The reverse and another perspective

[SandyY2K]

I saw this on another forum and a lot of the content sounded so familiar in terms of what SMs say.

Are you quick to assume your stepkid’s mum is High-Conflict, just because she challenges an opinion or decision of your husband’s?

Do you read every email/text between her and your husband? Are you helping him craft every response? Are you responding on his behalf?

Have you put rules in place about how often, or by what means, your husband is allowed to communicate with her?

Do you think you’re a better parent than her? More importantly, do you tell people that?

Do you badmouth her in public? To colleagues? In-laws? In front of the kids?

Is everything her fault? Do you think that your life would be “perfect” if she wasn’t in the picture?

Do you demand to attend all exchanges, school functions, or sporting events if she is going to be there? Even if you know it could cause extreme conflict? But, just because you want your presence known?

Tips to become a Low-Conflict Stepmom

In all decision making, consider her perspective. Your take on a situation is not always right, and sometimes, more heads are better than one.A difference of opinion in parenting does not mean that she is “high-conflict.

[quote Tattler2]@HogDogKetchup
People separate sometimes because interest and feelings for each other have changed, that in no way signals acrimony or the inability to make mutually agreed upon decisions about their children.

They can remain as friends and effective communicators while no longer wishing to be lovers and partners.[/quote]
As you say, sometimes. So there are many who don’t remain,‘or never were, friends.

@HogDogKetchup
Agreed, people do not ever have had to be friends or even liked each other to be capable of being agreeable about mutual interests and common ground. It happens in Congress and Parliament all of the time.

Knowing and doing what is best for your mutual child does not require you to like or even respect the other parent. It only requires that you both love the child enough to put their interests above your own.

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
My point is that sometimes parents make explicit commitments to their children that encumber future funds. My ex for instance would hold my daughter from infancy and say to her " when my princess goes to x Ivy League College, I am going to come up for every game.".

From infancy through today he committed to my daughter, that he plans to send her to his alma mater. This is not written anywhere but on his conscience and in my daughter's memory, but none the less he entered his second marriage knowing that this is an existing prior commitment of funds. Fortunately, this is not a problem in his current marriage, but were he to have married someone who thought that his earnings and resources accured to her upon marriage ,she would likely be complaining about his entitled daughter. Some parents want to do very many things for their children and those intentions do not end with a divorce decree. Unfortunately for some, those intentions are not clearly articulated to the new partners. Maybe paying for hair appointments or the prom gown of choice may have been things that this dad always intended to provide for his daughter.. The problem becomes when he is unable to meet his expectations and then attempts to pass them on to his new partner.[/quote]
Yes, but as I said, I was referencing unforeseen expenses and decisions that DO affect their ability to meet both sets of expectations. I'm not sure why you keep describing situations where that isn't the case and there is no issue?

i stand by my comments - as illustrated by your rcent post.

1. Do you know how much it actually drops by, out of interest?

I'd imagine you don't. - Answer Ler yes why do you think I picked that scenario and it was £42 per week - in reality the cut was more for reasons I will not bore you with!

2,Equally, I can't say I've ever seen a sm post about that situation, and even if she had it wouldn't be her decision to do that. Would I condone it? No especially if they're not his children but the drop wouldn't be a "big" drop.

The I suggest you read a few old posts where new babies are about to appear and the discussion on how the EX being pissed off because they will be cutting how much they pay -for children who have not got any cheaper. Who do you think makes up the lost monies? Santa!

3.This is just utter insulting shite. - no it is not.
When a sm is to blame I'll happily say it really!
So will many others. I won't blame a sm when she isn't to blame though. - neither will i when have I
You shouldn't apportion blame to someone who's not to blame through some kind of bizarre fairness - seriously - not bizarre but we all do things that piss people off intentionally and unintentionally and othat includes SMs - of which I am one. When have I blamed an SM when it was someone elses fault.?

4.I'm glad for you and sorry for her. She shouldn't have to do that. Yes, next time I have to report dps ex to the police for harassment, I'll just try and talk to her and take a few deep breaths.

Seriously you need anger management - she did it because she is an adult who can communicate. She realised her DP was in a shit show of parenting - more with his second EX not me. We sat down and talked day 1 - same page, she is still in a war zone with the second EX. Who still manages to affect my DCS life on a weekly basis and as a consequence mine.
And yes a few deep breaths the first SM reported me to social services, the police, border control, anonymous call to benefit fraud line, accused me of child neglect ( major issue with my work), accessed my emails and paid for someone to hack my social media - 10 yrs down the line everyone of those issues still cause me hassle on a monthly basis. So yes I absolutely sodding get what bitches SOME SMs and EXs can be - I was suspended from my job because of her antics. I also get how lovely the VAST MAJORITY of SMs and EXs are.

