Just ended it because I don’t like his kids

[toobusytothink]

Feeling really sad. Been with my bf for nearly 3 years. Don’t live together but he is here 9 nights out of 14 and with his kids the other 5 nights. Took it very slowly and only met his kids for first time last summer. Just back from holiday with his 2 kids (7 and 5) and my 2 kids who are teenagers. I just hated it. Just got back and he asked why I disliked his kids so much. I didn’t deny that I do and told him if that’s how he felt he should be ending things… so he has ended it. Says I’m horrible to feel that way about 2 young kids. Think that’s what I secretly hoped for. But I’m so so so so sad … and a horrible horrible person. I genuinely wanted it to work but know it can’t

@THisbackwithavengeance

It irritates me that posters have decided that this man is a shit dad because he apparently gave into a tantrum when they were on holiday.

I agree with you. Kids have tantrums. Nothing unusual about that...it's not an unknown phenomenon.

People are less patient with other people's kids, but he's not wrong to end the relationship over it.

It's clear that they annoyed you so much and it couldn't be concealed.

These different stages with kids can affect relationships. Some people don't date people with young kids, others don't like stroppy teenagers.

At your age, you'll likely be dating a guy with kids.
That doesn't mean you HAVE to play a stepmum role. The options are less with age and kids/baggage.

• Leave the parenting to him

• Don't do holidays like this again
• See him when he doesn't have his kids as much as possible.

@fuckoffImcounting

He is angry because he was grooming you to be nanny to his kids and do the wife work for him. That is why he wanted more in the relationship. Can't see why you were having to play with his kids on the beach - he can do his own parenting - but he does not want to - now he is mad as hell because you got away.

Exactly this. Which is why he's turned nasty so rapidly.

I think he did the right thing ending it. It's not going to work long term for anyone.
You are at a different life stage and don't want to do young kids things and deal with their needs. You went on holiday and you hated it and so did your teenagers so that's your answer.
It's sad when you really love him but unfortunately it's not going to work so let him go to find someone else and set yourself free to find someone more suited to you.

Agree with @ChipButties and @THisbackwithavengeance - I think he sounds like an excellent dad. How many times do blokes get slammed on here because they put a new partner's needs above being a dad?

He may need to work on firming up boundaries, being less of a soft touch - but that applies to lots of mums too. That doesn't make you a shit dad. Parenting is a massive learning curve and we all have our own style.

Ditching OP and putting his kids first is admirable.

If OP doesn't want to be around young kids, that's her prerogative. It's a massive shame if the relationship is good otherwise but young DC are hard work at times and you have to be committed to it. It's not fair for kids to grow up with a step-parent who's lukewarm to them at best. It's really sad, but this relationship doesn't have a future. OP will feel very sad for a while but she'll get over it - probably better than spending years feeling unhappy being around kids she doesn't want.

Sounds like a case of right guy, wrong time.

My dad was this dad. His partner had two children the same age as me but hated my mother so wanted nothing to do with me. My dad kept his own house so I seen him there every weekend but didn’t go on holidays, no Christmas/Easter dinners and wasn’t invited to her kids parties. I knew she couldn’t bare me, on the odd occasion that I bumped into her she tried to be breezy but I knew. 30 years on I wish my dad could of seen the damage it would do to our relationship. OP the children will know you don’t want to be part of there life and if like me, it will eventually affect how the relationship they have with their dad because he stayed with you to their exclusion.

I think it's immaterial whether he's a good dad, really. He's being a shitty partner, which is the most important consideration for OP.

@bumblingbovine49

Holidaying in a family with teenagers and young children is always going to be challenging even if they are all full siblings. I do think though that you sort of brought this on yourself. You did not honour your own feelings and make it crystal clear that you don't want your life affected by the constraints of young children anymore . If you had been clearer on your boundaries from the beginning, you might still be with your partner or alternatively perhaps you would have split up earlier .

I think it was incredibly naive of you and him to think that holiday had much chance of success without clear discussions beforehand of what was expected of everyone and what the plan was to make sure you and your teenagers had a holiday and were not burdened with responsibilities you did not want.

I think you are right to split up but you did it in a pretty hurtful way by saying you didn't like his children. That is never going to end well and hurt people often lash out. It is not even the main reason. I imagine even if they had been delightful that you still.wouldnt have wanted the constraints that younger children bring so probably would have made the same decision anyway.

I think he is probably angry that you haven't been clearer in the preceding 3 years about what you feel about having any young children in your life . I would be too.

This is my opinion too, but expressed far more eloquently.

I've just been on holiday with my 8 year old DD and omg it was stressful they start getting so demanding mine starts thinking she rules the roost. I get it you don't want to go back there OP at least you're honest better to split and not have to hide your dislike of his DC which could cause damage between their relationship.

I think at the ages they are now,you have done the right thing really .7 and 5 are the ages they will need their parents more .As you say you have been there ,done that with small DC who can be very demanding . Maybe chalk it up to experience ,and look for someone childless or with older DC.You are not horrible at all ,just looking for different things .So many people become step parents and we here all about the downsides here! Dont beat yourself up .You have dodged a bullet long term .

How did you feel about his children before the holiday, I know you say you hadn't seen a great deal of them, but was it already on your radar that the younger one could be difficult or had things been OK up until now?

I think a holiday is not an ideal way to spend the first extended amount of time with children you don;t know very well. Some children are very stressed on holiday - unfamiliar places, unfamiliar food, overtired because the youngest generally has to try to keep up with all the older people and do lots of activities and eat later than usual etc etc. It could just be that this particular child away from his mother and with essentiall another family he doesn't know veyr well got totally ovewhelmed. Fussy eating isn;t such a big deal when they are at home because its much easier to cater for it and give them nuggets if that is all they will eat.

