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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband is always trying to dump his daughter on me

140 replies

Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 14:11

This is just a bit of a rant and I feel like I need pointers on how to tackle this or how to deal with my feelings.

My husband has a 12 year old DD and together we have an almost 2 year old and I'm 33 weeks pregnant.

We're having some work done on our house and staying elsewhere and husband has taken it upon himself to spend weekends "supervising" this work blah blah.

He's always been like this we've been married four years, and he will literally do anything to get off one to one time with his daughter, or so it feels. So this weekend I asked him to make arrangements for his daughter to go to a cousins/his mums/anyone but me and he agreed, but he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow.

I just get fed up - it's so hard keeping a toddler and a moody rude pre teen entertained and he always pulls a fast one like this on me. He knows I'm not going to kick up a fuss in front of her and refuse to have her, and he has such a canny way of making me feel guilty. Some weekends I just want to mind my own son though and do something alone with him not be used as free child care. Ugh.

OP posts:
excelledyourself · 13/08/2021 15:06

OP, ask him how he thinks it must look to his daughter, and everyone else, the fact that he doesn't spend time with her. She will notice.

My DS was younger than that when he asked me what the point was of going to Dad's when he wasn't even there (Dad was choosing to work those nights, leaving DS with now SM). Ex did stop when i pointed out that DS was the one picking up on it.

toocold54 · 13/08/2021 15:18

That is really unfair on his poor daughter and you. I assume he only has her weekends?

Have you said to him - why do you make plans when it’s your only chance to see your DD?

RedMarauder · 13/08/2021 15:19

OP you are lucky the child is 12 so it is safe to leave her on her own for a few hours in the day.

As PPs said tell him you are going out to do something for a few hours so won't be around when she arrives, and then don't come back for at least 3 hours after her scheduled arrival time.

stayathomer · 13/08/2021 15:21

Poor girl. Everybody trying to get out of having her. No wonder she is moody.
This.

stayathomer · 13/08/2021 15:23

Sorry I pressed post too soon. People are giving you a lot of skirting around the issue solution. You need to talk to him and tell him she needs love and time and a parent. If you have to argue, you argue

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/08/2021 15:25

You need to make plans every single time and follow up.

Wheretobuy · 13/08/2021 15:25

And you have had two children with this man? Why?

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/08/2021 15:26

@GetTaeFuck

So you had DC with him knowing he’s a shit Dad? These threads fucking baffle me.
This.
EllieStartingOver · 13/08/2021 15:29

And this is what will happen with your kids and his next unsuspecting victim should you ever split up.

What a prince amongst men. Definitely have more children with him.

LolaSmiles · 13/08/2021 15:30

None of this is the childs fault - am sure she does not enjoy coming to a house where her father never is and her SM obviously can not stand her.
That's really uncalled for.
The OP hasn't said or done anything to suggest that.
She wants her husband to step up and actually parent his kids instead of doing what some men do and pass it all go the women in their lives.

HyacynthBucket · 13/08/2021 15:33

Go out and don't be there when he expects you to. He is taking you totally for granted, which won't improve unless you stand up for yourself. His poor daughter is his responsibility. I hope there is a way for him to take more interest, and spend more time with her.

NotWanting · 13/08/2021 15:47

Least you know what he will be like with your children if you ever break up.

Stop tolerating it. Go out. Say no before SD gets there.

MoreAloneTime · 13/08/2021 15:52

Obviously he's a shit dad but at 12 does she really need you to entertain her? Can't she just watch TV and play on the computer all day with snack and toilet breaks like I did at that age?

candlelightsatdawn · 13/08/2021 15:53

Ahh look instead of offering advice let's shame the person asking for help by saying - why did you have children with him if the children are already here and OP is pregnant. Like she can do anything about it now. Well done - we have hit new levels or ignorance. Shall we try to be slightly nicer to a OP who's heavily pregnant and for all we know DH wasn't always like this until he managed to knock her up. Wouldn't be the first time either it's happened.

OP hasn't ever said she doesn't want SD there she's said she wants DH to parent. His SD are solely on him.

Only sentiment I agree with that PP is DH needs a good kicking. A SP isn't a substitute parent when the actual parents decide to nope out. That's not what a SP is for and the only person that benefits it's DH and everyone else suffers.

Speak to DH. Start being busy really busy, and saying sorry I can't I have plans.

Just because someone makes you out to be a bad person for saying no doesn't mean you have to accept that as fact.

Mybalconyiscracking · 13/08/2021 15:55

Christ, no wonder she is sulky, poor little girl.

