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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Husband is always trying to dump his daughter on me

140 replies

Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 14:11

This is just a bit of a rant and I feel like I need pointers on how to tackle this or how to deal with my feelings.

My husband has a 12 year old DD and together we have an almost 2 year old and I'm 33 weeks pregnant.

We're having some work done on our house and staying elsewhere and husband has taken it upon himself to spend weekends "supervising" this work blah blah.

He's always been like this we've been married four years, and he will literally do anything to get off one to one time with his daughter, or so it feels. So this weekend I asked him to make arrangements for his daughter to go to a cousins/his mums/anyone but me and he agreed, but he has just text to say they'll be landing after work so I KNOW that his daughter is dumped on me tomorrow.

I just get fed up - it's so hard keeping a toddler and a moody rude pre teen entertained and he always pulls a fast one like this on me. He knows I'm not going to kick up a fuss in front of her and refuse to have her, and he has such a canny way of making me feel guilty. Some weekends I just want to mind my own son though and do something alone with him not be used as free child care. Ugh.

OP posts:
aerosocks · 13/08/2021 17:31

She's 12. He can take her with him to the other house if he doesn't want her at home alone.

MadeForThis · 13/08/2021 17:32

Of he disappears in the morning then just drop his daughter over to him and go out for the day. Let him keep her occupied.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2021 17:32

The 'supervising' of the work, is really him ducking and diving to get out of spending time with the kids.

Tbh, you could do with him looking after the toddler as well and giving you a rest.

Does this supervising really need to be an all day affair?

I think you should tell him... I'm a calm manner that it would be nice if he could spend some time with his DD over the weekend. That's the purpose of visitation.

aiwblam · 13/08/2021 17:33

Crap husband, crap father, crap person.
Trampling on others through life.
Don’t know what the answers is, other than to directly tell him that your love for him is being killed by his lack of care for his 12yo and the fact that he is absenting himself from family life.

SandyY2K · 13/08/2021 17:34

Typo

*IN a nice calm manner

AnneLovesGilbert · 13/08/2021 17:35

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz

If I recall he is also a violent alcoholic who you have left in the past.

I think it's probably time to call time on it for good.

Jesus OP.

Why did you go back?

Why another baby? Why?!!!!

Are social services involved given his violent outbursts and alcoholism?

aSofaNearYou · 13/08/2021 17:37

@ParityJ

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.
Yes, because the defensive parent of a moody teenager that can't acknowledge that reality, whilst dumping the care of said child onto their partner, is the "catch" in this situation 😂
Purplecatshopaholic · 13/08/2021 17:39

You have a DH problem. No is a complete sentence. Etc, etc

RandomMess · 13/08/2021 17:39

I'd be tempted to go out and leave your DC and DSD for him to sort out...

Goldbar · 13/08/2021 17:46

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.

If a husband of mine didn't like his daughter and didn't consider her to be worth spending time with, he would also not be my husband for very long.

I'm always amazed at how many men apparently like their children in theory but leave the practice to their wives and partners who aren't even related to them.

ParistoLondon · 13/08/2021 17:49

It's his child, he should want to spend one on one time with her. It's great that you seem to have a good relationship with her but his daughter is his responsibility, not yours.

ParistoLondon · 13/08/2021 17:53

Oops. Didn't read properly. You're 33 weeks pregnant too! He should take his 12 y.o and the toddler and spent the day with them and let you have some well earned rest. The bloody cheek of him.

Suprima · 13/08/2021 17:58

I mean, the horse has bolted- but if he showed no interest in his children that existed, why on earth did you have TWO MORE with him?

How is he going to treat yours?

He is the problem, not DSD.

MoreAloneTime · 13/08/2021 18:06

OP in all seriousness do you have other people who can help you with your children, I wouldn't count on this man.

nevergoesaway · 13/08/2021 18:15

Ugh he sounds awful. Op I really feel for you, you don’t deserve to be treated this way. Everyone has given great advice, I just wanted to send support and say I’m totally with you and think you’re in the right here. You shouldn’t have to parent his child. He is a deadbeat dad.

