AIBU to just think FUCK OFF and let me enjoy my child?!

[Flainling]

My husband is always making me (or trying at least) feel guilty for just doing basic things with my child. Even accusing me of "pushing SC out" when I've done nothing of the sort.

He is only 10 months old. He's my first and my last.

Things have included:

• Making a photo album of DS. Not some big extravagant family craft activity where DSC are forced to glue pictures of their younger sibling into an album on a Saturday. Just me, doing it myself in the evening.

• taking my son out to little places with my family / to visit family and not taking everyone with me all the time. There have been a few unexpected days recently where DSC stayed with us when they wouldn't normally and I had plans with family. I didn't immediately change these to also take along DSC so I'm awful and "making it obvious I only want to spend time with my son".

• ordering a few pictures for our bedroom of DS for a photo frame my Mum got me for my birthday and putting it up on my dressing table. There are pictures of DSC up in the house as well but apparently there are more of DS and this is terrible (it's in our bedroom which none of the kids come in ).

• apparently just generally a bit obsessive with DS and I make it "obvious" I care more about him. Fucking yes I'm a bit obsessive. He's my first baby. Am I not allowed?!

• setting up a savings account (from my own personal money) which me and my family pay into for DS when DSC don't have one, as if that's up to me?!

There are more but I can't think right now.

AIBU to just think or even say FUCK OFF now and just let me enjoy my baby in peace ffs. It's like I'm not allowed to consider this my first child at all without "pushing DSC out". I don't even know what be means by that. I'm as kind as I always have been to DSC, who absolutely adore their brother too. But I'm not their mum and don't act like it nor do I wish to (or ever have?!).

It's really starting to piss me off. It's like I can't just do anything for my son without always thinking like this.

I used to snuggle with DSD when she was younger, it was nice. I'd still not insult her relationship with her mother by pretending ours is anywhere near on the same level.

Sounds like maybe he’s feeling pushed out himself.

You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children.

maybe but it shouldn't be an imperative. And you might want to be prepared that if your relationship breaks down, you may not see them again and can do fuck all about it because they are not your children.

Some of the posts here are ridiculous.

OP, I suspect a pp got it right when she said your dh is feeling he isn't the most important person in your life anymore and is deflecting it onto his children. That and he expects you to do lots of stuff with his children/create their childhood atmosphere in your home because you are a woman and that's what women do in his mind.

you are doing fine, OP.

[quote SnowWhitesSM]@conjourbonjour I've been an unmarried step parent before and I loved my sdc in a maternal way. Not as much as my own dc but yes they were cuddly dc, we snuggled and watched films, they even got in bed with us. I also got on very well with their dm and it was like one big happy family. Sounds similar to your set up. I still see them as I'm still friends with their dm. Our dc still go over each others houses, they still hug me even though they are late teens. I love them like I imagine I would love my nieces and nephews if I had any.

I don't have this now. I have a dh with dad guilt and a very high conflict ex and a step son with emotional problems. These problems impact on my dc. It's a very different situation when dad guilt and awful exes comes into play.[/quote]
Oh this is so terribly sad for you, thankfully you still have that relationship. I still have a niece to stay that isn’t biological, she was a “step niece” but part of the family and is still (in my opinion) my children’s cousin. Family and love are not always according to blood!

Not totally rtft but there seems to be something about the fact your child is still a baby that makes your reaction entirely normal, in addition to step parenting issues. Baby’s do get attention in a way 7 and 10 year olds don’t because they’re babies. I also think it’s normal for you to have a different kind of bond if your baby is 10 months old the hormones and instincts will be affecting you a bit weird if they weren’t (Mumsnet always bangs on about PFB…) I was going to say on things like photo albums as he gets older it’ll be lovely to show how he’s been loved by all the family right from the start. But that’s exactly what you’re doing so nothing to see here!

I’d watch out for any tensions or discrepancies in the children’s relationships over time, but I don’t think you should over engineer this. Apart from issues with DH which you need to chat through I don’t think there’s a huge issue here.

No it's not @conjourbonjour but there's reasons why I'm not a step mum to dss like I was to my previous step dc, and I'm not the reason. I'd love to have that type of relationship with dss but it's not something that would work. It's horrible tbh and has really affected my MH.

