SO accusing me of being divisive

[Drift101]

Morning all,

I need your help. I’m nachoing in a big way, Level 3 Nacho Supreme, and have communicated this to my partner. He was disappointed initially but said he understood and would be supportive.

Since nachoing our relationship seems to have got worse. He is accusing me of coming between him and his child by distancing myself and protecting my peace.

Examples:

• It was my friend’s baby shower and I stayed after to help clear up. He saw that as me avoiding his daughter when I was just being helpful to a friend.

• I went to London for the day to get my (ex) engagement ring valued. I did it when he had his daughter so they could spend some time just one on one but he said I’m splitting everyone up and causing a divide. I didn’t want to do it on one of our weekends as I would have been going alone anyway. I asked if he fancied making a weekend of it but we both realised that might be a bit odd!

• It was the anniversary of my Dad’s death on transition day. She got here at 6pm so I had a nice normal chat with her when she arrived then when she went upstairs I closed the living room door so I could get under a blanket, watch trash tv and feel crappy in peace without the competing sounds of computer games. Apparently by doing this I’ve shut his daughter out and made her disappear. She wouldn’t have known the door was closed because she’d gone up to her room and closed hers. This is something she’s always done as she has a lot of screen time in her bedroom.

• Similar happened with the food shopping. I closed the kitchen door to put the food shopping away, we have a cat so wanted to keep him out, but again I’m only doing it to shut his daughter out. She was upstairs with her door closed, again this is her choice as she wants to play computer games or watch the tv.

• We’ve recently moved into a new house (7 weeks ago) and haven’t yet put any pictures up. He kicked off saying that if anyone came in to the house and glanced around they wouldn’t know she lived here because there’s nothing of hers “out on show”. I calmly pointed out they wouldn’t know who lived here at all because all of our shoes and coats are put away, things are tidy, and we haven’t put up any of our pictures yet.

I’m at a loss I really am.

I was more involved with parenting and discipline but that caused friction and now I’ve stepped back he’s accusing me of things that just aren’t true.

We’ve talked and he said he’ll be more mindful and try not to see everything in a negative light but I feel like I’m waiting for the next accusation or problem to arise.

If I’ve got it wrong and I am being divisive then do tell me as it wasn’t my intention. I feel like I’m just getting on with things.

Thanks if you’ve got this far x

@Starrynight468 she doesn't have kids with him. It is the perfect time to leave.

The reason I advised counselling first is so the OP doesn't end up in another relationship like the one she is in now if she does leave, and to hopefully decrease the levels of animosity there are when they do split up if doesn't change his ways.

There are men with children who don't act like her DP as well as childless single men her age.

if he doesn't change his ways.

I'm not advising the OP to stay! I just think the OP does own the house with her dp so she probably feels she can't just pack her bags and leave.

@NowEvenBetter well he's now agreed to it in theory but wants a few bottom lines around my dc. He feels he has it harder than me as mine are here full time whereas his is here 50/50. I feel I have it harder as my dc are well adjusted teenagers who do well in school and are involved in youth clubs and participation clubs, have hobbies, clean up after themselves mostly. His biggest bug bear is their joking around as it can verge on being like Friday night dinner when they're both excited (without the carpet stains and salt in water ect as they're not feral). He also thinks that we should help each other out in emergencies and says that he will pick my dc up from school if they were unwell so why shouldn't I have dss if ds is too poorly to go to school. I shouldn't have used that I won't be emergency back up if that ever happened as an example - but I don't need his help. My dm would help, or my nan, or my cousin as they always have done.

I hate being a step mum OP. All it has done is turn me into a big ball of seething resentment where I notice every single annoying or careless thing that dss does. I'm not sure I can go nacho kid when it's things that damage my furniture. I want to, I really want to make my bedroom into a nicer place to be in so I can disappear and not care about my carpets, my sofa my walls when he's doing parkor on them, I just wish I never got myself into this situation in the first place. Don't get married or have a baby OP. The only reason I said I wouldn't tell you to leave him is because I've been told on here and in real life to leave my husband multiple times and until I'm completely ready I won't. I literally don't know why I put up with what I put up with but I do.

How are things OP?