I must be an anomaly then because DP and I are due to be married early next year and have actually discussed what would happen if his DCs needed to live with him full time.
I was honest and said I wouldn’t be willing to do it. We would split up but we would sell our home and buy 2 smaller properties to live separately in until his children were grown.
I know it sounds harsh but there are several reasons why I wouldn’t want to live with my SCs full time, even though DP lives with mine as I’m the RP. However, he is not expected to parent my DC. I do everything in the way of practicalities for my children, such as organising finances, childcare, washing, meal prep and so on. He is simply expected to be kind and caring towards them, a situation we’re both happy with.
Firstly, he couldn’t take on his DC full time without it severely negatively impacting on me. He works long hours in a relatively low paid job. If his DCs came to live with us 100% of the time I would either have to take on the vast majority of the childcare or he would have to cut back drastically on his working hours meaning the financial burden of raising his children would then fall onto me.
I am not willing to do these things.
Secondly, although my DCs and SCs get along well, having my SCs as full time residents would negatively impact my children’s quality of life. It has been my experience that when they are forced together for extended periods of time then they do not get on so well. Weekends, short trips away, days out etc are all fine and fun. Anything longer than a week together all at once results in them falling out and being unhappy.
I would therefore not inflict my DCs with them in their home full time. My DCs and their happiness are my priority.
Thirdly, my DP parents very differently to me and his children have very different views and standards of behaviour expected from them. I’m ok with this in our current situation as I do not want to have children with my DP and we don’t interfere / try to parent each other’s children. I let him do what he thinks is best for his kids and vice versa.
If we lived with all the children together full time then this would not work. There would be conflict due to our different parenting styles.
And lastly, I do love and care for my SCs but more in a “fun aunt” way. I’m willing to help out with short bursts of childcare, be kind, help out in emergencies and be their friend but I have no desire to be their parent. Attempting to step into a parenting role would do them a disservice as I do not love them the way a parent does (unconditionally or enough to put their needs above my own).
My children also deserve to have all my energy, time, money etc benefitting them first and foremost. It wouldn’t make them happy.
So it may seem shocking to say I love my future husband but I don’t want to take on his children full time, but I’m honest about it and it’s for good logical reasons.
Once people step away from the knee-jerk responses and emotive language surrounding blended families then there are often very good reasons for these sorts of decisions and feelings.
Yes I knew my DP had kids when I met him, as did he with me. We will both prioritise what’s best for our own DCs and living with my SCs full time is not a compromise I’m willing to make.