The reverse and another perspective

[SandyY2K]

I saw this on another forum and a lot of the content sounded so familiar in terms of what SMs say.

Are you quick to assume your stepkid’s mum is High-Conflict, just because she challenges an opinion or decision of your husband’s?

Do you read every email/text between her and your husband? Are you helping him craft every response? Are you responding on his behalf?

Have you put rules in place about how often, or by what means, your husband is allowed to communicate with her?

Do you think you’re a better parent than her? More importantly, do you tell people that?

Do you badmouth her in public? To colleagues? In-laws? In front of the kids?

Is everything her fault? Do you think that your life would be “perfect” if she wasn’t in the picture?

Do you demand to attend all exchanges, school functions, or sporting events if she is going to be there? Even if you know it could cause extreme conflict? But, just because you want your presence known?

Tips to become a Low-Conflict Stepmom

In all decision making, consider her perspective. Your take on a situation is not always right, and sometimes, more heads are better than one.A difference of opinion in parenting does not mean that she is “high-conflict.

It's basically doing something that harms your child, in order to upset or anger or stress your ex partner, or their partner.

I can quote confidently say that's dps ex has mentally traumatised her own child, in order to upset dp and myself. The only person she has harmed, however is her own child. Does she care about that? Course not cos she truly believes she is number 1 mum and she's had it so hard parenting all by herself with no help or support. She genuinely believes that to be true.

My DP’s exgf using her children to try and manipulate him into doing what she wants.

Examples are her asking him to swap weekends so she can go away with her friends - this is a reasonable request, however if DP can’t because of other commitments, instead of just accepting the situation she will say deliberately manipulative things to the children.
“I asked your dad if he wanted extra time with you this weekend but he doesn’t”.
She will deliberately omit the fact that she requested the change in schedule because it suited her plans and dad couldn’t accommodate her request, it’s not that he didn’t want to see them… he could be working for example.

The children will then be angry at dad, ignore his calls or texts, or even contact him upset claiming he doesn’t love them or want to spend time with them.

Another recent example is his exgf saying to the children that they can have something really expensive for their birthday/Christmas, knowing full well she can’t afford to buy it for them.
So then she’ll ring DP and demand a large sum of money towards a present she has committed to buying with no prior discussion with DP about what he had planned or what our budget is.

Then, when DP inevitably refuses the ridiculous request and says he has a budget of £££ then his ex tells the children they now can’t have what they were promised by her “because your dad said no”.
Again she’ll omit the fact she didn’t have the means to pay (or even contribute towards in some cases) for the item and that it was also outside of what dad could afford.

Instead he’s made out to be the bad guy and the children are then angry at him because it feels like they’ve had a present taken away from them.

These are prime examples of how some parents manipulate their coparenting situation to make themselves always look like the good parent to the child, whilst the other is painted as the one who is bad or mean.

I have/am in both positions, sm and my dc have a sm. my dsc mum is a vile narcissist who cares not a jot the emotional damage she inflicts on dsc as long as she gets her own way or hurts his df. She does everything possible to make life awkward and difficult while refusing to get a job and expecting my dp to pay for absolutely everything. My dc also have a dsm who I tried to encourage a relationship with against my better judgment until it became obvious that my dc were being neglected and their lives put at risk. Their father took his wives side and now no longer has contact with his kids.

@Tattler2 It is very obtuse because, as a regular on this forum, you surely know full well that what you have described there is not the kind of thing posters are talking about. PPs have elaborated, but you KNOW they are not talking about politely informing the other parent their child wants or needs something.

My dc also have a dsm who I tried to encourage a relationship with against my better judgment until it became obvious that my dc were being neglected and their lives put at risk. Their father took his wives side

I don’t understand comments like this - how can a step parent with no responsibility to provide for a child be guilty of neglect. Their father must have been responsible?

@Tattler2 the reason you are often described as obtuse is that you very often talk at great length about one thing while the thread is actually about something else, despite people repeatedly trying to get you to understand. Sofas last post gives one example of this.
I think you are well meaning but with no tolerance or understanding for the shades of grey that make up most people's lives and experiences.

Come everyone it's obvious that tattler enjoys posting things to wind people up. I don't think she's obtuse she's just an excellent wind up merchant.

