How much do I owe his kids?

[hilfehilfehilfe]

I am 26. My partner is 32. He earns more than I do but not loads. We have been together since summer 2019. Was not the OW. He has 3 kids from his marriage and they are 5, 7 and 8. I met them Dec 20. I love him a lot but I am starting to feel trapped and unhappy and worried that this is just how my life is going to be forever now. DP is great, thoughtful, supportive and absolutely adores me.

He won't get divorced until his wife is settled with a new boyfriend and also wants to divorce. They never communicate so they would have to be very serious for DP to even have heard of his existence. He has done very little research about divorce and is overall just concerned about not being able to afford it. I am unhappy and ashamed of this and have told him so.

He has a large amount of debt (~£15k) that he is paying off in the agreed installments. He has done no research or work to look into paying this off faster.

He doesn't parent as I would want to. I do not want children so this is not as big an issue as it might be. I think he wants a blended family with me taking on more of a step mum role. I feel they have an amazing mum already and him, they do not need a third parent and I am just a nice, safe adult they know well. He resents my attitude on this.

I own and pay for our house entirely by myself. His contribution is he buys 2/3s(ish) of our groceries as he is meant to be clearing his debt. He is currently in a good financial position (i.e. not going into his overdraft each month and living within his paycheque but not able to save etc.). We moved in together into this house May 21. I resent that I bought this house and pay for it alone in order to protect myself in the event of the relationship not working out - but now it isn't really working for me I don't feel like I can ask him to move out as it would completely uproot his life and the childrens'.

I feel like I went from an individual person to a homeowner, breadwinner, provider and stepmum in the space of a few months. I don't think I want to break up but I do want to go back to being just an individual person in with my own space. I just don't know what I owe his children - their friends are on this street, their bedrooms are here. They love me, they love our life here and they are settled and very happy. I feel horribly guilty to even have wobbles about my relationship with their dad. I feel horrible about turfing DP out too and think it would damage our relationship perhaps fatally but I just feel like I'm suffocating and I need the situation to change. How do I do the right thing by the kids - can I say it's just him that moves out, and he can still have them here during his contact time?

Please help. What's fair of me to do. I don't want to hurt anyone but I can't remember the last time I was happy.

Please, please contact WA or another group for abused women. You badly need to talk this out with someone who understands and can explain to you exactly why what he is doing is wrong. It's no different that if he pushed you or hit you. Abuse is abuse

I agree, women's aid might be a really helpful resource for you.

I just feel so isolated and upset and hurt afterwards I want to resolve it and stop fighting. So we make up. And he's happy again.

This is literally the cycle of abuse.

You do something that challenges his power/control, he punishes you, you submit to try and get him to stop hurting you, he rewards you until the next time you challenge his power...

In the nicest way possible there is almost no point in you writing all this out or in reading it because you are just saying and doing the same thing over and over again, going around and around in a circle.

"He is abusing me. I wish it would stop. I just want him to love me. He says it's my fault so it must be. I am trying to be more obedient so that he will love me."

I think, if you were honest with yourself, all of the rumination and discussions all boil down to these two points from your post:

• I so desperately wanted him to be with me and to fight for us by communicating and reassuring me.

• I have no idea how I'd break up. I'd really struggle

You're not writing these posts or initiating these talks with him because there is anything here that can be salvaged or fixed - or that is worth saving. You are doing it because you want the reality to magically disappear and be replaced with a non-abusive partner who loves you, and you don't know how to exit the relationship.

"If I keep giving him chances eventually he will become the partner I wish I had."

So, firstly, you have to accept within yourself that this is not a loving partner, this is not a healthy loving relationship, and no matter what you do that will never change. If you are only doing things to try and get him to transform into something else, you are wasting your time.

Writing out endless analysis of the same thing is not going to give you the magic powers to transform him into what you wish this was. Pouring your energy into that keeps you stuck because it means you don't have the energy for the things you need to be doing.

Secondly, if having support with you to exit this relationship is what enables you to take that step, then that's what you do. If you trust your mum, would she be with you? It will be painful however you do it - there is no magical perfect way where it won't hurt. But critically that pain will be short term not forever. Staying in this is permanent long term pain.

