How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

Wow,so he would drop his children if he doesn't have a free house. That says more about him than anything else. If you stay with him then you share "the burden". If you are not around he dumps his children.

What is relationship like with his parents and how was his childhood?

Biological dad - no contact, he's a nasty piece of work. Relationship with his mum and stepdad is now great, but they were pretty much absent for his teens. Just showing up is doing great for his family, whereas just showing up is the absolute bare minimum from my perspective. As you've seen on the thread, my parents are lovely people who also happened to be affectionate, thoughtful, supportive parents.

Sorry if that comes across a bit sappy - I am close to my mum and dad, and especially in recent years have come to really appreciate everything they did for me as parents!

Mate, he's not even a nice dad! He's using those children to manipulate you. He's using you as free local accommodation and is making you feel grateful for it.

I'm not sure how this conversation has made it a good day. He's doing a real number on you.

Get your "thing" out of the way and revisit this with a clear head.

"In response he said that they come as a package deal, so I just have to accept it. And that as a team, I should help him share this 'burden'."

"he told me that if I ended things he would transfer to the opposite end of the country and arrange to see the children in the holidays, as he is only in this part of the country to be with me."

So, if you don't capitulate to his demands then he'll abandon his children (and of course it'll be your fault), but if he stays with you then he expects you to "share the burden" AKA do the parenting, support him financially, etc. So basically he expects more of a commitment to his children from you than he expects of himself even though they are HIS children!

I hope you are able to see how manipulative and unreasonable his behavior is.

I am not impressed by this man.

He is weaponising his own DC and trying to manipulate you. Focus on what you need and what you can change, not what he says he will do if you leave him.

It's OK to like and even love some parts of a relationship but still walk away, because ultimately it isn't right and keeping it going will lead to more pain.

Wow OP, he is completely emotionally blackmailing you. He has said he will abandon his kids if you throw him out. That he's only prepared to be a parent if he has some poor sap who is not their mother to share the load with him. I'm sorry to be so blunt but if you stay stay with him he is going to completely take the piss for the rest of your lives and leave you to do all the grunt work!

I am a stepmum myself, and I've been with my husband for nearly 9 years now. He has NEVER made me feel that I have to 'share the burden' as your partner so charmingly put it. Honestly, I feel quite strongly about this. You're only young - you don't need this in your life.

Aw, OP you are doing well and edging closer to that exit door.

Your values and his values do not align. When you find the right man I bet new man’s parents and your parents turn out to be quite similar. This guy isn’t right for you, which you know now.

Keep taking it at your own pace OP.

But bear in mind that this -
That said, when we spoke yesterday he told me that if I ended things he would transfer to the opposite end of the country and arrange to see the children in the holidays, as he is only in this part of the country to be with me.

• is 100% manipulation. He's dredged up something immaterial, that costs him nothing, to use as an "example" of something he is "doing for you".

It's bullshit.
Where he chooses to live if he moves out is nothing to do with you.
Also, interesting that he had no other example to offer you - unless you count yesterday's, when he tried to convince you that him paying for his & his children's food over the weekend (when were not even there to eat any of it) is a "contribution".

And he knows how to guilt-trip you.
He's trying to make you feel responsible for his potential choice to only see his kids in the holidays.

I'm hoping will tell me what he actually wants and who he is outside the heat of the moment

He's already told you exactly who he is, not just in the heat of the moment but overall
Whether or not to listen to the messages he's sending and act upon them is something only you can decide, but with no joint kids, mortgage or even any proper relationship, it genuinely beats me why you're still tolerating this

What's the timetable on your life thing?

Please remember that his kids only come as a 'package deal' when you're there to run around and pick up the pieces.

He's happy to ditch them if he doesn't have someone to provide and do the legwork for him.

From your updates it doesn't sound like he's going to change it so any of the things you asked. You don't want to be a step parent and he is a parent, whilst it's not your role to be responsible for his kids you do need some basic involvement with them as they are in your home and you don't seem to want that, even with the low level of contact he has now during school times of only 4 days a month. You had 4 conditions, none of which he plans to meet. And his condition is it's all or nothing. If you ask him to move out the relationship is over, if you don't want to be involved with his kids it's over, and he'll move across the country. So neither of you are willing to accept the others conditions. I don't see how after opening this up so clearly, there is any possibility of salvaging this, you both have very different focused and not wanting to be (which is fine) a step parent, is the biggest one- he has three young children that need to feel secure and cared for. Neither of you can or will change your position, so I think you already know your answer really.

OP most of the time time when people post it's because they are ready to hear the answers/conclusions they have already arrived at but need the validation of others to push through their doubts/anxiety.

I think you already know in your heart that this relationship isn't going to work for you.

Regardless you seem unable to end it.

I'm struggling to understand why given what you've posted.

He gives so little and you so much.

You've been so unhappy for months.

Ultimately you need to stop prevaricating.

He's right that he and his kids are a package deal. The idea you can have a relationship with him but not them is ridiculous (I'm a SM btw).

Continuing this relationship that's going nowhere isn't fair on his kids.

You are doing the reverse of cruel to be kind. You're being kind and actually being cruel.

Commit or end it, but realise that commitment is likely to leave you hollow, resentful and broken given the compromises you will have to make.

So no free house = he deserts his children.

Unforgivable.

Anyone who threatens to leave his kids if you leave him is not a good man. There is something emotionally amiss. He’s a nasty piece of work

Could you imagine your father ever doing/saying something like that? That he’d abandon you if your mother didn’t do what he wanted?