I'm observing a lot more high conflict Stepmums in US forums tbh. MN SMs on the whole are very LC in comparison

I've actually seen the same and been thinking about this recently, I think general attitudes towards SPing varies depending where you're from. I am on another forum / group and a lot of the posters there are American. It seems from reading on a few pages like this, that US step parents are heavily involved and expect to be. It is very much of the "you must love step children equally to your own children and if you don't you are a terrible human being because they are YOUR children now" style from what I've seen. They seem to take literally the title and expect to be another parent to the child whereas UK poster's tend to think a much more distanced approach is better.

I've received torrents of shocked and horrified replies from these posters when someone said "surely you love your step children the same as your child" and I said well no, I don't love anyone as much as my DC? That to me is not surprising or worthy of shock but honestly you'd think I'd just admitted to making them sleep under the stairs by the response.

To be honest I think that kind of step parenting, when there is another co parent heavily involved, is just asking for conflict. I would hate someone to be like that with my son. Kind, welcoming, aunt type relationship absolutely but not insisting he is their child too and trying to muscle in on everything like these posters do. I said as such on a post once and the overwhelming response was that they didn't care, it was the exes problem if she felt that way.

Crazy imo (and I must admit not even the truth most of the time if people were actually honest, I highly doubt most of these people love a child they met at 10 years old and see EOW as much as their own child, they just think they are supposed to say that imo).

[quote Youseethethingis]@Tattler2 the reason you are often described as obtuse is that you very often talk at great length about one thing while the thread is actually about something else, despite people repeatedly trying to get you to understand. Sofas last post gives one example of this.
I think you are well meaning but with no tolerance or understanding for the shades of grey that make up most people's lives and experiences.[/quote]
You’re being extremely generous.

I’d describe frequent, lengthy, pompous, self congratulatory posts about issues which attempt to derail threads on such a regular basis as anything but well meaning.

You on other hand are a pleasant voice of sanity

@KylieKoKo

I really don't think @Tattler2 is trying to wind anybody up. There are good reasons why some people appear to be obtuse and highly focussed on one point of view - without any bad intent.

I also think she's found herself a really solid and honourable husband! It helps.

@spaceshiptomars I don't think it's bad intent really. I think she makes threads more interesting and it can be good to hear different perspectives.

I think the husband thing is true though. A lot of bad situations are at least in part due to people's husbands not parenting their children and not setting appropriate boundaries with the ex. It must be tough though if you're an NRP who's ex uses the children as a weapon.

@SpongebobNoPants

I have to admit though, I do think I’m a better mum than her. Her behaviour has damaged her children and she enjoys using them as pawns.

But don’t most people think the way they parent is the right way to do things?? I think I’m a better mum than many people, not just DP’s ex because I’m adhering to my own set of values which I think are right.

Agree with that first sentence. I am definitely a better mum. I would never ever ever use my children in the way she has. She has never, and will never, put their feelings first. It's all about how much she can attack my DP.

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@KylieKoKo

I really don't think @Tattler2 is trying to wind anybody up. There are good reasons why some people appear to be obtuse and highly focussed on one point of view - without any bad intent.

I also think she's found herself a really solid and honourable husband! It helps.[/quote]
Tbh when she posts about her approach I always remember that her original post and username came from her husband not exactly going along with her detached, untroubled approach, so I don't think it's quite as infallible as she claims!

@GreysonJones

I'm observing a lot more high conflict Stepmums in US forums tbh. MN SMs on the whole are very LC in comparison

I've actually seen the same and been thinking about this recently, I think general attitudes towards SPing varies depending where you're from. I am on another forum / group and a lot of the posters there are American. It seems from reading on a few pages like this, that US step parents are heavily involved and expect to be. It is very much of the "you must love step children equally to your own children and if you don't you are a terrible human being because they are YOUR children now" style from what I've seen. They seem to take literally the title and expect to be another parent to the child whereas UK poster's tend to think a much more distanced approach is better.

I've received torrents of shocked and horrified replies from these posters when someone said "surely you love your step children the same as your child" and I said well no, I don't love anyone as much as my DC? That to me is not surprising or worthy of shock but honestly you'd think I'd just admitted to making them sleep under the stairs by the response.

