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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
MzHz · 21/08/2021 10:19

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]**@toobusytothink

I'd recommend Transactional Analysis for your DP. Learning to recognize patterns of behaviour and make small changes to break out of those repeated situations that are so unhelpful. He needs this to cope with his ex, but it will take time to absorb. Also Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg, youtube) for both of you to work out your differences without unpleasant scenes.[/quote]
@toobusytothink is not his therapist. This is a relationship at the beginning and she doesn’t need therapy, she’s fine and her boundaries while a little thin, are there.

Notaroadrunner · 21/08/2021 10:20

@Happyd

I've always gone by that If you love someone , you love their children as half of them is the person you love .. and their so little how can you hate a 2yrs old
Well your theory is ridiculous. Kids can be the polar opposite to their parents. Would you love a partners drug dealing junkie abusive teen as much as your partner? And where on the thread has someone said they hate a 2 year old?
MzHz · 21/08/2021 10:22

@toobusytothink

You’re right. I’m terrified. Ironically I was able to end a 20 yr marriage because it had just died a death. Thought we both deserved better and the right to have the opportunity to be happier with someone else. Yet with bf I can’t seem to find the same strength because I still love him so much
You’re right you deserve better and this relationship is giving you a hint of what that looks like, but that’s a lesson for you, to know love and see how it feels, but he’s not the one.

You need to end this, learn from it and move on. The right person is out there don’t lose faith.

liveforsummer · 21/08/2021 10:22

@toobusytothink

He could - but he feels guilty doing so. And is nervous of his ex and what she would say
This is yet another thing that's just going to fester away then. He's dismissing perfectly legitimate options just to keep his ex happy. That will grate and be an ongoing problem. Does his ex really not work at any time when she has the dc? Or is he held to different standards?
Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 10:23

Well at the moment, while he’s saying how much he misses me, we’re not talking about seeing each other so maybe we will be able to go our separate ways quietly

OP posts:
ChipButties · 21/08/2021 10:23

Don’t get back together OP. You made the right choice. If you don’t think you can both walk away then you need to have a break. But these are his children and they should, rightly, be more important than you right now. Taking time apart is the right thing to do.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 10:24

@liveforsummer absolutely double standards. But it’s his issue. He needs to be stronger and stop feeling so guilty over everything in relation to his kids!

OP posts:
Notaroadrunner · 21/08/2021 10:34

@Chicchicchicchiclana

That's all over and done and dusted pretty quickly. Sounds like your relationship had very flimsy foundations. It's a shame you couldn't tolerate the love of your life's children for a few days.

Still, you'll know better for next time. Strictly non-parents only.

Feel better for getting a little dig in there? It's not about tolerating the kids for a few days. Her partner had started bringing them to her house, expecting her and her kids to entertain them on holiday, completely changing the dynamic of their relationship. Op does not want to be a step parent to young kids and that is all there is to it now. She loves her dp but in recent times he has pushed the boundaries a step too far and op is being honest and very brave in admitting that she's not prepared to take on a role in his kids lives. And that is to be admired. She is sacrificing her love for him now so that it doesn't end in tears for those kids later on down the line.
CirqueDeMorgue · 21/08/2021 10:47

@toobusytothink

Well at the moment, while he’s saying how much he misses me, we’re not talking about seeing each other so maybe we will be able to go our separate ways quietly
Just stop replying to his messages?
Brimorion · 21/08/2021 10:48

Genuinely, OP, this is the time to end this. I watched a former mature student of mine who let her genuine (and mutual) love for her boyfriend overcome the fact that their children neither meshed with one another nor with the other half of the couple. They got married and despite their undoubted love for one another as individuals, their children’s different ages, their divergent parenting styles and expectations etc meant their marriage was a slow, painful car crash for everyone involved.

CirqueDeMorgue · 21/08/2021 10:54

In fact, if he just agreed with you and said goodbye (as he should) and blocked you, you'd probably be pissed off, wouldn't you OP?

MzHz · 21/08/2021 10:55

@toobusytothink

He could - but he feels guilty doing so. And is nervous of his ex and what she would say
And there in lies the rub.

I did online dating for a few years, sometimes off and on after an abusive relationship with my ds dad

Each relationship taught ME something about myself

I had a relationship of a year with someone nice enough, bit bland. Kid a bit younger than mine, a complete drama hoover and pandered to. I knew I’d never live with them. His ex was awful too, piss poor boundaries and no routine. Relationship ended cos it wasn’t going to go anywhere but it taught me that relationships could work on a safe level.

Then there were others some I fell head over heels with, thought I’d found the golden ticket, but it was a flash burn as he was possibly bi-polar and found something in me/my ds he didn’t want and ended it. I was heartbroken, but it taught me how to feel love/loved- I never regained that intensity, but that was for the best because that wasn’t what I was supposed to learn from that relationship.

