Going on holiday

[LuckyGrace]

We can never afford to go away during the school holidays all of us together. We have one DC under school age and my husband has 2 older DC.

Are we unreasonable to go away when DSC are away with their mother? The past few years we have done this, when we know when DSC go away, we will book something for the same week so contact isn't affected.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

It would be good if their DF could afford to take everyone but if it isn't possible then the youngest shouldn't lose out

But it’s fine the older ones lose out by being left out of a holiday by their dad?
The younger one can always just go away with mum then they are all having the same, no holiday with dad and one each with their mum.

But that would be pointless when Dad could actually go. Leaving him behind because he can't afford to take the other 2 is mean to the young one.

It's what happens when families break up. The kids are used to him not being there.

You and your dc aren't unreasonable to go away when sc are with their mum.

But your h going away at the same time is unfair as he's taking financial advantage of his ex. In an ideal world sc would get to holiday with dad sometimes too which is the compromise imo

When you say go away I'm assuming a destination that is suitable for sc too. If you mean go to a pre-schooler destination like Peppa Pig World when the school are teens then absolutely go away with no guilt.

I don't think that equalizing the number of holidays that the kids have is he goal here. Sometimes kids with split parents get 2 birthday cakes or 2 Xmas dinners and that's obviously expected. I don't think that the kids need holidays with both parents every year but it would be ideal with the sc to get a holiday some years or a weekend away so they have memories of time away with their dad too.

The younger ones shouldn't miss out on what the older ones are getting (a holiday). It will lead to resentment.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

It would be good if their DF could afford to take everyone but if it isn't possible then the youngest shouldn't lose out

But it’s fine the older ones lose out by being left out of a holiday by their dad?
The younger one can always just go away with mum then they are all having the same, no holiday with dad and one each with their mum.

I am not sure it would even solve the problem if OP (or anyone in her position) just took her children on her own because it's still their sibling getting a holiday and not them?

I'd actually wonder if it might even be construed by the SCs as worse? Because then it's their stepmum visibly differentiating for her own child, whereas they likely have a much stronger bond with their dad and confidence that he loves them.

It is a difficult situation and there isn't an easy answer. I guess it also depends on the relationships at play too. If you know your SCs already worry about being 'replaced' or feeling left out then it's not a course you could take. Whereas if your SCs are more secure and would rather any holiday including a toddler happened without them then it's more of an option for your family.

The younger one can always just go away with mum then they are all having the same, no holiday with dad and one each with their mum
The younger ones can always live in the house with mum, then they are all having the same, nobody lives with dad (he's living in the shed) and a home each with mum.

Can't you see how preposterous that line of argument is? "Let's all just pretend that the second family has broken up too, but still only bother about the old kids because for them it's true but for the younger ones it's only a pretence we need to keep up because feelings"

I don't think that equalizing the number of holidays that the kids have is he goal here. Sometimes kids with split parents get 2 birthday cakes or 2 Xmas dinners and that's obviously expected my DSC moaned about having to do Xmas Dinner twice. They just want to be like their friends and have one Christmas dinner not one Christmas dinner and a weird sort of fake Christmas dinner.

Why is the child of the 2nd marriage expected to pretend their mum is seperated from their dad too?! WTF. As if it wasn't hard enough for them to get their head around the stepsibling thing

Of course it's fine. As long as all the children are getting a holiday with one of their parents it's fine. Your children shouldn't miss out on an annual holiday so their siblings get two! That makes no sense.

And I am the parent of one of the "older children"!!

@AllTheSingleLadiess

You and your dc aren't unreasonable to go away when sc are with their mum.

But your h going away at the same time is unfair as he's taking financial advantage of his ex. In an ideal world sc would get to holiday with dad sometimes too which is the compromise imo

When you say go away I'm assuming a destination that is suitable for sc too. If you mean go to a pre-schooler destination like Peppa Pig World when the school are teens then absolutely go away with no guilt.

I don't think that equalizing the number of holidays that the kids have is he goal here. Sometimes kids with split parents get 2 birthday cakes or 2 Xmas dinners and that's obviously expected. I don't think that the kids need holidays with both parents every year but it would be ideal with the sc to get a holiday some years or a weekend away so they have memories of time away with their dad too.

In what sense is he taking financial advantage of his ex? She is just taking her own children on holiday and presumably would do so regardless of whether he also was or not?

My DP and his ex both take their kids on holiday separately, because they want to. Not because somebody has to so they take turns.

@ChickpeaCrunch

I don't think that equalizing the number of holidays that the kids have is he goal here. Sometimes kids with split parents get 2 birthday cakes or 2 Xmas dinners and that's obviously expected my DSC moaned about having to do Xmas Dinner twice. They just want to be like their friends and have one Christmas dinner not one Christmas dinner and a weird sort of fake Christmas dinner.

Yes my SD has cried over birthday celebrations with DP's family before because it wasn't her birthday anymore. I think it can be a bit overwhelming when they are little.

But you're still asking her to put a positive spin on something that really isn't positive. He needs to explain it.

No no. Just asking her to tell the truth instead of make up bitter lies like "daddy has money to spend on Fred, and none for you"

If the mother is incapable of telling the children the truth, which quite simply is that their school ages now make their holidays far more expensive, and dad can't afford it, which is neither positive or negative, it's fact then she can keep quiet with the lies that she feeds them as if he's doing it out of malice.

How do you protect the feelings of a child left out of a 'family' holiday?!

See above. And the fact that they are already going on a family holiday with their mother.

How do you protect the feelings of the little child? "You can't have a holiday at all because the other children won't get two".....
"But, Mummy, they already get one?"
"Yes that's right, but they have to get two or you can't go. Their mummy will tell them it's because daddy only cares about spending money on you if they don't come, and we can't afford that"

The bitterness is so visible.

