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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband is always trying to dump his daughter on me

140 replies

Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 14:11

This is just a bit of a rant and I feel like I need pointers on how to tackle this or how to deal with my feelings.

My husband has a 12 year old DD and together we have an almost 2 year old and I'm 33 weeks pregnant.

We're having some work done on our house and staying elsewhere and husband has taken it upon himself to spend weekends "supervising" this work blah blah.

He's always been like this we've been married four years, and he will literally do anything to get off one to one time with his daughter, or so it feels. So this weekend I asked him to make arrangements for his daughter to go to a cousins/his mums/anyone but me and he agreed, but he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow.

I just get fed up - it's so hard keeping a toddler and a moody rude pre teen entertained and he always pulls a fast one like this on me. He knows I'm not going to kick up a fuss in front of her and refuse to have her, and he has such a canny way of making me feel guilty. Some weekends I just want to mind my own son though and do something alone with him not be used as free child care. Ugh.

OP posts:
StarDrawers · 13/08/2021 16:24

The problem with me making myself scarce/going out is that he will be up and out the door before 8, I think in some ways to ensure I can't refuse, as it's almost impossible to get myself and the toddler up and out by that time to anywhere that's open.

Leave the toddler with him then? Go have a nice day out with friends/shopping/day trip somewhere.

Goldbar · 13/08/2021 16:26

Why take the toddler with you?

Do a silent flit at 7am to the nearest cafe before the toddler wakes, message your DH and tell him "It's Daddy bonding day today. I'll supervise at the house. Back at 8pm after bath and bedtime tonight."

If you can "parent" both DC, then he can as well.

Fiddliestofsticks · 13/08/2021 16:26

You have a voice, Op. Use it.

If you're saying that he would still up and leave with no regard for you, and no interest in spending time with his children, even after you say everything you have said here then you have bigger problems than him being a shitty father. He's also a shitty husband... and you've carried on having kids with him. Bravo.

BlackAmericanoNoSugar · 13/08/2021 16:33

Once he's gone send him a text at about 11 am saying "I'm dropping DSD off to you at about 12, you and she can have a lovely lunch together and you can show her how the renovations are going". Don't respond to any texts, drop her off, wave merrily and say "see you both at dinner time".

Annasgirl · 13/08/2021 16:34

@Goldbar

Why take the toddler with you?

Do a silent flit at 7am to the nearest cafe before the toddler wakes, message your DH and tell him "It's Daddy bonding day today. I'll supervise at the house. Back at 8pm after bath and bedtime tonight."

If you can "parent" both DC, then he can as well.

This - OP, stand up for yourself.
NoSquirrels · 13/08/2021 16:35

So this weekend I asked him to make arrangements for his daughter to go to a cousins/his mums/anyone but me and he agreed, but he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow.

I get that you don’t want to make your DSD feel unwelcome so don’t want to have the row when she’s there but you could, immediately, text him back and say

DH, what’s the plan for the weekend, then? Because I thought you were arranging for me to have the weekend off looking after DSD? Is she still going to your mum’s/whoever? If not, will you be staying home or are you taking DSD with you to the house? I am exhausted and a bit fed up and I can’t look after all the DC this weekend.’

2021V2 · 13/08/2021 16:36

He's not just avoiding his elder DC but the younger one. Tell him on Sunday I'm off out for the day -don't forget I did all the parenting today -you are doing it tomorrow.

Goldbar · 13/08/2021 16:40

If you have a joint account, you could also start taking his DD on some very expensive days out. I'm thinking zoos, theme parks etc. Maybe ask her to invite a friend. Or a spa day with you and leave toddler with babysitter. If he gets cross about the amount of money you're spending, tell him you feel sorry for her since neither of her parents will spend time with her.

2021V2 · 13/08/2021 16:40

@NoSquirrels

So this weekend I asked him to make arrangements for his daughter to go to a cousins/his mums/anyone but me and he agreed, but he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow.

I get that you don’t want to make your DSD feel unwelcome so don’t want to have the row when she’s there but you could, immediately, text him back and say

DH, what’s the plan for the weekend, then? Because I thought you were arranging for me to have the weekend off looking after DSD? Is she still going to your mum’s/whoever? If not, will you be staying home or are you taking DSD with you to the house? I am exhausted and a bit fed up and I can’t look after all the DC this weekend.’

Yes this actually but I would text this :

DH, what’s the plan for the weekend, then? Because I thought you were arranging for me to have the weekend off ? Who is looking after DSD & DC? Is she still going to your mum’s/whoever? If not, are you taking DC with you to the house? I am exhausted and a bit fed up and I can’t look after all the DC this weekend. You need to step up not just this weekend but every weekend. Stop dumping all the parenting on me and be a parent yourself I will be out on Sat / Sun / resting and from now on do not 'assume all parenting falls to me' assume you are doing it unless we agree anything different.’

hifidelityhi · 13/08/2021 16:41

Write what @NoSquirrels said but leave off the last sentence so just:
DH, what’s the plan for the weekend, then? Because I thought you were arranging for me to have the weekend off looking after DSD? Is she still going to your mum’s/whoever? If not, will you be staying home or are you taking DSD with you to the house?

