Should I just go and get them?

[Avocadodo]

My DH is due to pick up his children this weekend and then mum due to pick them up. DH can't drive this weekend due to injury. Their mum asked DH if I could come and get them. I've never spoken to her in my life and I'm not that involved in the parenting side of things and also I hate the motorway. So I've said no, and DH can't find anyone else (family live many miles away).

So no fuss from DH, not my kids so not my problem. But Ex is now insisting I go and get them and she's got plans for the weekend she doesn't want to cancel. She said I need to step up for them. Is that just tough or shall I
go the long way and get them? DH would have to pay for my petrol. I mean I see her point of view but if I didn't exist they'd have to sort it out between them.

I assure you he has been flexible and helped out during lockdowns.

And any chance he is given to spend with his kids he tries to take it

Well we hear it enough the other way around. Quite a few posts about dads refusing to help with childcare during lockdown because why should they when it's not their time with the kids

Not sure what your point is. They are equally wrong.

It sounds like he’s broken his leg or similar. Not a chance you’d describe an RP mother in those circumstances as ‘failing in her responsibilities’.

Do you mean expected to pick up the slack when he fail with his responsibilities
Yes. DH picked up the slack with our home and child last year while I was failing in my responsibilities by nearly dying. I can promise you he would have done the same if we had split up because I have witnessed him doing the same for his ex (she didn't nearly die, was merely hospitalised but still, she failed to be physically able to care for their child on her time).

Do you mean expected to pick up the slack when he fail with his responsibilities? Things happen and could happen to anyone that mean they cannot fulfill their responsibilities. I do think if you've had a child with someone then you need to be prepared they might not be able to fulfill these responsibilities at one point or another. Not get all demanding that someone who has zero responsibility towards the children do it.

Not a chance you’d describe an RP mother in those circumstances as ‘failing in her responsibilities’

You would still expect a RP mother with a broken leg to be able to care for her children.

He is 'failing his responsibilities' because he has no back up plans. It shouldn't be mum's responsibility to pick up the slack except in the most dire of emergencies. As I said up thread, I have managed all sorts as a single RP for over 12 years now with no support whatsoever from my ex. Why can't the OP's partner manage it?

And this is why there is thread upon thread of unhappy SM on MN

Unhappy because people try to take advantage of them and tell them what to do, and make all the compromises so that the parents don’t have to.

I’d be unhappy about all that too.

@Getawaywithit

Not a chance you’d describe an RP mother in those circumstances as ‘failing in her responsibilities’

You would still expect a RP mother with a broken leg to be able to care for her children.

He is 'failing his responsibilities' because he has no back up plans. It shouldn't be mum's responsibility to pick up the slack except in the most dire of emergencies. As I said up thread, I have managed all sorts as a single RP for over 12 years now with no support whatsoever from my ex. Why can't the OP's partner manage it?

This is what I find stupid.

"You shouldn't expect X unless absolutely dire circumstances from your child's other parent".

It's ridiculous. If my husband broke his leg I'd assume that I, as our child's mother would need to do a bit extra, that wouldn't be different if we separated. And same vice versa.

You both are responsible for your children, if one can't do something (for a genuine reason) then the responsibility falls to you as that child's other parent. It doesn't matter who's "time" it is.

This whole mindset of "nothing to do with me on exes time" is absolutely ridiculous imo.

Op, well done for agreeing to pick them up. I hope the ex is grateful and not rude to you as you're doing a massive favour that's not your responsibility to fulfil at all. Hope your DH gets better soon and your burden starts to lift.

People just come onto a thread and say "he needs to sort it". How? What do you practically expect him to do if not ask the other parent of the children?

My husband has no family around here. If I wasn't around and he broke his leg, he would HAVE to rely on his children's parent, their mother, to help with them. Which she would because she's not petty as fuck and understands her responsibility to her children is not just for 50% of the week.

She messaged us the other week because she had received some bad news, a miscarriage. She asked us if we'd have the children on her nights for a bit because she was upset and in pain.

It never, even once, occurred to my husband to turn around and say "erm no, it's your time, YOU sort it out, ask someone else".

I do think if you've had a child with someone then you need to be prepared they might not be able to fulfill these responsibilities at one point or another. Not get all demanding that someone who has zero responsibility towards the children do it.

I agree with this 100% OP.
A child has 2 people who are responsible for them and they should be prepared to make the sacrifices and compromises.

That’s what they signed up for when they became parents. They knew what they were getting themselves in to.

