Christmas (already)

[AutumnLeafy]

DH has already had the start of the annual festive drama. This year is mum's year to have the DSC for Christmas but she doesn't want them this year as her boyfriend's child is coming on boxing day so they want to do a family thing then.

All fine but due to the every other year system we are going to see my family this year with LO. So I've said if she really insists then the DSC will just have to come with us to my parents and I'm not asking them to tone down if they want to spoil LO. It's not LO's fault.

Anyway now DH isn't happy because he doesn't want to be the one to say DSC aren't welcome at his either. I've said they are welcome but it's not going to be a great Christmas day spending it with my family knowing their own mum doesn't want them. Just ranting really. There's an agreement for a reason but she likes to try and break it then make DH look bad.

DH sent an email declining the offer to swap etc and offering to have them xmas say but it would be at my family's gathering. So now mum has decided to have them Xmas day after all "seeing as you don't really want them there and won't put them first".....

I think that the kids of all people should have at least been made aware that their mother doesn;t want them on Christmas Day. What ages are they?

What a charmer the mother sounds. She's probably mostly pissed because she realised how bad she looked though

@AutumnLeafy

DH sent an email declining the offer to swap etc and offering to have them xmas say but it would be at my family's gathering. So now mum has decided to have them Xmas day after all "seeing as you don't really want them there and won't put them first".....

Ask her how she was putting them first by asking to not have them on Christmas Day .

teen and a nearly teen, DH was reluctant to bad mouth mum. I'm sure they'll work it out. He's going to let them know she asked and they are more than welcome to join us.

The mother is gaslighting your DH.... I hope he reminded her that it was her who reneged and he accomodated the children on the actual Christmas Day which is more than she did....

she's projecting

@aSofaNearYou well yeah exactly! DH prefers to just send civil but to the point emails, like a work email. I would have been very angry at the point so it's a good job he is more measured in his responses than I would be!

The mother is gaslighting your DH she has form..

@AutumnLeafy

teen and a nearly teen, DH was reluctant to bad mouth mum. I'm sure they'll work it out. He's going to let them know she asked and they are more than welcome to join us.

Sorry I cross posted you and pp.

DH doesn;t need to bad mouth their mum but he needs to say 'Your mum has suggested that this year you dont spend 25th with her....

before she does the 'your dad doesn't really want you for christmas...'

Glad he declined it. I’m all for being flexible and helping eachother out but it has to suit eveyrone. By all means ask, but don’t tell or demand if the arrangements are made and you are asking changes.

If it can’t be done it can’t be done. These things are in place for a reason. If it’s that much of an issue they can change stuff with her new partners other parent and have his kid/kids on Xmas day instead. If they can’t do they’ll have to wait until next year to do it together.

I get the wanting all the kids together, as we have it arranged so my DC and DSC are with us at Xmas at the same times. However if it didn’t suit their other parent or they had plans then we would have to shift stuff around too.

The mum sounds like a twat.

This is all on their Mother.. DH is wise to keep the emails business like. I hope their children hear it from him though as mum as their mother if she has form for gaslighting.

Yes i didn't mean it all had to revolve around the children and yes OP and her mum sound lovely and welcoming but the kids need to be consulted too other wise I can see how they would feel on the receiving end of it.

@jennythesquirrel I get what you're saying yes, he's going to say something to them and save the emails (with the others he has accumulated over the years).

@Goldbar

Why don't you take your DC over for the whole day and (if you're sure your family can be trusted not to ruin it for them) your DH can bring your DSC over for Christmas dinner? Then he and they can do big kid stuff for the rest of the day. Your DH will probably prefer that arrangement as it means he doesn't have to put up with your family for the whole day either.

I think this is a great idea. As an early teen I would have felt really uncomfortable going to a house with people I barely knew for Christmas. Extra time with Dad then just a meal to get through would have been so much better.

We're SDC supposed to see DH parents on boxing day? If they were and it works for their grandparents could they see DH parents in the morning then come to your parents house for Christmas dinner?

@AutumnLeafy very wise

*Goldbar
Why don't you take your DC over for the whole day and (if you're sure your family can be trusted not to ruin it for them) your DH can bring your DSC over for Christmas dinner? Then he and they can do big kid stuff for the rest of the day. Your DH will probably prefer that arrangement as it means he doesn't have to put up with your family for the whole day either.
I think this is a great idea. As an early teen I would have felt really uncomfortable going to a house with people I barely knew for Christmas. Extra time with Dad then just a meal to get through would have been so much better. *
It's actually a dreadful idea & highly assumptive that the dh merely tolerates op's family!
It's a dreadful idea as it still leaves the dh having to cater to the sdc & leave op to 'mind' their child!
I feel sorry for the sdc because their dm is being awful - but that shouldn't mean that everyone else's Christmas has to be divided & upended!
And I say that as a dm! I would never expect my exh & his dw to alter pre arranged extended family plans just to accommodate my new bf's access arrangements!

