Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

[toobusytothink]

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

@toobusytothink

No I won’t block him because after 3 years yo don’t just shut someone down. You end things as nicely as possible with reasoning and care and respect

Ok, then do it.

Say you need space, that you’re not going to make any decisions and that you need to think

Tell him that the relationship as it was is over. He needs to respect you and give you the space to process this.

Well thanks a bunch @Oblomov21 your message has just been the one to finally break me and I’m now sitting here in floods because messaging him we are NOT getting back together and we are both bloody heartbroken and I have never felt this shit in my life

Not as shit as two very small children whose Dads partner can't be bothered with them. Not sure I hzve a lot of sympathy in this case.

Oh come on. We are 400+ posts in and everyone has been incredibly supportive to you.
But most would predict this only going one way?
What's the chances that it doesn't?

Oblomov21... How supremely arrogant are you about your precious time being wasted? Go and waste it on another thread if you think the OP is no longer worthy of your superior advice if you gave any.

toobusytothink, you've had far more support than snippy messages on your thread so try to focus on that rather than the few very odd posters, they stick out like sore thumbs.

Any decision you make is yours to make and nobody here should be snapping their fingers at you or haranguing you for making them.

@toobusytothink Heya, you're still struggling. It's ok. You don't have to do anything just because of strangers on the Internet. If you need time to think it through I'm sure he will give you space and time to work through your doubts and think if it's something you want to work through or not.

You have to go and live your life OP the way you want to. It is not impossible that your paths may cross in future and you be together. You are the same age and what you need to do now is go off and do those things he has already done. If eight is a lucky number then those lines will join up again, but if not then you will each find different paths. You cannot force a situation. Love is unconditional and you cannot shoe horn it in.

[quote toobusytothink]@ClaryFairchild I know!!!…. I just wish they were even just a couple of years older[/quote]
I think you need to be careful of that idea. You already know that their mother sets them no boundaries, and that your DP doesn't either. Because he wants to be liked by them, because he's afraid of what their mum might do (you've said he'd be afraid that their mum wouldn't like certain things).

I'd be seriously worried that they wouldn't improve as they got older, especially the little one. What if they turn on you and say the old 'you're not my mum, you can't tell me what to do'. What about when they get to the stroppy teenage stage, when as we see from posts here they drive their own parents to the limit?

You're saying now that you don't want to go through the stage of parenting small children, that you've done that and don't want to do it again. But that's because they're small children now so you're talking about the present. What about the future? Will you want do the teenage years again?

@Feedingthebirds1 thank you. I was having a massive wobble and need to remind myself that I want out for the right reasons. No matter how much it hurts right now

LyingWitch and others, plenty of posters have posted numerous times, eg 4 posts, over the last 24 hours. Nearly all have been incredibly supportive.

@OP it sounds like you are very much putting the well-being of his children first, when you acknowledge a blended family isn't going to work. You're letting their dad go, even though you were in love with him, so that they don't grow up feeling surplus to requirements at Dad's house. How could that ever be horrible?

In my limited experience, different parenting styles are a very difficult obstacle to get around. Think of how many plain old good friends just fall out or cool off on each other, because they've got very different approaches to parenting and the way their children respond to those styles rub each friend the wrong way.

And it's okay to be done with young kids. My youngest is 4. She's challenged our patience a lot over the past two years. We love her dearly, but we're never doing this part again. We're done. And I'm done with the hard work of having a baby too. I know for certain that if DH and I ever split up, or if (heaven forbid) I was widowed, I would never have a baby again, not even with a new partner.

To me, it sounds like you have good instincts. It took a while for you both to get there, but it now seems clear that you and your DP want different things, different futures. That seems to be the root of the tension, based on what you've written here.

Sometimes, it takes a while to get that kind of clarity. Not anyone's fault either. Let him be mad and let him move on. He'll re-evaluate what he wants in a relationship when he's ready and find a better fit for him in time. And so will you.