But lets not ignore the fact that there are absolute mingers in every single aspect of the step, EX, blended scenario and I will call anyone who is being one out.

[quote Tattler2]@HogDogKetchup
Agreed, people do not ever have had to be friends or even liked each other to be capable of being agreeable about mutual interests and common ground. It happens in Congress and Parliament all of the time.

Knowing and doing what is best for your mutual child does not require you to like or even respect the other parent. It only requires that you both love the child enough to put their interests above your own.[/quote]
Whether or not they are capable wasn’t in question.

Whether or not they are agreeable, in the absence of a new partner, as you asserted was.

Going back to that point, I don’t agree that separated parents co-parent in harmony, in every (or even most) instances, prior to the introduction of a new partner.

Family lawyers would be pretty skint if that was the case.

My perspective is as the ex-wife. Ex-he's girlfriend (who was the OW) is deeply insecure and jealous. She has painted me as some sort of psychopath to anybody who will listen. The truth is everybody knows what she is and what an utter cunt she is. She also couldn't hold back her contempt towards our small autistic DS.

The upshot of this is that ex has now lost contact and the court has placed injunctive measure in relation to her.

I spent 7 years trying to cope as this woman controlled all our parenting communication, tracked my ex wherever he went, made false reports about me to the police, sent me horrific hate mail, was vile towards my child. That is the very very condensed version. Her final vile act was to ban my son from visiting his father when I was diagnosed with cancer at the beginning of the pandemic. This was so my ex couldn't help me. Imagine being that threatened by an ex-wife with cancer? Ex did nothing to stop her. He's as bad as she is. My son hasn't seen his father since.

I am fully aware that her side is that I am the mad, bitter ex wife etc etc blah blah blah. Anything to take the focus off the fact she was shagging my husband when hers was killed in an RTA. A death that has made her very wealthy.

So, I would have far preferred my child to have had a decent stepmother who nurtured and cared for him. Instead I am still picking up the pieces of her endless shit behaviour. I know my story is probably quite rare in the grand scheme but there are always two sides. Unfortunately hers was pure evil.

Are you quick to assume your stepkid’s mum is High-Conflict, just because she challenges an opinion or decision of your husband’s?
Nope she can challenge his opinion all she likes i certainly do regularly the difference is i allow him an opinion she doesnt!

Do you read every email/text between her and your husband? Are you helping him craft every response? Are you responding on his behalf?

Nope i have better things to do

Have you put rules in place about how often, or by what means, your husband is allowed to communicate with her?

Nope I couldnt care less

Do you think you’re a better parent than her? More importantly, do you tell people that?

I know im a better parent than her i dont use my children as pawns to get my own way, my step children also tell me they wish i was their real mum. No ive never told other people i hardly ever talk about her.

Do you badmouth her in public? To colleagues? In-laws? In front of the kids?

Nope, she however calls me all kinds of names and has threatened to kill me several times in front of the kids.

Is everything her fault? Do you think that your life would be “perfect” if she wasn’t in the picture?

Nope, i do think my life would be easier if she didnt exist though.

Do you demand to attend all exchanges, school functions, or sporting events if she is going to be there? Even if you know it could cause extreme conflict? But, just because you want your presence known?

No in fact ive spent 2 weeks assuring DSD that its ok her mum has banned me from her graduation and that i am proud of her and hope she has a lovely day.

[quote Tattler2]@HogDogKetchup
Agreed, people do not ever have had to be friends or even liked each other to be capable of being agreeable about mutual interests and common ground. It happens in Congress and Parliament all of the time.

Knowing and doing what is best for your mutual child does not require you to like or even respect the other parent. It only requires that you both love the child enough to put their interests above your own.[/quote]
Yes, and some people don't.

Answer Ler yes why do you think I picked that scenario and it was £42 per week - in reality the cut was more for reasons I will not bore you with

That must have been a very high earner then?

Seriously you need anger management

Do you want to elaborate on that?

She did it because she is an adult who can communicate. She realised her DP was in a shit show of parenting - more with his second EX not me. We sat down and talked day 1 - same page, she is still in a war zone with the second EX. Who still manages to affect my DCS life on a weekly basis and as a consequence mine

Still shouldn't have been down to her.

