Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

I don't see whats hypocritical about SpongeBobs situation, her partner had a choice to move in with her DC, and he has a choice to stay or not, same as anyone. If its not a dealbreaker for him like it is for her then it just means they have different things they are willing to accept surely. We don't all find the same things difficult, we all have our own limits.

And it sounds like he knew the deal when he moved in so nothing has drastically changed.

So if your partner's ex died or even became very ill say, you would leave if the children came to stay permanently?

Life is full of shit things that happen and I absolutely understand that you have every right to live as you please but that would be a pretty cold thing to do.

@SpongebobNoPants

Whatever you've agreed to between yourselves is fine, of course, but I think you're underestimating how much impact children - including yours - have on all who live with them. Do they never make noise? Never have friends over? Never catch a bug at school and spread it to him? Never limit your nights out or dinner plans or vacations?

If you lost your job or became disabled and could no longer be your children's sole source of financial support, would you really be totally ok with your DH telling you they were no longer allowed to live there if he had to pay for them? I'm not trying to argue, just honestly curious.

If anything if it's in the best interests of the children then it's the right thing to do. They'll need dad's full attention and might not be happy about being forced to live with their stepmum who can never replace their mother. The stepmum might feel pressure to look after them that she never signed up for and the knock on affect to her life is massive. The only ones with the responsibility towards those kids are their parents.

@bumblingbovine49

So if your partner's ex died or even became very ill say, you would leave if the children came to stay permanently?

Life is full of shit things that happen and I absolutely understand that you have every right to live as you please but that would be a pretty cold thing to do.

Not immediately no, but I imagine long term I'd be unhappy enough to not wish to stay any longer yes.

Whatever you've agreed to between yourselves is fine, of course, but I think you're underestimating how much impact children - including yours - have on all who live with them. Do they never make noise? Never have friends over? Never catch a bug at school and spread it to him? Never limit your nights out or dinner plans or vacations?

I imagine all of that does happen. But as SpongeBob said, it was the case when he met her, there's been no sudden change in his situation.

OP, how would you feel if your DH refused to have his children and they ended up going into foster care? Would you be OK staying with him then since DSC wouldn't be living with you full-time? Or would you be unable to cope with his callousness?

If not, what you're really saying is that the relationship would end whether he took responsibility or not. So there is no scenario following DSC mum's death where the relationship continues.

@PurpleOkapi like I said my DP works long hours, also shift work so his interaction with them is pretty minimal, they’re not noisy kids and don’t regularly have friends over… in fact my SCs have their friends over much more frequently, and no to stomach bugs etc. Our kids aren’t tiny children they range from 6-16 between us.

If I lost my job I would do any other job to bring income in… so the only real test would be is I became disabled or seriously ill then we would reassess the situation again. I wouldn’t automatically assume he’d take on financial responsibility for my children though. As my husband he’d have a duty to me but not them if you see what I mean and I wouldn’t judge him if he couldn’t cope or didn’t want to.

He couldn’t tell me I couldn’t live here as I own most of the equity in the house.

Never limit your nights out or dinner plans or vacations?
Dinner plans no… no more impact than his children. We can only really socialise at weekends but we have his children mostly then too. We don’t really holiday without the kids but we do weekends away on our own regularly, I have a great support network so it’s never been an issue.

I think a lot of people seem to assume children are the be all and end all of parents’ lives. I am not with my partner for his parenting abilities or a stepdad, they are incidental to me. He’s kind, caring and I’m with him because he’s a great partner and I’m sure that’s how he feels about me.

I don’t expect him to take care of my kids so I think it’s only fair he doesn’t expect the same from me.

Also by “not impact him” I mean he doesn’t have to do any practical parenting of my children whatsoever. This would not be the case for me if his children were here full time. He couldn’t do it without my help, whereas I can and do parent my children effectively and practically without his help. That’s the huge difference.

@Goldbar

OP, how would you feel if your DH refused to have his children and they ended up going into foster care? Would you be OK staying with him then since DSC wouldn't be living with you full-time? Or would you be unable to cope with his callousness?

If not, what you're really saying is that the relationship would end whether he took responsibility or not. So there is no scenario following DSC mum's death where the relationship continues.

No obviously I wouldn't be okay with that at all, I know that my husband would never do that though, not in a million years.

