliked or hated their children. Those people are owed honesty. If the only way to keep a relationship is to base it upon a lie, you really only have a sham of a relationship.

@Flainling

That being said, i find it strange that as a couple you would start a savings account for one child

Nothing was done as a couple. I set it up out of my personal account and my family pay into it. I only even mentioned it to him in passing. The point of us having these personal accounts was to spend some of our money on things we want without having to explain anything. This is what I want to spend my money on.

Why is this odd? I have done the same for each of my children. DH and his ex set one up for their child when they were together so why should my kids not have one. And what is the whole thing about being married and having joint finances? I don't have a joint account with my DH as he had massive debts and I didn't want my credit score ruined. Being married does not mean everything must be done together.

@Tattler2
The default position if you don't love a child with a burning maternal passion that drives you to take on mothering tasks for them isn't that you dislike or even hate them. Why would you say that?
How very over dramatic.

@Youseethethingis
I was not suggesting that dislike or hate is the alternative position. I only used those words because they are so often used in these postings. Frankly, I think the extreme responses to children ,especially very young children, is disturbing.

[quote Tattler2]@Youseethethingis
I was not suggesting that dislike or hate is the alternative position. I only used those words because they are so often used in these postings. Frankly, I think the extreme responses to children ,especially very young children, is disturbing.[/quote]
@Tattler2 you can't seem to imagine any other situation but your own.

Another comment irrelevant to the OP and her situation then. Bravo.

@Getyourarseofffthequattro
I cannot imagine a good reason for a healthy adult to have some of the extremely negative responses to very young children that are written about in some of these postings. Most often these are people not being held captive in these relationships. Why should children be forced to live with adults who dislike them intensely? The adults have options and choices. The children on the other hand are held captive to the choices made by their parents.

Do you really think that a step parent or sadly even a biological parent can be forced to love a child under any set of circumstances or expectations? However, the child can be forced to experience the negative feelings with no ability to control his or her environment. In these circumstances, the only person with no control or options is the child.

[quote Tattler2]@Getyourarseofffthequattro
I cannot imagine a good reason for a healthy adult to have some of the extremely negative responses to very young children that are written about in some of these postings. Most often these are people not being held captive in these relationships. Why should children be forced to live with adults who dislike them intensely? The adults have options and choices. The children on the other hand are held captive to the choices made by their parents.

Do you really think that a step parent or sadly even a biological parent can be forced to love a child under any set of circumstances or expectations? However, the child can be forced to experience the negative feelings with no ability to control his or her environment. In these circumstances, the only person with no control or options is the child.[/quote]
Nobody has said anything about disliking anyone intensely!

No I don't think anyone should be forced to love anyone.

What makes you think any children are being forced to experience negative feelings? Have you just made that up?

It's irrelevant to the op.

And what is the whole thing about being married and having joint finances? I don't have a joint account with my DH as he had massive debts and I didn't want my credit score ruined. Being married does not mean everything must be done together.

Agree, and even more so in the case of blended families as you often don't get to jointly agree as much on what your joint money is being spent on. It is far easier and less likely to cause friction if you keep things separate aside from household bills etc.

@Youseethethingis
The OP could say to her husband the exact same words that she put in her original post. That is an honest representation of her thoughts and feelings. He then could have responded with his honest thoughts and feelings.

Too often , the situations are ones where I want to express my feelings but I do not want to be in a situation where my partner's different feelings have to be factored into a solution. I want validation of my feelings and a chorus of disdain for his or her feelings.

The OP's partner cannon stop her from having whatever positive feelings and experiences that come with being a new mom. He is not going to remove her child's picture from the picture frame; nor can he force her to take his children anywhere. He can express his opinion on the subject ,and she can express her disagreement with his opinion.

They can then be 2 adults with differing opinions but respectful of each other's rights to have those opinions or they can become 2 people who simply cannot accept each other's right to have different opinions and as such they should probably live apart.

@Tattler2

Not sure if your meant to tag me as my point was not that adults are free to leave if they don't like their relationship, it was that OP neither dislikes nor hates her DSC, she's just not operating under the delusion that she is their mother.

@Tattler2 You seem incapable of recognising anything less than literally forcing someone to do something as in any way unreasonable, so it's not surprising you don't understand why people would use a term like emotional blackmail to explain OPs DP. No, nobody is being forced to do anything, but that doesn't mean nobody can ever take an issue with thoughts and feelings being repeatedly expressed to them; there is such a thing as putting pressure on people, that is in itself a concept.

Similarly, people will often have issues with their partner's behaviour in certain areas without simply leaving, especially when they have young children with them, so "well you're free to leave, what's your problem?" doesn't really cut it in most scenarios.

The OP's partner cannon stop her from having whatever positive feelings and experiences that come with being a new mom @Tattler2

I don't mean to be blunt but a partners feelings can totally stop her from having positive feelings and experiences with being a new mum if he shamed and guilts her (for things that aren't her responsibility ) which is what's transpired.

Blended families or any families do operate in a vacuum. Not everyone can is resilient to say well you think that but I think this and not take a bashing on some level. If that bashing is on a consistent day to day bashing it's more damaging and I think it's dangerous to assume op is lacking for letting this get to her.

However i agree with the gist that if a partner does this one of the options is to leave.

Is it just me who never understands the relevance of Tattlers post on any thread? They never seem to be actually anything to do with the OP.

I can't see anyone saying they dislike their stepchildren?

Especially not OP

They can then be 2 adults with differing opinions but respectful of each other's rights to have those opinions or they can become 2 people who simply cannot accept each other's right to have different opinions and as such they should probably live apart. well yes that's the same with any relationship. Sorry if I'm missing the point but what has this to do with OP?

@Tattler2 are you aware that due to the OP having a child under 2 she is at risk of PND?

This means while us with children over 2 should have the mental resilience and strength to tell partners who expect us to parent their children on their behalf where to go, the OP isn't expected to.

In fact her partners behaviour - where he isn't supporting her but demanding she parents his children on his behalf - puts her at higher risk.

@AchyFlower

I can't see anyone saying they dislike their stepchildren?

You clearly aren't used to the fucked MNs consensus on how to treat step-children.

Unfortunately if you don't love your step-children like your own even when the step-children don't want you to and you otherwise go out of your way to help and look after them because their dad is unable to/shit/not around, like me and some of my siblings, then you dislike them. This means you are an evil step-mother.

Oh AchyFlower I forgot some of my friends' who get on well with their step-mothers and ex-step-mothers. Some get on with them better than their own fathers....

Presumable he pays maintenance for DSC and they spend time with their Mum. So they should get 2 places where they get treats and have fun. They have 2 separate parents.

Your DS only has a single parent as it doesn't sound like DH is all that interested in doing things himself, only in controlling what you do.