Going on holiday

[LuckyGrace]

We can never afford to go away during the school holidays all of us together. We have one DC under school age and my husband has 2 older DC.

Are we unreasonable to go away when DSC are away with their mother? The past few years we have done this, when we know when DSC go away, we will book something for the same week so contact isn't affected.

I think as long as it's not in school holidays AND during holiday times with their mother it makes it slightly better. Lots of bigger families cannot afford to go away on holiday, or have to camp or stay locally. If you make a habit of this this (holidaying yourself w/o the dsc) your DH is very much sending the message that he doesn't factor in his eldest two in his family times.

So in the last two years, you've managed to go away each year but never been able to take the older kids. So in essence, you could have gone away once every other, or every 3 years all together, but instead have chosen to not go with the SCs two or three years in a row.

I think that is quite bad, yes. Kids benefit from spending quality enjoyable time with both parents, and holidays are part of that.

Saying that, some kids won't care at all, but when that is the case, it is usually because their relationship with the other parent is not too great to start with.

Doing it one year, whilst going all away the following is absolutely fine. What will happen when your child starts school?

No it is not acceptable.

It is cold calculating and sneaky. It is irrelevant what the DCS do with their mother. It is about what their DF delivers to ALL his children. You and he can go on holiday with your joint DC on your own. What are you going to do when DC is in school - same argument.

Your DP needs to parent his DCS fair and equitably - there is no part of either in your current arrangement.

Where do you go , as that has a major bearing on what is or is not deemed affordable.

COI: My 2 never went on holiday with their DF because their DF could not afford to take SMs 2 DCs , joint DC and my 2 on holiday as too expensive. My then 9 yr old worked out, they could all have gone to Spain for a week, rather than 5 of them going to Barbados for 10 days! Kids do notice.

Your husband has three children, when does he intend to spend the time and money for his older ones?

I have several age dc. We don't always go away together... Meeting the needs of the individual dc is important also.
Can't imagine teens enjoying Peppa Pig world (alter to suit!)
Should toddler miss out?
Dsc get a holiday for their needs with their dm. Your dc should too.

I think it's totally fine, they are on holiday too! You may as well take the opportunity to go now as your children will be in school soon enough and you'll never get the opportunity to go away if money is tight.

I would definitely do this - there won't be a better time than when they're already away and tbh if you're worried you don't even need to tell them you've been.

It’s absolutely fine.

Yes, of course it's fine OP.

Those poor children having to suffer on holiday with their own mother while you "sneak" away

It's MN. It's the step parenting board. Your children should go away once every 5 years, just so you can take their step siblings, who go every year with their mother anyway. Your children may go without repeatedly, as long as the children from the mother who became pregnant first, never miss a single thing.

It matters not. Yours are mere subsequent children, who must always work around the first, important ones. They must have at least two holidays a year because your child must never ever get anything that they don't. Ignore the fact they're on a beach in the Greek Islands with their mum the week before. They may have many things that your child doesn't, it's just yours that can't have anything if they don't get it too, irrespective of whether they even need it.

Now, go and sit in the corner, Cruella.

@lunar1

Your husband has three children, when does he intend to spend the time and money for his older ones?

I can't speak for LuckyGrace, but if this were me....the majority of time we have my DP's children revolves entirely around them and their enjoyment, since they are not always here.

A time when they're away having fun with their mum would be the perfect opportunity to do things that are more suited to a pre-school aged child without worrying about it not being enjoyable for the older 2.

I would 100% do this - if an explanation was needed, it would be "We decided to go during the week you're not here so we don't miss any time with you and we can also take little DS/DD to do some things you would find boring, like X, Y and Z".

If you make a habit of this this (holidaying yourself w/o the dsc) your DH is very much sending the message that he doesn't factor in his eldest two in his family times.

I agree with this. What they do with their mother has nothing to do with you. The key thing to think about, and what the children will remember growing up and as adults is, were they treated equally.

Does their father ever take them on holiday?

My exh wouldn't let me take our dc anywhere.. Should I not have taken the younger ones?

