Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

@Woodmarsh good description here:

www.optimumperformanceinstitute.com/failure-to-launch-syndrome/#:~:text=Failure%20to%20launch%20often%20has%20the%20following%20symptoms%3A,adulthood%20%28basic%20cooking%20and%20cleaning%20skills%29%209%20Narcissism

@sassbott

It’s like fairground whack a mole on here today. Get one and another one with an identical question (that has already been answered) pops up again. 🙄

😂 Love this.

I am a single parent

I have absolutely no intention of ever having a partner move in to my home that I share with my children until my youngest has finished school (youngest is 8!)

At that point, I reckon if I’m in a relationship - they’re going to have similar aged children ie older so not such a blended family scenario.

So I avoid this scenario

@aSofaNearYou it’s true!

It’s like a loop. SP comes on here and voices their feelings. Stock response of ‘if you feel that way why are you with someone who has children?’

Erm because most people’s world does not stop and start with just their children. And where both parents are active and involved in their children’s lives, why on earth would someone think ‘you know what, I’m never going to be with someone who has children because if one day the other parent kicks the bucket, I wouldn’t want to live with their children fulltime.’

It’s utter nonsense. The other part that a lot of unhelpful posters seem to recurrently miss is that a lot of us enter this situations naive and full of hope (I certainly did). I never ever thought I would end up in a situation where I would say to someone I loved, sorry but your children can’t be in my home.

What happened? The exwife. Hellbent on not supporting her children building any relationship with any woman other than her. So the children were placed in direct conflict and started to display a host of emotional issues.

These issues and subsequent feelings are never that simple. And yet time and again we are given super unhelpful comments on these threads.

Honestly

Always useful to remember the usual suspects all seem to be protecting like mad because they didn’t like their own step mum or have dad issues. They hang around here waiting to pounce and stick the boot in as if it’ll heal their pain when professional help would do the job much more effectively. It’s sad. Step parenting has its challenges but at least we’re not like that

@JustGreatThatIs

My advice would be to take out insurance against the death or critical illness of the childrens' mother. Then if the children come your way, you would have options to change your living arrangements - extra space, annexe, house with basement flat etc could make the new situation manageable.

@Marmitemarinaded

Probably shouldn’t get involved with anyone with children then Because it’s always a risk surely

The risk of the mother dying prematurely is about as likely as the chances of your husband dying prematurely. But that risk doesn't put you off.

@aSofaNearYou

Death isn’t the only reason why a non row may become a rp FGS!
Just some…
The child wants to move in due to break down in relations with RP
The RP chooses to move away and the child decides to stay local and therefore wants to move in to non RP
The RP no longer wishes to be the RP
The RP throws the child out

[quote Marmitemarinaded]@aSofaNearYou

Death isn’t the only reason why a non row may become a rp FGS!
Just some…
The child wants to move in due to break down in relations with RP
The RP chooses to move away and the child decides to stay local and therefore wants to move in to non RP
The RP no longer wishes to be the RP
The RP throws the child out[/quote]
Yes, I'm aware of that, but we all know our own situations and the dispositions of those involved enough to make a judgment as to whether any of those things are likely. I will say it's far less likely when you live a distance away that would require a complete upheaval for the child if they were to move, as opposed to living locally. Plus, I don't think it's all that common for parents to kick children children out before at least mid teens without preexisting major behavioural issues, and my position would probably be quite different if there was less time left on the clock until the DSC reaches adulthood.

I personally don't think you should make marriage vows with someone who has children unless you would be prepared to live with said children if necessary. For better and for worse, that is what marriage is about. It's not just about your own needs being met and if something changes you'd be off.

@SeaWitchly some people just live in sin

Lots of people personally feel differently and that’s okay too.

* Yes, I'm aware of that, but we all know our own situations and the dispositions of those involved enough to make a judgment as to whether any of those things are likely. *

Things can change as children develop in to prevent teen / teens.

Go on the parenting boards for evidence!

*Things can change as children develop in to prevent teen / teens.

Go on the parenting boards for evidence!*

Yes they can, but equally some people are very set in their ways. My DSSs mum is like that, she is a very stoic person and has passed on a strong predilection to stay where he is until his dying day to DSS. Yes, things can change. But it is possible to look at the factors and personalities at play and see that a lot would have to happen to make it likely.

Didn't work for me having stepson living with us and was one of the only few times dh and l argued.
So yanbu op

@SeaWitchly

I personally don't think you should make marriage vows with someone who has children unless you would be prepared to live with said children if necessary. For better and for worse, that is what marriage is about. It's not just about your own needs being met and if something changes you'd be off.

I know several couples who are married but live in separate homes by choice. When both couples have children, it can be the sensible thing to do. You get married, but the children don't!

@SeaWitchly

I personally don't think you should make marriage vows with someone who has children unless you would be prepared to live with said children if necessary. For better and for worse, that is what marriage is about. It's not just about your own needs being met and if something changes you'd be off.

Yet my husbands first wife decided it wasn't for her so why can't I if circumstances change.

Death isn’t the only reason why a non row may become a rp FGS!
Just some…
The child wants to move in due to break down in relations with RP
The RP chooses to move away and the child decides to stay local and therefore wants to move in to non RP
The RP no longer wishes to be the RP
The RP throws the child out

It's such an enticing list, isn't it? The child's own mother can't bear to live with them, and SM is expected to be all smiles and welcome darling!

Seriously, I think you have to keep your job and save against the day. I've seen what happened in my wider family when illness meant that all the children from the first marriage landed in the 2nd. It wasn't pretty and the 2nd marriage didn't survive it.

I’ve told my DH that if this ever happened, it’d spell divorce for us.

My step mother had this attitude. It mean when I was abused by my step father as a teenager my father refused to have me live with them. I ended up having to move into a damp shitty hovel on my own in a very scary area as a 16 year old. I had no heating and often no food.

No, this is not ok. Because that parent would presumably house their DC in a safe place and feed them in this situation if there wasn't a "step parent" in the picture telling them not to.

What if the other parent that DC currently live with died? Or had a breakdown? Or became homeless? Or got seriously ill?

Do not start a relationship with someone who has children who are minors if you have limits about how much they are "allowed" to be in that house - which is meant to be their home as well. If you don't want to be a step parent then don't choose to become one in the first place.

@aSofaNearYou

I expect it’s the perennial “know your place step mum, you’re the bottom of the pile, don’t you forget it”.

How could I forget

You're not the bottom of the pile but you're not alone at the top of the pile either, that was what I was saying

Surely you enter the relationship knowing that they come as a package with their dad and that there is every chance that could happen.
Why continue with the relationship if that is something you'd not want?
I find this incredibly selfish especially if your partner is living with your children.

I get you'd not want it but then don't continue in the relationship in the first place.

When you get together with a man with children you absolutely should be prepared to take them on full time if needed. If not then just avoid dating men with kids

You shouldn't get in a relationship with a man who has kids if that is the case. So many things are outside the control of the mothers, like illness and death, that could mean the child has to go with the dad. And if that happened, not only would your spouse be grieving with his child, he'd also then find himself alone from his partner? Can't be much love for the person in the beginning then.

And yet 90% of the time a step father is expected to happily live with a mother with children. Works both ways