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Step-parenting

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Original poster

SO accusing me of being divisive

79 replies

Drift101 · 22/09/2021 08:22

Morning all,

I need your help. I’m nachoing in a big way, Level 3 Nacho Supreme, and have communicated this to my partner. He was disappointed initially but said he understood and would be supportive.

Since nachoing our relationship seems to have got worse. He is accusing me of coming between him and his child by distancing myself and protecting my peace.

Examples:

  • It was my friend’s baby shower and I stayed after to help clear up. He saw that as me avoiding his daughter when I was just being helpful to a friend.
  • I went to London for the day to get my (ex) engagement ring valued. I did it when he had his daughter so they could spend some time just one on one but he said I’m splitting everyone up and causing a divide. I didn’t want to do it on one of our weekends as I would have been going alone anyway. I asked if he fancied making a weekend of it but we both realised that might be a bit odd!
  • It was the anniversary of my Dad’s death on transition day. She got here at 6pm so I had a nice normal chat with her when she arrived then when she went upstairs I closed the living room door so I could get under a blanket, watch trash tv and feel crappy in peace without the competing sounds of computer games. Apparently by doing this I’ve shut his daughter out and made her disappear. She wouldn’t have known the door was closed because she’d gone up to her room and closed hers. This is something she’s always done as she has a lot of screen time in her bedroom.
  • Similar happened with the food shopping. I closed the kitchen door to put the food shopping away, we have a cat so wanted to keep him out, but again I’m only doing it to shut his daughter out. She was upstairs with her door closed, again this is her choice as she wants to play computer games or watch the tv.
  • We’ve recently moved into a new house (7 weeks ago) and haven’t yet put any pictures up. He kicked off saying that if anyone came in to the house and glanced around they wouldn’t know she lived here because there’s nothing of hers “out on show”. I calmly pointed out they wouldn’t know who lived here at all because all of our shoes and coats are put away, things are tidy, and we haven’t put up any of our pictures yet.

I’m at a loss I really am.

I was more involved with parenting and discipline but that caused friction and now I’ve stepped back he’s accusing me of things that just aren’t true.

We’ve talked and he said he’ll be more mindful and try not to see everything in a negative light but I feel like I’m waiting for the next accusation or problem to arise.

If I’ve got it wrong and I am being divisive then do tell me as it wasn’t my intention. I feel like I’m just getting on with things.

Thanks if you’ve got this far x

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 22/09/2021 10:04

He’s ridiculous. He has a child, you don’t. Your free weekend time is yours to spend as you wish. Have you asked him why he’s unwilling to spend time with his daughter by himself? How did he manage before he hoped you in?

How long was he single after he split with her mum?

Does he have two hands? If so what’s stopped him from putting some photos up?

I know you’ve just moved but I’d leave him. He’s stroppy, controlling and disrespectful. It’s incredibly unattractive.

Bananarama21 · 22/09/2021 10:08

It will get worse if you have your dc op run.

PeeAche · 22/09/2021 10:09

@aSofaNearYou

Step-parenting is a nuanced thing. It’s never black and white. And it’s rarely easy. But it is possible to have a positive role and be child focused whilst also not losing yourself to it.

But it is also possible to not be child focused and it not be malicious or unacceptable. It is a valid choice.

I agree.

I actually don’t think that taking weekends for yourself when the kids are around isn’t child focused anyway. I am ever the devoted SM to my DSC but I still do my own thing on “their time”. Nights out, shopping trips… whatever I want.

OrangeTortoise · 22/09/2021 10:16

The one about closing the door while you were putting the food shopping away is truly bizarre. Surely if your DSD wanted to come into the kitchen she could have, erm... opened the door?! I think your DP just wants you to be in the wrong here.

And yes, why is it your responsibility to put up pictures, not his?

He sounds like an immature loser OP.

Evesgarden · 22/09/2021 10:17

For anyone wanting to know what "Nachoing" means

[https://nachokids.com/the-dos-and-donts-of-nachoing]

I think you should probably leave OP, He has become hypersensitive and hyper protective over her. In his mind you don't like her. You're never going to win the he feels like he has to go on the defensive when she comes over.

Do you shut the cat out every single time when you put the shipping away?

Myusernameisnotmyusernameno · 22/09/2021 10:25

What's nachoing?

Couchbettato · 22/09/2021 10:36

Does he think his daughter is incapable of using a door handle?

I mean it's bonkers to blame you for all his nosense, but it's also a bit insulting to his daughters intelligence it he thinks that a simple door is going to prevent her from seeing you, him or any one.

Brollywasntneededafterall · 22/09/2021 10:41

Sorry to be so blunt but why the fuck have you bought a house with him??
He imo expected full nanny and housekeeping services when you got that key...
And a red carpet for when dd arrives...

IM0GEN · 22/09/2021 10:44

He wants you to go all the grunt work of parenting so he can have the fun bits.

But I agree that’s not your job.

And he’s incredibly bossy and critical. I bet this is why his ex wife left him - though no doubt he will say she cheated - that’s what they all say.

