Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

[toobusytothink]

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

@toobusytothink

That’s why in a way I was trying to make it so offensive that HE had no option but to walk away. Because I’m not strong enough

I get that, I've done that before too. Push them away becuase you aren't strong enough to end it.

You only get one shot at life. Make the decision you think is best deep in your heart and mind

@toobusytothink

Re belongings. He said he never wants to see me again but that unfortunately he has 2. I said I can be out and he can pick all his stuff up. No response to that.

Christ how dramatic is he?! You haven't killed anyone ffs

I’ve got a lot of thinking to do today. Going to go to the gym - where I do it best 😄

@toobusytothink

The haribo/icecream issue is where you seek the help of your in-laws. This, frankly, is child abuse. I'm surprised the childrens' dentist hasn't read the riot act on both parents about this. Carry on this way, and it'll be a full set of dentures for their 18th birthday.

Maybe make DP watch a few documentaries about people who ate junk food for a month. All the benefit of breast feeding are thrown away by a few weeks on a haribo diet. The gut bacteria change drastically, leading to behaviour problems, depression, anxiety - and worse. Look on youtube for TED talks on the (strong) connection between gut health and mental health

www.gutmicrobiotaforhealth.com/interview-ted-dinan-learning-gut-brain-axis/

@SpaceshiptoMars well he apologised within 2 hours as soon as he got to his parents. Apparently his dad had a go at him about parenting his youngest and they definitely back me (they are the loveliest people ever)
^^^^

Well you got an ally there.

And it only been 3 years.
Fast forward ti 30 odd years.
Get ti 15 / 16 and the kids will be doing their own thing - happily. We've lucky to see any of our four and I do say 'our' four now, every 2/3/6 or more months lol
But you just go with the flow and support them as you can. And enjoy the bits when you see them.
Totally agree about the sugar thing.
Sweets were barred completely- let them have crips but not for breakfast lol
Now my dh was super strict ( even impressed my dad) he was loving and generous but very firm but fair.
So I think a bit of educating on parenting may be in order.
His parents can advise, there is self help books and even parenting classes
I had a book called ' how to bring up boys'
Our youngest, who was also my dh and my biological son, used to encourage me to read it 😂
Relationship take work sometimes and with being where you've been I can tell you it's worth it.
In the last 5 years since our 'baby' flew the best we've had many child free holiday and just had our first long week end in our new camper.
Life just keep getting better.

@SpaceshiptoMars yes I did think about the teeth! Thank you. Regardless of what happens between me and him I know we will speak about things and he will ask my advice and I will definitely pass that on

@Robin233 some fantastic advice! Thank you

That's all over and done and dusted pretty quickly. Sounds like your relationship had very flimsy foundations. It's a shame you couldn't tolerate the love of your life's children for a few days.

Still, you'll know better for next time. Strictly non-parents only.

@OrchestraOfWankery

Yes he's working on getting his future nanny back on board

Not necessarily. He has possibly had an optimistic notion of the future with OP and his children in his mind. He is allowed to be disappointed and even upset that it won’t come to fruition. He has taken it personally and reacted with injured anger. OP says this is out of character. There’s NONE of us infallible to hurt and angry behaviour, particularly when it comes to our children. He has apologised.

It is entirely possible that he has realised the nanny is not on board and is looking to go forward with adjusted expectations. He’d be a FOOL to push his kids on someone who has made it clear they aren’t amenable to it. Why would he?

[quote toobusytothink]@Hypnoshiding but if it was that or us splitting up he would take it. Problem is he has been pushing for more and more and asking if he can come over on his weekends with the boys etc and after saying no for so long I started to relent. Think that’s when the resentment started growing - they love coming here and tbh I’m not surprised - we have a huge garden, they love my 2 because they’re “older and cool” and my bf loves it because he has me there for support. But I don’t like them being here and feel trapped. I wish I didn’t feel like that …[/quote]
'Taking it' and genuinely being happy with it are 2 different things. I think that's where I got confused.

He may take it, but I think you can guarantee resentment would set in.

Also the fact that I was expected to play cars in the sand and all I wanted to do was read… I know it probably wasn’t very sensible all going away together. Guess I just got excited about our future and had high hopes

Sorry darling I'm reading just now - ask your dad!

Meal times were the hardest as one of them really fussy and it ruined every meal time! My kids hated sitting down to meals

Couldn't his dad just make him something he knows he likes separately to make meal times less stressful for all whilst on holiday? Who cares if he doesn't eat it, he's not going to starve long term. Take the battle away (obviously his dad - not your job)

@meadowbleu sadly I agree. He sees how easy I have it and how much fun we were having going for walks, to the pub, paddle boarding, and wanted his 2 to be able to do the same. But they are too young! But if course he loves them so deals with it but can’t understand why I won’t restrict my activities

None of these are things that a 5 and 7 year old can't do, they either don't want to do it or don't behave appropriately - he'd be welcome to take his dc paddle boarding at the same time

Tbh he doesn't sound as amazing as you seem to think. The nasty messages then the turn around and sorry is quite typical early abusive behaviour. The fact you think (know) he'll choose you over his dc if that situation arises is worrying. The pushing to spend time together when you aren't so keen! Sounds like a Disney dad who wants help in being so as it's all an awful lot of effort alone!

