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Original poster

Husband is always trying to dump his daughter on me

140 replies

Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 14:11

This is just a bit of a rant and I feel like I need pointers on how to tackle this or how to deal with my feelings.

My husband has a 12 year old DD and together we have an almost 2 year old and I'm 33 weeks pregnant.

We're having some work done on our house and staying elsewhere and husband has taken it upon himself to spend weekends "supervising" this work blah blah.

He's always been like this we've been married four years, and he will literally do anything to get off one to one time with his daughter, or so it feels. So this weekend I asked him to make arrangements for his daughter to go to a cousins/his mums/anyone but me and he agreed, but he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow.

I just get fed up - it's so hard keeping a toddler and a moody rude pre teen entertained and he always pulls a fast one like this on me. He knows I'm not going to kick up a fuss in front of her and refuse to have her, and he has such a canny way of making me feel guilty. Some weekends I just want to mind my own son though and do something alone with him not be used as free child care. Ugh.

OP posts:
Ionlydomassiveones · 13/08/2021 20:11

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Starseeking · 13/08/2021 21:46

Although he has grumbled he has taken her to his mums

Offloading his DD onto another willing woman to do all the work. Oh well, at least it's not you OP, given your current condition.

He must have some other redeeming features, as he really doesn't seem to be embracing family life.

bogoffmda · 13/08/2021 22:48

"it's so hard keeping a toddler and a moody rude pre teen entertained and he always pulls a fast one like this on me."

The comment is completely justified - the OP resents the child because of the actions of the father. If i was the child I would know it and not be happy and moody.

Am not blaming the OP - I would be pissed off with my DH if he was doing the same to me but this is long stadning behaviour and the OP has chosed to haev 2 children with the selfish wanker.

Luckily only 6 years till the SDC ( poor kid) is out of the house.

I think the Op has probably now realised why the DH has an EX in the first place

bitcheeky · 14/08/2021 02:54

Oh OP he sounds awful. So sorry. I couldn’t live like this.

Your DH should be taking both DSD and your toddler out to get a bit of rest! Men have no idea how exhausting pregnancy is.

Does this affect how you see your future with him?

JulesCobb · 14/08/2021 04:04

@Starseeking

Although he has grumbled he has taken her to his mums

Offloading his DD onto another willing woman to do all the work. Oh well, at least it's not you OP, given your current condition.

He must have some other redeeming features, as he really doesn't seem to be embracing family life.

I was going to say the same. He really believes childcare is women's work and is not going to do it himself.
timeisnotaline · 14/08/2021 04:10

Just for the future - you don’t have to make him food no matter what time he gets in! Also, say he leaves early, you could just drop her at the house where he is, say you’re off on a baby play date but she can go see what her dad is up to at tre house and maybe input to plans for her room. She’s old enough to be trusted on the site and it’s a better solution than your dhs Mum since, you know, he’s her actual father. His leaving first doesnt have to be a get out of jail free card.

ItsDinah · 14/08/2021 07:41

Are you sure he is actually on site supervising works? With a history of alcoholism,I'd be making surprise visits to the site. I hate to be gloomy but the majority of alcoholics never fully recover , need a lot of support and can't be depended on to nurture others. Your husband must be under huge stress staying teetotal with a 3 year old,a new baby on the way, a 12 year old, a major house project and long hours at work. He's not the man you thought or want him to be and it's unlikely he'll change. Focussing on the 12 year old seems a bit like re-arranging the deckchairs on the Titanic.

Beefcurtains79 · 14/08/2021 07:59

Why are you having another child with this utter loser?

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2021 08:17

Why do people keep asking the op why her children exist? Hmm

GreatAuntEmily · 14/08/2021 08:34

the behaviour towards you and DH might come back to bite you when she is older. Feeling unloved could lead to some very difficult problems for her in the future. And these will effect how she is in the home with you and your DCs
I'm not saying bow to DH's laziness but do try to eg offer her the chance to come to yours for the latter part of the day or to do something with her another time.

candlelightsatdawn · 14/08/2021 08:50

@GreatAuntEmily op has at no point said she's not willing to spend time with DSC.