But it's fro you to decide - I can imagine having gone through the young child stage myself, that if a child was constantly tantrumming at meal times I wouldn't want to buy into that.

I think there are possible solutions if you feel this relationship is worth working on. You stay as a couple but you don;t have a step mother role, you don't live together and he comes over when he doesn't have his kids. Or you just have occasional days out with the kids but no extended holidays.

or You put things on hold for a couple of years until the children are a bit older and they may very well be a lot easier to be around.

But if you feel you cannot do the young children thing again in any way (and it is totally different from having grandchildren) then it is best to break up for everyone concerned. It doesn't make you horrible at all, it makes you realistic and honest. It would be far worse if you didn't enjoy being with his kids but tried to put up with it and grew resentful of them.

So maybe worth talking to him to see if you can find a solution, but be clear in your mind what you do and don't want if the relationship is to continue, and I would have a good think about his nasty texts - he has shown his true colours a bit, and that would make me very cautious.

I think it's immaterial whether he's a good dad, really. He's being a shitty partner, which is the most important consideration for OP.

In my opinion, if a man is a shit partner then he stands no chance of his partner ever truly warming to his children. She might tolerate them while she tolerates a bad relationship, but he’d be very naive to think she adores his kids when he doesn’t even think much of her.

They are a package deal, after all. If he’s shit then the rest of the package ain’t gonna be much better. Sorry, but I think if a stepfamily situation is ever going to work, then the parent of the stepchildren needs to MAKE it appealing.

@webiwoo

My dad was this dad. His partner had two children the same age as me but hated my mother so wanted nothing to do with me. My dad kept his own house so I seen him there every weekend but didn’t go on holidays, no Christmas/Easter dinners and wasn’t invited to her kids parties. I knew she couldn’t bare me, on the odd occasion that I bumped into her she tried to be breezy but I knew. 30 years on I wish my dad could of seen the damage it would do to our relationship. OP the children will know you don’t want to be part of there life and if like me, it will eventually affect how the relationship they have with their dad because he stayed with you to their exclusion.

I’m sorry this woman was so unkind and you were hurt. I don’t think this is the same as op. She just doesn’t want to do the kid stage again or blend the families. Your dad’s partner rejected you as an extension of your mother.

@pickingdaisies

ballsdeep maybe it took a holiday for her to realise just how incompatible the two families were. Especially since he was evading the issue and pushing for a closer relationship. She loved him, so don't be an arse.

I'm not being an arse thanks but surely having a relationship with someone long term with young kids isn't the thing to do of you don't want a partner with young kids!

@toobusytothink

He told me maybe I should start telling them off. I said hell no that’s definitely not up to me.

I think this could be crux. He’s hoping you’ll shoulder some responsibility for them. Your response blew that notion out of the water.

It was a very good response btw.

@webiwoo I would never let that happen. That is exactly why I think we need to split - for the sake of his boys. I would never let him choose me over them even if he wanted to (and he wouldn’t because he is a great and loving dad). I’m sorry for what you went through.

@AmyDudley the few times I’ve met his kids the youngest has always been a bit tricky. He isn’t bad - just loud and finds sharing difficult and resorts to crying to get his own way. The older one is sweet and usually gives in which I don’t think helps. Before we went I did say we may go off and do our own thing sometimes. He even explained this to his 2 saying they will want to do older kids stuff. But once we got there he got offended if I said we were taking the dogs out for example: his 2 hate going for long walks but I love it and dogs needed walking…. I think he was just a bit jealous really because would have loved to all have gone for a walk but knew his 2 sound hate it

@Mummyoflittledragon I didn’t know it was because of my mum then & bf children probably won’t know it’s because of the age difference but they will know dads gf has chosen to exclude them and their dad has facilitated it. OP is 100% entitled to do that but in the long run it will be damaging to all concerned even if done unintentionally. Best to cut & run now.

You did the right thing OP.

I met DH when my DSC were 3 and 5. I was ready for a family and therefore went wholeheartedly into the step-parenting role and enjoyed the first few years of soft play, Disney etc. It became harder when I had my own DC as two babies in the mix with two older children brought its challenges. I know now that I am more than done with the early years having done it 4 times and if I was to split from DH I would never be able to do those years again.

I really feel for you all op. For what it’s worth I think you have a good sense of self awareness. You are able to face the reality that you don’t want to do this stage of child development and child care again, despite the pain you’ll (and they’ll) feel. That’s not easy to do. In the end it will be in everyone’s best interest including the children’s.

Before the holiday we used to only see each other when he didn’t have his kids but in the last few months he has been asking to come over when he has them. Think I resented it a bit because I knew one was super fussy so I had all the stress of getting food he might like. My bf would offer to cook but then that left me looking after his kids so I chose to cook instead. So I think I started feeling like this in the lead up to the holiday and was already anxious about it

You've done the right thing op

@toobusytothink you are definitely not a bad person for feeling like this and are doing the right thing voicing your unhappiness now before a disastrous attempt at a blended family your heart really isn’t in.

Op. Fwiw everyone has commented you have made the right decision.. You honestly have and you have nothing to feel bad about. You deserve to be happy.
Considering mumsnet is a vipers nest when it comes to step mums, I would say you're one of the good ones x

This is the downside of the whole MN philosophy of not letting a new partner meet the children for ages. When a year is considered WAY too soon, there comes a massive investment in the relationship in the very very very long period before partner and life meet, and next thing you know, three years have been wasted.

Had OP met them after six months or so, this wouldn't have been such a drama.

...before partner and KIDS meet

sorry