[quote toobusytothink]@Feedingthebirds1 thank you. I was having a massive wobble and need to remind myself that I want out for the right reasons. No matter how much it hurts right now[/quote]
I know what it’s like to end a relationship because it has to end, because it’s going nowhere, because it’s not what you want long term and PP are dead right here, they don’t have a structure now, he’s not going to make any inroads because he lacks the skills to be an effective parent. Maybe this break up will be the making of him as a father…

I doubt it, he’s too desperately keen to have a partner to recreate a family and has said he’ll put them aside to do that. These kids likely won’t grow up into delightful teens, where is the role model for that?

Oh, was that supposed to be you? The one person who knew that she DID NOT want to be a surrogate parent? At the expense of the relationship with 2 great kids of your own?
No. Nobody is worth that

I know it hurts. Allow yourself the wallowing, it’s really sad.

But you destroying or damaging the relationship with your kids and having years of tantrums at teatime would have been all you’d get from this.

We’re here for you. Keep talking to us and ask him to back off so you can process this.

If he doesn’t give you that space, you will say to him that he’s blocked for a bit so you can get that peace you need. No anger, no rancour but a firm clear boundary.

You’re making the right decision as hard and painful as it is.

Does this really need to end OP?

I completely understand your thinking but o think you both need to explore other ways of how you can do this.

I live with my DP and we both have DCs from our previous relationships. There are no issues surrounding him and my DCs but unfortunately we see his far less frequently. This changes dynamics somewhat so I just take care if my kids and he does his. No shared holidays/very few times for us alm to be together.

For the most part it works...its never going to be completely ideal but thats what happens when we have this baggage.

Over the years the DC that we have to consider change due to all sorts of things. Yes, his kids may be far from ideal now but that may change. Anyway, what's to say that you won't meet someone with older DCs that bring other issues to the table.

I'd just be inclined to talk lots, openly and honestly and without the emotion and defensiveness that you have st the moment.

I think ending it is the right thing to do, OP.

Because no matter how much you love each other, at the end of the day, he has young children and he's all talk about letting you do your own thing with your own DCs/yourself when he's got them. He might mean it, but he bitterly resents it if you try to take him up on it. It's not the situation he's looking for family-wise ... he wants someone else to help with the heavy-lifting with his children. Unreasonable, frankly, which he knows, but it's what he wants no matter what he says.

Yet with bf I can’t seem to find the same strength because I still love him so much

@toobusytothink You can love someone to distraction and they can feel the same way, but that doesn't mean you are right for each other. It could be 'wrong place, wrong time' in your lives or it could be something more permanent and serious.

He wants someone who wishes to 'take on' some level of involvement with his children. You don't wish to 'start over' as your children are almost grown. There's nothing wrong with either of those desires. But there's really also no room for compromise, either way.

You and he could try to reverse course and go back to keeping his children out of your relationship, but do you really think he's going to be happy with that in the long run? I don't. And I don't think 'waiting it out' until they get older will work well either. It's going to cause a lot of resentment with the children. As they grow older they're going to realize that you are no longer around them, but their dad is. Plus, a difficult small child often grows into a difficult older child/teen. What happens then?

Youngest is very hard work - lots of tantrums and yes also different parenting style I think.

Does this really need to end OP?

Yes it does with such a difference in parenting and behavioural acceptance styles.

He’s apparently- only with your help - fighting for 50/50 custody.

What you have now is the most it’s ever going to be.

That’s not what you want, not what he wants - he wants you all together and that’s wrong for you, for your kids.

@toobusytothink so another poster here who has older children (teens) and a partner with younger children similar in age to you. We have dated on and off for 5 years.

I haven’t RTFT but have read your posts. And hopefully I can share something with you.

1. you are not a terrible person. Holidaying with two sets of children who have different needs is very stressful. I think at best you were naive going into it but that’s no crime.
2. there is nothing wrong with not enjoying being around much younger children 24-7 for a week when you have been there / got the t-shirt. Being asked to play ‘cars in the sand’ when all you want to do is sit and read a book/ have a cuppa is annoying. And as you say there is years ahead of you yet.
3. Your children have their needs too. They are older, their holiday time with you is rare. Before you know it they will be off holidaying with their friends. In your shoes I categorically would not (and dont) compromise on that one to to one time. The mealtimes sound horrendous and bluntly your children should have been able to go off and do their activities without the younger ones bothering them. He is completely blind to the fact that older teenagers will not want to babysit much younger kids. Especially those they are not related to! I would really struggle to facilitate anything where I knew my kids were struggling/ compromising. That’s not what their holidays with me are for.
4. my advice is that the both of you need to decide what you are looking for in a relationship. And see if those things can align.