And yes a few deep breaths the first SM reported me to social services, the police, border control, anonymous call to benefit fraud line, accused me of child neglect ( major issue with my work), accessed my emails and paid for someone to hack my social media - 10 yrs down the line everyone of those issues still cause me hassle on a monthly basis. So yes I absolutely sodding get what bitches SOME SMs and EXs can be - I was suspended from my job because of her antics. I also get how lovely the VAST MAJORITY of SMs and EXs are

Your deep breaths presumably didn't solve any of these issues though. The thing is you seem confident that it can never be the exs fault alone, it's just simply not true.

Knowing and doing what is best for your mutual child does not require you to like or even respect the other parent. It only requires that you both love the child enough to put their interests above your own.

I totally agree with this. It's what dp and his ex do.

@aSofaNearYou
I think in cases of unforseen or unexpected expenses most parents will act in the way that they think best for their children and the perception that they have of themself as a parent. I don't think that most act because of influence from the ex or perspective of the current partner. I really believe that act of their own internalized notion of the kind of parent they believe themselves to be. Some parents are crap parents because they are crap people. These same people are generally crap partners. It is not the person with whom they live and relate that makes their behavior uncaring and unacceptable. It is the character or lack thereof that they bring to the relationship, and that character goes with them from relationship to relationship.

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
I think in cases of unforseen or unexpected expenses most parents will act in the way that they think best for their children and the perception that they have of themself as a parent. I don't think that most act because of influence from the ex or perspective of the current partner. I really believe that act of their own internalized notion of the kind of parent they believe themselves to be. Some parents are crap parents because they are crap people. These same people are generally crap partners. It is not the person with whom they live and relate that makes their behavior uncaring and unacceptable. It is the character or lack thereof that they bring to the relationship, and that character goes with them from relationship to relationship.[/quote]
I think you are kind of addressing someone else's point here, because I'm really not concerned about why they do it. The only point I was making is that it happens and it's bound to cause conflict, whether that be with the ex or with their partner.

@aSofaNearYou
If your point is that people with crap character and poor interpersonal skills bring those flaws from relationship to relationship , I would agree with you.

The FormidableMrsC - I understand your pain and the insecurity of the OW is exactly the reason she did what she did to me.

Her issues not mine. Thank god for SM2

Where have I said it is never the EX - I keep saying . I am watching my EX go through hell with his second EX and his current DP - owned her relationship with the mothers of his children and whereas some of us are sane we have a great relationship. One of my DCs has serious medical issues - she will be with them on her own at times and she wanted to understand not get second hand info from her DP who is at best flakey. Responsible sensible adult.

DEep breaths were never going to solve EX2 and her actions but me going in all guns blazing was not going to either. So yes i have taken a f* of a lot of deep breaths over the years - just like the FormidableMrsMc.

You seem determined to paint all EXWs as mental bitches - when all I am saying is there are mental ones and normal ExWs, there are mental and normal SMs and there are mental and normal EXHs.

I have seen the extreme ends of the SM spectrum and I sure as hell know which one I prefer and so do my DCs.

You just don't seem to be able to accept that some SMs do cause trouble. i fully accept some ExWs can cause trouble to.

10 yrs down the line, I am going on holiday at half term and I can guarantee I will be stopped at Border Control and taken aside and interviewed yet a bloody again - some gifts never stop giving!

To be honest I think that kind of step parenting, when there is another co parent heavily involved, is just asking for conflict. I would hate someone to be like that with my son. Kind, welcoming, aunt type relationship absolutely but not insisting he is their child too and trying to muscle in on everything like these posters do. I said as such on a post once and the overwhelming response was that they didn't care, it was the exes problem if she felt that way.

As a step parent, this really resonated with me.

I’ve tried to see it from Mum’s point of view, but…she’s called me a slut, threatened to destroy my car, she’s told DS not to be in a room alone with me, she’s been taken to court by social services, she takes cocaine, she gets in fights, she manipulates the kids into keeping secrets from us, she slags us off to them…the list is literally endless. And it’s all evidenced.

I stopped trying to see anything from her point of view a long time ago, because I can’t rationally understand how anyone would want to put their kids in a room with violence.

What I would say is, is it ever going to be possible for a biological parent to see it from a step parents point of view?

Because to me:

We have a lot of responsibility and very little power.

We tread a fine line between ‘aunt’ and ‘mum’ and so the kids (and us) quite often don’t know where they stand.

It’s okay for us to homeschool but it’s not okay for us to talk to their teacher about their education.

