Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

FFS! These are children who want to live with their father, and you selfish lot would walk out and leave your partner? It is a hypothetical I know, but really how fucking selfish can you be?

@BadMotherLover

FFS! These are children who want to live with their father, and you selfish lot would walk out and leave your partner? It is a hypothetical I know, but really how fucking selfish can you be?

It's not selfish. It gives them the chance to be a family unit without the outsider stepmum causing more complicated emotions.

@BadMotherLover

FFS! These are children who want to live with their father, and you selfish lot would walk out and leave your partner? It is a hypothetical I know, but really how fucking selfish can you be?

Why would you want an unhappy step-parent living with your kids?

Nobody can squash down unhappiness every single day so that it never, ever comes out. Surely it's best for someone to walk away than to make a family situation worse for everyone involved?

@BadMotherLover

FFS! These are children who want to live with their father, and you selfish lot would walk out and leave your partner? It is a hypothetical I know, but really how fucking selfish can you be?

Hold on, either SP are selfish for wanting a partner and "forcing" the children into a relationship they didn't chose and should stay single until they are adults 🥴

Or selfish for saying nope that's not going to work for and stepping back so that DH can create a family unit of their own with the kids

Do you even get how ridiculous this sounds. It's literally regardless of what you chose selfishness.

This thread just got a load more bonkers.

@LittleMysSister exactly! It's best for everyone if an unhappy stepmum left. They will sense it kids aren't stupid and why should stepmum waste her life in a situation making her unhappy? I mean the mum and dad split up as they were unhappy presumably so why can the stepmum leave?! She's not trapped. You only get one life.

@LittleMysSister remember SP aren't entitled to have any emotion and must accept blame no matter what the choice.

Even if that choice would be better for all parties involved.

@BadMotherLover

FFS! These are children who want to live with their father, and you selfish lot would walk out and leave your partner? It is a hypothetical I know, but really how fucking selfish can you be?

Selfish to leave a relationship because you are unhappy? Better to stay living with them permanently whilst miserable, something they would likely become aware of? Ok then

Would very much depend on the age of the children.

@candlelightsatdawn I think basically it has come down to Step Parent can never do anything right even if they decide not to stepparent!

@StarDrawers bonkers it's literally bonkers 🥴

@LittleMysSister

Deeply unpopular view amongst many step parents, which I can understand. As criticising their set up. But I suspect they truly do know that their children would be happier if not part of a step family. But deny it themselves. Will be laughed at / scorned

But I agree

I’m divorced. Will never de stabilise my children’s lives like this

I think most step-parents do know that their SCs would likely prefer it if they weren't around, even if they like them. I think that is just common sense for a lot of us who are in the 'usual' scenario where the kids still see both parents. I get on really well with my SCs, but if they had the choice for their dad to live alone so it's just him and them on their time together, would they choose that? Of course.

But I wouldn't walk away from my relationship with DP because of that. He was free to make the choice that you have made, not to bring his children into a step-family situation, but he didn't and so this is our situation. We are not together because of the children, we are together and one of us also happens to have children.

Completely agree with you LittleMysSister. I'm aware that some people have children of their own when they become step parents, but the "your children would prefer it if you didn't being a step parent into their lives" always feels like it's targeted to the wrong people on here. Surely it would be of more value to the parents, rather than the step parents. They're not the one's making that decision, they're the product of it.

One of the reasons why I won't date men with children

@BadMotherLover

FFS! These are children who want to live with their father, and you selfish lot would walk out and leave your partner? It is a hypothetical I know, but really how fucking selfish can you be?

Ummmm. Isn't that precisely what divorce is? And the reason why the children ended up in a step family in the first place?

FFS! These are children who want to live with their father, and you selfish lot would walk out and leave your partner? It is a hypothetical I know, but really how fucking selfish can you be?

I rest my case. Perfect example of someone not able to healthily separate a parent/ child relationship from an adult intimate relationship.
I would love for studies to be conducted in this area. As I would bet my bottom dollar that the people melting into hysterics on this thread are also the ones who have boundary issues post separation (if it was ever to happen).

As I get older I’m beginning to think more and more that there are two camps of parents (and we see both types frequently on here).

The ones (like myself and plenty of other parents) who have divorced/ separated themselves. Have very amicable relationships with their exes (they did the work required to process their emotional baggage and ensure they could then fully separate and support their children having ongoing / loving relationships with their exes). These people also have a healthy expectations around their children (I wouldn’t expect another person to want to live with my kids fulltime, why would they?).

Then you have the camp of high conflict/ inability to separate adult/ parent/ child relationships and no healthy view of where their children sit in other peoples pecking order. They are enmeshed with their own children to such a degree, any criticism of said children is met with the views we see on here time and again. We get a rinse of repeat of ‘you’re selfish, poor children….etc etc etc.’

Which bluntly at one level I find entertaining (because you would think people were out and out abusing children based on some responses here). But I also find it deeply worrying. Because in the real world, there are so many parents parenting this way and somehow thinking that everyone’s world should orientate around their children.

It’s an unhealthy level of narcissistic behaviour from adults that I then worry is being projected onto these kids.
For all the people trying to hold a mirror to step parents on this thread? I’d advise you take a step back and take a goof long look at yourselves first.
Your children are special to you, no one else. And no one else is under my obligation to do anything with them. Include stepping up to parent them fulltime. And that does not make them selfish human beings, it makes them healthy human beings.

@sassbott - BEST post ever & so well said!!!

@sassbott you nailed it again 👏🏼 thank you for saying this !

@sassbott brilliant post

@sassbott Spot on 👏👏

@Marmitemarinaded why do you keep researching people just to confirm that they've said similar things on other threads and then say that's "odd"?

I never understand the issue with searching actually

If you post something, own it.
If you’re not prepared with something being raised again, then perhaps it’s a sign that you’d shouldn’t post that comment

@Marmitemarinaded what are you at?
Honestly! This is an open forum & many of us post our experience on many threads.
Your forensic investigation is a bit sinister/obsessive tbh.

@Marmitemarinaded why is it odd? It's in keeping with her other posts?

What’s odd about that? Have you read my posts on this thread?

I am the poster who repeatedly keeps saying that I fully intend to remain in my relationship/ possibly marry but have no intention of ever wanting to live with my partners children. And that would extend to if he had to parent them FT. I have also repeatedly said that for that reason I would always wish to maintain separate houses.

However. That does not stop me from being in a committed relationship. And I say that in answer to all the posters who repeatedly keep saying ‘if this is your stance, you shouldn’t date someone with children.’ My response? Well why shouldn’t I?

It’s not my issue that my partners wife is batshit crazy nor is it my issue that his children have had on/ off emotional issues as a result. They’re not my kids and they’re not my problem.

My role however is to support my partner emotionally, give him and his children the space they need to build their relationship. And healthy separate my adult intimate relationship from the conflict and dysfunction his ex attempts to bring into our lives via his kids.

What point are you trying to make?

Sassbot is one of the most consistent posters on this board. Nothing on that quotation is contradictory. What's the problem?