If custody is shared 50:50, then I would expect the reciprocation for life complications to be 50:50 between the parents. In cases where one parent only has the kids a few days a month, I do think they have more of an obligation to cover those days and to be available to help the primary parent. In the scenario it shouldn’t be an even reciprocation because one parent isn’t doing as much to begin with.

I'd do it for my husband, same as I would for any good friend. It's a favour to him, not her.

So because they aren't 50/50, one parent simply isn't allowed to have an emergency?
How does one arrange that?
I'd have thought it would all balance out. The chances of an EOW parent having an emergency that impacts their time are obviously far smaller than the other parent.

Some of the comments on here are crackers.

If my ex could have our DD and couldn't find anyone to collect her (for whatever reason including hating motor ways) and had broken his leg, me the mum would be offering to drive the kids down or do something to help switch weekends or whatever.

The fact this isn't the default position of some is actual madness. Me and my ex didn't end well but my god we make sure that as a co parenting team we act like a team at all times.

I wouldn't be like, you yes you servant that lives with my ex - come collect my kids and btw the way I won't acknowledge your existence.

The parents created the children, the parents are ultimately responsible for the children, bad things happen and you act like a human being to the person you created other human beings with.

In my head. OP did your DH get a response from the ex about helping with the bags ect ?

@Avocadodo - I'm in your shoes trying to cope with an ExW who refuses to meet me, regularly is rude about me, was a nightmare withholding contact when her ex met someone new (me) after the divorce, refused to let me meet the girls and is basically a nightmare.

If (after all that) she was demanding I drive a three hour round trip, I think I'd be telling her where to shove it.

I hope I would do it for my DH if he asked me nicely, just like all the other times I've gone above and beyond because of her nonsense. But if she had the gall to text me demanding (not even asking!) I'd be too stubborn, because what right does she have to demand anything at this stage.

I think you're a lovely person for going. And it will hopefully make your DH happy to not have to miss contact, but I think you're basically a saint and everyone involves owes you big time.

It is a favour to the ExW (as well as to your DH). Of course it is. Because you could say no, and then she'd have to cancel her plans.

If she didn't have plans, you could have swapped weekends (for one where he is well enough to spend meaningful contact time with the kids) or as your DH suggests she could have done both drives this time, and DH could have done both next time. The reason you're being forced to do this specific drive is because SHE doesn't want to rearrange her plans. That's a favour in my book.

So this woman:

• refuses to say hello or acknowledge you
• is demanding a big favour
• is making you take a toddler on a three hour trip
• probably won't even let you into the house for a wee (forcing you to use a lay-by as you said above)
• doesn't seem to care that she's putting two arguing children into a car with a nervous driver
• will get cross if you get a McDonald's drive thru to make the drive easier
• seems to think all of this is expected of you because you're married to her ex.

Fuck that. You are an absolute saint.

aSofaNearYou why be a step parent at all? Honest question but surely if your getting into a relationship with your partner than also extends to developing a relationship with existing children, they are an extension of their df at the end of the day, it bodes the question why get together with someone who has kids if your not willing to accept them? It comes across sometimes more step mothers online have a chip on their shoulder when it comes to being part of the family unit. I get the laundry and tea aspect but surely that's down to your partner not the step children? Alot of step fathers tend to play a more active role in their step children's lives as they often or not live with them, they just tend to get on with attitude. DH wouldn't think twice about helping DS he's one of the kids same as his own.

You can accept and care for children without accepting that you are now responsible for caring for them.

@funinthesun19

And this is why there is thread upon thread of unhappy SM on MN

Unhappy because people try to take advantage of them and tell them what to do, and make all the compromises so that the parents don’t have to.

I’d be unhappy about all that too.

eh? It was a bloody lift? You never give any one a lift?

You would still expect a RP mother with a broken leg to be able to care for her children.

Well no I wouldn’t, being reasonably well versed in what legs are

eh? It was a bloody lift? You never give any one a lift
If it's just a lift and no big deal, why isn't the mother doing it for her own children?

@PurfectPaul

She messaged us the other week because she had received some bad news, a miscarriage. She asked us if we'd have the children on her nights for a bit because she was upset and in pain.

It never, even once, occurred to my husband to turn around and say "erm no, it's your time, YOU sort it out, ask someone else".

Well then the OP should be " AIBU to not want my kids here this weekend because I'm injured"

Not - should I give my dc a lift because my dh cant drive.

If he was too ill to look after the kids - thats different thing, apparently he wasn't and it was just an issue of actually getting the kids there. thats why OP was asked to give them a lift. She didnt want to - so it kicked off

@Youseethethingis

eh? It was a bloody lift? You never give any one a lift If it's just a lift and no big deal, why isn't the mother doing it for her own children?

Have you read the thread?