We get the brunt end of crap from our partners about the ex, but no right to reply or control the dialogue.

And on that front we have to just watch as someone we love experiences regular stress, but we’re not allowed to fix it.

Picking up a child from school to help my partner is labelled ‘playing mummy and daddy’ but then it’s expected that I will look after the kids so they can both go to parents evening.

I am damned if I buy something for the kids, but I’m damned because I work full time and earn and therefore I should be contributing to the kids.

Every, single, day step parents walk a tightrope between keeping themselves sane, giving their step kids enough, supporting DP, but not overstepping. Every day I want to tell my step kids exactly what their mother is like, because they think the sun shines out of her arse, and every day I bite it down. Meanwhile she says whatever the hell she fancies and most of it is made up.

Frankly I don’t have any headspace left to try and see the point of view of someone who thinks they’re number one mum but in reality they come up short every single day.

I’d rather give her less of my thinking time and actually spend it on something that could make a difference.

You just don't seem to be able to accept that some SMs do cause trouble. i fully accept some ExWs can cause trouble to.

But an ExW has parental responsibility.
They are a parent.

I’m here, because I love DP, and he comes with kids. Ergo, I am a step parent. But the reality is that’s a bit like being a volunteer, there’s no contractual obligation for me to look after the kids, I’m not legally responsible for them, I have no power to dictate where they go to school or where we live.

And yet, that influence of another person, dictates I can’t move more than 3 miles away, and thus I can’t buy a bigger house so that the kids have more space because I can’t move, I can’t change the kids schools to be closer to the house to make it easier for them, I can’t sign the kids up to clubs because she can’t/won’t take them, I don’t have contact with mums and PTAs, I can’t throw the kids a party on their birthday with their friends as they’re split between two houses in the middle of the day.

It is actually quite a castrating position to be in. It rules our lives most days.

An ExW can dictate most of those things, and the Ex did until we had a court order. But because she did before that, the status quo mostly still stands.

@HogDogKetchup

I honestly believe if the 2 parents were left solely alone to make these decisions rarely would there be so much conflict

I honesty believe if relations were so harmonious those two people wouldn’t have separated in the first place. What a ridiculous statement.

I actually think @HogDogKetchup is spot on!

Me & exH were civil and amicable co parents until he moved in with his DP. The minute that happened it's gone completely down hill. The OP could be written savour our situation.

Sm reads and responds to every message, has banned exHs family from having a relationship, has told exH not to attend school events if I'll be there (we wouldn't sit together but would be in the same hall with c. 1000 other people) - even that is an issue!

And the relationship never broke down due to communication issues, it ended due to my exH shagging someone else (his now DP to be precise!!). Yet she's the one who is insecure and causing issues 🤯

In my situation…

His ex was difficult before I arrived on the scene but she was “manageable”.

She didn’t mind me being around when I was a part-time working mother who rented my house, in some respects I think she saw we were similar. But within a year of meeting DP I went back to university to do a masters degree, increased my earning potential exponentially and began earning decent wage. She suddenly disliked me intensely and would feed back unkind things about me via the children. I at no point during this time had any contact with her so it was completely unjustified and unnecessarily unkind.

DP contributes not one penny towards my children. I fund them 100% myself. DP hasn’t dropped maintenance since living with me, in fact it keeps increasing.

I have improved the quality of their children’s lives by

1. Providing a much nicer, bigger home than they have ever lived in. Beautiful bedroom for the girls, decorated how they want etc
2. Dad has more disposable income which has lead to an increase in maintenance and extras for the children (although recently this has taken the piss a bit, hence my most recent thread and has ended up costing me)
3. The house I provided is closer to mum than dad’s previous house so now they can freely come and go, meaning contact has increased dramatically.
4. I work shorter hours than DP which means the kids (mostly youngest SD as it wasn’t an issue for the oldest) can stay midweek. Before she couldn’t because DP leaves for work at 5.30am and comes home at 7pm. My presence in our home means she can stay over more, so I actually facilitate contact.
5. I pull my weight with the kids out of kindness. For example, if DP’s ex gets stuck in traffic I’ll collect the kids from activities/ friend’s houses.
6. I never, ever contact the ex, go to school events or try to parent them beyond insuring they are safe / fed. I don’t get involved in disputes between them but I will occasionally enforce boundaries of my own when ex pushes it. My only enforcement is to say “no, sorry that doesn’t work for me” when she’s demanding via the kids that I do XYZ.

All in all, I avoid drama and contact with the ex as much as possible.

