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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
pictish · 21/08/2021 08:33

@Happyd

I've always gone by that If you love someone , you love their children as half of them is the person you love .. and their so little how can you hate a 2yrs old
What simplistic nonsense.

Anyway OP I don’t see why you can’t carry on as you have been, living in your own homes and seeing each other when his kids are with mum. You’ve done this for three years already.
You’ve made it clear it’s related to the age and stage of the children…I would feel the same (three of my own, NO desire to go back in time to all the kiddy crap again). You don’t HAVE to blend families, move in together or any of that stuff.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:34

@Hypnoshiding but if it was that or us splitting up he would take it. Problem is he has been pushing for more and more and asking if he can come over on his weekends with the boys etc and after saying no for so long I started to relent. Think that’s when the resentment started growing - they love coming here and tbh I’m not surprised - we have a huge garden, they love my 2 because they’re “older and cool” and my bf loves it because he has me there for support. But I don’t like them being here and feel trapped. I wish I didn’t feel like that …

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:35

@pictish what about holidays?

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/08/2021 08:37

Personally I think you're mad going back together, it isn't going to work out longterm, it isn't fair on anyone.

nolongersurprised · 21/08/2021 08:38

He really would be ok with just having a relationship with me and not involving his kids

This might be what he says, but he does this:

Problem is he has been pushing for more and more and asking if he can come over on his weekends with the boys etc and after saying no for so long I started to relent

His actions show he wants you in an active role. It’s fine not to want that, I wouldn’t either, but I’d be wary of what he’s saying now

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/08/2021 08:41

[quote toobusytothink]@SpaceshiptoMars well he apologised within 2 hours as soon as he got to his parents. Apparently his dad had a go at him about parenting his youngest and they definitely back me (they are the loveliest people ever)[/quote]
Lovely in-laws who back you are worth their weight in gold!

Things are tricky now, but if the parenting issue is tackled, firmly, then there is hope. If DP changes, the children will change - surprisingly quickly. But he needs to man up, and break the kid's sugar addiction - that will be making the behaviour problems much worse.

You'll need to compromise on your wants too. Accept that holidays together are not on yet. Days out - maybe! See how his parenting goes. And in the future, save up and pick short holidays with lots of activities organized for smaller children, and separate stuff for the older ones. Be prepared to spend lots on holiday clubs etc!

Kiduknot · 21/08/2021 08:41

You are just at different life stages. Circumstance rather than dislike. I would feel the same.

You’ve just got to both make the decision of whether a part time relationship is doable for the next possibly 15 years. Of course as they get older and easier it may be less than this, but you need to think long term worst scenario.

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 08:42

The nasty messages are what is truly in his heart in my opinion

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 08:42

How would you ever put that behind you

OrchestraOfWankery · 21/08/2021 08:44

[quote toobusytothink]@Hypnoshiding but if it was that or us splitting up he would take it. Problem is he has been pushing for more and more and asking if he can come over on his weekends with the boys etc and after saying no for so long I started to relent. Think that’s when the resentment started growing - they love coming here and tbh I’m not surprised - we have a huge garden, they love my 2 because they’re “older and cool” and my bf loves it because he has me there for support. But I don’t like them being here and feel trapped. I wish I didn’t feel like that …[/quote]
OP it's clear from all your updates especially this one - he can't parent appropiately. He expects you to take over.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:46

@SpaceshiptoMars thank you!! I didn’t make the connection between the sweets and behaviour. Every day after breakfast they start on the haribo. Then surprise surprise the fussy eater doesn’t want lunch but will get an ice cream if he eats half a cheese roll.

It’s the compromising on my wants that is tough. I’ve got to think about whether that’s something I’m prepared to do.

And yes to him using kids clubs more! He feels so guilty if he has to

OP posts:
ClaryFairchild · 21/08/2021 08:46

Right now he wants you under whatever conditions you set. But it really won't stay like that. He will try to chip away at it. Just one dinner, just one weekend event, just one bbq....

It's really not possible, not for the number of years that this is for.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:49

@CabbagesGreen i had just given him the impression I didn’t like his kids then goaded him by telling him he should be telling me he didn’t want a relationship with someone who felt like that. Yes the never wanting to see my face again and “ashamed” comments were nasty but he’s usually incredibly loving (very aware I’m
Making excuses for him …)

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:50

@ClaryFairchild I know!!!…. I just wish they were even just a couple of years older

OP posts:
pictish · 21/08/2021 08:53

Holidays will be tricky but not insurmountable, there’s no contract that says you have to go away together for a fortnight. You play it by ear obviously. They’ll develop and mature, circumstances will change.

I’ll be honest, I think he was hoping you’d be amenable to taking a more active role in step-parenting. If that’s the case it probably isn’t going to work out. If he is able to adjust his expectations, it might.

I think people often blend families and move in together when it’s not actually necessary or the right thing to do, that’s all.
Mine are 12, 13 and 19. I’d have no interest in moving in with someone else’s little ones. I’ve done my time. A man would have to agree…or at the very least, respect that.

ClaryFairchild · 21/08/2021 08:54
Thanks

It's a really tough thing to do. But you have to put yourself and your DC first.

Oblomov21 · 21/08/2021 08:56

You are starting to bend, agree. Bet you will be all sorted by the end of the weekend.

Only you won't be. Long term.

Oblomov21 · 21/08/2021 08:57

You know what you are supposed to do.
You just don't want to.
None of us can help you with that.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:58

@Oblomov21 you’re so right … on both counts

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 21/08/2021 08:59

I'd feel similar OP. My patience with DC is very low.
I loved other DC, my DC friends etc, now my youngest is nearly 7 he was/is a difficult child I couldn't do it again for anyone.

liveforsummer · 21/08/2021 09:01

You can't help how you feel but it's obviously apparent and would be very damaging to the dc. Right decision has been made. It's a shame as they won't be little forever but totally unfair to them to hang on while that happens - don't date anyone with pre teen dc going forward.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 09:02

That’s why in a way I was trying to make it so offensive that HE had no option but to walk away. Because I’m not strong enough

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 21/08/2021 09:05

Depends how much holiday you get. If he wants you along on holiday with his kids then you could choose to go knowing it is not going to be a relaxing break. I've done this with family breaks sometimes and you let it go that you will be able to do what you like, can help not feeling irritated and resentful. This only works if you are able to have another break with your kids where you get to do what you want. And perhaps other short break with just him. As I said, depends on resources and time off though.
A bit like if he comes over with his kids one Saturday, you accept it will be an afternoon about them and possibly bit shit but maybe plan a nice evening or next day when they have gone.
Might help to keep a little contact and a bit of sacrifice on your behalf if you want to stay with him.
Also from this place where you are now, if you do have his kids over you are in a good place to make sure he plans stuff with you like meal times and snacks , behaviour rules etc, or just activities so they don't play up.

OrchestraOfWankery · 21/08/2021 09:06

Yes he's working on getting his future nanny back on board

CabbagesGreen · 21/08/2021 09:06

@toobusytothink ah I see. Only you saw the messages and know what's really going on, I appreciate relationships have more subtle nuances than can be explained in a message on a forum!

I would try and look at it as what would you advise a friend? Or your own child. You have your own children to think about too. In a years time none of this could matter and everyone will have moved on.