Page 12 | Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

toobusytothink · 2021-08-20T14:07:15+00:00

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

Coyoacan · 20/08/2021 20:02

I think you are wonderful OP. You did the right thing for the children in ending this and no blame to you. Back in the day when anyone could do child minding I did a stint of it but I found the little boy odious. Like you I didn't think it was fair on the child to stick around.

gorgeousjewel · 20/08/2021 20:05

@webiwoo - your anger would be best directed at your father not his wife/partner or the OP.

@toobusytothinktoobusytothink - he really isn't a great dad - he's a manipulative arse and you are well rid

goldenlilliesdaffodillies · 20/08/2021 20:07

OP I really feel for you and understand why you feel this way. I've been a step mum for 25 years and at times it has been extremely hard. You are not a bad or horrible person. You have good boundaries. It doesn't sound like your partner is a horrible person either- just someone muddling through who is probably really embarrassed. People joke that parenting doesn't come with a manual on how to be a parent- well neither does step-parenting.

My stepchildren are grown up now, but as a family, we learnt holidays were real flashpoints. They started with rose-tinted glasses, everyone was excited but the reality was very different. Eventually, we decided it was better for DH to have a holiday with his children, so they could relax and then DH and I had a holiday together. This worked out much better. Counselling also really helped. If you stay together I would recommend keeping your own separate places. You don't have to blend your families. Children grow up and are not little for long.

gorgeousjewel · 20/08/2021 20:08

@Pebbledashery
Fwiw everyone has commented you have made the right decision.. You honestly have and you have nothing to feel bad about. You deserve to be happy. Considering mumsnet is a vipers nest when it comes to step mums, I would say you're one of the good ones x

She isn't their step mother though.

candlelightsatdawn · 20/08/2021 20:15

@webiwoo

My dad was this dad. His partner had two children the same age as me but hated my mother so wanted nothing to do with me. My dad kept his own house so I seen him there every weekend but didn’t go on holidays, no Christmas/Easter dinners and wasn’t invited to her kids parties. I knew she couldn’t bare me, on the odd occasion that I bumped into her she tried to be breezy but I knew. 30 years on I wish my dad could of seen the damage it would do to our relationship. OP the children will know you don’t want to be part of there life and if like me, it will eventually affect how the relationship they have with their dad because he stayed with you to their exclusion.

@webiwoo you have commented a lot on other posts. Your anger should be towards your dad, not towards your stepmom.

He's your dad but at some point you have to take off the rose tinted glasses and see his behaviour for what it was. If he wanted to include you, he could have. Blaming the SM is just the ultimate get out clause. He didn't have a gun to his head. He could have seen you and spent time with you outside of the parameters he did. He could but he chose not to.

This step mum left because she couldn't hack it. It wasn't a personal thing against the kids, she said what she said and in long run it's best for her and the kids. What is personal though is a parent that finds any reason under the sun not to parent even if it means throwing their current partner under the bus.

I'm a mum and as much as my heartbreaks for you, I know no person alive could convince me to exclude my child. And if they did, it would have been ultimately my choice.**

You have got to work this out in your head or it's a cycle you will continue.

CabbagesGreen · 20/08/2021 20:22

@webiwoo

My dad was this dad. His partner had two children the same age as me but hated my mother so wanted nothing to do with me. My dad kept his own house so I seen him there every weekend but didn’t go on holidays, no Christmas/Easter dinners and wasn’t invited to her kids parties. I knew she couldn’t bare me, on the odd occasion that I bumped into her she tried to be breezy but I knew. 30 years on I wish my dad could of seen the damage it would do to our relationship. OP the children will know you don’t want to be part of there life and if like me, it will eventually affect how the relationship they have with their dad because he stayed with you to their exclusion.

It's not all your stepmums fault though. Your dad needed to sort himself out and leave her.

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 20/08/2021 20:23

@toobusytothink

My teenage daughter knew I was struggling on holiday and she even told me it will get easier as they get older. But it’s a long long time to cling on

I agree. The sunk costs fallacy rarely ever ends well and you've had the integrity to face this now.

You've been honest. I don't think you have anything to berate yourself with at all. Sadly sometimes even when people are compatible, their situations may not be.