Other men would ignore my “I don’t want to meet your kid yet” or “I’m really ill, I am going to bed” and would try to trick me into meeting his kid (who sounded completely over indulged) and would call me and try and talk to me when all I was capable of was crawling up to bed

I stated my boundaries, he repeatedly ignored me, I ended it.

I then took a break and was firm on boundaries and that meant I’d end relationships for finding out he’d used prostitutes, for just not having a spark,

And then I found my now oh and it was then clear that learn lessons along the way and not to hold on to people that are not the right ones

Bananarama21 · 21/08/2021 10:57

Tbh op he doesn't sound like a great dad, I have a 5 year old and 8 year old myself and they know how to behave on the whole. The 5 year old used to be alot more challenging about 18months ago but we never gave him to tantrums and we certainly didn't give him sweets to shut him up. I'm shocked he was spoon feeding him ice cream.. they eat what is given to them I certainly don't go out of my way to adapt and pander to what they want. We took them away when the youngest was 4 and could be challenging and on the whole he sat lovely whilst we ate our meals.

You need to consider your dc and his, I think he will slowly creep his dc back into your lives. I don't blame you I could handle a child having a tantrum provided the parent didn't pander to them and parented them in the correct manner.

pommepommefrites · 21/08/2021 11:00

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beachcitygirl · 21/08/2021 11:02

Op. This is doable.
For now (foreseeable) you and him have fabulous city breaks together, you live in seperate houses, 5&7 are very young, in 2 years it will be much much easier.
Your kids will be at Uni. I'm not suggesting you live together then, but you will find days out etc much easier & once a year you do a holiday with him & his kids, & yours if they want & you grin & bear it for one week a year )it won't ever be as bad as it is now) this age is awful, my own were so annoying at that age.
This can definitely work, if you are both honest & set boundaries. Thanks

CirqueDeMorgue · 21/08/2021 11:03

@pommepommefrites

Why would she do that? She is enjoying the drama and ex-dp's desperate messages.
Yeah, I don't for a second think that OP wants to be without him. MN is full of fantasists who 'read between the lines.' He'll be just fine without OP and should block her imo. And she should either try being single for a bit or at least avoid men with young children.
Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 11:38

No I won’t block him because after 3 years yo don’t just shut someone down. You end things as nicely as possible with reasoning and care and respect

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/08/2021 11:42

Tbh op he doesn't sound like a great agreed
It is all very well blaming the ex on the DC's behaviour he is a parent too, he gave them sweets repeatedly on the holiday, gave in to tantrums, their DM wasn't there.
If the DC have no routine both parents are responsible.

CirqueDeMorgue · 21/08/2021 11:46

Actually, I said he should block you, OP. But I suspect you'd hate that. Hopefully he has a good think about it and makes the right decision for his kids which isn't begging you to reconsider.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 11:49

Yes I would hate it because I think I deserve respect too. I’ve admitted I’m conflicted and want him to make the difficult decision

OP posts:
WildfirePonie · 21/08/2021 11:50

I think that if you get back together on your terms he will slowly start to chip away at you.

He will be at home with his kids festering because he will feel that he is tied down to his kids whilst you have your teens are are fancy free, can do whatever you like whenever you please, whereas he can't. He won't be able to let that go, it will build resentment in his mind and he will start to make digs about how much free time you have.

For now I would block him so you can clear your mind and think clearly without him worming his way inside your brain like a worm with his texting.

CirqueDeMorgue · 21/08/2021 11:54

In that case, OP i don't think mumsnet is useful to you. You know him best and now you just have a load of posters falling over themselves to tell you how awful he is and he's 'grooming' you to be a nanny to his kids!? Despite you saying pretty much the opposite. I don't think the ultimate goal has to be moving in together either. You can maybe make it work. 🤷‍♀️

ChipButties · 21/08/2021 11:56

It’s so clear you’re going to go back. You can end this easily but you’re choosing not to, engaging in conversations with him. You’ll get back together and it’s his kids who will suffer. Children aren’t stupid, they will cob on.

In the beginning I thought he was a good father, but if he’s willing to engage in this charade then I’ve changed my mind. You’re both being selfish.

Zoezoo · 21/08/2021 12:18

I can't see why this is such a deal breaker to an otherwise perfect relationship if the two of you love each other so much? Every relationship requires compromise (very non joyous memories of sitting through long, cold rugby matches springing to mind!!). Can you not get together and make constructive plans that you would both be happy with? Maybe research activities/places that you could both take the kids to that would be more tolerable than having them in your home? You don't need to spend all of "his" time with the kids all together. Realise upfront that it is an issue and plan around it. Likewise, as has been pointed out, things should hopefully improve as they get older. It's not everyday that the perfect person comes along, so if you do feel like you're made for each other surely you can find a way?

KarenofSparta · 21/08/2021 12:27

I would never be with someone who actively disliked my DC at such a tender age. Teenagers can be a handful even for their actual parents but 5 & 7?

I wouldn't risk my children's happiness for a fairly new relationship no, I'm with your ex-bf on this one.