2021V2 · 13/08/2021 16:42

@StarDrawers

The problem with me making myself scarce/going out is that he will be up and out the door before 8, I think in some ways to ensure I can't refuse, as it's almost impossible to get myself and the toddler up and out by that time to anywhere that's open.

Leave the toddler with him then? Go have a nice day out with friends/shopping/day trip somewhere.

If he does this and does an early morning flit -take them and drop them off. And say 'you parenting today and every day until further notice or you have an agreement / adult discussion with me about responsibilities' He needs to parent. Every day.
Cattitudes · 13/08/2021 16:47

If you are in the town she lives in maybe see if she wants to meet up with her friends, give her a tenner and drop her in town.

Yourstupidityexhaustsme · 13/08/2021 16:51

Book tickets to something selling out for you and your son. Leave first thing this is his issue.

Then once she has gone you tell him how fucking terrible a father/husband he is and if you don’t see a marked improvement in his attitude towards spending time with his family then you won’t be a family for much longer. You and the children deserve better than someone who actively avoids them.

TiredButDancing · 13/08/2021 16:52

He's also dumping the 3 year old on yo. Clearly he doesn't feel his responsibilities as a father are particularly important or need to be prioritised.

Disfordarkchocolate · 13/08/2021 16:52

Tomorrow, get up early. Leave the house before him and let him experience the joys of juggling more than one child. With a bit of planning you can out of the house in 15 minutes and toddler free.

LatteLady · 13/08/2021 17:00

When he arrives home tonight, you start with, "What are your plans for tomorrow, as I have various things I set up for tomorrow, so I won't be up for childcare?"

Then turn to DSD and say, "I wonder what your dad has arranged, I know he was really looking forward to being with you all... I bet he will have a surprise or two already planned."

Then waft off muttering, " I wonder what they will all get up to?"

SaltySheepdog · 13/08/2021 17:06

Great idea, just taking yourself off at 7am and telling him you’re monitoring the house renovations and going out for lunch

Bookaholic73 · 13/08/2021 17:15

You feel taken for granted because you ARE BEING taken for granted.

You need to sit down with him and tell him straight that she is HIS daughter and so she should spend EVERY contact weekend with him.

Notaroadrunner · 13/08/2021 17:17

You've really landed a shit husband and shit father for your kids. He has very little respect for you if he blatantly disregards your request not to be left looking after dsd. You don't need to get up before him tomorrow. You just need to tell him this evening that you are not available to look after his dd this weekend, so he either stays to be with her, or he organises someone else to mind her given he can't be arsed himself. You are a complete mug to put up with his lazy attitude to parenting and to have him expect you to cook again if he hasn't eaten before returning home. Let him sort his own bloody dinner. If he gets up in the morning and thinks he can leave, you need to call dsd and tell her she's going with him. If you continue to put up with him leaving dsd with you, then he's just going to keep doing it. It's unfair on you and it's even more unfair on her.

frazzledasarock · 13/08/2021 17:18

Leave super early leave behind toddler too. Message him from your house that your ‘supervising’ the building work this weekend.

He’s taking advantage because you let him.

And because he’s a dick and sounds like a crap father and husband frankly.

Bookaholic73 · 13/08/2021 17:19

I couldn’t get up and put the door by 8am while I was heavily pregnant with a toddler in tow.
And nor should you have to be. You just need to TELL him that he needs to step up to his parental responsibilities.

Suprima · 13/08/2021 17:22

What was he like about 3 years ago, OP?

toocold54 · 13/08/2021 17:23

I think I just need a safe space to vent, I feel taken for granted, I get frustrated that he doesn't want to "put on" to his relatives eg his mum but it's fine to dump on his super pregnant wife. I get annoyed that he hasn't got the balls to say to his daughters mum could he do another night due to his commitments. I think he thinks that if he asks his mum she will question why I'm not having her...god forbid she'd just take her for an evening to lessen the load on me

You sound like a lovely person who loves your SDD but you are being taken for granted.
As you’ve said his mum did a lot and now he’s found you to take her place.
You say he doesn’t ask her mum or his relatives but she shouldn’t because it’s his daughter and he should rearrange his plans to see her.

I feel like you are being treated a bit of a mug and you need to start putting your foot down a bit. I hope you don’t do all of the cooking and cleaning too?

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 17:25

She says

He's always been like this we've been married four years, and he will literally do anything to get off one to one time with his daughter

So consistently pretty shit.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 13/08/2021 17:30

If I recall he is also a violent alcoholic who you have left in the past.

I think it's probably time to call time on it for good.

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