AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

[quote Tillsforthrills]@BadlyFormedQuestion

Anyone with any maturity wouldn’t find their DSS ‘even harder to love’ because of the other parent. This is awful.[/quote]
Have you tried to live with a child whose mother encourages them to be awful to you?

Have you tried to live with a child whose guilt ridden father allows and even encourages them to behave dreadfully in ways that upset you and your children?

Both those things will make any child much harder to love.

And it is well documented that many children really do not want a stepparent to act like their parent. And certainly not to love them like they are their own.

It might not fit your naive and overly romanticised notions of children. But let’s actually be realistic.

[quote Tillsforthrills]@BadlyFormedQuestion

Please don’t spout that children probably don’t want to be loved affectionately by step parents. They may or they may not, but it wouldn’t go amiss to show them love and affection seen as their parents aren’t together - which will have had a profound effect on them. They’ll need all the love they can get. Sometimes that love may mean just getting out of the way etc but don’t discourage affection from step parents.

As you can see from this thread, it may be rare but some children really appreciate it.[/quote]
I’m not discouraging anyone who actually and genuinely does love their SC like their own. They can knock themselves out. But let’s NOT pretend that anyone who doesn’t us somehow lesser.

I think you are just struggling with uncomfortable realities of stepfamilies. People aren’t immature or bad people for not loving other people’s children, or for recognizing that the actions of their parents have a big effect on how loveable a child is. Nor is it a negative thing to recognise that many children just do not want a stepmother to act in any way like they are their mother.

Mothers aren’t immature or petty for not wanting another woman to claim to love their child as they do either.

Children live their lives surrounded by people who don’t love them. So long as no one is treating them badly, it is not a problem. In fact it’s good that they feel that their relationship with their parents is extra special. It’s not going to harm them in the least to know that their stepmother loves her children more than anything else. They (should) know that their parents love them best of all.

Well said @BadlyFormedQuestion

The person at fault is the dad, and yet again, it’s the step-mother being blamed.

Being a "step child", I can say how utterly devastating this is to watch from the SC's perspective.

My brother and I had to watch as our stepmum focused entirely on her new child. There were no pictures of us up, our birthday cards were never put up.

Having to spend impromptu nights or days at our dad's was a result of trouble with our DM and we desperately needed to feel accepted and loved somewhere.

Twenty years on, my DB relationship is still very shaky with our SM and DD due to the feeling of being excluded.

Oh she was fine if she was expecting us. But we have always felt like it was better we were erased.

My DB was 10 and I was 15. The age doesn't matter. Kids from broken homes need to feel included and loved so much.

YABVU

@Squeezita

Well said *@BadlyFormedQuestion*

The person at fault is the dad, and yet again, it’s the step-mother being blamed.

Yes completely agree with @BadlyFormedQuestion !!

@GingerLiberalFeminist I’m really sorry that happened to you, that is not right at all, but I think you’re projecting a bit as none of that is happening here.

• there are just as many pics of DSC in OP’s house as her DS
• OP gets on really well with DSC
• the days out with her baby and family are arranged on days when DSC are supposed to be with their mum, but those days get changed by their parents, not OP, and she can’t be expected to cancel the, as it would impact her parents/family
• OP is happy for DSC and DS to be close and loves that DSC love their baby brother

@GingerLiberalFeminist and where was your father when all of this was happening? Why wasn’t he putting your cards up? Photos up?

I’m sorry to hear about your experience, but time and again why is the onus put on women to step up and do the jobs their fathers should be doing?

She wasn’t your parent, your dad was. Why don’t you blame him for the above?

@GingerLiberalFeminist

Being a "step child", I can say how utterly devastating this is to watch from the SC's perspective.

My brother and I had to watch as our stepmum focused entirely on her new child. There were no pictures of us up, our birthday cards were never put up.

Having to spend impromptu nights or days at our dad's was a result of trouble with our DM and we desperately needed to feel accepted and loved somewhere.