Obviously nothing is set in stone, I've repeatedly said I'd give it a go so who knows maybe I'd surprise myself. But I just can't picture it being a situation I'd want to stay in long term no.

@SunUmbrella

My step mother had this attitude. It mean when I was abused by my step father as a teenager my father refused to have me live with them. I ended up having to move into a damp shitty hovel on my own in a very scary area as a 16 year old. I had no heating and often no food.

No, this is not ok. Because that parent would presumably house their DC in a safe place and feed them in this situation if there wasn't a "step parent" in the picture telling them not to.

What if the other parent that DC currently live with died? Or had a breakdown? Or became homeless? Or got seriously ill?

Do not start a relationship with someone who has children who are minors if you have limits about how much they are "allowed" to be in that house - which is meant to be their home as well. If you don't want to be a step parent then don't choose to become one in the first place.

Wait a minute. I hope you’re not blaming your stepmother for your crappy experience @SunUmbrella. The blame should actually fall to your father because he should’ve chosen your safety over his own convenience and comfort. He was too cowardly or callous to step up to parent you. The onus is on him not your stepmother.

@ineedaholidaynow i know your question was to spongebob, but I’ll also answer it.

If my partner said to me I don’t want to spend all my time with your DC, I would be completely supportive and understanding. In actual fact last year he did say that, in response to my saying that I didn’t ever forsee my home being a home to his children. His response (fairly) was ‘well why would I then want to spend time and see your kids more than I see my own, especially if when I see my children, you’re saying it needs to be in my own home’. My response simply was, ‘that’s completely fair. It’s entirely up to you how much time you spend in my home when my kids are here, and if it’s very little, then that’s your choice and I’m completely supportive of it.’

Here’s the reality. My kids are older, they are very little work (comparative to his younger children). 40% of the time they are not at my house. And the rest of the time? I parent them, provide for them, sort the afterschool care (nanny/ clubs), food, etc etc. There is nothing he is required to do (aside from helping me out on an ad hoc basis).

Even now he can wfh permanently, I cannot - I am back commuting 3/4 days a week. I could very easily say to him, please work from mine, and it would save me hundreds a week in nanny wages. But I don’t. Why? Because it isn’t fair to ask him to do something I’m not prepared to do for his children. So I pay for a nanny and plan to continue to do so for the next few years until my kids are all old enough to be left alone after school. Whilst he can wfh from his own house, alone.

I’m not with him for his help/ parenting. I’m with him in order to get my own adult, intimate needs met. My children are not part of that equation and nor are his.

@SpongebobNoPants

I must be an anomaly then because DP and I are due to be married early next year and have actually discussed what would happen if his DCs needed to live with him full time.

I was honest and said I wouldn’t be willing to do it. We would split up but we would sell our home and buy 2 smaller properties to live separately in until his children were grown.

I know it sounds harsh but there are several reasons why I wouldn’t want to live with my SCs full time, even though DP lives with mine as I’m the RP. However, he is not expected to parent my DC. I do everything in the way of practicalities for my children, such as organising finances, childcare, washing, meal prep and so on. He is simply expected to be kind and caring towards them, a situation we’re both happy with.

Firstly, he couldn’t take on his DC full time without it severely negatively impacting on me. He works long hours in a relatively low paid job. If his DCs came to live with us 100% of the time I would either have to take on the vast majority of the childcare or he would have to cut back drastically on his working hours meaning the financial burden of raising his children would then fall onto me.
I am not willing to do these things.

Secondly, although my DCs and SCs get along well, having my SCs as full time residents would negatively impact my children’s quality of life. It has been my experience that when they are forced together for extended periods of time then they do not get on so well. Weekends, short trips away, days out etc are all fine and fun. Anything longer than a week together all at once results in them falling out and being unhappy.
I would therefore not inflict my DCs with them in their home full time. My DCs and their happiness are my priority.

Thirdly, my DP parents very differently to me and his children have very different views and standards of behaviour expected from them. I’m ok with this in our current situation as I do not want to have children with my DP and we don’t interfere / try to parent each other’s children. I let him do what he thinks is best for his kids and vice versa.
If we lived with all the children together full time then this would not work. There would be conflict due to our different parenting styles.