Digging in and staying stuck to try and avoid short term discomfort will damage you. It is not wise.

Instead of continuing to analyse and debate the immovable reality that he is abusive and this relationship is toxic, focus your efforts and the support you seek on exiting it and rebuilding afterwards. Formulating a plan and some kind of goal or vision for the future after him will give you strength and hope.

Once you take control of doing that you will start to feel better. A large part of what is fuelling your fear and distress right now is coming from the absence of control - you can change that, but you have to do so deliberately.

It is your choice and you have the power to decide to exit this relationship. My post is not written from the perspective of frustration with you - this is your life not mine and these are not my choices to make - but simply out of a desire to help you find the tools and strength you need to take back control of your life so you can be happy and healthy.

@StarshipsAreMeantToFly

Please, please contact WA or another group for abused women. You badly need to talk this out with someone who understands and can explain to you exactly why what he is doing is wrong. It's no different that if he pushed you or hit you. Abuse is abuse

I agree, women's aid might be a really helpful resource for you.

Agree. I was going to mention Freedom Programme too.

I really think it would help give you a sense of what a healthy, loving relationship would have looked like, which will help you process what has happened and build a happier life after this.

Letting go of the idea that "abuser = monster" will also help you step out of the fog.

Thank you for your comments. Thank you.

As I was writing the latest post, I knew what it read like. That I was just going round again. It is entirely fair to say I wanted to go through it again in the hope that he would become the person I thought and wished he was. I won't be doing that again - from his perspective it isn't fair, and from my perspective it just hurts.

If I don't think about him, I feel like ending the relationship would be (running analogy, bear with) the feeling of running up a steep hill and then when the hill levels off the feeling that you're running so fast and so easily. As soon as I think about him, and our past good times I just feel guilty and horrible. We really were amazing. I thought it was the real thing. I think perhaps we were, but he got too comfortable/set in his ways/stopped appreciating what I give and feeling he is entitled to it instead of it being something I choose to gift him. Or maybe I just always did what he wanted.

As always. Thank you. You don't know the difference you've made.

Quit the guilt, there, missy! I've got my mummy hat on now. You have NOTHING to feel guilty about.

Keep checking in. Sending an unMNetty hug xx

Op, it's a massive learning curve you are on, we all have to learn to be conscious in our lives and alert to those who feel entitled to a place in it. But much like Dorothy, the power to change is always in your hands - you just have to listen to your own needs and wants and put them first, no matter what some chap tells you. Hard, grown up shit is hard but it's always worth it - freedom is on the other side of your pain.

You are treating him with kindness and love. He is not reciprocating and is contemptuous of you. Don’t stay with this man just because he was nice to start with. He is sucking the life force from you

Wishing you all the best OP as you journey through this

@hilfehilfehilfe I have a daughter just slightly younger than you. Like you, sweet, open, hard working & wants to see the best in everyone. And like you she has her parents firmly behind her.

You are an adult and it is up to you to make your own decisions. BUT please remember your mum & dad have your best interests at heart & want you to be happy. They will be there for you.
Do what will make YOU happy in the long term.

(He is daring you to call his bluff by saying if he moves out he is not coming back.
I would say to my daughter - Marvellous. He can go).

OP this sounds just like my first marriage and I wasn't that much older than you then.

I was a financially stable professional with no kids and an early stages career. I fell for a man 10 years older than me who on reflection coerced me in very financially abused me and totally cocklodged in my life.

After his second affair I saw red, I spent a year very patiently through gritted teeth making my escape plan and came home one night and told him we were breaking up. It took a further year to break all ties because he was a total dick about it and even when I moved out and bought another property he turned up on my doorstep threatening to kill himself.

He then spent the next 3 years giving it the bleeding heart routine that his power hungry wife had left him for her job and ruthlessly trashed all the lovely plans they made together. Eve naturally he met some other poor sap and left me alone and moved halfway across the country try with her.

My point is this: the truth of it was that he was a serial liar and cheat. He had 1 affair that I caught him on, 2 women I found him sexting and he racked up colossal amounts of debt even whilst we were pretty financially comfortable if you reflect on most people's circumstances. I discovered twice while we were together that he had secretly amassed in excess of £15k on credit cards. I still to this day don't know how it happened or what it went on but we were together for 7 years and still I was none the wiser:

I'm not suggesting for one moment that your partner is cheating on you but there is a very familiar and secretive picture building here for you.