To be honest I think that kind of step parenting, when there is another co parent heavily involved, is just asking for conflict. I would hate someone to be like that with my son. Kind, welcoming, aunt type relationship absolutely but not insisting he is their child too and trying to muscle in on everything like these posters do. I said as such on a post once and the overwhelming response was that they didn't care, it was the exes problem if she felt that way.

Crazy imo (and I must admit not even the truth most of the time if people were actually honest, I highly doubt most of these people love a child they met at 10 years old and see EOW as much as their own child, they just think they are supposed to say that imo).

This would explain an awful lot, I'm currently dealing with some posters on here outside of the step parenting section that seem on a totally different planet!

In all decision making, consider her perspective

She doesnt consider me. I'll let DH worry about her I don't give a shit.

@HogDogKetchup

My dc also have a dsm who I tried to encourage a relationship with against my better judgment until it became obvious that my dc were being neglected and their lives put at risk. Their father took his wives side

I don’t understand comments like this - how can a step parent with no responsibility to provide for a child be guilty of neglect. Their father must have been responsible?

Yes he was equally responsible. Serving my dc food that they KNOW they don't like and then forcing them to sit at the table for hours until it was eaten. Taking a vehicle that only had 3 seats ( 2 parents and 2 kids ) forcing one on the dc to sit in the footwell for hours on the motorway because their step mother didn't trust my ex to deliver the dc back to me without her there. Taking one dc with a severe allergy to a certain medication to hospital and allowing them to be given the medication rather than bringing them home to me to contact the GP. Many of these incidents happened because of her insecurities towards me, she needn't have worried I would rather stick pins in my eyes than ever go near him again.

@wanttomarryamillionaire

They weren't equally responsible. Parents are responsible for their children's wellbeing. These instances happened because he's a bad father.

[quote KylieKoKo]@wanttomarryamillionaire

They weren't equally responsible. Parents are responsible for their children's wellbeing. These instances happened because he's a bad father.[/quote]
This

The only responsibility she had is to ensure they are not harmed in her presence like any random adult who is in a household with any random children.

She isn't responsible for feeding them, disciplining them, taking them to hospital, knowing their drug allergies and handing them over to you.

The fact their father doesn't know their likes/dislikes and allergies plus decided he can't do these things on his own and defers to the woman he's with means he is a shit father.

So since I have come from USA I feel like I have seen this in real life however I must say where I was based, the sweetness and all together attitude tends to mask a fairly dare I say fake positivity that breeds resentment, it's less about the kids and more about family structures and "respect".

Like the remark "bless your heart" can either be a really sweet remark or a rather damming one. Nothing really is what it seems over there and over in the states they are big on "family" and the traditional family set up is the overall aim even when relationships break down, calling step kids bonus families ect.

In the Uk it seems people are more reserved and dare I say respectful or parental lines.

I only speak to the region of which I lived so others may disagree.

This completely depends on the ex in question and to a degree the husband in my view. Ultimately a step parent has limited control over parental decisions that will effect their house. This is frustrating due why so many blended families struggle because it falls under "take one or in the some cases many for the team"

[quote KylieKoKo]@wanttomarryamillionaire

They weren't equally responsible. Parents are responsible for their children's wellbeing. These instances happened because he's a bad father.[/quote]
Yes hes a terrible father i agree, but much of this was at her instigation because of her insecurities. That makes them equally responsible in my eyes.

Yes hes a terrible father i agree, but much of this was at her instigation because of her insecurities. That makes them equally responsible in my eyes.

It doesn't. These were all decisions made by him. He didn't have to listen to her, he could have chosen to put his children first but he didn't. She had no responsibility towards the kids, only he does. He made the bad calls. It's his responsibility.

There are so many factors invovled - Ex, DF and SM - reasons for break up, finances, the kids, behaviours and manners.

The spectrum is massive an on here you see it all. It is interesting that on the Lone parent thread - mainly mums - they really do not post the vitriolic rants that appear on the SM about the SM or the EXH. Usually far more measured and polite - when there is some seriously crazy shit going on in the other family.

I do think people post on here in a manner to get people on their side and get vv angry when people do not support the theory that the Ex has a point, or vice versa. On the SM forum, no one admits to being the OW, or the emotional affair, have never seen so many EXW with mental health issues, all debt has been left to the man, no EXWs work full time, they are all money leaches and the Disney Dads - -well they are true in all forms of families.

