SD not wanting to stay - co-sleeping arrangements

[farme]

Just looking for some advice.....

My SD (8) is refusing to stay over at ours and my DH is heartbroken. She had phases of this off & on as she says she misses her mom and likes to be with her.

I think one of the factors is that her BM lets her co-sleep with her if she wants. It isn't necessarily every night but she seems quite flexible about it to the point I think it's making SD view us as being too strict in comparison.

SD has her own room at her BMs but from what I gather she sleeps in it some nights for the full night, sometimes she falls asleep in her own bed but wanders through to her mums bed, and other nights she just decides she wants to sleep in her mums bed!!

Surely this isn't healthy for a just turned 8 year old? I think it's really affecting her development and impacting her bond with DH & I as she seems overly close with her BM. Would it be wrong of DH to bring this up with her as she is effectively babying an 8 yr old child and stopping her from becoming independent

DHs exW has never moved on and met someone new so that's why she's happy to co-sleep.

No of course he doesn't speak to her in that way, i was meaning that's the impression she would get.

I didn’t say he spoke to her that way. I asked if that’s what he thought is the only alternative to forcing her into the car.

asks he for suggestions about what would make her happy to come

What does she say?

OK, so she spends a fair amount of her time with her dad, not EOW.

Tbh, from the way you describe it in your latest post, it sounds fine. She's briefly upset to leave her mum and briefly upset at bedtime, so there are these "pressure points". But the rest of the time is positive. What exactly is the problem? All kids have their moments and kids who are having to move between two homes are probably going to have more moments than your average kid because they're under additional stress. It's just something you're going to have to suck up and be sympathetic to, no need for either your DH or his ex to change their parenting approach.

SHE MISSES HER MUM!!!! Oh my God, why is that so fucking hard to understand? HER MUM, who she's been living with since a tiny baby. You said yourself that they separated when DD was only a baby. So she never actually grew living together with her Dad?

As a child who grew up being very attached to her mum (and didn't even cosleep!!) it breaks my heart to think how she must be feeling when she doesn't want to go to Dad's.

Why is it so bloody crucial for your DH to have her overnight? Why can't they just spend the day together, the whole weekend even until she is more comfortable with the idea of staying over? When she is a little older and more independent and better at expressing her feelings and emotions?

@Goldbar

OK, so she spends a fair amount of her time with her dad, not EOW.

Tbh, from the way you describe it in your latest post, it sounds fine. She's briefly upset to leave her mum and briefly upset at bedtime, so there are these "pressure points". But the rest of the time is positive. What exactly is the problem? All kids have their moments and kids who are having to move between two homes are probably going to have more moments than your average kid because they're under additional stress. It's just something you're going to have to suck up and be sympathetic to, no need for either your DH or his ex to change their parenting approach.

Because on the occasions refuses to come what are we supposed to do? Say it's okay to stay with her mum so she sees that as an option and wants to do that more & more often?

What we were trying to do was get to the bottom of the issue. SDD says it's because she misses sleeping in her mums bed and sharing a bed with her. The most obvious solution to me was that she should sleep in her own bed at both houses so it was less of an issue. I naively thought all 8 ye olds would sleep in their own beds

The most obvious solution to me was that she should sleep in her own bed at both houses so it was less of an issue.

Not that she could sleep with her dad at his house? Why isn’t that an option. Several people have suggested it and you’ve ignored them. Why?

As we have found out through DH trying to get his ex on board for some consistency between the houses to help his DD, unless and until it's a problem for mum, it's not going to change. You can only adapt what goes on in your house.

You realise if she’s miserable as soon as she’s old enough she will stop visiting her dad.

Why is the ‘obvious’ solution one which dictates what her mother does? Why isn’t the obvious solution for her dad to offer her comfort?

It’s not about consistency between the houses though. What works with mum doesn’t always work with dad. If she wants to sleep next to her mum then that’s up to her if mums fine with it, you can’t say well it can’t happen at her dads so it can’t happen there, that’s not the solution. Most 8 year olds do sleep in there own bed but some don’t, so what? It’s nice and it’s lovely to sleep next to your kids/mum. It doesn’t mean it will last forever. You need to take a step back and realise that for some things you need to be on the same page but not this. It’s a total non issue. This really isn’t about co sleeping and to say it’s the daughter saying it is bull.

Why is the ‘obvious’ solution one which dictates what her mother does?

Yes exactly. Child is happy with her mother, but not with her father. Yet the "obvious" solution is that her mother should do something differently.

You sound way too invested in all of this. I would just take a big step back and let your husband sort it out.

SDD says it's because she misses sleeping in her mums bed and sharing a bed with her.

You are taking this WAY too literal OP. Her mum is her safety net, her smell, her warmth, her whole being. She may associate it with sharing a bed but it makes her feel safe and that is what she is missing. She is missing her mum as a PP said earlier. Maybe if you could provide the same level of comfort, rather than trying to take it away from her???

[quote Goldbar]@SpeedRunParent. Couldn't agree more. Why would a child want to leave the comfortable and familiarity of their own home if it's just going to be boring and strange in their other parent's house? Yes, children shouldn't expect to be entertained the whole time at home, but if a child is only staying EOW, it's not really their "home" that they are comfortable pottering around in. Different if it's 50/50 parenting and both parents are doing the boring routine stuff.[/quote]
I would be absolutely slaughtered on here if I said my house was not DSSs home because he is only there EOW.

