Page 5 | Going on holiday

LuckyGrace · 2021-08-26T09:23:53+00:00

We can never afford to go away during the school holidays all of us together. We have one DC under school age and my husband has 2 older DC. Are we unreasonable to go away when DSC are away with their mother? The past few years we have done this, when we know when DSC go away, we will book something for the same week so contact isn't affected.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2021 17:12

I am not sure a father of 3 who is prepared to take family holidays with one child ‘cares’ all that much, really. Why not downgrade the holiday? If 5 star, 3 star? If 3 star, 1 star? If a cottage, camping? If mum only took one child because that’s all that she could afford, you can bet dad and step mum would have something to say about it!

Because neither dad nor step mum wants to go on a 1 star holiday, or take the toddler on one, presumably.

Getawaywithit · 26/08/2021 17:17

Because neither dad nor step mum wants to go on a 1 star holiday, or take the toddler on one, presumably

So how that impacts the other members of the family doesn’t matter?

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2021 17:23

@Getawaywithit

Because neither dad nor step mum wants to go on a 1 star holiday, or take the toddler on one, presumably

So how that impacts the other members of the family doesn’t matter?

It's hard to reason with someone when they have such a confrontational attitude on this.

Yes, it matters, but opinions differ on how much it needs to impact them if a holiday like this occurs some (not all) of the time. It is not a case of not caring if it impacts them profoundly, it's a case of not thinking it would/should, and weighing that up with the implications for all members of the family.

Youseethethingis · 26/08/2021 17:23

So how that impacts the other members of the family doesn’t matter?
Not if the other members of the family are going on a 5* 2 week extravaganza with mum, no.
It would be pretty shitty then turn round and say the other child should just have stayed at home to protect the others feelings.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 17:24

@Getawaywithit

Because neither dad nor step mum wants to go on a 1 star holiday, or take the toddler on one, presumably

So how that impacts the other members of the family doesn’t matter?

The DSD aren't going to enjoy a 1 star holiday if their mum has just taken them on a luxury holiday.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 17:26

@Getawaywithit

Because neither dad nor step mum wants to go on a 1 star holiday, or take the toddler on one, presumably

So how that impacts the other members of the family doesn’t matter?

And of course the other family members matter. Sometimes in families though some people are affected more than others by things and difficult decisions have to be made. We dont all live in a family where everyone can have everything.

bogoffmda · 26/08/2021 17:33

Have no issue with OP and her DP taking their joint child away on their own.

What goes on in the DSCs mothers house is irrelevant to what their DF does with them. DSCs mum may take them camping for a week as that is all she can afford and OP may go off to Spain / Barbados etc - the assumption on herre is that mum is doing luxury when it may be the reverse.

Either way Dad does not treat his children with his resources fairly

howtodealwithit · 26/08/2021 17:34

Where are the posts regarding luxury holidays, trips to Florida, enough maintenance from Dad for Mum to take them away? I must have missed them, however lots of PP's seem to have deciphered that from OP's first, and only post on this thread...

Youseethethingis · 26/08/2021 17:38

It's not an assumption, it's an example, like all the other examples that also aren't detailed in the OP but are nevertheless being explored in this discussion.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 17:47

@howtodealwithit

Where are the posts regarding luxury holidays, trips to Florida, enough maintenance from Dad for Mum to take them away? I must have missed them, however lots of PP's seem to have deciphered that from OP's first, and only post on this thread...

We don't know the details. So are discussing general views on holidays.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 17:48

Either way Dad does not treat his children with his resources fairly we don't know that. We have no idea what dad pays for and what OP is paying for in regards to this holiday.

aSofaNearYou · 26/08/2021 17:49

And of course the other family members matter. Sometimes in families though some people are affected more than others by things and difficult decisions have to be made. We dont all live in a family where everyone can have everything.

Agree with this. I think there's a strong tendency on here to catastrophize anything that could be seen as unfair, whereas in reality most people (especially when they're not that well off) just muddle along trying their best for everyone, and sometimes one person or another might miss out, but it was the best solution available.

Of course, some people are just arseholes and will go on 5 star cruises every year and never include their SC, but they're an entirely different breed, really.

TwinsandTrifle · 26/08/2021 18:06

So if the children ask, why is daddy taking a holiday that costs £10k (because resident child has passed on that info) to Disney and not taking us, what do you suggest mum says?! I know that’s exaggerating but where is the line?

No, you're not exaggerating. You're putting the complete reverse on making a complete non point

If they had £10k to spend on a holiday, the SC would be coming. The whole point is they can't afford a holiday for 5 in non term time. But the mother can afford a holiday for 3. And the father can afford a holiday for 3. And all 6 people get one holiday.

The mother is going regardless. The SC are going with her regardless. They don't lose their one and only holiday. But OP, her husband and child should, so the SC don't feel upset that they don't get two.

To make your point any kind of valid, you have to create such extreme circumstances as one child being lavished with a £10k holiday and the other children deliberately omitted. Kind of says it all.

howtodealwithit · 26/08/2021 18:12

@TwinsandTrifle

So if the children ask, why is daddy taking a holiday that costs £10k (because resident child has passed on that info) to Disney and not taking us, what do you suggest mum says?! I know that’s exaggerating but where is the line?

No, you're not exaggerating. You're putting the complete reverse on making a complete non point

If they had £10k to spend on a holiday, the SC would be coming. The whole point is they can't afford a holiday for 5 in non term time. But the mother can afford a holiday for 3. And the father can afford a holiday for 3. And all 6 people get one holiday.

The mother is going regardless. The SC are going with her regardless. They don't lose their one and only holiday. But OP, her husband and child should, so the SC don't feel upset that they don't get two.