Twenty years on, my DB relationship is still very shaky with our SM and DD due to the feeling of being excluded.

Oh she was fine if she was expecting us. But we have always felt like it was better we were erased.

My DB was 10 and I was 15. The age doesn't matter. Kids from broken homes need to feel included and loved so much.

YABVU

My question here would be: why do you blame your stepmother here? Why not blame your father?

After all, your SM was doing her best fit her children. Why didn’t your father make you feel welcome? Or out photos of you up? Or any of the other things that were his job as your parent.

I’m sorry you found it hard. But it’s amazing how often SMs get the blame instead of shit fathers.

There were no pictures of us up, our birthday cards were never put up

Did your father not possess arms?

And whilst it's sad that you felt that way PP, there is nothing to suggest here that OPs DSC do.

@GingerLiberalFeminist where was your Dad while you were experiencing this? Why aren't you blaming him for not doing those things? He was your actual parent, not your stepmum, so he should have made sure these things were done for you.

And to all the judgemental posters missing (once again) the nuances of step parenting. A hostile parent being in the picture makes a world of difference. To both how the SC show up and how involved the step parent can be.

In the event that a parent is hostile to anyone else ‘parenting/ being involved’ with their children and this then results in children displaying rejecting/ unusual/ unsettled behaviours. Professionals will actually advise that the step parent steps back, as the children are most likely experiencing a loyalty bind.

If you haven’t witnessed this first hand it’s distressing to witness (my heart goes out to the children) and it also massively interferes with bonding. The child is inately rejecting of the adult their RP is unaccepting of. Irrespective of how nice / warm the SP parent is. In actual fact if this is happening, the nicer the SP tries to be, the loyalty binds/ conflict the child is under worsens.

When this was happening to my exp’s children, my stepping away completely was actually the best thing for the DC. As it allowed their contact time to progress with the father without these feelings against me.

So much ignorance and judgement in some of these Comments. And I would hazard a guess they’re coming from people who have never been in situations.

Thanks for comments and I totally admit my dad is completely as much to blame. It is easy as a step child to blame the "new" parent

@GingerLiberalFeminist a lot of step parents were also sdc. A lot of us went in to step parenting believing we could be warm, welcoming and open.

It only works like that when you haven't got a sdc with loyalty binds. My dss goes back to his mums and tells her lies about my dc hurting him, or me putting him in unsafe situations, or says dh screamed and shouted at him - when none of that happened and actually we done loads of fun things. I can and do feel very sorry for him. His behaviour is learnt from his dm and he is very caught up in trying to please both his parents. He also tells us lies about his dm. Children who are taught that their other parent is bad grow up feeling bad about themselves and that behaviour comes out in different ways. It's very hard to see how emotionally troubled dss is and then see dhs dad guilt about it. It's also very hard to not go tiger mum when it's your own dc being impacted by it.

Like I said before, I've been a step parent where it worked and I do love my previous sdc. All of the adults were on board to ensure dcs needs were met and none of us had insecurities around who was loved more. Their dm didn't want or expect them to be treated any differently to mine, they came over and it was just normal. They weren't made to feel insecure by their dms insistence that they were the first and most important family. This time around it's completely different. Dss dm tells dss that his dad doesn't love him, that his dad cares more if I die then if he dies. It's also not helped that dh was on his own with dss for his early years and consequently got his adult emotional needs met by dss. This didn't show up until we were living together and married. Dss feels absolutely betrayed by his dad for marrying me. He still says now that his dad betrayed him. That's because his dm felt betrayed (dh was never with her, they had casual sex for a couple of weeks) and wanted dh to remain single. All of dss issues stem from how his dm reacted when me and dh got married. Dss was a delight before then, he loved coming over and was happy, marriage happened, his dm went nuclear and now we have a very sad and confused little boy. It's hard work. I wish I could be more maternal with him but that wouldn't help him, it's not what he wants and would cause him to feel like he was betraying his dm even more.