She's literally said she spends all of DH contact time with DSC and DH disappears off leaving her with all the children on his contact time.

He is the one who it will come bite it the tail. You can't force him to parent and it sounds like on some level she's trying to make things better for DSC

KeyboardWorriers · 14/08/2021 08:52

Honestly op this isn't a relationship at all. Value yourself enough not to put up with this.

KeyboardWorriers · 14/08/2021 08:52

If you can't speak up and be listened to, then there is nothing healthy about your set up.

JulesCobb · 14/08/2021 09:46

@funinthesun19

Why do people keep asking the op why her children exist? Hmm
They are asking why she chose to have them with a violent alcoholic who she knew was a terrible father.
jimmyjammy001 · 14/08/2021 10:33

I get that your looking for support from people, but the reality is and I'm sure you know is that you need to take some responsibility for the situation your in, you have seen the warning signs over the years about his parenting but still married and had children with him, this is normal for him to offload his responsibilitys onto you, this is obviously what he has been doing his whole life, unfortunately it's to late now that you have children together and if he's not willing to accept or change your a bit stuck long term and guess will just have to put up with it or move on. These are all very common problems within blended family's. Sorry for being so blunt.

pinkyredrose · 14/08/2021 10:56

Did he want children?

Have you ever asked him why he had them if he never wants to be around them?

pinkyredrose · 14/08/2021 11:02

Oh gosh according to other threads you left him last year.

Why did you go back?

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2021 11:17

They are asking why she chose to have them with a violent alcoholic who she knew was a terrible father.

Still unbelievably holier than thou and unhelpful towards the op and let’s face it, these posters who ask aren’t expecting an explanation. It’s a rhetorical question that holds absolutely no use for the op.
And it’s RUDE too. You do realise her children are her children too, not just his? Your comments will be obviously be said without any emotional connection to the children so it’s easy for you to imply that they shouldn’t exist. But despite everything they are her children and she loves them, so how about we all pipe down with the judgement?

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2021 11:21

And let me be clear too. Advising the op not to have any more children with him in the future is perfectly fine!

Saying her living breathing children were big mistakes is very different.

Dragon50 · 14/08/2021 11:24

@funinthesun19 I think it is a question that should probably be kept to oneself but I think most people wonder the same in such situations.

However, it may be useful so the OP doesn’t lumber any more children with a violent alcoholic father.

Both parents have made a choice to do this and it’s just devastating to be honest because of the long term damage to the children.

The OP has experienced what he is like as a father and partner, it’s not a great legacy to pass on to yet another child.

funinthesun19 · 14/08/2021 11:27

However, it may be useful so the OP doesn’t lumber any more children with a violent alcoholic father.

Then you say,
“I really advise you not to have any more children with him. Focus on moving on and getting away from him permanently.”

Much more constructive and helpful.

Dragon50 · 14/08/2021 11:30

Ok boss

MzHz · 14/08/2021 12:00

A small victory for now, maybe at some point this decade he will get the message. Live in hope

Well tbf @Missboo1 he DIDN’T “get it” in a decade and a bit of having had his dd… and didn’t “get it” even when his first marriage/relationship with dsd mum failed.

He’s not going to get it.

This issue is the tip of the iceberg that’s going to sink you. Be smart, make plans and protect yourself.

Nobody else is going to, that’s clear. :(

youvegottenminuteslynn · 14/08/2021 12:07

By landing I mean he will just turn up this evening at a random time, may or may not have eaten so may ask me to cook again, and my toddler will be in bed so I can't exactly flit.

He can't even cook a meal himself? Or he just (clearly) sees childcare and cooking as women's work? What a dickhead this bloke is.

Howshouldibehave · 14/08/2021 12:09

Do you offer to cook for him or does he ask? What does he actually say-I think you need to rehearse some stock responses to these really unreasonable requests!