Well, someone has to 'mind' the SDC if they end up coming. And it might be less disruptive for everyone (the OP included) for them to spend some time separately with their dad rather than sit like lemons in a house where their presence makes everyone else awkward.

No parent has a child and thinks that I am only going to have this child around when it is convenient for me or at times specifically set in a court visitation order.

When a child is born , parents expect to be 24/7 parents and there is no thought of court visitation orders on the horizon for most.

Children have an absolute right to expect both of their parents to be available to and for them on a 24/7 basis. A child has every right to expect both mom and dad to be happily willing to spend every holiday with them when they are minor children.

You do not get an applaud because you are "willing" to grudgingly accept responsibility for your children when the other parent fails to be a 24/7 parent. You are simply doing what any good parent would and should do.

In this situation the OP's husband can be in his home to experience the opening of parents with his entire family, and then the OP can take the LO ( who will have absolutely no awareness of Xmas at all) to have holiday time with his grandparents.

This will allow dad to be a good dad to all of his children ,and at the same time allow the grandparents to dote on their new grand baby.

That there was a need for much discussion just emphasizes the fact that some people think that parenting is tied to Court Orders and convenience rather than moral obligations. People whose lives need to be prescribed by convenience probably should think long and hard before having children- both men and women.

You do not get an applaud because you are "willing" to grudgingly accept responsibility for your children when the other parent fails to be a 24/7 parent. You are simply doing what any good parent would and should do. DH has not grudgingly accepted responsibility. The concern for him has always been his children having a nice Christmas. He has never once not wanted them with us, the concern for him was them not having the pattern they expected and being with their mum and annoyance that she expected them then to miss out on seeing his family on boxing day.

And in this situation mum will hopefully see she can have christmas with her own children without needing boyfriend's kid there and that is the joys of a blended family.

LO ( who will have absolutely no awareness of Xmas at all) to have holiday time with his grandparents. I'm pretty sure they will notice the tree and decorations. Awareness of Christmas only happens through exposure to Christmas.

@Tattler2

No parent has a child and thinks that I am only going to have this child around when it is convenient for me or at times specifically set in a court visitation order.

When a child is born , parents expect to be 24/7 parents and there is no thought of court visitation orders on the horizon for most.

Children have an absolute right to expect both of their parents to be available to and for them on a 24/7 basis. A child has every right to expect both mom and dad to be happily willing to spend every holiday with them when they are minor children.

You do not get an applaud because you are "willing" to grudgingly accept responsibility for your children when the other parent fails to be a 24/7 parent. You are simply doing what any good parent would and should do.

In this situation the OP's husband can be in his home to experience the opening of parents with his entire family, and then the OP can take the LO ( who will have absolutely no awareness of Xmas at all) to have holiday time with his grandparents.

This will allow dad to be a good dad to all of his children ,and at the same time allow the grandparents to dote on their new grand baby.

That there was a need for much discussion just emphasizes the fact that some people think that parenting is tied to Court Orders and convenience rather than moral obligations. People whose lives need to be prescribed by convenience probably should think long and hard before having children- both men and women.

Wow, this is all very nasty and unnecessary.

@AutumnLeafy please ignore the nasty & negative comments. The majority of people posting 'get' exactly where you & dh are coming from & can tell the dcs are very much loved & cared for & wanted. .

Children have an absolute right to expect both of their parents to be available to and for them on a 24/7 basis

What you really mean is children have a right to expect their mothers to be available 24/7. Because what happens - very clearly demonstrated in this thread - is that men can move on with a new partner without any judgement whatsoever. The fact that the new relationship is generally facilitated by an EOW contact arrangement largely ignored. Once said man has new partner and a level of respectability in society as a family, it becomes acceptable to question the mother when she too attempts to move on. ‘Bad mother’ is bandied around if it takes more than on relationship to get it right, or if mum likes to go out on a regular basis and have fun and maybe meet someone new along the way. She’s supposed to be a mother ffs, not out having fun. It’s clear here in this thread that from behind the rather dubious respectability of blended family, we can judge another woman’s attempt at moving on without actually knowing what her reasoning for handing over Xmas day might be. We just assume and label and name call from our position of blended family respectability rather than single mum with partner probably just trying to please everyone. How dare mothers move on, eh

DH has swapped weekends previously to allow mum and new partner to go away together or for weddings etc of new partner's family so he is doing his bit to help the kids with mums new set up. It is literally just Christmas he feels is important stays alternate as they agreed when they split up.