And shame on the poster who’s first reaction was to blame YOU for ‘not liking your stepdaughter’ - such a ridiculous response.

OrchestraOfWankery · 13/08/2021 19:09

This reply has been deleted

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Ionlydomassiveones · 13/08/2021 19:24

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

2bazookas · 13/08/2021 19:37

He knows I'm not going to kick up a fuss

There you have it.

Raise hell. Other wise your life will be.

For a start, if he goes off to "supervise the builders" he takes his DD with him. Every time. Especially if she really hates it and throws a stroppy sulk (at him, for hours, but you won't see it).

Second, because he treats you badly, his DD thinks she can do the same. Knock that on the head too.

ParistoLondon · 13/08/2021 19:38

@Ionlydomassiveones I think that's a bit unfair, the OP has stated already she doesn't dislike her stepdaughter and wouldn't want her to feel unwelcome while she's there but you can't really blame her for getting annoyed when her DH seems less than keen to spend time with his own daughter and just leave her with all of the responsibility of entertaining a preteen and a toddler at the same time while heavily pregnant. I'd be fuming.

Original poster
Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 19:42

Hi all,

Again thank you for your responses. I know my situation is really provoking and a lot of people would question why I am in it but sometimes life isn't very straightforward. We certainly haven't had an easy marriage but that's private. To the posters questioning why I keep "breeding" with him, please don't refer to my children like that. We are humans not animals. I understand people would find it frustrating but it has been my choice to have children and I accept that.

Yes previously my husband has been treated for alcoholism but that isn't an issue at the moment and isn't relevant to the specific scenario that I am presenting.

I came here to vent as although I have good friends and a supportive family it can be really difficult to articulate some of the issues that arise in blended or step families. I thought maybe I would get reassurance and understanding in a forum of people who have similar experiences. I don't want to be thought of as an evil step mother offline, and sometimes that's how I feel. It's not my step daughters fault her parents play a game of pass the parcel with her and it's not my business how they choose to parent. I just get sick of being caught in the collateral and my husband thinking he can treat me as a babysitter. I have more balls than how I may be coming across in my posts and although I can put up with a lot I'm not a complete doormat - just a tired pregnant lady who wants peace.

OP posts:
JulesCobb · 13/08/2021 19:42

@Ionlydomassiveones

Poor 12 year old - left with nobody who really wants her. And pre-teens are supposed to be ‘difficult’? No wonder.

Now to the OP - why ‘vent’ on here? Why not vent to the arsehole who is taking you for granted and abdicating his responsibilities? Are you scared of him? Why wouldn’t you just say no?

The violent alcoholic bit stood out for me as a possible reason. Im surprised it didnt for you… Hmm
JulesCobb · 13/08/2021 19:47

I have more balls than how I may be coming across in my posts and although I can put up with a lot I'm not a complete doormat
So what are you going to do?

Dancingsmile · 13/08/2021 19:48

When he's not there being with his D he is also not there spending time with your child.
He's not just not parenting his D he's not parenting his other child.
This I'm pretty certain he'll be the same with his 3rd.
But you already knew this as that is how it was with his 1st when you met him.
Women need learn to see red flags and react to them not think it'll be different with me. Why are so many women programmed to think that way ?

Original poster
Missboo1 · 13/08/2021 19:53

@JulesCobb

I have more balls than how I may be coming across in my posts and although I can put up with a lot I'm not a complete doormat So what are you going to do?
I sent a text along the lines of what posters suggested previously and although he has grumbled he has taken her to his mums. Now trying to guilt trip me into bringing LO over to there Tomorrow but I have announced vague plans and will basically see how I feel tomorrow. A small victory for now, maybe at some point this decade he will get the message. Live in hope
OP posts:
StCharlotte · 13/08/2021 19:59

@ParityJ

If a husband of mine didn't like my daughter and didn't consider her to be part of his family, he would not be my husband very long.
And then you'd actually have to look after your own daughter (which the child's actual father doesn't seem keen on doing).