Yanbu. You’re in love with your baby. That is lovely and natural and it’s such a shame he’s spoiling it for you. Those early years are so much fun!

Tell him to fuck off.

I'd tell him a lot more than that. Nowt wrong with a mum loving her baby. In fact it's a massive benefit to both people and quite biological. Ask him what the actual problem is because it's definitely not you living your own child. There's something else bothering him. Is your DSC's mum not giving him enough love/attention maybe and he's wanting you to fill the gap?

You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children

You can. You don't have to though to have a successful blended family with happy children.

My DSC has a mother who is involved and does everything he needs from a Mum. He doesn't need or want me snuggling him on the sofa. We have a lovely relationship but it's just not that kind of relationship and that's fine.

It's absolutely NOTHING like adoption, unless we're talking about a scenario when the child's other parent isn't involved and you have essentially taken on the role. I find this comparison so tedious. No one is suggesting you can only love biological children. Of course you can love children who aren't yours. But a step child who lives in your home part of the time and has a mother already, who you have no parental rights to ever see again if your husband left tomorrow, is absolutely nothing like having an adopted child. Absolutely ridiculous and just plain stupid to suggest it is.

Having a lovey dovey "snuggly" kind of bond with your step children is fine if that's what they want. Not all will. Not all situations are the same as your own.

And as for the whole "fuck it if their Mum doesn't like it" argument, do you really think that makes things better for the child? To continue doing something you know causes tension and possibly even hostility between the adults? Yeah sounds great for the kids.

Quite honestly I think some people have extremely narrow minds if they can't envision any scenario where a "love like my own child" ideal hasn't happened and why that might be.

Do you honestly believe every step child out there wants to be loved like a mother by their step mum? All of them? You can't picture any scenario where this may not have happened and for good reason?

@LoveyH

You can absolutely love your partners children as much as your own biological children

You can. You don't have to though to have a successful blended family with happy children.

My DSC has a mother who is involved and does everything he needs from a Mum. He doesn't need or want me snuggling him on the sofa. We have a lovely relationship but it's just not that kind of relationship and that's fine.

It's absolutely NOTHING like adoption, unless we're talking about a scenario when the child's other parent isn't involved and you have essentially taken on the role. I find this comparison so tedious. No one is suggesting you can only love biological children. Of course you can love children who aren't yours. But a step child who lives in your home part of the time and has a mother already, who you have no parental rights to ever see again if your husband left tomorrow, is absolutely nothing like having an adopted child. Absolutely ridiculous and just plain stupid to suggest it is.

Having a lovey dovey "snuggly" kind of bond with your step children is fine if that's what they want. Not all will. Not all situations are the same as your own.

And as for the whole "fuck it if their Mum doesn't like it" argument, do you really think that makes things better for the child? To continue doing something you know causes tension and possibly even hostility between the adults? Yeah sounds great for the kids.

When did I say “fuck it if the mother doesn’t like it”?

No one is saying anyone HAS to do anything my argument is that the OP began a relationship with a man who had children who is clearly feeling that she isn’t being mindful of her actions regarding making her step children feel a part of the “new” unit. Clearly my approach and opinion doesn’t resonate with Mumsnetters and that’s cool, the OP asked for opinions, I gave mine. End of.

In fact I love my step dad, he's fantastic, kind, generous, has helped me out with loads of stuff, we get on really well. He's not my Dad though and I'm not his daughter. I honestly can't imagine ever snuggling him or going to him when I need a shoulder to cry on when something devastating happens for example. I want my Mum or Dad for that kind of thing because it's a different relationship. Doesn't mean it's shit. Just different.

I wasn't specifically replying to you @conjourbonjour

Another PP wrote

Also don't think the mum's feelings should detriment the sm from loving their dsc, if the intention was there. It's their own seperate relationship with them

It's not always possible to just be like "well I don't care if Mum doesn't like it, I'm going to do it anyway". In a LOT of step families, mum's feelings on things can have a huge impact on things, including the children.

@conjourbonjour but why isn't he taking action if he feels so strongly about them being a "unit"? He's expecting OP to either do it for him, or not do it with her child either. None of that is reasonable, loving or in the interest of any of the children.

Clearly my approach and opinion doesn’t resonate with Mumsnetters and that’s cool, the OP asked for opinions, I gave mine. End of.