YANBU enjoy your son hopefully DH calms down and realises you have 1 child he has 3.
I have been there and done it the beginning was very hard. I would recommend keeping the money the way it is you sound like a lovely Mum and step Mum that loves all the kids. It’s your DH that has a guilt problem.

I wish I could be more maternal with him but that wouldn't help him, it's not what he wants and would cause him to feel like he was betraying his dm even more.

👆🏽 x 100.

And in infuriates me when time and again, posters with no first hand experience of this wade in on these threads time and again banging the same (ignorant) drum.
There are, day in day out, situations like this that SP’s are facing. And where being event warm and welcoming (forget maternal) is the last thing these children need.

But doesn’t matter right? The fault (once again) lies at the feet of the SP. Not the parent who is manipulating / damaging their child.

PS - I didn't have any photos of my previous sdc up in my house. I had loads of my dc. They weren't affected by the lack of photos. They didn't notice, why would they? Their photos were up in their dms house. They felt wanted at mine without photos. It's got fuck all to do with photos whether someone feels welcomed and at home.

@sassbott of course it's the wicked step mum fault, it's always the step mums fault

Honestly, as soon as I heard some bloke (especially one who HAD kids already) say that he was a “Hands Off” parent, my legs and bits would slam shut and my ovaries would shrivel. I would change my number, block him on everything and consider that a lucky save. That would have been one of the fastest ways for him to make himself the last attractive man alive.

@Flainling

Funny people should make the comments actually about it actually being DH who's bothered by me loving DS more than him. He's actually made comments like that in the past. Always in a jokey way. Sort of "it's weird I'm not the most important thing to you anymore" kind of things. I've always pointed out it's the way it's always been for me as he had kids when we met!

What does he say when you tell him it's the same for you as he had children when you met?

My brother and I had to watch as our stepmum focused entirely on her new child. There were no pictures of us up, our birthday cards were never put up.

See I just cannot get my head around why you would not blame your dad for lack of pictures of you or your birthday cards not being put up.

My guess is that she probably had enough on her plate to deal with herself with your father in her life if he wasn’t capable of putting your birthday cards on the windowsill.

@GingerLiberalFeminist

Thanks for comments and I totally admit my dad is completely as much to blame. It is easy as a step child to blame the "new" parent

If anything he is more to blame for your cards not being put up. He should be celebrating your birthday regardless if SM was there or not.

@funinthesun19

My brother and I had to watch as our stepmum focused entirely on her new child. There were no pictures of us up, our birthday cards were never put up.

See I just cannot get my head around why you would not blame your dad for lack of pictures of you or your birthday cards not being put up.

My guess is that she probably had enough on her plate to deal with herself with your father in her life if he wasn’t capable of putting your birthday cards on the windowsill.

Yes I agree, this is all dad's fault here. Just because she's female doesn't make her in charge of everyone's photos and birthday decorations.

Yes I agree, this is all dad's fault here. Just because she's female doesn't make her in charge of everyone's photos and birthday decorations.

Yup.
People go on saying “you’re a partnership. You’re a family. It’s just as much your responsibility.”

Knowing full well if the man is lazy and slacking then he ain’t gonna do it. So the partnership thing because a moot point.

In actual actual fact people are saying. “If the man won’t do it then you better bloody well make sure you do it”.

And then if the woman doesn’t do it, the man gets let off the hook and it’s all about the woman being the bad guy because she did XYZ for her own children and not the stepchildren. Meanwhile the man did naff all for any of his children. It’s a joke.

*partnership thing BECOMES a moot point

I have a DSS and a DD.
I havent set up a savings account for DSS, my DH has.
I havent left him anything in my will, but my DH will do that.
I stopped paying for Christmas and birthday presents as it was taken for granted I would.
My parents have no involvement either.

But he is made to feel welcome and part of our family. Do I love him? No. Is that ok? Yes. He has a dad and a mum who are perfectly capable of providing for him.

I'm so sick of hearing that SMs should be forced to love someone else's child. It's odd.