My experience (my relationship) is that I have absolutely zero interest in blending the two families and outside of building a nice fun / ad hoc relationship with his children - I want no more than that.

I am still not entirely sure if my partner is onboard with this. I know he would mush everyone together as bluntly it makes it easier for him and like your exes children, they love hanging out with the ‘older’ kids. My lot categorically do not enjoy it, will do it once in a while but anymore than that I know it would push them away. I will not allow that to happen.

I am not interested in playing ‘family’ with anyone else’s children, or them with mine. My priority is my adult intimate relationship. My partners is wider than that (I sense). I say I sense as he says he’s onboard with it but I sense an underlying resentment towards me that I don’t want to do more.

The reaction you got from him is very common. He has taken your behaviour as rejection of his children as opposed to being able to step back and understand the wider nuances of the situation. I find it quite telling that he has had a go at you about leaving the restaurant (I think I read that), vs apologising to you and your children for ruining your dinner/ evening because his youngest was so badly behaved. Bluntly the people who should have been removed from the table was the badly behaved child by your ex! That’s the only way children learn. He’s very myopic and again that is very common in these situations.

@toobusytothink I know it’s hard and I know you miss him. But trust me, this won’t get easier or better. Focus on your children and the remaining time before they fly the nest, it will come round quickly. Use this time to think about what you want and whether this relationship is meeting your needs. You have another 10-15 years of these children being central to his life.

Personally I am more than happy for my partner to focus on his children as he needs to (including holidays) as I am quite independent and happy to go off and do my own things. I like my space and my own company so for me - my situation will work.

Time will tell whether my partner and I can work through these issues however as even now he will make repeated hints about bringing his kids to mine (for the same reason your exes like coming to yours). What he doesn’t realise is that my eldest will deliberately make plans now to remove themselves from the house and the youngest will start to follow suit within the year. I’m not having that happen. My absolutely priority are my children.

I’m amazed these men cannot actually realise that these older children get zero enjoyment from hanging out with much younger children. There’s a blind spot so vast when it comes to their kids, it’s astonishing.

Not as shit as two very small children whose Dads partner can't be bothered with them.

The op has every right to not want to be with him and to not want to be bothered with them. You’re making her out to be a really bad person for that.

The children will be just fine without OP bothering with them.

@funinthesun19 I may not always agree with you on this board but man alive I agree with the above statement you put right here.

This all this in capitals.

I’ll add. More men than women seem to be desperate to play family following a divorce/ separation. I happily parent my children 60% of the time. Love my holidays alone with them. Don’t need anyone’s help (aside from my fab nanny and occasional family help). I don’t need to add anyone else to the mix. Many women are like me.

Men? Desperate to have another woman there to lift the load. Read the threads on here, it’s so common its laughable. And many of the men seem to have very little filter/ ability to actually step back and think ‘does this work for my partner? Are my expectations fair?’

My partner fought tooth and nail for his contact order with his children. In his shoes I would treat my contact time as really important and be in no desperate need to be ‘invited’ to people’s homes, have someone else entertain my children.

You’re not terrible. Well done for having the courage to put this boundary in. Hold firm, there is no onus on you to step up and do anything re his children if it doesn’t work for you / your kids. You will be desperately unhappy (as will your children) if y ou don’t hold firm.

If your partner is not happy with that? Well then it just isn’t going to work. It’s heartbreaking I know, as much as I love my partner, if his need for family becomes overwhelming. We won’t work as I simply won’t do it.

@sassbott oh my god you are literally me! How do you explain it gently to your partner? Is he ok with the set up? Do his kids not mind that you don’t want to see them?

Problem is that his kids mum always takes them to her bf’s on “her” weekends so they can’t understand why their daddy doesn’t take them to mine on “his” weekends. I come up with excuse after excuse but sometimes it just feels mean