Howshouldibehave · 13/08/2021 15:56

he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow

What does this actually mean? What did he say and what did you reply?

He sounds like a very lazy parent. I would be telling him to stop disappearing at weekends-I’m sure if there are tradespeople in the house, they’d rather he wasn’t there! He also knows you won’t have a go at him in front of her, so do it now before he gets home.

dworky · 13/08/2021 15:58

Apart from the fact he uses you, he is neglecting his poor young child.

What do you see in him?

BeautyGoesToBenidorm · 13/08/2021 16:05

A few years ago, I worked in a tattoo studio that had a lot of clients from the local alternative club scene. The shop itself was fairly new, and there was a club night tied in with promoting it, as they were a few doors down from each other.

STBXH asked me if I'd mind staying home with his 12yo, so HE could go because his twat mates were going - never mind that the tattoo studio was MY workplace, and it was his rare contact weekend with his son.

He received a robust "Fuck off".

Original poster
Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 16:13

Argh - to all questioning why I married him /had kids with him I understand your sentiment. Looking at it written down I do agree my husband is a bit of an arsehole on the while fatherhood front. These are different circumstances to normal, mainly because of not being in our usual home, extensive building work that's carrying on at weekends etc so his lazy parenting is under a microscope.
But I get all your point, sometimes I fantasize about how different life could have been too - but here we are.

Normally he is a bit of a "laid-back" dad - it took a long time for him to get the memo when our baby was born that his days of lie ins and long sits on the toilet pondering life were behind him. In hindsight he's always been lazy where his DD is concerned - before me I think his mum did a lot of the donkey work, and then over time that load has transferred to me. I don't think he has a great bond with her and has found it more difficult as she's got older, because pre teen girls are hard work and he's not a fan of hard work.

The problem with me making myself scarce/going out is that he will be up and out the door before 8, I think in some ways to ensure I can't refuse, as it's almost impossible to get myself and the toddler up and out by that time to anywhere that's open.

By landing I mean he will just turn up this evening at a random time, may or may not have eaten so may ask me to cook again, and my toddler will be in bed so I can't exactly flit.

I don't dislike my step daughter, and would always make sure she didn't pick up any vibe that I'm annoyed, as I'm not cruel and don't want her to feel unwelcome. Problem is my husband knows this too ...and so is able to make swift get aways knowing I won't kick off in front of her. I just don't want to look after her. I want to take my son to the park, bring him back, get him down for a nap and nap too. Just seems to much to ask Confused

I think I just need a safe space to vent, I feel taken for granted, I get frustrated that he doesn't want to "put on" to his relatives eg his mum but it's fine to dump on his super pregnant wife. I get annoyed that he hasn't got the balls to say to his daughters mum could he do another night due to his commitments. I think he thinks that if he asks his mum she will question why I'm not having her...god forbid she'd just take her for an evening to lessen the load on me Hmm

OP posts:
Wheretobuy · 13/08/2021 16:18

The problem with me making myself scarce/going out is that he will be up and out the door before 8, I think in some ways to ensure I can't refuse, as it's almost impossible to get myself and the toddler up and out by that time to anywhere that's open.
Tell him firmly that you will leave house at 9.00 am or whatever time and that his daughter will be alone at home then. Do not be a doormat.

MoreAloneTime · 13/08/2021 16:18

Why can't the 12 year old stay home alone? Are there additional needs?

And tell him to fuck off asking you to cook again. I'm sure he can use an oven

hifidelityhi · 13/08/2021 16:21

Stop being a doormat - message him back saying look forward to seeing you later and don't forget I'm busy tomorrow so what have you got planned for all the DC? And even if it means getting up and out the door at 7am just bloody go no need to sort DC if he's got them for the day. Seriously there are so many of these posts where men just carry on doing whatever the fuck they like and leave all the childcare to their wives who moan on here but do nothing except enable this shitty behaviour. So he comes home at a time that suits him and may or may not want dinner - WTF? are we in the 1950's!? By all means cook dinner but not because he demands it. Have some self respect woman.

Pastrydame · 13/08/2021 16:23

OP you don't really need to be up and out with the toddler - you could be out alone, and let him spend some decent weekend time with both his children. I'm sure you need some shopping for the baby or have to buy more pregnacare or something Smile

StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 16:23

Start sending him an invoice everytime he dumps her on you.

You'd think he would want to see his own child.

Pastrydame · 13/08/2021 16:24

Though I assume him being at your home in some way supports the building work and helps you all get back into your normal home sooner? But doesn't that just need to be an hour a day perhaps, not the whole weekend?