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Original poster

Should I just go and get them?

425 replies

Avocadodo · 08/09/2021 16:32

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

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Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 11:12

@MiddleParking that's how I saw it. They chose to have kids with each other so anyone out side that coparenting relationship shouldn't be expected to help and if they do then there should be gratitude not rudeness. I'll see what happens. Maybe she'll say hello!

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Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 11:13

@PurfectPaul it was in their agreement. Seemed fairest.

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Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 11:15

Because it's a common (bizarre belief imo) that separated parents should have to have absolutely nothing to do with their children during the other parents time it does seem odd to me that a parent can just switch off when it's the other parents contact time but maybe that's how seperated parents deal with it. I know DH is always facetiming and trying to show he's still there when he's not there.

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PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:20

@Avocadodo

Because it's a common (bizarre belief imo) that separated parents should have to have absolutely nothing to do with their children during the other parents time it does seem odd to me that a parent can just switch off when it's the other parents contact time but maybe that's how seperated parents deal with it. I know DH is always facetiming and trying to show he's still there when he's not there.
I think it's fine to switch off in the sense that you have down time you can look forward to, arrange things with your partner, friends, just chill on your own etc...

But what I don't get is this instance that the other parent must never be bothered with any issues. Even if it's not a regular occurrence.

I am aware, as a mother, that there will be times where I'll have to change things or cancel things or do things I perhaps would prefer not to, for my DC. That wouldn't change just because me and their father split up.

To honestly expect there never to be a scenario where you may have to change something or do something on the other parents time is unrealistic and a bit silly imo.

Goldiemummy · 09/09/2021 11:21

I personally would go and collect them so my other half could see his children. I would want him to do the same if I was in that situation.

sofakingcool · 09/09/2021 11:25

@Avocadodo

Because it's a common (bizarre belief imo) that separated parents should have to have absolutely nothing to do with their children during the other parents time it does seem odd to me that a parent can just switch off when it's the other parents contact time but maybe that's how seperated parents deal with it. I know DH is always facetiming and trying to show he's still there when he's not there.
IMO and experience, it wasn't about switching off, but as the sole parent for 12 days solid I appreciated my DS free weekend and TBH would be pretty pissed off if anyone questioned that.

Now I always stepped up, as I prioritised DS over myself those weekends, and ended up with my Ex taking the mickey - and using the "how can you not care blah blah blah". He was very welcome to live in my shoes and have DS alone and hope to be lucky enough to get a couple of days to relax, if not then don't question when I got upset about it.

PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:37

I'm not referring to exes who take the piss or judging anyone who enjoys childfree time. Who doesn't?! Especially when you're the RP.

But it does seem to come up a lot on here and it's almost like people genuinely expect never to have to do anything on the other parents time, ever. It's not really realistic is it. You're still a parent whoever's house your DC happens to be in at the time and I'd think pretty lowly of any parent who, in a genuine situation where their ex wasn't capable of doing something, their first was response was "It's not my time, so not my problem".

TeenTitan007 · 09/09/2021 11:41

OP - I do feel sorry for you. It's hard enough running the house, doing chores and taking care of a small child if your DH is unwell and not contributing. On top of that to have step kids at home to cook for is more work.

No way would I have offered up 3 hours out of this tiring schedule to drive a long route to pick up the step kids. And definitely not if there were pressure from the ex!

You are being very generous and kind to do this. I hope your DH and the step kids appreciate this even if the ex doesn't.

sofakingcool · 09/09/2021 11:46

@PurfectPaul

I'm not referring to exes who take the piss or judging anyone who enjoys childfree time. Who doesn't?! Especially when you're the RP.

But it does seem to come up a lot on here and it's almost like people genuinely expect never to have to do anything on the other parents time, ever. It's not really realistic is it. You're still a parent whoever's house your DC happens to be in at the time and I'd think pretty lowly of any parent who, in a genuine situation where their ex wasn't capable of doing something, their first was response was "It's not my time, so not my problem".

It depends to me how much the NRP steps up, on non contact days, when needed. In my case it was a case of "out of sight, out of mind" when my ex didn't have DS, so I begrudged helping him (but would try and look past that - I was doing it for DS)

OP- does your DH step up if needed between contacts? If his Ex needed him to? I don't mean face times, I mean if she's stuck would he help? Because IMO it works both ways. If the expectation is that the RP always prioritises the children, then so should the NRP. It should work both ways.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 11:50

OP- does your DH step up if needed between contacts? If his Ex needed him to? yes, especially during covid times he was needed a lot as they had a vulnerable family member living with them.

