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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SO accusing me of being divisive

79 replies

Drift101 · 22/09/2021 08:22

Morning all,

I need your help. I’m nachoing in a big way, Level 3 Nacho Supreme, and have communicated this to my partner. He was disappointed initially but said he understood and would be supportive.

Since nachoing our relationship seems to have got worse. He is accusing me of coming between him and his child by distancing myself and protecting my peace.

Examples:

  • It was my friend’s baby shower and I stayed after to help clear up. He saw that as me avoiding his daughter when I was just being helpful to a friend.
  • I went to London for the day to get my (ex) engagement ring valued. I did it when he had his daughter so they could spend some time just one on one but he said I’m splitting everyone up and causing a divide. I didn’t want to do it on one of our weekends as I would have been going alone anyway. I asked if he fancied making a weekend of it but we both realised that might be a bit odd!
  • It was the anniversary of my Dad’s death on transition day. She got here at 6pm so I had a nice normal chat with her when she arrived then when she went upstairs I closed the living room door so I could get under a blanket, watch trash tv and feel crappy in peace without the competing sounds of computer games. Apparently by doing this I’ve shut his daughter out and made her disappear. She wouldn’t have known the door was closed because she’d gone up to her room and closed hers. This is something she’s always done as she has a lot of screen time in her bedroom.
  • Similar happened with the food shopping. I closed the kitchen door to put the food shopping away, we have a cat so wanted to keep him out, but again I’m only doing it to shut his daughter out. She was upstairs with her door closed, again this is her choice as she wants to play computer games or watch the tv.
  • We’ve recently moved into a new house (7 weeks ago) and haven’t yet put any pictures up. He kicked off saying that if anyone came in to the house and glanced around they wouldn’t know she lived here because there’s nothing of hers “out on show”. I calmly pointed out they wouldn’t know who lived here at all because all of our shoes and coats are put away, things are tidy, and we haven’t put up any of our pictures yet.

I’m at a loss I really am.

I was more involved with parenting and discipline but that caused friction and now I’ve stepped back he’s accusing me of things that just aren’t true.

We’ve talked and he said he’ll be more mindful and try not to see everything in a negative light but I feel like I’m waiting for the next accusation or problem to arise.

If I’ve got it wrong and I am being divisive then do tell me as it wasn’t my intention. I feel like I’m just getting on with things.

Thanks if you’ve got this far x

OP posts:
Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 13:34

Here is another meaning which is what the op is doing, Myusernameisnot :

momadviceline.com/what-is-nacho-parenting/

NowEvenBetter · 22/09/2021 13:36

It was extremely stupid to buy a house with this boyfriend, try to get out of that as soon as possible and just date him if you really need to.

Sounds like one of those dreary men who leech on to the first women who’ll tolerate it, to force them into doing the drudgery of parenting for them.

NowEvenBetter · 22/09/2021 13:38

(I can’t even imagine wanting to be around a male who ‘kicks off’ about anything. Don’t allow anyone to do that.)

NowEvenBetter · 22/09/2021 13:39

You’re 35, you don’t have time (if you want a kid) to be wasting your fertile years on this bloke.

Bluntness100 · 22/09/2021 13:42

Your title and explanation are contradictory

Natchoing means not yout kids not your responsibility. So you’re deciding to not be involved. However when he pulls you up on this and questions it you explain it was the cat, ro some other reason and that’s not what you’re doing.

So be honest with him. Tell him you don’t wish to be involved. Or you wish to “Natcho” and stop giving excuses as to why you are absent.

GoogleyEyes1 · 22/09/2021 13:45

Nacho Kids is "not your kids".

It's the best way to SP with parent like your husband.

I wouldn't put up with this shit OP. You're not doing anything wrong.

GoogleyEyes1 · 22/09/2021 13:46

@Bluntness100

Your title and explanation are contradictory

Natchoing means not yout kids not your responsibility. So you’re deciding to not be involved. However when he pulls you up on this and questions it you explain it was the cat, ro some other reason and that’s not what you’re doing.

So be honest with him. Tell him you don’t wish to be involved. Or you wish to “Natcho” and stop giving excuses as to why you are absent.

Because they are all stupid examples. Why does she even need to justify shutting the kitchen door?

Not everything HAS to be about his kid. Maybe it was because of the cat? It's a perfectly reasonable thing to do.

Or are we all not allowed to shut any doors in our house now unless it's in some weird roundabout way about the kids?

NowEvenBetter · 22/09/2021 13:46

(He’s not a husband, just a boyfriend, thankfully.)

GoogleyEyes1 · 22/09/2021 13:47

@NowEvenBetter

(He’s not a husband, just a boyfriend, thankfully.)
Oh good, well in that case OP. Run a mile even quicker!
GoogleyEyes1 · 22/09/2021 13:47

A man like this will never allow you to "Nacho". Because he doesn't want to be responsible for his daughter and hates that you don't want to be.

He's trying to guilt you about daft things like closing doors. It's ridiculous.