Not sure why holidays are a huge issue though, surely you could holiday together when dc are with their mum?

@Hypnoshiding absolutely agree. IF we decide to make a go of it (and I’m not sure we will) on the grounds that we only see each other without kids, then there may still be the very real chance one of us will not like the set up and grow to resent it and it will end in tears anyway

Re holidays - yes we could holiday together when they are with their mum but he has them 50% of hols so doesn’t have enough leave to go away with me too

I'd assume he could put his dc in holiday clubs for some of his time with them like most working parents? That sort of balance when he has them 50% of the times isn't unreasonable at all

I think it's perfectly fine to not enjoy a holiday with young children who are not your own!

I've had to refuse a holiday with a close friend for the same reasons, different age group of DCs and different parenting styles, me and my DCs would have been exhausted and miserable.

It's up to you what you do now but please don't feel guilty for not wanting to do that all over again. He obviously didn't listen to you before you went away and didn't respect your time with your own DCs.

He could - but he feels guilty doing so. And is nervous of his ex and what she would say

Not necessarily. He has possibly had an optimistic notion of the future with OP and his children in his mind. He is allowed to be disappointed and even upset that it won’t come to fruition.

Yes, he is allowed to want whatever he wants. However, he has bene pushing this on op for a while. Never picking up that she wasn't happy with it.

Or did pick up on it and just carried on. A partner would have a converstation about what they want and their expectations. Not just keep pushing then on the direction they want. Which is what he has been doing.

Op, I don't think them being a bit older will help. What happens when one is 11 and still having strops because they know their dad caves? Or at 15 he is still playing Disney dad to keep them happy.

What happens when they still know how to play their dad and want to come and stay during the holidays from uni? Or want to come live with you both after a relationship split.

When they get married, your dp wants you there, they don't because they barely know you. Or know that you resented them.

You keep sayings it's down to their age. But I think, like me (so not judging) you have no interest on living your life around someone else's kids especially, when their parenting is making life harder. I have no interest in trying to joint parent with my dp and his ex.

Again, you may be happy never living together, many people are but it doesn't sound like it.

You keep saying no one has loved you like he loves you, but you are edging back although you know, that's not the right thing and that love will turn to dislike.

And tbh, you have no idea what's round the corner. There will be many people out there that you could love just as much, that you love you the same, but have their life in the same place you do.

You are holding on because you think, love wise, you won't get any better. That's just a fear you are

@Happyd

I've always gone by that If you love someone , you love their children as half of them is the person you love .. and their so little how can you hate a 2yrs old

Sorry but it really doesn't feel that way. If anything, DSS being "half DP" is a source of sadness for me, not love, but practically thinking it's just something I don't think about that much.

That joy of seeing your partner in a little person is very much hampered by it being with another woman.

You’re right. I’m terrified. Ironically I was able to end a 20 yr marriage because it had just died a death. Thought we both deserved better and the right to have the opportunity to be happier with someone else. Yet with bf I can’t seem to find the same strength because I still love him so much

@aSofaNearYou agreed. Especially when that other woman is really quite unpleasant to your bf

Please don't 'make a go of it' on the basis you won't see the kids. That's crazy! He is never going to be satisfied with that and rightly so. There his kids. By the same token, you'll probably end up feeling guilty because it's you that doesn't want young kids (any young kids) around. And the kids will feel rejected and won't understand.

Just move on so you can both find more comparability.

@toobusytothink

I'd recommend Transactional Analysis for your DP. Learning to recognize patterns of behaviour and make small changes to break out of those repeated situations that are so unhelpful. He needs this to cope with his ex, but it will take time to absorb. Also Nonviolent Communication (Marshall Rosenberg, youtube) for both of you to work out your differences without unpleasant scenes.

@baby2onboard

Lucky him that he's gone now! Imagine not been able to stand the sight of a 5 year old! God help your grandchildren when ever you get them, if you can't stand small kids it'll be the same then! All you've done is portray him in a bad light when he did everything with them

Cop on to yourself. If you cannot appreciate the ops very fair point of view then keep your opinions to yourself. Grandchildren won't compare at all. She won't be expected to raise her grandchildren and it's unlikely they will live with her part of the week.

Thank you

[quote toobusytothink]@webiwoo I would never let that happen. That is exactly why I think we need to split - for the sake of his boys. I would never let him choose me over them even if he wanted to (and he wouldn’t because he is a great and loving dad). I’m sorry for what you went through.[/quote]
But the signs are there… he already IS dismissing the points that you don’t want to be involved with his kids, he’s never going to admit that he’s a crap dad and he is showing you that he places getting back with you on a higher agenda than sorting out his kids, making sure they’re safe and happy.

This relationship has absolutely no future. The resentment will eat it up, you run the risk of your own kids swerving you if he moves in.

Think about it.
All this loves young dream is a red flag in itself.

This star crossed lovers isn’t a healthy place to be. You know this