You sound kind and organised, he doesn't. Honestly when you are 30 you will not look back and think you've missed the love of your life there. You'll look back and think thank bloody goodness you got away from a difficult and messy situation.

Sometimes you've got to remember that other people's messes are not your responsibility to clear up. You can just walk away from this.

This screams INCOMPATIBLE.

He's manipulating and using you, trying to guilt you and acts cold and hard towards you , not loving and caring about your feelings. He's not even that bothered about his kids if he's prepared to move away.

Another vote for getting him out.

@Debetswell. For Christs sake RTFT.
It is solely the OPs property. She paid the deposit, she pays the mortgage. It is in her name. She owns it Ffs.
Under NO circumstances should she leave.
The only thing that you almost said right was that he is a cock lodger and it took you two messages to get that. As I said maybe next time you should RTFT.

[quote notthemum]@Debetswell. For Christs sake RTFT.
It is solely the OPs property. She paid the deposit, she pays the mortgage. It is in her name. She owns it Ffs.
Under NO circumstances should she leave.
The only thing that you almost said right was that he is a cock lodger and it took you two messages to get that. As I said maybe next time you should RTFT. [/quote]
Bit of an overreaction there, not - debetswell didn't tell OP to leave the house but the relationship. She can do that without leaving the house. Since she had already said the bloke is a cocklodger she clearly isn't telling the OP to leave him in the house.

@hilfehilfehilfe

What do your parents say about all this? I can't imagine they aren't urging you to break up with him.

You've said they're really wonderful parents so you must know they have your best interests at heart.

@AcrossthePond55 the Op’s mum has posted on this thread.

@hilfehilfehilfe listen. I get it. You meet someone, there’s the click, you think they’re the one. So many seemingly good things about them. You’ve made the commitment (cohabited) and there are little people involved who have made a connection with you and vice versa.

Out of everything you have posted the fact that this man has told you that he will move away and only see his children over holidays if you end this tells you everything you need to know about this man.

I get you have feelings for him. I get you think you can communicate through this and get through to him and make it work. I’ve read your mums post.
I’m sorry to say but this collaborative, open side of you is not ever going to work with this man. Why? Because he completely lacks the skill set you are trying to work with. You’re coming to the table ready to play table chess, he’s participating in WWF. And the person he’s repeatedly slam dunking into the mat is you.

He’s not going to communicate with you the way you wish. At best he lacks the skill set (and that’s my being generous), at worse he is an out and out bully, determined to pummel you into submission.

I understand it’s hard. You love him, and it’s hard to reconcile the person we can all see with the person you know.

But this man is damaged. And he will inflict that damage on you - the longer you stay, the more damage he will do.
His view of ‘love’ is clearly also very different to your view on love (and most of ours on here TBH). I’m sure he loves you (if you’re wondering), but his view of love has been VERY messed up somewhere along the way - it isn’t healthy, at all. It’s not your ‘fault’ you fell for this, people like this can initially be very charming, seductive. It takes a while for the true colours to show.

Nothing on this earth would make me leave my children. A relationship ending certainly wouldn’t. And those words would never leave my mouth. If they did, my only intent would be to hurt/ manipulate the person ok the receiving end to capitulating into what I am asking for.

This man is controlling you via his anger and words. The longer you stay, the more damage he will do.

Why can you not get him to move out? What’s the hold up?

OP I'm twice your age, and I've made mistakes in my life, as have many people. I was in a similar situation at your age. My advice to you is to walk away. You are young and financially dependent and have your life ahead of you. I know you love this man, and I know it's difficult, and you keep hoping things will change and are trying to find a solution. If it's this difficult already, it just won't work.

You have a loving and supportive family. They will help you. Keep looking forward.

Thank you for your replies.

I know it is frustrating to read that I haven't said "You're right - what a user! I turfed him out of the house and ran off into the sunset" when it is so clear to you all that it would be in my best interest to do so. Your words are not wasted, before this thread I probably would only have vented to my peers who would nod and say something along the lines of "that sounds like a lot" and then carried on down this path. Before this thread, I think I just thought of myself as the victim of his circumstance and there's nothing I can do but suck it up. I no longer think that. A friend told me there a victims of car accidents, and victims of fires and in all other matters only volunteers. I'm trying to bear this in mind.

When we ignore the problems and the kids are with their mum, we are great. It feels like we could do this. It makes me question everything I've written on here - is it really such a big deal? Which is why I said yesterday was a good day.

He is still so set on us being together forever and living in my house, as we are, until the debt is cleared and he's divorced etc. I am trying to prepare him for if/when I ask him to leave so it is less shocking and devastating to him. I know everything I've said here looks awful, but the man in front of me is still the handsome man who runs me hot baths when I'm ill and makes me laugh and tries to solve my problems. Until the thread it was completely unthinkable that it would end or that I would hurt him. Now I think it probably has to unless he can pull it out of the bag. I really don't know if he can. I don't know if he'd rather "feel" right without me than do what he needs to to be with me.

My parents will support me and help me whatever I decide. They too see the real-life DP with his good bits as well as the ugly stuff on his thread. I have always seen their marriage to be the ultimate partnership, with both of them working hard to look out for the other's best interests. So to them, within reason, it isn't inconceivable that I'd make some compromises for the right person because that's life. I don't know where they sit on the whether I should end the relationship at the moment.