We expect an awful lot of often very young children to accept that their parents have done with an adult understanding they really do not have. Having said that some kids are little shits in unblended families as well - just on here it is invariably blamed on poor parenting by the EXW.

Am also completely convinced many of the DFs are not completely truthful with their new DPs about circumstances - their behaviours and reasons why the EXW behaves like they do on certain issues. According to my EX - 'i took the house or he gifted it to me, I took half his pension - i top up his pension yearly and have done for 10 yrs, he does not pay me minimum maintenance for 2 DCs but does pay his first exdp 3 times minimum for on child which is 4 times higher than he does my 2!!! His new DP ( brill SM) had a chat about the facts - what she had been told and what was reality were far removed.

I think in most cases - SMs wish the DCS did not exist - which most people understand. However, they do and the simmering resentment of them in "their" home, eating "their" food, using a bedroom, watching a TV, pick up time and distance, the comparisions with the ex etc etc do all get a bit tiring and there is a solution but no one wants to hear it and most of the time with more DCS involved is never going to be practical.

@bogoffmda

There are so many factors invovled - Ex, DF and SM - reasons for break up, finances, the kids, behaviours and manners.

The spectrum is massive an on here you see it all. It is interesting that on the Lone parent thread - mainly mums - they really do not post the vitriolic rants that appear on the SM about the SM or the EXH. Usually far more measured and polite - when there is some seriously crazy shit going on in the other family.

I do think people post on here in a manner to get people on their side and get vv angry when people do not support the theory that the Ex has a point, or vice versa. On the SM forum, no one admits to being the OW, or the emotional affair, have never seen so many EXW with mental health issues, all debt has been left to the man, no EXWs work full time, they are all money leaches and the Disney Dads - -well they are true in all forms of families.

We expect an awful lot of often very young children to accept that their parents have done with an adult understanding they really do not have. Having said that some kids are little shits in unblended families as well - just on here it is invariably blamed on poor parenting by the EXW.

Am also completely convinced many of the DFs are not completely truthful with their new DPs about circumstances - their behaviours and reasons why the EXW behaves like they do on certain issues. According to my EX - 'i took the house or he gifted it to me, I took half his pension - i top up his pension yearly and have done for 10 yrs, he does not pay me minimum maintenance for 2 DCs but does pay his first exdp 3 times minimum for on child which is 4 times higher than he does my 2!!! His new DP ( brill SM) had a chat about the facts - what she had been told and what was reality were far removed.

I think in most cases - SMs wish the DCS did not exist - which most people understand. However, they do and the simmering resentment of them in "their" home, eating "their" food, using a bedroom, watching a TV, pick up time and distance, the comparisions with the ex etc etc do all get a bit tiring and there is a solution but no one wants to hear it and most of the time with more DCS involved is never going to be practical.

Well yes, nobodies going to need to post on here if the ex is a perfectly lovely woman.

Posts like this irritate me. Disbelieving of ops, trying to tell everyone their dps lie to them because ex wives obviously can never act like that etc etc. I don't know why you post here if you go into it already thinking op is lying.

I think in most cases - SMs wish the DCS did not exist

I dont think that at all, this is an assumption based on a forum where struggling step parents come to vent ie. Not an actual representation of all step parents but a sample of struggling ones.

I dont wish DSS would disappear. I wish he could live with is full time. I find the hardest part of being a step parent is having no rights to protect my stepchild.
Going back to the original post do I think I'm a better parent then his mum hell yeah. I would never pick a man over my child. DSS is being exposed to domestic violence and at best authoritarian parenting but at worse I fear much worse and nothing I can do. DP has gone to ss and solicitors but theres 'not enough evidence 'or him betting the crap out of her is 'an isolated incidence'.
I hate his step father and as much as i have tried to empathise with his mum. I hate that she has left him in this environment. But I have no rights to protect him.

I dont agree with default to mum is always right because that's not always the case.

@vivainsomnia

What both parties often fail is to accept that there can be two different perspective to one situation, because of minute I formation one might not have that makes a significant difference, or just because very often, there isn't one right or wrong situation.

This is so true. I think seeing a situation from each person's POV would certainly reduce conflict.

It's easy to assume that the way we interpret a situation is the reality of that situation. It's not specific to SM/ex, it applies to any relationship.

You show great insight and it comes across as objective.