To make your point any kind of valid, you have to create such extreme circumstances as one child being lavished with a £10k holiday and the other children deliberately omitted. Kind of says it all.

Erm, a bit like the posters who have decided that the SC go on luxury, trips to Florida etc holidays to justify their point? Does that say a lot too?

The posters may just be giving examples, but why is it ok for those examples to be extreme but unreasonable for others?

Reallyreallyborednow · 26/08/2021 18:19

Either way Dad does not treat his children with his resources fairly we don't know that. We have no idea what dad pays for and what OP is paying for in regards to this holiday

Exactly. I am the higher earner. My earnings enable dh to pay a decent amount of CM, and spend reasonable amounts on his kids when they stay, and paying for hobbies etc.

We go on holiday every couple of years, and I pay. I pay for me, my kids, and dh. However I cannot afford to pay for another 2 kids. Even 1 star camping it doubles the price as we need 2 cars, 2 rooms/caravans/tents etc.

So what do we do? Not go? Leave dh at home? Sdc’s mum and her new dh (he was the OM, nothing to do with me, before anyone asks) take them abroad AI twice a year. They also holiday without the kids quite frequently.

If dh isn’t paying for any part of the holiday is it still unfair for him to go? Their mum goes on holiday without them after all.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 26/08/2021 18:22

If dh isn’t paying for any part of the holiday is it still unfair for him to go? Their mum goes on holiday without them after all

Doesn’t matter who is paying for it, leaving some children and taking others is unfair. Their mother going away without them presumably isn’t taking other children with her.

Youseethethingis · 26/08/2021 18:30

Doesn’t matter who is paying for it, leaving some children and taking others is unfair. Their mother going away without them presumably isn’t taking other children with her
In this example the SM would not be paying for "other children" either, she would be paying for her DH and her children. So back to all being equal - each set of children going on one holiday paid for by their mother.

TwinsandTrifle · 26/08/2021 18:38

Erm, a bit like the posters who have decided that the SC go on luxury, trips to Florida etc holidays to justify their point? Does that say a lot too?

Erm no. It's using the information we have. The fact the mother can afford a holiday for them all in non term time means she's got more to spend on a holiday than they have. Maybe she's got a partner who pays for it all. Maybe she gets a lot of maintenance. Maybe she's got a high flying job. It makes perfect sense that it's more likely her holiday would be of a nice standard.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 18:41

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If dh isn’t paying for any part of the holiday is it still unfair for him to go? Their mum goes on holiday without them after all

Doesn’t matter who is paying for it, leaving some children and taking others is unfair. Their mother going away without them presumably isn’t taking other children with her.

I'm not paying for my DSC's holiday. You can't ve serious? Their dad pays or they don't go. I don't work so DSC can have two holidays!

TwinsandTrifle · 26/08/2021 18:44

Doesn’t matter who is paying for it, leaving some children and taking others is unfair. Their mother going away without them presumably isn’t taking other children with her

In this example the SM would not be paying for "other children" either, she would be paying for her DH and her children. So back to all being equal - each set of children going on one holiday paid for by their mother.

Yep. This bizarre idea that children with separated parents are entitled to two of everything or their step siblings must have nothing, creates far less well rounded children than those who learn that life doesn't revolve around them.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 18:47

If my DH can't afford to pay to take DSC away with us no way am I subsidising them.

Getawaywithit · 26/08/2021 19:01

The DSD aren't going to enjoy a 1 star holiday if their mum has just taken them on a luxury holiday

Children are able to understand that different people have different budgets and enjoy and be grateful regardless. At least, that is how I have tried to bring mine up.

If they had £10k to spend on a holiday, the SC would be coming. The whole point is they can't afford a holiday for 5 in non term time. But the mother can afford a holiday for 3. And the father can afford a holiday for 3. And all 6 people get one holiday

Well, there is a lack of info from the OP. A PP asked what if the family don’t want to downgrade the holiday a bit? For some people £10k is a cheap holiday, surely?

All 6 people may get a holiday but 2 children are omitted from a family holiday with one of their parents.

So back to all being equal - each set of children going on one holiday paid for by their mother

Depends how you look at it. One child gets a holiday with both parents. The other two get to spend time with mum only

This bizarre idea that children with separated parents are entitled to two of everything

The only entitlement a child has is to be treated fairly by their parents. That might mean missing out of stuff - trip to the park/picnic/cinema/theatre/ because some of the time they are with the other parent but that shouldn’t mean they miss out on all family activities all of the time. It’s not about having 2 holidays, it’s about spending quality time as a family.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 19:12

Depends how you look at it. One child gets a holiday with both parents. The other two get to spend time with mum only well mum can invite dad to their holiday then..

LittleMysSister · 26/08/2021 19:13

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

If dh isn’t paying for any part of the holiday is it still unfair for him to go? Their mum goes on holiday without them after all

Doesn’t matter who is paying for it, leaving some children and taking others is unfair. Their mother going away without them presumably isn’t taking other children with her.

But they're not leaving them, because they are not there, and will be on holiday themselves?

I'd agree if SCs lived with OP FT and she was trying to palm them off on grandparents in order to not take them on holiday, but they are literally on another holiday themselves, not missing any time with their dad, and there is an easy explanation why - they have a much younger sibling so the holiday will be toddler activities, early dinners, and sitting in the hotel room/apartment quietly after about 7pm.

I would be interested to hear from OP why this has come up now if they have done this for the last couple of years. Wonder if something has been raised.

ChickpeaCrunch · 26/08/2021 19:14

If mum doesn't care enough about her kids spending time with both parents on holiday enough to invite dad on their holiday then why should the stepmum care about not inviting them?