ThuMuClu · 20/08/2021 20:25

Expecting your teens to be responsible for such young children while doing high risk activities is a big no. I bet their mum wouldn’t be happy about it either, sounds like typical being a fun dad but palming off the actual work nonsense.

meadowbleu · 20/08/2021 20:28

once we got there he got offended if I said we were taking the dogs out for example: his 2 hate going for long walks but I love it and dogs needed walking…. I think he was just a bit jealous really because would have loved to all have gone for a walk but knew his 2 sound hate it

I think he's kicked off at you @toobusytothink because this holiday made him resent spending time with his children at the stage they are now.

He doesn't understand it not being personal, In all honesty, I would be exactly the same as you. I've done that kind of holiday and am not up for it again until later in life if grandchildren come along.

I especially wouldn't like it if there was a small child who everything had to revolve around placating (assuming no overriding special circumstances) Am sure his sibling feels likewise.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 20:34

@meadowbleu sadly I agree. He sees how easy I have it and how much fun we were having going for walks, to the pub, paddle boarding, and wanted his 2 to be able to do the same. But they are too young! But if course he loves them so deals with it but can’t understand why I won’t restrict my activities

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ThuMuClu · 20/08/2021 20:38

My first partner after exh didn’t like my kids, we had a disastrous first holiday together (our kids were the same age and his annoyed me too but I hid it much better!) in retrospect we should have split at that point.

pommepommefrites · 20/08/2021 20:41

This post is very self-pitying yet hallmark/true movie heroine I-know-he-loves-me-so-much-he-would-choose-me-over-his-kids-and-i-have-to-be-the-bigger-person-and-not-let-him-have-that-choice. And also, I-had-to-tell-him-i-hated-his-kids-so-he-would-hate-me. I think you did the right thing op, bag his stuff,drop it outside his house and then block his number, you know for his own sake and the kids since he is so blinded by love.

gorgeousjewel · 20/08/2021 20:44

@toobusytothink

Wow you're nice

gorgeousjewel · 20/08/2021 20:46

Apologies @toobusytothink - that was directed at @pommepommefrites

Hypnoshiding · 20/08/2021 20:48

@pommepommefrites

This post is very self-pitying yet hallmark/true movie heroine I-know-he-loves-me-so-much-he-would-choose-me-over-his-kids-and-i-have-to-be-the-bigger-person-and-not-let-him-have-that-choice. And also, I-had-to-tell-him-i-hated-his-kids-so-he-would-hate-me. I think you did the right thing op, bag his stuff,drop it outside his house and then block his number, you know for his own sake and the kids since he is so blinded by love.

To be fair I can kind of see your point. If he really loved her, he wouldn't have been pushing for them all to spend time together, since he picked up on Ops uncomfortableness.

However, they have just broke up. I think its ok to a bit self indulgent and dramatic about it.

gemloving · 20/08/2021 20:50

@Moonface123

I know for a fact l don't want to parent any other children except my own , who are much older now., And l haven't ever wanted anyone else to try and parent mine. l just don't know how blended families do it. I would imagine it must be really hard if your kids are older to have to go back to a different stage of parenting again. It's a shame it didn't work.out, but you have to be honest, no point in pretending.

I agree. My children are 2 years and 3 months. I can't imagine anyone wanting to be a parent to such young children who is already past this stage with their own. It's bloody hard work 😅😂

webiwoo · 20/08/2021 20:51

@candlelightsatdawn I've never commented about this before, your free to check! If you look at my original comment I said it has affected my relationship with him! I know he was a terrible dad and we have the relationship he deserves… limited! No anger directed at OP at all, just thought I would offer a different perspective.

poloo · 20/08/2021 21:02

[quote toobusytothink]@AmyDudley the few times I’ve met his kids the youngest has always been a bit tricky. He isn’t bad - just loud and finds sharing difficult and resorts to crying to get his own way. The older one is sweet and usually gives in which I don’t think helps. Before we went I did say we may go off and do our own thing sometimes. He even explained this to his 2 saying they will want to do older kids stuff. But once we got there he got offended if I said we were taking the dogs out for example: his 2 hate going for long walks but I love it and dogs needed walking…. I think he was just a bit jealous really because would have loved to all have gone for a walk but knew his 2 sound hate it[/quote]
5 and 7 year olds might complain at the idea of it, but if they have the right clothes and shoes they usually end up really enjoying a walk and it is really good for them, and very good for regulating a 5 year olds feelings and tantrums

