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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

586 replies

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 15:07

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

OP posts:
frazzledasarock · 20/08/2021 21:32

@toobusytothink why is what you want a negative thing though?

So you’re putting yourself first, as you should.

What’s the alternative, playing step parent to two small children you do not wish to parent and being miserable and everyone involved being miserable.

Why is recognising your tolerance level and having limits a terrible and selfish thing?

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:35

@pragmaticsanctionofbourges we’re the same age. He was an older dad. So of course when I was bringing up my 2, he was off having fun and having amazing holidays which is now what I want but he can’t do: and it doesn’t help that if course he did it all with his ex who is now horrible to him
so there is definitely some jealousy on my side that she got the fun side but it went wrong as soon as kids came along and now I get the less fun side. Gosh I know how petty and bitter that sounds

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:37

@frazzledasarock exactly that. And it’s mine and my kids happiness

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:37

So not selfish I guess after all

OP posts:
JanisJ · 20/08/2021 21:47

I don't think you're selfish at all op.

I think he's unrealistic.

He wants the big happy blended family holiday situation. But these kids did not grow up together and are of different age groups with different upbringings.

And now you've got the fun and easier part with your older kids he wants to tag his onto that. It just doesn't always work.

If you love him that much I'd consider an ongoing relationship without mixing households or holidays until they're all over 16. But I wouldn't attempt to blend a family that doesn't want to be blended.

And I really don't think you've done anything wrong.

Muchmorethan · 20/08/2021 21:48

Personally l don't think either of you are wrong with your viewpoints. You're just at different points in your lives.

baby2onboard · 20/08/2021 21:49

Lucky him that he's gone now! Imagine not been able to stand the sight of a 5 year old! God help your grandchildren when ever you get them, if you can't stand small kids it'll be the same then! All you've done is portray him in a bad light when he did everything with them

aSofaNearYou · 20/08/2021 21:50

@baby2onboard

Lucky him that he's gone now! Imagine not been able to stand the sight of a 5 year old! God help your grandchildren when ever you get them, if you can't stand small kids it'll be the same then! All you've done is portray him in a bad light when he did everything with them
Where did "can't stand" come from? Dramatic much...
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:52

@baby2onboard thanks for that … I adore the guy and never said I can’t stand the sight of a 5 year old! Anyway I feel bloody sad and shit about it being over so thx for the kick

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:54

Luckily it’s all a bit calmer. He’s at his parents and had a good chat with them. We’ve been messaging and he wants to try and make it work despite everything but knows it’s not what I want. We’re both upset and it’s shit but thankfully we can at least talk nicely to each other. We do still love each other so I didn’t want it to be nasty

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:56

@JanisJ I guess there’s still a tiny chance of that. But I worry that wouldn’t make either of us happy either and would just prolong the inevitable break up even further down the line

OP posts:
Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:57

And his are still so little it would be a long wait for me

OP posts:
Restlessinthenorth · 20/08/2021 22:01

OP, thank you for this post. It has given me a lot of food for thought. I know I need to split up with my partner for very similar reasons; I just can't go on like this. I just don't know how to deal with the fall out, but equally know I can't go on being with someone with such incompatible parenting styles. He's a great guy but managing like this for another decade just isn't realistic

Original poster
toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 22:03

@Restlessinthenorth it’s so crap and sorry you’re going through the same thing. It’s completely gutting. Both me and him are sitting in different houses crying because it’s so unfair and just wishing it was different

OP posts:
Wineandroses3 · 20/08/2021 22:04

It’s hard work looking after young kids when they’re your own let alone someone else’s so I empathize. How did you find it when your own two were that age? Did you struggle when your own were young? Or do you think it’s because his kids are not your own that you find it so difficult? The only gbjnkg I could say is that when they get around 7 or 8 it does become easier with the feeding and the tantrums are far less (generally) so you would not have to wait too long for things to get easier , such a shame it’s not often people meet someone who they’re so compatible with.hope it works out for you x

messybun101 · 20/08/2021 22:07

[quote toobusytothink]@Restlessinthenorth it’s so crap and sorry you’re going through the same thing. It’s completely gutting. Both me and him are sitting in different houses crying because it’s so unfair and just wishing it was different[/quote]
This is so sad to read. But I really see it from both of your POV

You're both great people by the sounds of things and, both great parents. Sadly you're in the right relationship at the wrong time

OnwardsAndSideways1 · 20/08/2021 22:09

I think you know what you want, OP and that's not to be a parent to that age children, probably any children of that age would be irritating to you.

I know I am the same so I don't date younger men and I don't date same age men who had their kids later- even if the younger men are hot or whatever, I don't want to spend my weekends going around farms and play centres, now mine are teenagers and more independent.

Sad, but just the way it is. If I see someone has their young kids 50% I think great guy but give them a bodyswerve for a relationship as I don't want that at all!