I left my ex husband with his pension intact and the money we'd been putting into savings (my future property investment because I didn't have a pension) was used to pay off his second credit card debt before I left the building because he convinced me to.

And THEN he told everyone I was the bad guy.

You can't win with people like this. No matter how gently you back away they will find a way to play the victim. My advice is to get out sooner rather than later because at the very least it will cost you less. Your reputation will be trampled on by him to anyone who wants to listen regardless.

Good luck OP with whatever you choose to do.
If it was me / my best friend/ sister I would advise to break up with him. He's slowly showing you his true colours. He was all nice &
Loving whilst you supported him financially/ mentally etc. Now that you're voicing your concerns he threatens with " if I leave I'm not coming back" basically translates as - you stop supporting me then I'm out. He's using you for what you have to offer
You sound like a great catch for any guy! You can afford to be picky with men! You would easily find someone better. Someone who doesn't come with all the baggage such as ex wives/ debt etc. Don't waste your youth on a leech ( sorry to call him that) but that's what he is. Take care of yourself xx

It's so common to get swept up in the excitement at the start of a relationship, never mind during a pandemic. At least you are being honest - all relationships need to be a team effort, you're telling him what you need, you're not expecting him to be a mind reader. It seems like you have a growth mindset (wanting to work together towards a better future) and his is fixed (this is who I am, I do things my way). Maybe your values are mismatched too, but if you have different mindsets then you'll both be frustrated and he's likely to retreat into childish behaviour.
Back to your original question, you're like a teacher who the kids had for a year. You all enjoyed some nice times together but you're not their parent, you can be a lovely special memory for them.

Cheer up OP, you are financially independent, young, no dependants and you are starting to realise that life can(will!) be better without this man upsetting you all the time. He openly told you he doesn't want to get divorced. It really is enough. Relationship should be easy. Relationship should bring positive emotions into your life, not making you feel miserable, questioning your every word. If a man doesn't care about you feeling happy, secure, satisfied then he is not the right man.
Whatever time line you have.. Just get on with that. You will feel enormous relief after.

Having read the thread I echo everyone else really. He needs to go. He seriously seriously needs to go for all the reasons already stated.

You can do so much better.

Your "life event reasons" for not kicking him out now are likely a red herring. I know you think it's important but in reality there is nothing stopping you from ripping the plaster off sooner rather than later. In fact the sooner you do it, the sooner you will heal and feel better. Dragging all this out helps no one, least of all you. He's shown his true colours - you are not his priority. You need to make YOU your own priority.

He said "if I move out, I ain't coming back."

Great, take him at his word @hilfehilfehilfe. He's using these words to manipulate you into falling back in line. He seems to think he is a prize catch, but he really isn't, far from it in fact.

You're not going to get to a point where you feel strong enough to leave him overnight, but you will get there, so plan your exit at your own pace. You wouldn't have posted initially on MN if you thought this situation was brilliant, and DM's and DSM's have all united behind you to support your feeling that this situation is awful.

Just through your responses on this thread I can see the scales falling from your eyes in that you're expecting him to behave like the loving partner you thought he was, but instead he is contemptuous, belligerent and disrespectful. No one wants that in their life, and eventually you will be able to move on.

In terms of who will be there with you...your mum will! I saw she posted on here earlier, and it's lovely you have such good support in real life.

When men don’t want to divorce their ex wives it’s because they don’t want to marry again.

Don’t waste your 20s supporting this cock lodger OP. Rip the bandaid off and tell him it’s over.

You won’t die from his coldness, get your lovely mum to come and help pack his things.

Oh OP, I'm so saddened to read your last two updates. He is SELFISH. What about YOU?
I hope your life event goes ok/is good/isn't bad and that you are soon able to focus on a new life for yourself without him. You can do so much better and have so much fun.
I didn't meet now DH until 34 or have kids until 39. You have SO MUCH life ahead but are so burdened already. Time to put yourself first!

He only wants you on his terms OP.

Give up on him, tell him a date to be out by.