The problem is, she doesn’t. I think she actually enjoys conflict and the drama of being angry over nothing. For example I received a torrent of abuse for refusing to personally contribute to a very expensive gift she’d decided we should buy for SD16. I had bought in the same week some new plants for my front garden… apparently that made me a c*nt and “showed I didn’t care about my SCs”.

I have no problem with requests from DP’s exgf or his children, but “requests” imply the person being asked has a choice to say no. Demands are very different. Demands come with an ultimatum.
“Buy XYZ or we won’t do ABC”.

Demands seem to come with a comply or be punished mentality. It’s abusive behaviour and if it wasn’t coming from children / their mother then the consensus would be 100% that it is unacceptable and said people would be removed from your life.

Honestly @Tattler2 I think your posts are well meaning but incredibly blinkered because you seem to assume everyone behaved reasonably and rationally as long as they are treated as such.
I wish that was the case but I think you’ve been very lucky in your situation that your SC’s mum seems like a decent, kind human being with her children’s best interests at heart.
Not every parent behaves like that unfortunately.

It’s becoming increasingly clear that my SC’s mum values many things above her children’s mental well being. She is not a bad mum in the sense that the children are loved, fed and taken care of. However, she won’t do anything for them that doesn’t also benefit herself in some way and she’ll ultimately put her own happiness before theirs.

I’ve seen it time and time again.

seem determined to paint all EXWs as mental bitches - when all I am saying is there are mental ones and normal ExWs, there are mental and normal SMs and there are mental and normal EXHs.

I don't. I'm sure you can't give any examples of where I have said that. I just wanted to point out that in some circumstances it is entirely the ex causing the issue, and nobody else. That's literally it. I know that most exs are normal and reasonable women.

You just don't seem to be able to accept that some SMs do cause trouble. i fully accept some ExWs can cause trouble to

Again yes I can. And no I don't believe you do, you keep harping on about sharing the blame equally.

It’s becoming increasingly clear that my SC’s mum values many things above her children’s mental well being. She is not a bad mum in the sense that the children are loved, fed and taken care of. However, she won’t do anything for them that doesn’t also benefit herself in some way and she’ll ultimately put her own happiness before theirs.

This is what I struggle to reconcile with my
DH’s ex. She comes first and her child second irrespective of the impact that has. I struggle even more now I’m a mother of two myself. Every decision I make puts my children at the forefront, I find it difficult that she doesn’t think like that and the consequences that has for DSS.

@HogDogKetchup

It’s becoming increasingly clear that my SC’s mum values many things above her children’s mental well being. She is not a bad mum in the sense that the children are loved, fed and taken care of. However, she won’t do anything for them that doesn’t also benefit herself in some way and she’ll ultimately put her own happiness before theirs.

This is what I struggle to reconcile with my
DH’s ex. She comes first and her child second irrespective of the impact that has. I struggle even more now I’m a mother of two myself. Every decision I make puts my children at the forefront, I find it difficult that she doesn’t think like that and the consequences that has for DSS.

I agree with this. This is exactly the way that dps ex is. Barring a period of time where she kicked him out.

It has always been her first since I've known her.

A prime example of her putting herself before the children is refusing to see the children on Mother’s Day because it fell on “our weekend” 3 years running.
Watching my SCs cry and plead with their mother to see her because she had promised to go for Sunday dinner with them but cancelled last minute because she decided to go to the pub with her new boyfriend instead.
It was heartbreaking. 2nd & 3rd times she did the same, saying she’ll see them but them cancelling. This year the girls were distraught because she ignored them for the hour she had them so she could apply her make up, eldest SD came back to ours within 45 mins in tears saying her mum couldn’t even be bothered to open her card and was only interested in the lipstick the kids had bought her.

Also, them begging her to not let her previous boyfriend move in after she’d been dating him less than 4 months. She did it anyway.

Refusing to take SD12 to her asthma clinic appointment because it clashed with a hair appointment she’d booked for herself… bear in mind she was unemployed at the time and could go any day of the week and actually booked the hairdressing appointment after knowing the asthma clinic date.

I could go on, but you get the picture.

[quote Tattler2]@aSofaNearYou
If your point is that people with crap character and poor interpersonal skills bring those flaws from relationship to relationship , I would agree with you.[/quote]
Well, yes, but I am also saying that somebody without infinite resources and a very neat system time wise is bound to end up in some degree of conflict with either their partner or ex, because the circumstances of their life and commitments stretches them too thin.