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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband is always trying to dump his daughter on me

140 replies

Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 14:11

This is just a bit of a rant and I feel like I need pointers on how to tackle this or how to deal with my feelings.

My husband has a 12 year old DD and together we have an almost 2 year old and I'm 33 weeks pregnant.

We're having some work done on our house and staying elsewhere and husband has taken it upon himself to spend weekends "supervising" this work blah blah.

He's always been like this we've been married four years, and he will literally do anything to get off one to one time with his daughter, or so it feels. So this weekend I asked him to make arrangements for his daughter to go to a cousins/his mums/anyone but me and he agreed, but he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow.

I just get fed up - it's so hard keeping a toddler and a moody rude pre teen entertained and he always pulls a fast one like this on me. He knows I'm not going to kick up a fuss in front of her and refuse to have her, and he has such a canny way of making me feel guilty. Some weekends I just want to mind my own son though and do something alone with him not be used as free child care. Ugh.

OP posts:
Tinkerbellfluffyboots79 · 13/08/2021 14:15

Go out
Tell him you’ve got other plans and keep doing it so he has to sort out looking after her/doing stuff with her himself. Why is he having more kids if he doesn’t spend any time with those he has? I couldn’t be bothered with someone like that but I also wouldn’t allow it to happen, tell him he needs to step up, be present and father his kids, spend time with you and even take your son out so you can rest or whatever, even do something the 3 of you.

Aimee1987 · 13/08/2021 14:24

I second tinkerbell. Sign up for a toddler class or something, sorry no 12 year olds allowed.
If it's a regular occurrence and your unhappy I would say a serious conversation is needed.
Also start leaving the toddler and teen with dad to make him realise how hard it can be. Go out shopping ( and stop by a coffee shop with a good book while your out) and leave him to deal with it.

GreatAuntEmily · 13/08/2021 14:28

Move back into the house - this is not on.

CallMeNutribullet · 13/08/2021 14:29

What a shit father he is. His poor DD

DelphiniumBlue · 13/08/2021 14:29

What does "landing after work" mean?
Anyway, he could take his DD with him to "supervise works", no reason for her to stay in with you.
You arent obliged to look after her, and as you haven't even offered, it's not ok for him to assume it's ok. Tell him no, then go out.
If you don't stand up for yourself he will continue to walk all over you. Being pregnant with a young child puts you in a vulnerable position and he is taking advantage.

Darthwader · 13/08/2021 14:31

Poor girl. Everybody trying to get out of having her. No wonder she is moody.

I'd tell him to stop going away for the weekend and to do his share of looking after all his DC.

Themadcatparade · 13/08/2021 14:31

This is unfortunately a regular thread starter on the step parenting forums. Put your food down Op. start telling him no.

Or you go ‘supervise’ the house and leave him with the children.

ParityJ · 13/08/2021 14:33

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.

thenewduchessofhastings · 13/08/2021 14:37

@ParityJ

It's has nothing to do with the OP not liking her step daughter it's about her husband being a lazy father and not stepping up to spend time with his own child during the limited time he has her.

He could be there;he chooses not to.

Themadcatparade · 13/08/2021 14:38

There is a difference between the step mother genuinely not liking her DPs child and the DP taking the piss by not claiming his own responsibility for his child and putting it on another family member.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 14:38

Stop putting up with it!

You’ve let him behave like this for four years and nearly two additional children. Why have you done that?

If he’s going to back pedal and take the piss you need to make yourself unavailable to have her. She’s there primarily to see her dad. If he wasn’t with you he’d find a way to manage so you need to start making him.

A rant won’t make for feel better for long.

Stop being a mug. He clearly couldn’t give a fuck about inconveniencing you or offloading his older child so why should you feel bad about developing some basic standards and putting your foot down.

I wouldn’t have had a child with my husband if he was so useless about parenting his existing kids. You’ve knowingly added to your own workload and given your children a father who is lazy, entitled, disengaged and doesn’t seem to care about spending time with them. My sympathy is with them and their older sister.

Stop pandering to his bullshit immediately or leave.

bloodywhitecat · 13/08/2021 14:39

@ParityJ

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.
If a husband of mine spent every weekend avoiding his daughter and family he wouldn't be a husband of mine for much longer.
AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 14:41

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk guidelines.

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 14:42

Poor girl. Everybody trying to get out of having her. No wonder she is moody.

Poor girl. Her own father is trying to get out of having her.

Pastrydame · 13/08/2021 14:43

Poor kid. Maybe she could go with him?
Or spend some of his money OP and buy her a switch and animal crossing, that would get you at least a free day Sad

Pastrydame · 13/08/2021 14:43

That was meant to be a Smile!

olidora63 · 13/08/2021 14:45

I can understand why you are getting so fed up but equally I feel really sorry for the 12 year old . She will pick up on the fact that she is not welcome and your husband needs to step up and be a supportive caring Dad . 12 is a very vulnerable age . It is difficult for you because of the age difference between the two children…husband needs to understand that !!

Fiddliestofsticks · 13/08/2021 14:46

@ParityJ

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.
You have spectacularly missed the actual problem here.

If you treat your kids the way this man is treating his then you are a massively shit parent. Just like this guy. Which is the entire point.

Kithic · 13/08/2021 14:46

How will he treat your children?

Sounds like he is avoiding all of his DC - because if he is not at home for his DD, then he's not at home for your DC...

Kithic · 13/08/2021 14:47

@ParityJ

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.
Wrong way round - OP wants DH to spend time with his DD (and probably her as well)
Branleuse · 13/08/2021 14:50

@ParityJ

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.
what relevence does that have. Nowhere does OP suggest she doesnt like the child. Doesnt mean she has to look after her all the time
LolaSmiles · 13/08/2021 14:50

If he's been like this for years then he is a selfish arse who knows you will tolerate it.

I'm all about step parents accepting that looking after step children is part of the territory, but he is taking the piss. He's yet another father who conveniently occupies himself to avoid parenting.

There's a much bigger issue at play here than the logistics of your step-daughter though. Here is a man who can't be arsed to parent his existing children and has another on the way. You're going to need to put your foot down soon OP otherwise you'll be doing it all with a newborn.

bogoffmda · 13/08/2021 15:02

He is your problem but then I question why you have had DCS with him?

None of this is the childs fault - am sure she does not enjoy coming to a house where her father never is and her SM obviously can not stand her.

excelledyourself · 13/08/2021 15:03

@bogoffmda

He is your problem but then I question why you have had DCS with him?

None of this is the childs fault - am sure she does not enjoy coming to a house where her father never is and her SM obviously can not stand her.

Quite a leap you've made there!
GetTaeFuck · 13/08/2021 15:05

So you had DC with him knowing he’s a shit Dad? These threads fucking baffle me.

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