You didn't give an opinion though. You just said you can love a step child the same as your biological child and talked about snuggling your step children.

No one has said that you can't possibly ever love a child that's not biologically yours. Of course you can. But that's quite clearly never been the relationship OP has had with her SC. Her set up isn't like yours so your approach isn't going to work in her family is it?

Are you suggesting there is no other way to be in a successful blended family than loving and treating your SC exactly like your biological children?

It would be different if your sc lived with you but also you could put it to him that they have a mum who dose things with them and for example the savings account what if she already had one and you set up one the sc would be getting more than your dc. You do things with your dc like there mum dose with them.

I completely agree with you OP and everything you've said. I'm actually gobsmacked at some of the responses youve had.

Taking the savings account as an example - if you & DH pay the same amount into accounts for your DSC as you do for DS, but them equal amount of treats, take them on equal amounts of days out etc. Then in reality the DSC will always get more than your DS would get.

They'd have everything from you two, plus whatever they get from their mum. Yet your son doesn't get anything additional?

Also, if your DP feels so strongly about photo albums, days out, bank accounts etc he should be making more effort himself. It's actually unbelievable he expects you to do this on his behalf like you're some kind of slave he has

@LuckyHindleyBells

Thank you for that conjourbonjour! I have an SM whom I snuggled to, and feelings are and were very much reciprocal. Very rarely I see examples like this on these boards. Maybe because mostly people who have issues are posting, rather than those who are happy and bonded. Let's hope it isn't representative.

If you look at the research… it’s more than representative. Other people’s children are hard to love. And they may not even want you to love them or ‘snuggle’ them ir whatever.

If we are apparently all about those poor children, maybe we could consider that many children (the vast majority is likely) want to be particularly special to their parents. They don’t want a stepmother coming in and ‘loving them like they’re their own’. Often vehemently. They might feel very close to their stepmother (or not) but they do not want to conflate her with their mother!

Tbh, the research is quite clear that other parents make their children even harder to love. Nonresident fathers very often act in ways that ensure their children are not loveable in the least.

@funinthesun19

Unfortunately, when men are slacking, conversations usually fall on deaf ears or promises are made and then are broken. Been there done that, ended the relationship.

Same here.

My EXDP got annoyed when I did things with my DC that he couldn't be bothered doing himself. We never once went on a day out when DSS wasn't staying (EOW), as EXDP was terrified he would be missing out, and he had taught his DS to think like that too.

My DC started thinking this as well; I remember my DS saying we couldn't go to the park one weekend as we had to wait until DSS was there I really didn't want my DC growing up to believe that the world turned around a DSS axis, and EXDP couldn't see the situation he was creating. Any time I'd mention anything about it, he'd claim I hated his DS!

Coming from a blended family myself, my step mum did exactly this for us. It made us feel very loved and included. She also had her one and only child with my dad.

@user1476277375

It’s good to see that some step parents go above and beyond their rights, for the sake of DSC.

Too many step parents enter into this role without the empathy needed which becomes apparent when their own children appear. The lack of natural affection and love is sad to see on this thread.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

Anyone with any maturity wouldn’t find their DSS ‘even harder to love’ because of the other parent. This is awful.

@BadlyFormedQuestion

Please don’t spout that children probably don’t want to be loved affectionately by step parents. They may or they may not, but it wouldn’t go amiss to show them love and affection seen as their parents aren’t together - which will have had a profound effect on them. They’ll need all the love they can get. Sometimes that love may mean just getting out of the way etc but don’t discourage affection from step parents.

As you can see from this thread, it may be rare but some children really appreciate it.

I would compare my relationship with my SC to an auntie relationship.
I enjoy seeing SC and will ask to do things round the house or to stop doing things. I love SC and feel proud of achievements but it is just slightly more distant than my own. We play together lots so I am the "fun step-mum" and SC enjoys to visit.
DH will always put to bed and do any discipline etc. I do not get involved in parenting or give opinions as it is not my place.

SC has great relationship with half brother & sister.
We do fun things with our DC and also fun things on the weekends we also have SC. SC will also do fun things with his mum and half brother so isn't sad or missing out.

We just don't over do it. DH doesn't over compensate for the situation and SC is a loving part of the family. He also has another loving family with his BM. I think our situation working so well is completely down to DH and how he handles it and treats all children involved.