I can't believe he thinks he can solve these issues by bullying you like this. You didn't sign your life away when you told him to bring his furniture in and make himself at home. Does he think he can hold you to that forever? That's incredibly emotionally inept.

Sorry dude, that's not how it works. You're allowed to feel differently than you thought you would. You're allowed to be disappointed. You're allowed to change your mind. You're allowed to break up with someone no matter what you said or agreed to early in the relationship.

He doesn't want a relationship where your needs matter as well, or where he has to earn his keep. That's why he's not invested in working things out with you. In his mind it really is -'keep doing what I want' because he only wants that kind of relationship. To him, you asking to be considered is the same as suggesting a breakup because that's not the relationship he wants.

What prick

@legoriakelne - that is a stonking, insightful & compassionate post.

OP, & @hilfehilfehilfe - I have made similarly strongly-worded posts on your thread. None of this is because people are 'disappointed' in you. Many of us can see ourselves, in our 20's, being taken up & controlled by men like these, & we simply want you to not waste your precious youth, freedom, & happiness on chasing a mirage.

I also know, no matter how carefully any PP words their advice & support here, how devastating it is to read. You need time to process. You need to look after yourself, & you need to keep visualising the life you can have when you no longer have this constant drain, negativity, & undermining in it.

Please spend as much time as you can with your mum. xx

Can't you see as clear as day, he doesn't want to marry you? He's very happy living in your house with minimal contributions. Fucking hell he doesn't even have to get engaged, he just throws you a few crumbs to shut you up now and again.

I wish you could see how much contempt he is showing you.

If you believe in fate, why would fate be so cruel as to land you with this man, with three kids and still very happy to be married to his ex wife? What if fate is trying to teach you to know your own worth, and how to not settle for 6th best after him, his wife and his kids?

You will never, ever come first with him. Ever. He won't even put you above his ex. Don't you think you deserve more? What would you tell a friend if she told you that?

You are SUCH a catch compared to him though! You might think he's really special but honestly - he's not. He's just a man, a bog standard man and he's a selfish one to boot.

As soon as I think about him, and our past good times I just feel guilty and horrible. We really were amazing. I thought it was the real thing. I think perhaps we were, but he got too comfortable/set in his ways/stopped appreciating what I give and feeling he is entitled to it instead of it being something I choose to gift him. Or maybe I just always did what he wanted.

My dear, have you yet considered that the strength & quality of so many of the responses you have had here also highlights the depth of recognition & horror that PP who have endured & then survived a similar relationship indicates?

When you feel up to it, here's another link.
It will show you what those early "good times" were about.
You still get those "good times" feelings now & then, don't you?
When you are not being a bad girl & challenging his control. But they are getting further & fewer between, aren't they?

www.healthyplace.com/blogs/verbal-abuse-relationships/2018/5/love-bombing-gaslighting-abuse

Take your time OP.
Just stay true to yourself, hold on to your mum xx

Now that you're voicing your concerns he threatens with " if I leave I'm not coming back" basically translates as - you stop supporting me then I'm out. He's using you for what you have to offer

Brutal & true.
I am so sorry how much this hurts OP.

But you are already an amazingly together young woman, & your potential is sky-high. Do not settle for your own misery just to give this guy a free ride.

OP don’t look back at the early days of your relationship when everything was wonderful. That’s not who he is and many women get stuck wanting their relationship to be the same as when they first met.

You have to realise people can’t hide who they are forever and when living together you find out what he is really like.

Don’t waste years pining for the past good times, they are not coming back.

Read your updates OP

So the good times can be true as they are just that, a single still photo in time, a perspective as it were, those photos only show a very brief picture of what's going on and won't show everything. Things will be out of shot and view mostly on purpose. One of the parties had a lot of incentives to make sure it was the best of times, keep certain things hidden and to say exactly what you wanted to hear.

It's not naive to think the best in people, and that's why love bombing is so deceptive and cruel it plays on this.
Can you imagine if your DP lead with all this stuff now you would run for the hills.

You can have some amazing times and still find out that DP is a lemon and it's ok to say actually I want good times good prepotion of the time and those good times don't dictate or tie me anyway morally or emotionally otherwise to known misery going forward.