And lastly, I do love and care for my SCs but more in a “fun aunt” way. I’m willing to help out with short bursts of childcare, be kind, help out in emergencies and be their friend but I have no desire to be their parent. Attempting to step into a parenting role would do them a disservice as I do not love them the way a parent does (unconditionally or enough to put their needs above my own).
My children also deserve to have all my energy, time, money etc benefitting them first and foremost. It wouldn’t make them happy.

So it may seem shocking to say I love my future husband but I don’t want to take on his children full time, but I’m honest about it and it’s for good logical reasons.

Once people step away from the knee-jerk responses and emotive language surrounding blended families then there are often very good reasons for these sorts of decisions and feelings.

Yes I knew my DP had kids when I met him, as did he with me. We will both prioritise what’s best for our own DCs and living with my SCs full time is not a compromise I’m willing to make.

You outline everything YOU said to your DP

But you don’t give his response.

@sassbott sounds like he is just your partner though, fair enough. The clue is in the word Step MUM, Step DAD, you are stepping into a role when you become a step PARENT. If you do not want that, stay a partner

@Beautifulday345 semantics. I’ve been with him (bar our break up for a period) for 5+ years. And marriage is being discussed. I still have zero intention of becoming a ‘parent’ of any sort to his children.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@PluggingAway you’d be surprised. My DP was totally fine when I said I would never consider living full time with his DCs.
He still wants to marry me and doesn’t think badly of me at all.[/quote]
That’s great.
But did it i is that your view of your DP?
The fact he is willing to marry someone who would not countenance his children moving in with them. Whereas he lives with her children.

It’s great you were honest
But it reveals quite a bit about your DP and his approach to parenting

@MyDcAreMarvel

Then you shouldn’t be in a relationship with someone with children, you don’t love your dh, op you love what he currently brings to your life. If you genuinely loved him you wouldn’t leave him if his children moved in.

What a silly thing to say.

[quote Beautifulday345]@sassbott sounds like he is just your partner though, fair enough. The clue is in the word Step MUM, Step DAD, you are stepping into a role when you become a step PARENT. If you do not want that, stay a partner[/quote]
I think the title is misleading tbh. I know quite a few people who are technically 'step parents' but don't actually think of themselves as someone stepping into the mum/dad role.

Fucking hell if I'd have described myself as stepping into a Mum role and being a step MUM, my husband's ex would likely bite my head off.

Because If you and your DP had a child
And then split up
You’d know that he was happy to get together with someone who wouldn’t countenance having your child move in with them
And that day may come (you pass away (sorry!) or very sick or some other life event) when that is needed

@Marmitemarinaded

Because If you and your DP had a child And then split up You’d know that he was happy to get together with someone who wouldn’t countenance having your child move in with them And that day may come (you pass away (sorry!) or very sick or some other life event) when that is needed

Why does it matter about the partner though? Providing you are confident your ex isn't the sort of arse who'd refuse to have them then why would it matter if it meant his wife or partner left?

I know, and I have said, that my husband would never in a million years refuse to have his children full time. Ever. It would never be some ultimatum of 'its me or the kids' (I'd never ask him that and he'd never even consider it a choice).

Their Mum, I am fairly certain, knows this too. So why would she really care if I left because of it so long as she was confident he would step up if something happened to her?

@JustGreatThatIs well she has issues then, when you marry someone with young children and become a step parent/blended family that’s what you become, completely fine if you don’t want to! But just don’t do it then, stay partners, live separately and keep family lives seperate

[quote Marmitemarinaded]@aSofaNearYou

* has passed on a strong predilection to stay where he is until his dying day to DSS. *

How on earth would you know that if you met the father when his DS was a baby or young child?![/quote]
What? I didn't meet him when he was a baby, and he's not a small child now. He's starting to show strong, ingrained mindsets and personality traits.

I have no intention of ever blending families until my youngest 18 (10 years away) no matter if I meet the man of my dreams.

And this thread - absolutely confirms right decision
Not that I needed confirmation

No judgment it just seem so fraught with complexities and tensions. And I don’t think anyone could honestly say that their children would not be happier if their family hadn’t been blended with the family of their parents love interest

All you can do is focus on your child's other parent and what you believe they would do in that situation. What their partner would choose to do isn't really of any consequence to you providing your ex is a good parent and wouldn't choose his wife over your kids. If he'd do that I'm fairly sure there would be some indication beforehand that he was a twat.

@aSofaNearYou

Exactly
But you said that when you get together with someone you’ll know personalities and chances of them moving in!