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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
Babysharkdoodoodood · 20/08/2021 23:50

@toobusytothink
Don't kick yourself. Me and my now DH had a disaaaaastrous holiday with his 2 when they were approaching teens and my ds2 was 4. It was the holiday from hell, so we never holidayed with our kids all together again.

We agreed to be together apart until they grew up. His kids (all 4 of them!) grew into great adults. My eldest left home. My youngest has SEN so is still with us at 21, but he's gradually starting to adult. We got married (for financial security {and love}) and stayed living apart for a few years, until we decided the time was right to buy together in a big enough house for everyone to visit.

It's been 20 pretty good years now since we met and there have been some really shit times (breast cancer etc) but some amazing times as well. If we'd moved too fast, we wouldn't have made it this far.

This might just be a hiccup for you both, but if there's love there and you start communicating properly, then you could make it. However, if he's not willing to be with you on your terms, then there is no chance. It also depends on whether you would be happy just seeing him without his kids.

nolongersurprised · 20/08/2021 23:55

OP, you have done the right thing.

He wants to blend families and have you in the “mum role” for his children. It might not just be laziness, he may feel that his children will view their time with him as more homely if he can recreate a more traditional family structure. He’s annoyed that you don’t want this as well. It’s not a role that you can take on half-heartedly.

It’s taboo still for women to admit that no, they don’t automatically adore and want to nurture other people’s children. There was a thread in step parenting a while ago about whether stepmothers would care if they didn’t see their SC again and almost everyone said that no, actually, it wouldn’t bother them that much.

AcrossthePond55 · 21/08/2021 00:25

So he "knows X is difficult and he needs help". Where exactly does he think this 'help' is going to come from? You? Because if not from you, why hasn't he sought this 'help' elsewhere already?

I think you've made the right decision. He wants a coparent. You want more of a 'playmate'. Neither of you is wrong in what you want, it's just that your wants aren't compatible.

acolderwar · 21/08/2021 00:26

I've only read your posts, OP. I think that your DP sounds horrible, very manipulative. His actions don't match his words. He knows what he should say and do in theory, ie: not expect you to get involved in the grunt work with his two, allow you to have time with your two doing things that they want to do. But he didn't do either of these things on the holiday. He pushed his own agenda onto all of you and made all of you miserable at his expense.

Now that he's realised that you aren't going to march to his tune, when he's dumped you and you haven't fallen into line and begged for him to come back and promised that you will do what he wants, he's changing his strategy and will offer up more empty words which I would bet he won't follow through with.

The holiday sounds like it was so shit for you and your kids. And that was because he isn't parenting his youngest properly and is making his problems your problems (and now your children's problems too). He deprived your children of what could have been a nice holiday full of things that they enjoyed and forced you all to be part of an embarrassing circus at meal times and activities.

OnceUponAMidnightBeery · 21/08/2021 01:07

@Viviennemary

MN double standards yet again. If this was the man making these comments about small children he would be set upon. But because its the woman its ok. Hmm
When men are generally as put upon, and expected to make all the concessions for/be the responsible parent to DC/DSC as women currently are, you’ll have a point.
ClaryFairchild · 21/08/2021 01:35

You met a wonderful man, and you both fell in love with each other. He saw you as a mother, he met your DC, his love grew because he saw how wonderful it was and how wonderful a mother you are.

You saw him with his DC and your love for him shrank, maybe just a bit, but you saw his clay feet. You saw that he was willing to put unrealistic expectations on your DC, and you saw that he was hoping the magic of you and your DC would make his and his DC's life better, and didn't mind that at the same time that would make your and your DC's lives that little bit worse.

He's human, snd it's understandable that he wants his and his DC's lives made better by you all in it. But he showed a nasty streak with his behaviour when you weren't willing to completely throw yourself into blending your two families, and protecting your own and holding a little bit apart.

That's not going to change, and I think your love for him will continue to shrink the more you and your DC are put into the position of being "less" so that he and his DC can be "more".

You need to stand strong, this will not magically get better.

SandyY2K · 21/08/2021 01:50

I’ve spent the last year helping him fight for 50:50

I see this so often. New partner helps dad fight for custody. Can't these men do it themselves.

Robin233 · 21/08/2021 02:36

@Bagamoyo1 It seems that this is partly a problem of your own making. I’ve been with my partner for 5 years. His kids are adults, mine are secondary school age. We don’t live together. As it happens DP gets on with my kids so we go on holiday together etc, but if he didn’t, then it would be easy enough to have a perfectly fulfilling relationship without my kids being involved at all. It’s just a case of managing the time.

I assume you don’t really love him and were ready to move on anyway
^^^
I agree really. I do understand where op is coming from but love doesn't grow on trees so it's a shame.
I have 2 step children and 2 dc - all grown up now. One was very easy to love , the other not so much - though I do now , very much. But I wouldn't never have given dh up over it. What we found second time around was / is rare and precious.
But everyone is different and I am now embracing small children again as my dsc have their own babies / my grandchildren and find this magical.