However have fundamentally different views of parenting that can’t be reconciled. If you have a child with him it will be even worse, as he will insist that you treat both his children the same.

If you ever want your own children you need to get out now and find someone you have more in common with.

BananaPB · 22/09/2021 10:48

This is not a suitable guy to have a baby with. Come on, you know he'll end up saying that you're leaving out sd if you ever do anything or buy anything for your child.

BananaPB · 22/09/2021 10:49

Imagine your child being told that closing a door means excluding their half sibling. Insane, cruel and untrue

MrsWooster · 22/09/2021 12:03

I’d be interested nosy to know how long he was single parenting before you came along- ready, in his head, to slip into a preassigned fantasymum role…

Tattler2 · 22/09/2021 12:05

Essentially, shutting a door means that you wish not to be disturbed and you want to shut out the external noises. This meaning is pretty universal. Both you and the daughter likely share the exact same sentiments when you close the door.

Your partner may be expressing his thoughts rather than his daughter's feelings. You might ask him if his daughter has expressed any of the feelings that he is attributing to her. You can perhaps discuss how erroneous he may be both in his assessment of your motivations and her feelings. It is possible that you and his daughter have a similar perspective while his thoughts are not consistent with the way that both you and the daughter are experiencing your interactions.

You and the daughter are having a real world relationship while he is conjuring up a fantasy family experience.

Depending upon the daughter's age, you might pull her aside and let her know that you enjoy the time that you spend together and if she ever feels a need to speak with you that you will always make time for her. Perhaps you can set up a once a month coffee outing for the 2 of you to have a " update /check in.,"

WoozySnoozy · 22/09/2021 12:14

Perhaps you can set up a once a month coffee outing for the 2 of you to have a " update /check in.," there's no need to do this. As far as I can tell from OP they have a perfectly normal relationship. She just shuts a door and the partner blows it out of proportion. My DH complained when I used to leave the room and find something else to do when the kids tv came on. But I explained I'm not wasting my life watching that shit just because he does.. life is better now. We all get our needs met. There's no need to force the relation with the DSC it just happens naturally.

RedMarauder · 22/09/2021 12:15

@Tattler2 the OP never indicated she had a problem with her partner's child and the child hasn't indicated she has a problem with the OP, the issue - which is common - is the partner's.

aSofaNearYou · 22/09/2021 12:32

Essentially, shutting a door means that you wish not to be disturbed and you want to shut out the external noises. This meaning is pretty universal. Both you and the daughter likely share the exact same sentiments when you close the door.

It can do, usually for me it's more about drafts and where I do/don't want the cat to be.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 12:37

I know you have just bought a house but......it might be better if you split up and find a childless man.

ZenNudist · 22/09/2021 12:49

I second counselling. Perhaps explore why you didn't immediately pull him up on the photo comment tell him to DIY (maybe you did) . His communication style sounds nasty if he goes to blaming you over totally unreasonable things.

I'm sorry but I think you need to get rid. It sounds like nothing will ever be good enough.

Mustangdally · 22/09/2021 12:54

In the words of Iron Maiden... Run to the hills... run for your life.

This sounds incredulous.

I would agree that you shouldn't be involved in parenting and discipline if it causes friction, however you appear to not be able to do right for doing wrong..

BYE! is what I would be saying.

thelastgoldeneagle · 22/09/2021 12:59

I'm afraid he sounds awful. None of the things you listed are at all unreasonable. He needs to step up and parent his dd and accept that you'd like some time to yourself.

He should be spending time with her one to one anyway.

I'd be reconsidering the whole relationship.

WoozySnoozy · 22/09/2021 13:02

It can do, usually for me it's more about drafts and where I do/don't want the cat to be. exactly. It's just a door. There is no deep meaning to it.

Beamur · 22/09/2021 13:06

I can't see that you have done anything wrong.
Your DP is expecting you to behave like a mother yet without the emotional attachment or the two-way discipline/respect.
I would tell him in no uncertain terms to like it or lump it. It's not a tenable position for either of you.
This could be a deal breaker though.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 13:12

Absolutely!

In the words of Pink Floyd, Run for the Hills:
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run
Run, run, run, run, run, run, run, run

Not forgetting Kate Bush: Running Up That Hill
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.
If I only could, I'd be running up that hill.

Don't look back!

baggingareaunattended · 22/09/2021 13:21

Hmmmm nachos .. erm don't think I can add much more... oh other than do you want your own kids with him? And maybe you just need to try to involve the SD, ask her if she want to help pop the shopping away, that's a no, then crack on. At least you've asked. Seems a bit OTT.

It's a bit weird your DP is so sensitive about things. You can't win, personally I think I'd reassess the relationship and get out, you're young enough to have your own
Family in the next 5 years.

Plumtree391 · 22/09/2021 13:31

@Myusernameisnotmyusernameno

What's nachoing?
From the Urban Dictionary:

Nachoing
Nachoing is when you get up in the middle of sex to eat nachos and then go back to having sex with a mouth full of nachos.
Nachoing is great when your hungry and horny.