Does your DH take his older kids on separate holiday? I mean just him and his older kids?

If you make a habit of this this (holidaying yourself w/o the dsc) your DH is very much sending the message that he doesn't factor in his eldest two in his family times.

We don't have enough information to know this, at all.

A week's holiday does not comprise all 'family times'. It doesn't cancel out everything else they do together. If OP's family is anything like mine then they likely spend loads of time doing stuff together, do days out based around what the SCs enjoy, playing games that they enjoy, watching films that they enjoy, trips to the seaside etc etc. All through the year, every year.

Going on holiday without them the same week that they are already away would certainly not dictate the nature of our relationship or love for my SCs. It just gives everyone a chance to have a holiday, which OP's household wouldn't have without doing it this way.

If your husband subscribes to the notion that he should provide a family vacation for his children, then he needs to provide that option for all if his children.

Perhaps that means the family vacation is an every other year option and the money saved from the off year provides resources for the next year.

Choosing to take only 1 child says to the other children that he chose to have more children than he can afford to support in the manner that he thinks necessary to provide what he believes to be important family experiences , and he is opting to not provide that experience for his older children. Does he not think that the older children deserve to have their father present on their vacation? Why is his presence essential to the 1 child's experience vs that of the older children?

There is nothing that prevents you, much like the mom of his older children, from taking your child on a quick trip or holiday. You unlike the dad have only 1 child; he however has a family of 5.

Just so you're clear OP, if the your DC decides to take up rugby/archery/dancing, you must take all of the children to the same, and make them do it, lest your child has a penny or minute more spent on them than the others. It matters not that you've taken SDC to football the night before. That's just the bare minimum you should be doing for SDC. Again, it doesn't matter that they go to two other clubs with their own mother. They just have to come to everything your child might do.

It's that ridiculous on the step parenting boards.

When two people separate, two households are created. Two households will operate differently. You physically can't do exactly the same in one as as the other, some parents work and have less time. Some parents have less money. DC are of different ages and interests. So DC might holiday with mum once a year, whilst Dad does the weekly swimming lessons and judo classes. Your child should not suffer with nothing because they can't have two of everything. Quite simply, they're not entitled to two of everything because their parents aren't together, at the detriment of your child.

Enjoy your holiday.

It's not a popular opinion on here but I do think it's fine and a pretty normal, practical part of life for most people in this situation, at least until all the kids are in school and it becomes a level playing field cost and opportunity wise. People like to insist you must behave like you would in a non blended family but the truth is it's more complicated than that and there are different considerations, you have to do what works best for everybody, which will sometimes mean doing things a bit differently.

I think it's totally fine (& I speak as a dm). HOWEVER, your dh should make a point of doing some form of a break be it a weekend staycation or something more 'glamorous' alone, with his other dc.
Mine have minimal interest with doing family holidays with dad, sm & way younger siblings, but they do need that one on one break with their dad.

@Tiredoftattler

If your husband subscribes to the notion that he should provide a family vacation for his children, then he needs to provide that option for all if his children.

Perhaps that means the family vacation is an every other year option and the money saved from the off year provides resources for the next year.

Choosing to take only 1 child says to the other children that he chose to have more children than he can afford to support in the manner that he thinks necessary to provide what he believes to be important family experiences , and he is opting to not provide that experience for his older children. Does he not think that the older children deserve to have their father present on their vacation? Why is his presence essential to the 1 child's experience vs that of the older children?

There is nothing that prevents you, much like the mom of his older children, from taking your child on a quick trip or holiday. You unlike the dad have only 1 child; he however has a family of 5.

Disagree with all of this.

Not everything needs to revolve around the children - step or joint - at all times. OP and her DH should also be able to take the opportunity to do a holiday they can afford during the short period where their joint child is pre-school age and likely too young to leave with someone else for a significant period while they're away...soon enough that opportunity will be gone. Also their child does not have another opportunity for a holiday, which SCs do.

Does he not think that the older children deserve to have their father present on their vacation? Why is his presence essential to the 1 child's experience vs that of the older children?