HollyGrail · 21/08/2021 07:29

There was a thread in step parenting a while ago about whether stepmothers would care if they didn’t see their SC again and almost everyone said that no, actually, it wouldn’t bother them that much.

Yes, but that is partly because they would know that the child's own parents were there.
You wouldn't get someone who adopted a child whose parent's had, say, died, not caring if they never saw the child again. Despite it not being their child.

Happyd · 21/08/2021 07:33

I've always gone by that If you love someone , you love their children as half of them is the person you love .. and their so little how can you hate a 2yrs old

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 07:42

@Happyd but that also means that half of them is someone you don’t love. In fact she’s really quite unpleasant…. Maybe that’s one of the problems

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 07:45

@Babysharkdoodoodood he is prepared to be with me on my terms in only seeing each other without his kids. But I don’t know if that’s enough for me now. Also would definitely worry about the impact on his kids (would they feel bad that o didn’t “want them over” - god that sounds so harsh writing it down) and it would be like living 2 segregated lives

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 07:47

@Robin233 his argument is exactly that. That what we have is so rare and precious. And I agree with him. I know I won’t find anyone who loves me as much as he does or who I love so much.

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Hypnoshiding · 21/08/2021 07:47

[quote toobusytothink]@Babysharkdoodoodood he is prepared to be with me on my terms in only seeing each other without his kids. But I don’t know if that’s enough for me now. Also would definitely worry about the impact on his kids (would they feel bad that o didn’t “want them over” - god that sounds so harsh writing it down) and it would be like living 2 segregated lives[/quote]
What would you fo if the kids grow up and you sti don't feel different.

So they want to come stay at Christmas, with their dad and their kids. Or suggest a family holiday etc.

Are both of you accepting of potentially never living together etc

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 07:48

@ClaryFairchild I think that’s really well put especially the point about my love for him diminishing I guess. That just makes me so sad though

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 07:49

@Hypnoshiding I know - and then obviously I wouldn’t know them. And they may dislike me quite reasonably. Or May avoid seeing their dad because I’m there

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Oblomov21 · 21/08/2021 08:04

Hating his kids title is misleading. It's much more complicated than that. You don't hate his kids. You might think how he parents is overcompensating for leaving them.
His nastiness to you re the ice cream and the subsequent texts is telling.

Oblomov21 · 21/08/2021 08:05

No. He's not the right man wrong time. He's the wrong man, wrong time.

nolongersurprised · 21/08/2021 08:22

Watching him spoon feeding a tantrumming 5 year old ice cream would have done it for me.

Given he’s been after 50:50 access do you think he was expecting you to fill in childcare gaps?

Was he moving towards blending in the hope that you’d provide a loving and welcoming home for your SC?

If the answer to these questions is yes and yes, if you decide to stay in the relationship, does he acknowledge that you don’t want to blend your families and that your relationship is with just him?

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/08/2021 08:25

Whatever happens, I think you should stop fighting 50/50 for his kids. You blur the boundaries by doing this and it sounds as if he’s not good at boundaries all round - not with you nor with his kids. You know he gives in to them. If he continues in this vein, you may never want to spend time with his kids. Pandered to kids make entitled and nasty teens… as I’m finding out with DD’s (13) ‘friends’.

SpaceshiptoMars · 21/08/2021 08:25

@toobusytothink

A lot of people get a bit nasty if they don't get something they really wanted. If he apologises quickly, it shows hope. People do mature, slowly. If his parents are backing you, that will help too.

He needs to recognize that his parenting is poor and do something about it. He would hit the same problem with any future girlfriend, so he might as well fix it now. Parenting classes? Books? Online? Is he willing to put significant effort into that? You can only co-parent his kids if you develop a shared parenting style, consciously.

Joint counselling for both of you would be helpful. Some couples choose refresher sessions every year to keep their relationship strong.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:26

@nolongersurprised no he wasn’t expecting us to start living together. He knows that would never happen whilst my 2 still live with me. He really would be ok with just having a relationship with me and not involving his kids. And term time it wouldn’t be a problem at all. But for the 3 major holidays it definitely would be an issue as I would want to be able to go away with him

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Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:28

@SpaceshiptoMars well he apologised within 2 hours as soon as he got to his parents. Apparently his dad had a go at him about parenting his youngest and they definitely back me (they are the loveliest people ever)

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Hypnoshiding · 21/08/2021 08:29

He really would be ok with just having a relationship with me and not involving his kids.

But that's not what you said early in in the thread.

Original poster
toobusytothink · 21/08/2021 08:30

Re the co parenting I think it is a real problem with his ex. I’m not going to slag her off because it’s not the time or my place but I do know she sets no boundaries for them and they have little routine and no set bed time … so her parenting style is very different from mine

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