Bagamoyo1 · 20/08/2021 22:09

[quote frazzledasarock]@Bagamoyo1 OP said her boyfriend wanted to blend families and wanted her more involved with the kids.[/quote]
Yes but surely he’d prefer to compromise than end the relationship, if he loves her as much as she says.

Restlessinthenorth · 20/08/2021 22:10

@toobusytothink the meal time thing resonates so strongly and I get how it sounds so ridiculous to others. I literally dread meal time: thinking about what to cook that she might eat, his daughter's ridiculously fussy behaviour with whatever is presented, his shocking response to it, and complete lack of will to discuss it with his daughters mum to look for solutions . The prospect of three meals a day on an overseas holiday with her honestly makes me feel sick. This is just one small thing but together they are just too much to overcome. My kids will be heartbroken if we spilt as they are really fond of him. Deep down I know I can't live with this level of resent. I often feel like a stranger on my own home when she is here.

EmeraldShamrock · 20/08/2021 22:10

Keep things as they are even if he decides he can accept that you don't like his DC it'll never work out.
Anything you say well be blamed on your dislike for them.
I couldn't be with someone who disliked my DC. It doesn't make you a bad person.

AmyDudley · 20/08/2021 22:13

Lucky him that he's gone now! Imagine not been able to stand the sight of a 5 year old! God help your grandchildren when ever you get them, if you can't stand small kids it'll be the same then!

How nasty. Nowhere did OP say she couldn't stand the sight of the five year old. The 5 yr old was being difficult and she has been there done that stage - why should she embrace the idea of doing it again for someone else's children.
And this stupid myth of 'what will you do when you have grandchildren' keeps getting repeated. You don't have to parent grandchildren, you can hand them back to thier parents, You are notexpected to take a parental role. And of course grandchildren are just that - your family the children of your children, how you feel about them is entirely different to how you feel about someone elses children.

The idea that 5 year olds are a continual delight and anyone who finds them frustrating or irritating is in some way a child hater is ridiculous. Very few children are 'easy' all the time they go through tricky stages, and we deal with it and we guide them through it when they are our own because we love them. It doesn't mean we should welcome the chance to deal with someone else's kids unpleasant behaviour.

And from what the OP has said about the BF's parenting he may well have problems with them when they are teens as well. He should have managed his own and his children's expectations of the holiday better and as a parent foreseen where problems might arise and plan how to deal with them. Every meal time being spoilt by a tantrumming child is him not being able to parent adequately.

It is sad - but sometimes situations are not compatible OP and you have to look at the longer term and how this could all pan out if you did stay together. Be clear on what you want and what is best for you.

JanisJ · 20/08/2021 22:21

[quote toobusytothink]@baby2onboard thanks for that … I adore the guy and never said I can’t stand the sight of a 5 year old! Anyway I feel bloody sad and shit about it being over so thx for the kick[/quote]

I can't stand most 5yos to be fair, they're mostly very hard work.

Cam001 · 20/08/2021 22:47

Lucky him that he's gone now! Imagine not been able to stand the sight of a 5 year old! God help your grandchildren when ever you get them, if you can't stand small kids it'll be the same then! There's a saying; "children are like farts - you don't mind your own." I've never been too keen on other people's kids, but my own, and my grandchildren, I adore, so I wouldn't worry too much about the OP in that regard.

Congressdingo · 20/08/2021 23:05

@baby2onboard

Lucky him that he's gone now! Imagine not been able to stand the sight of a 5 year old! God help your grandchildren when ever you get them, if you can't stand small kids it'll be the same then! All you've done is portray him in a bad light when he did everything with them
Well I cant stand many 5 year olds, they are fucking hard work. Grandparenting is very different, you hand them back at a set time luckily, also grandchildren are somewhat related, not someone else's kids. Plus you brought up your own children, chances are they parent in a similar way.

And I think not liking many 5 year olds is not exactly a crime, not that OP detests these children, just not wanting to go through that stage all over again. Which is fair, I'd rather tear off a limb than go through small child wrangling rearing again.

Serendipity79 · 20/08/2021 23:43

I have a 5 and 7 year old. Most days they drive me nuts!

I think that you sound very realistic OP - its ok to not want to be a step mum to small kids when yours are older and you've done your child raising. It does sound to me a bit like he was hoping you'd fill the mum role while they're with you both, and its ok for that not to be for you. My ex did that to me - fought his ex for 50/50 then I looked after his child whenever she came to us.

Personally for me, a relationship where you just don't see his kids or spend time with them isn't ok - on the basis that the kids will grow up knowing dad has a partner he loves very much but she spends no time with them so therefore doesn't love/like/tolerate them very much. That could seriously damage them as they grow up.

I do feel for you but I also think you have to stick to your guns and think about the children as well as yourself and your ex

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