But there is no vacation for them with him this year, whether this trip goes ahead or not? Also, again, why is it just about the child's experience? I can't imagine going away alone with a tiny child would be much of a holiday for OP, of course she would want her husband there...and where does that leave him? Just sitting at home for the sake of questionable 'fairness' while his older kids are on holiday and his wife is away trying to manage alone with a small child when there's no need?

I don't think it's unreasonable to do that.

I do think it's slightly unreasonable if you don't ever go with them though.

@aSofaNearYou

It's not a popular opinion on here but I do think it's fine and a pretty normal, practical part of life for most people in this situation, at least until all the kids are in school and it becomes a level playing field cost and opportunity wise. People like to insist you must behave like you would in a non blended family but the truth is it's more complicated than that and there are different considerations, you have to do what works best for everybody, which will sometimes mean doing things a bit differently.

100% agree.

It's easy to say everything should be 'equal' but things are already not equal because you have 2 children who get a holiday every year and one that won't ever get one under current circumstances. There are pros and cons to everything when it comes to blended families, and you have to find a balance where nobody is constantly missing out.

Some things are not forever and you have to make the best of your circumstances at the time.

@TwinsandTrifle

Activities that individual children choose to participate in are very different things from those activities designated And designed to be a collective family experience. Just as you would not expect any children to go on a parent only holiday, so too would you not design a family vacation for only 1 of your 3 children.

If you can only afford an every other year family vacation then that should be when you take the family vacation. In this situation as described the OP is taking a family vacation while her husband via leaving half of his family at home. In essence the father never takes his children on a family vacation.

That in my opinion is a pretty mean position for a father to support. Nothing prohibits the OP from taking her child on a trip. Clearly, she thinks that a trip with just your mom is sufficient for some children, so why would it not be sufficient for her child's family vacation?

Should they go on every holiday with you not necessarily however they should atleast have the opportunity to go on some holidays and make memories with their father absolutely. It's can't all be down to the dm otherwise they could grow resentful.

Also, from my own experience and from reading various threads on here and elsewhere, 9/10 times SCs tend to get way more spent on them, way more experiences and days out, way more gifts etc etc than any children born to their parents later on, just through the nature of having two households.

Not at all saying that things should be adjusted down for them based on this, but sometimes I think that has to be taken into account for things like considering whether to never take younger children on holiday so SCs don't miss out because you can't afford everyone, when in reality it's just a case of SCs having 1 vs 2 trips away.

Nothing prohibits the OP from taking her child on a trip. Clearly, she thinks that a trip with just your mom is sufficient for some children, so why would it not be sufficient for her child's family vacation?

Tatler, her SCs are clearly older and easier for mum to manage alone while still having a decent holiday herself. And that's if mum is even alone, and not going with a partner or other family members.

Surely you can see that is so different from OP taking what sounds like a toddler on 'holiday' alone?? That will not be a holiday for OP at all.

Does he not think that the older children deserve to have their father present on their vacation?

They'd best not go with their mum then. If he can't go anywhere without them because they deserve better. Oh, no, wait that's fine for them to go with just their mother. Because that's the only option when the parents are separated.

Why is his presence essential to the 1 child's experience vs that of the older children?

It's not essential. It's the only way that all three children get a holiday. One goes once. The other two go once. That's what is affordable to both families. The three children don't go on each occasion with the same parents because they don't have the same parents.

OPs family can't afford a non term time holiday for 5. The mother can afford one for 3. OP can afford one for 3. So the mother and two DC go away, and OP and her husband and DC go simultaneously.

Or, the absolute crap some are suggesting is: is OP can't afford a non term time holiday for 5. The mother can afford one for 3. So the mother and two DC go away. OP and her husband and their DC are not allowed to go away because it's not fair that the SDC have only had one holiday with their mum.

So, the SDC go away with their mum, or.....the SDC go away with their mum. Just OP should sit at home and deny her child going once unless she can pay for the SDC to get a second holiday. Get a grip.