Anyway, I don't think you are horrible for not wanting to be step mum to two young children, but I do think that this is something you could have thought about in the last three years, I am not surprised he is annoyed, because his expectation would have been that you would realise what a 5 and 7 year old would be like and that they would be in your future, and so the fact that you committed to a holiday after 3 years would indicate to me that you knew what you were letting yourself into, and were committed to the idea of being a step mother to a 5 and 7 year old too.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:11

@poloo agreed. I think I naively thought we could keep the 2 separate and live for the 50% of the time we saw each other and that that was feasible forever… I know he has every right to be annoyed and upset. I am too

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pragmaticsanctionofbourges · 20/08/2021 21:19

Is he quite a few years younger than you OP or did he just have his children later in life?

WhereYouLeftIt · 20/08/2021 21:19

[quote toobusytothink]@meadowbleu sadly I agree. He sees how easy I have it and how much fun we were having going for walks, to the pub, paddle boarding, and wanted his 2 to be able to do the same. But they are too young! But if course he loves them so deals with it but can’t understand why I won’t restrict my activities[/quote]
It sounds to me that he is a bit of a Disney Dad (the overcompensating, the sweets, the inability to not be controlled by a 5-year-old's tantrums). He wants to be the dad his children will want to be with, and as part of that he wants to provide them with cool older 'siblings' who will take them paddle-boarding and another adult tending to their needs to play cars in the sand.

So when you won’t restrict your activities to those that are small-children-friendly and choose to take the dogs for a walk and the cool older siblings sensibly won't take them paddle-boarding because his kids are to young and they themselves are too young for that responsibility - I wonder if the realisation that he doesn't control anyone except himself came as a bit of a shock to him. And it could only come as a shock if he hadn't been paying bloody attention! You'd told him "hell no that’s definitely not up to me" when he "told me maybe I should start telling them off." But he wasn't paying attention. He saw you cooking for his children as a willingness to centre them in your world, not an avoidance of tending to them while he hid in the kitchen cooked. He was not paying attention.

And as well as not paying attention to you and your teens, he's inclined to - well, agree to stuff and the back out when he realises it'll affect him. "Before we went I did say we may go off and do our own thing sometimes. He even explained this to his 2 saying they will want to do older kids stuff. But once we got there he got offended if I said we were taking the dogs out for example:".

I really do wonder what dream of a blended family he had, which came crashing down about his ears with the reality of the holiday.

Bagamoyo1 · 20/08/2021 21:23

[quote toobusytothink]@poloo agreed. I think I naively thought we could keep the 2 separate and live for the 50% of the time we saw each other and that that was feasible forever… I know he has every right to be annoyed and upset. I am too[/quote]
You see, this is where I’m confused. Why can’t you do this? He’s not the resident parent, so he has plenty of time to spend with you when he doesn’t have his kids. 9 nights out of 14 - that’s loads!! You can have a holiday together and a holiday apart. You don’t need to fully cohabit.
Me and my partner see each other 3 times a week, only spending one whole night a week together. I don’t see his adult kids for months at a time, even years. There’s no need. I’m busy, they’re busy, there’s no need for me and his kids to be part of each other’s loves.
I can only assume you don’t love him any more, and are latching on to this inconvenience to justify that.
Just break up if you don’t want him any more.

If you do want him, then continue, but don’t spend lots of time with his kids.
It’s really not a drama.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:29

@Bagamoyo1 ironically I’ve spent the last year helping him fight for 50:50 ….. the reality is that yes at the moment it’s 9 days out of 14 which is loads but then holidays it is much less. It is him who wants us to spend more time together as one big happy family . And when my 2 go to uni I can see me wanting more and yet nothing will have changed from his side. I know I’m being incredibly selfish

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frazzledasarock · 20/08/2021 21:29

@Bagamoyo1 OP said her boyfriend wanted to blend families and wanted her more involved with the kids.

Original poster

toobusytothink · 20/08/2021 21:31

@WhereYouLeftIt yes there is definitely competitive parenting between him and his ex

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