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PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:51

It depends to me how much the NRP steps up, on non contact days, when needed

I can see why it would annoy you. But I wouldn't say it would affect how I parented. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that. So I wouldn't use what my ex did or didn't do as an excuse to do the same when it came to my kids personally.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 11:52

How badly would DP have to be injured for the ex to cancel her plans? I mean he finds it really painful to walk so if I wasn't here he'd have to tell her he couldn't look after them.

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PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:54

@Avocadodo

How badly would DP have to be injured for the ex to cancel her plans? I mean he finds it really painful to walk so if I wasn't here he'd have to tell her he couldn't look after them.
I'm fairly sure people on MN would expect him to ask literally anyone but their mother to help tbh.
Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 11:56

I wouldn't be happy if he did that with my LO though. I'd want to look after her if he couldn't. Rather than his mate Gary from accounts.

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sofakingcool · 09/09/2021 11:57

@PurfectPaul

It depends to me how much the NRP steps up, on non contact days, when needed

I can see why it would annoy you. But I wouldn't say it would affect how I parented. Two wrongs don't make a right and all that. So I wouldn't use what my ex did or didn't do as an excuse to do the same when it came to my kids personally.

Absolutely, I wouldn't sink down to my Exes level.

There's a lot of double standards on MN

Posts asking how the RP doesn't drop everything for their children when their ex has contact etc

Posts from step parents saying how frustrated they are when their DH has to do something to help out the ex, often backed up with "of course you're not unreasonable"

PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:57

@Avocadodo

I wouldn't be happy if he did that with my LO though. I'd want to look after her if he couldn't. Rather than his mate Gary from accounts.
Yes I'd be the same.
PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 11:59

Posts asking how the RP doesn't drop everything for their children when their ex has contact etc

Posts from step parents saying how frustrated they are when their DH has to do something to help out the ex, often backed up with "of course you're not unreasonable"

I think it depends which side you're on sometimes because, whilst I do know there are posts like this, I'd say it's more common to see the opposite, RP (typically Mum) shouldn't have to do anything when it's not her time, Dad should ask literally anyone but her whereas if the roles were reversed he would be absolutely chastised for not "helping" on Mum's time if she needed it.

aSofaNearYou · 09/09/2021 12:01

@Avocadodo

How badly would DP have to be injured for the ex to cancel her plans? I mean he finds it really painful to walk so if I wasn't here he'd have to tell her he couldn't look after them.
And this is what people overlook when they say if they were your DH they'd think you were a twat for not doing this "one" favour. It's not one favour, you're basically facilitating the whole contact weekend and solely caring for your joint DC to boot. You are already doing lots of favours.
PurfectPaul · 09/09/2021 12:01

I know there can be a lot of piss taking though with some NRPs, I don't think RP should be expected to drop everything for literally any reason. But genuine reasons, I don't think it's unreasonable for either parent to be the one that's expected to step in whether it's their time or not.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 12:12

I agree if it was just DH can't be bothered to go and get them or he's the one that hates motorway driving then he would be taking the piss to ask her to drive them here.

All sorted now but thanks for a the support and letting me rant!

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Magda72 · 09/09/2021 12:14

Because it's a common (bizarre belief imo) that separated parents should have to have absolutely nothing to do with their children during the other parents time. They shouldn't be disturbed with any issues, they shouldn't be asked to do anything, they shouldn't have to alter any arrangements or change anything they were planning due to unforseen circumstances. People here would sooner have the father ask a stranger on the street to babysit in an emergency than ask the mother of his children because it's "not her time". It's really weird and comes up a lot. Usually only when you're talking about mothers though.
This!!!
X 100!
I wouldn't facilitate my exh on my time if he wanted to play golf or have a lie in for eg! But if he needs to switch weekends for a genuine reason or if he's sick etc. I will happily step in ON MY TIME! We may be divorced but they are OUR kids & as such they are OUR responsibility - no one else's.
Honestly - some of the responses you're getting on here @Avocadodo are batshit crazy! Must be the moon!

SecondRow · 09/09/2021 12:19

I'd leave toddler with DH in front of the TV for a couple of hours though. At least you'd have a peaceful drive one way.

Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 12:47

@SecondRow

I'd leave toddler with DH in front of the TV for a couple of hours though. At least you'd have a peaceful drive one way.
Not really possible. He can barely look after himself at the moment and is on painkillers so likely to just fall asleep.
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Original poster
Avocadodo · 09/09/2021 12:47

Good idea though!

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vivainsomnia · 09/09/2021 12:59

Didn't she know what she was getting into when she had children with a man she was going to split up with?
Do you mean expected to pick up the slack when he fail with his responsibilities?

Yes but heaven forbid anyone do something for their DC on THEIR EXES TIME dun dun dunnn
Well we hear it enough the other way around. Quite a few posts about dads refusing to help with childcare during lockdown because why should they when it's not their time with the kids.