@LittleMysSister , it takes advantage when it puts pressure on the resident parent to be the only one to provide holidays otherwise the children wouldn't get one. Someone said up thread that the fathers maintenance should help to pay, what if it doesn't? Why is it just up to Mum to make sure the children get a holiday?

In what sense is he taking financial advantage of his ex?
He is using her ability to take them away as an excuse not to provide a holiday for the older two.

It would be a shame for the older children to never holiday with their dad

[quote howtodealwithit]@LittleMysSister , it takes advantage when it puts pressure on the resident parent to be the only one to provide holidays otherwise the children wouldn't get one. Someone said up thread that the fathers maintenance should help to pay, what if it doesn't? Why is it just up to Mum to make sure the children get a holiday? [/quote]
If you read back the comments you'll notice almost nobody has said to just never take them. It's just sometimes the sensible solution, depending on circumstances. In this circumstance, it obviously wouldn't be the sensible thing to do.

Why is the child of the 2nd marriage expected to pretend their mum is seperated from their dad too?!

The kind of woman who expects this, is pretty much the poster child for why a first wife, is no longer the wife. I can't imagine being married to someone capable of such bitterness for very long.

It's not a bad thing for them to hear. It's not because their dad doesn't care. It's because they are restricted to only go on the weeks that cost too much for Dad to take 3 children with him

I am not sure a father of 3 who is prepared to take family holidays with one child ‘cares’ all that much, really. Why not downgrade the holiday? If 5 star, 3 star? If 3 star, 1 star? If a cottage, camping? If mum only took one child because that’s all that she could afford, you can bet dad and step mum would have something to say about it!

daddy's got money for them, not you

So if the children ask, why is daddy taking a holiday that costs £10k (because resident child has passed on that info) to Disney and not taking us, what do you suggest mum says?! I know that’s exaggerating but where is the line?

And I can only speak for my children but when little, they really don’t understand money, just the inclusion/exclusion issue, only being ‘family’ some of the time, not getting to spend quality time with dad. They get how it makes them feel, not practicalities. Words don’t mean much then.

You can sure tell who's a first wife on this thread. And no wonder!

So we can’t have a discussion without personal slights? Can’t see things from a different perspective without something personal being said?

*She is just taking her own children on holiday and presumably would do so regardless of whether he also was or not?

My DP and his ex both take their kids on holiday separately, because they want to. Not because somebody has to so they take turns.*

I agree that divorced parents should do their own thing and provide what they want. My ex and I do that too.

Saying that the older two never need holidays with dad because mum provides them annually is taking taking convenient advantage of mum.

[quote howtodealwithit]@LittleMysSister , it takes advantage when it puts pressure on the resident parent to be the only one to provide holidays otherwise the children wouldn't get one. Someone said up thread that the fathers maintenance should help to pay, what if it doesn't? Why is it just up to Mum to make sure the children get a holiday? [/quote]
It isn't, but I'd say most parents want to have a holiday with their kids where possible. I feel like a lot of comments are here are based around providing the children (both sets) with experiences, rather than that adults also need a holiday from time to time and that's a driver in going away.

Obviously we don't know the situation in OP's case, but as I said, in mine & others I know, both parents take their children away because they want to and because they can, not because it's something anyone needs to do and if one doesn't it has to be picked up by the other side. Plenty of families don't ever go on holiday and just do days out etc. I don't think not taking your children on holiday automatically puts pressure on your ex to do it.

At the end of the day, it's 2 separate homes and families and their choices are often unrelated.

@AllTheSingleLadiess

*She is just taking her own children on holiday and presumably would do so regardless of whether he also was or not?

My DP and his ex both take their kids on holiday separately, because they want to. Not because somebody has to so they take turns.*

I agree that divorced parents should do their own thing and provide what they want. My ex and I do that too.

Saying that the older two never need holidays with dad because mum provides them annually is taking taking convenient advantage of mum.

But nobody has said that though. No one has said it's fine for dad to never take them because mum does.

But just that sometimes it works out better for everyone to take that opportunity, particularly if there is a pre-school aged child involved so you could take the chance to go in term-time for just a couple of years.

I don't think it's acceptable for a dad or mum to leave their children out of all holidays purely because the other takes them. But I think sometimes it's OK to do things separately.

Why is assumed that dad is paying for OP's child? If she works it can be her money that pays for it. Then the ex can't get shitty about it.

@TwinsandTrifle

Why is the child of the 2nd marriage expected to pretend their mum is seperated from their dad too?!

The kind of woman who expects this, is pretty much the poster child for why a first wife, is no longer the wife. I can't imagine being married to someone capable of such bitterness for very long.

It's such a horrible attitude to have.. if my kid's dad can't take them on holiday why should his other kid get a holiday?

@ChickpeaCrunch

Why is assumed that dad is paying for OP's child? If she works it can be her money that pays for it. Then the ex can't get shitty about it.

Exactly a point when it's none of anyone's business but the OP. Her money, she does as she wants, anyone who thinks otherwise is being unreasonable IMO

if my kid's dad can't take them on holiday why should his other kid get a holiday?

Because his partner can choose to pay for him but not the children? Where is the limit of her responsibilities?

If my DSD's ex kicked up a fuss that we'd taken LO away with out them DH would probably point out that I can pay for who I want to come on holiday with us and also ask if she wants him to reduce his maintenance to the CMS rate so that he can save for DSD to come along next time.

@Getawaywithit

if my kid's dad can't take them on holiday why should his other kid get a holiday?

Because his partner can choose to pay for him but not the children? Where is the limit of her responsibilities?

I meant that was the horrible attitude sorry.