Justilou1 · 22/09/2021 13:49

He is already setting you up to fail. He is guilt-tripping you for things YOU haven’t done (that he hasn’t either) like the photos, he is creating a situation of perceived emotional rejection where there was none (the closed doors). He is trying to “train” you to take over the parental role (the mental load and “woman’s work” stuff) so that he has more free time when his kid is around. The way he is doing it is by gaslighting you. The intention is to make you so insecure about what is right and wrong that you don’t question his judgement anymore for fear of making him upset/seeming crazy or stupid, etc…. I wouldn’t be surprised if this leads to further, bigger problems with the way household duties are shared. (Ie - the decoration was automatically YOUR fault.)

bogoffmda · 22/09/2021 14:38

"I'm 35 and feel like time is ticking.When it is just us it is great"

This is not the relationship for you or his daughter. You don't want her around and the minute you have your own DC - you are going to resent her even more.

Either agree some ground rules - ie, you can pick up her manners etc or leave.

MzHz · 22/09/2021 15:07

You’re wasting your life and fertility on a man who wants you to pitch in and be responsible for kids his kids

He’s showing you who he is- pay attention

Bongolistical · 22/09/2021 15:23

Why would you waste your time with this drain on oxygen.

Armychefbethebest · 22/09/2021 15:52

I've totally stepped back after 3 years and told my partner I will be doing so the last month feels like a big weight has been lifted off my shoulders. This is how it should feel op my partner totally understands why I need to step back as much as I have yours doesn't, it seems you can't do right for wrong or he's pissed he actually has to parent now I would be putting your next moves in place my first ever ltb xx

Youseethethingis · 22/09/2021 16:47

If you can't win the game, stop playing it before you lose your self respect and remaining fertile years waiting for him to change the rules he's making up to suit himself.

chocolatesaltyballs22 · 22/09/2021 17:39

Dear God, he sounds like hard work. He'd struggle to live with me as a step parent. I have to leave the room if SS is playing a computer game with the sound on as it does my head in. He clearly has unrealistic expectations of you. (Also just learnt that I Natcho... You learn something new every day!)

SandyY2K · 22/09/2021 18:51

@Brollywasntneededafterall

Sorry to be so blunt but why the fuck have you bought a house with him??
He imo expected full nanny and housekeeping services when you got that key...

I think age comes into play and people settle for men like this, even when the red flags are clearly visible.

If he expects this much for his kid what would he expect with a shared child. He wants you to do it all and isn't happy you've stepped back.

This is where people say you knew what you where getting into

You've seen the type of dad he is...but sunken cost fallacy comes into play and you settle.

EKGEMS · 22/09/2021 18:58

He's a controlling asshole,isn't he?!!! Don't do this,do that-no not THAT way! Why are you still doing it that wayyy??? I'd leave the relationship and look into a sperm bank cause I think five more minutes with him and I'd be in jail and be in dire need of a shit hot defense attorney!

MzHz · 22/09/2021 19:34

[quote SandyY2K]**@Brollywasntneededafterall

Sorry to be so blunt but why the fuck have you bought a house with him??
He imo expected full nanny and housekeeping services when you got that key...

I think age comes into play and people settle for men like this, even when the red flags are clearly visible.

If he expects this much for his kid what would he expect with a shared child. He wants you to do it all and isn't happy you've stepped back.

This is where people say you knew what you where getting into

You've seen the type of dad he is...but sunken cost fallacy comes into play and you settle.[/quote]
Think this is the first time I’ve seen a sensible reference to the “knew what you were getting into”

@Drift101 you need to do your homework on step parenting fast there have been a load of threads recently that have this shit show as a theme and if you don’t pay attention, don’t end this ASAP so you have the time to meet someone with baggage, you’ll end up a regular contributor to the step parenting threads and you’ll be miserable

Buy him out, get a lodger do whatever it fucking takes to get out of this now so you can salvage the rest of your life

SandyY2K · 22/09/2021 19:46

Nachoing
Nachoing is when you get up in the middle of sex to eat nachos and then go back to having sex with a mouth full of nachos.
Nachoing is great when your hungry and horny.

My word.

The Nacho Kids method is a method for blended families that consists of techniques and strategies^

“Nachoing” as it is often referred to as, or using the Nacho Kids method, is stepping back from situations that cause you and/or your blended_step relationship stress and realizing when you feel you have “no control” you actually have the ultimate control.

Starseeking · 22/09/2021 20:29

Sounds like you need to leave this relationship as it doesn't sound it works for either of you.

Starrynight468 · 23/09/2021 08:32

Can I just thank you OP for opening my eyes to Nacho kids! I've joined the fb group and I'm seriously considering joining the academy.

I spoke to DH about it last night but he's not keen, what is it with these types of men who want you to parent their dc but have no opinions or needs of your own.

I won't advise you to leave as it's very easy to advise someone to do that but I would advise you to have a look on the support cafe and think about your life if your dp won't get on board with you about nacho-ing.

GoogleyEyes1 · 23/09/2021 09:24

I won't advise you to leave as it's very easy to advise someone to do that

Whilst this is true, I do honestly believe it's the best advice in this particular scenario. OP is not married to the guy nor does she have kids with him. It would be MUCH harder to leave when either of those things happen.

NowEvenBetter · 23/09/2021 13:18

‘I spoke to DH about it last night but he's not keen’
😆well of course he’s not, he’s one of these common as muck males who become parasitic to their next girlfriend after their relationship with their kids mother fails. They’ll select a woman they think they can get to raise their kids for them, with a few tired old cliches thrown in. ‘Oh so you hate my kids, then? So you don’t want them to have a good time here?’ Etc.
It’s astonishing that so many women accept this shit.