I really think it is about consistency when it comes to something like this. Don't kids thrive on routine? So if DH is doing the whole countdown to the lavender bath then stories, then "I'll come back to check on you in 10 minutes" routine and mum's not got a particular bedtime for her because they bedshare and that's what suits them, what was the point of DH persevering? He doesn't have her long enough to bed in a routine then it was back to the starting block every single time she came.
It wasn't fair on her so he parked it and we changed the bed situation to accommodate. She's been much happier since she's known he's not going to be trying to get her to fall asleep on her own.

I would be absolutely slaughtered on here if I said my house was not DSSs home because he is only there EOW.

Agreed.

Because on the occasions refuses to come what are we supposed to do? Say it's okay to stay with her mum so she sees that as an option and wants to do that more & more often?

Bedtime and separation issues aren't confined to kids with separated parents (did your DH ever do nursery drop-offs, by any chance, and have to have a hysterical toddler prised off his leg?). But kids with separated parents deserve extra love and consideration because they're having to switch between two different homes and parenting styles.

If your DH is clear that he wants overnight contact with his DD, then he has to deal with any issues using the usual parenting techniques. Acknowledge her feelings but make it clear that the issue is non-negotiable and then deal with the fallout as best you can - wear her out during the day so she's exhausted by bedtime, cuddle her, warm bath, stories, stories, stay with her if she's scared etc.

What this is beginning to read like is that your DH wants your DD to come but only on condition that she's happy and easy to deal with and that he doesn't have to do any of the shit parts of parenting like deal with a child who won't go to bed.

This is going to take a conversation with mum though and her being on board and going against court orders.
I think as she gets older you need to be more easy breezy with contact, if she wants to just come for the day, great. If she wants to sleep, brilliant.
Especially as she moves to being a teen, her room and her stuff become more important, lugging your important stuff from house to house. Her friendships will take priority so contact does and should change to reflect that, pick up from school, going out for dinner and dropping her back to her mums, picking her and some of her friends up going to a trampoline park or bowling, and home

Whilst its great for those that make it work with two homes, it doesn't work for all, be flexible and work with her and her mum

Co sleeping is a red herring, stop pushing it with the child like its a dirty secret.

I would be absolutely slaughtered on here if I said my house was not DSSs home because he is only there EOW.

Well, from the child's perspective, realistically they're going to see one house as being their main home if they only spend 2 nights a fortnight in the other house. But this isn't the situation here where the DD spends 2/7 nights and 3 days a week at her dad's house.

Yep very naive. Shes 8 fgs not 18.

That’s exactly it. You’re making it out like it’s a “dirty secret” and something both mum and daughter should be ashamed of and it’s not. It’s perfectly ok for them both to go sleep. Neither should be made to feel anything other than it being ok.

My elder two dc never spent a single night in my bed but my youngest is 7 and rarely spends a full night alone. He is also very nervous of being apart from me and I've spent lots of time gently encouraging him to be more independent.

My eldest two both have ASD and like to behave sometime as though they've never met me before!

People are different, work with what you've got.

*co sleep

What this is beginning to read like is that your DH wants your DD to come but only on condition that she's happy and easy to deal with and that he doesn't have to do any of the shit parts of parenting like deal with a child who won't go to bed.

I think this is a bit unfair, he is doing everything you suggested - the baths, the stories, the chats about it, sitting with her to fall asleep....he IS trying to deal with that part of it. It doesn't even sound like bedtime is an issue when she's at his? But obviously he can only do all this if she comes, which is OP's probem.

OP, personally I think what he's doing now is fine. I think he is right to still bring SD to yours even if she gets upset at parting time. The bed thing is a bit of a red herring, the real issue is that she just doesn't want to leave her mum - that's just a product of being a young child with separated parents, sadly. But your DH is doing what he can and it sounds like her mum is too.

I'd stop focusing on the bed thing, even if that changes at home she will still cry at the thought of leaving her mum, but eventually she will move out of that stage.

@Goldbar

I would be absolutely slaughtered on here if I said my house was not DSSs home because he is only there EOW.

Well, from the child's perspective, realistically they're going to see one house as being their main home if they only spend 2 nights a fortnight in the other house. But this isn't the situation here where the DD spends 2/7 nights and 3 days a week at her dad's house.

Goldbar, I agree with you completely. Spending every other weekend somewhere does not make it your home, but that view is not generally accepted on here when the issues are the other way round.

I had this with my daughter. She was only 2 months old when my husband and I broke up as he had an affair with my close friend and neighbour. Of course she is close to and attached to her mum. It's what the child knows and feels safe with. It is not a reflection on you or your partner. She is still so young. LET YOUR EGO GO & have lovely days and adventures and fun days at home when you have her. Until she is way older if she wants to go home go with the flow. Both you & your partners relationship & time with her will be so much more fulfilling if you relax with this issue. Just because the "court" ordered it doesn't mean it's best for the child. Her emotional wellbeing is what is important.

LET YOUR EGO GO & have lovely days and adventures and fun days at home when you have her. Until she is way older if she wants to go home go with the flow.

But on the occasions OP is talking about, she doesn't want to come at all, so no adventures or fun at home with dad?

The issue has been derailed by the whole bed thing but the crux is that you've got a young child crying at the thought of leaving her mum to be with her dad at all, on occasion. OP has linked it to the bed issue but actually it's probably bigger than that, as you say many children who were tiny when their parents separated seem to share these issues.

So the thing is really what can OP's DH do to make SD less upset about coming, so the handover is not traumatic? And he is already doing what he can there.

Also I'd imagine if contact has had to be court-ordered that going with the flow is not a suitable approach as one or both parents won't support this.