Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

Blimey! Just say the parent that the children reside with died and they had to move in, that's just sad. I mean surely you must know that it's a possibility that a child could have to live with you? I just find it so strange that someone willingly enters into a relationship involving children but wouldn't entertain them.living with you, as if it should never happen. Those poor kids but also.poor partner who has no clue they would be ditched.

@eeyore228

Blimey! Just say the parent that the children reside with died and they had to move in, that's just sad. I mean surely you must know that it's a possibility that a child could have to live with you? I just find it so strange that someone willingly enters into a relationship involving children but wouldn't entertain them.living with you, as if it should never happen. Those poor kids but also.poor partner who has no clue they would be ditched.

The nrp is usually the Dad. The family home generally goes to Mum, because kid's bedrooms n stuff. Dad then has to start again and house himself on what remains. So - could be staying at his parents for a while, living in shared housing etc.

When he eventually gets himself a place it is frequently courtesy of the new woman in his life. May well be somewhat smaller than the family home he left behind, or else the bedrooms there are taken by his soon to be SCs. This then leads to heated 'negotiation' on who has which room when his DCs stop over.

Trog on a few years. Ex dies and children arrive at Dads with their suitcases. First problem - accommodation is now way overcrowded for the 2 or 3 sets of siblings now residing there full time. Second problem - kids squabble to put it mildly. Now they all need feeding all the time, and they all want different food - fine EOW, but a massive ask all the time. Washing. Ironing. Homework supervision. School transport. Etc. Who is going to do all these things, when Dad and new wife both work full time?

@pootleforPM

I have a friend who has recently split with her DH a result of her late teen SCs moving in. She had been with their dad a few years when they got married and bought a house together - she is by far the higher earner and put in most of the deposit. Until then, because of their ages she hadn't spent a huge amount of time with them - when they were at their dad's she tended to stay at her own flat as it was clear they weren't particularly interested in her or in having any kind of SM role - fair enough, not much of a relationship but no animosity either. Given their ages, she didn't see this as a huge problem as it was likely they would soon be getting on with their own lives / off to Uni etc.

However, once she bought the house with their dad, they started coming over much more regularly - nice big house to bring their mates to, bedroom each instead of sharing like they'd done previously. Then they both decided to move in. But ignoring her while they were there - no hello, no how was your day SM, literally nothing. Any attempts at conversation on her part were met with blank stares or snippy answers. She used to avoid going home if they were there. She spoke to her partner about it and his response was always that SHE needed to make more effort - absolutely no recognition at all of the rude little brats he'd raised who were more than happy to enjoy the financial benefit she'd brought to their life but wouldn't even say hello to her. It's impacted her MH massively, and they have now split - which would never have happened if it wasn't for the increased time they suddenly started spending there, and their eventual moving in.

In any scenario where there is little, or a fractious relationship between SM and DSCs (which may not evolve or be evident for several years of knowing each other) DSCs moving in is likely to cause problems. Many SMs know this as regards their own personal situation and will be fully aware that DSCs moving in spells the end of their relationship. It's not wrong to want to protect yourself from the slow and painful disintegration of your relationship by making the decision to end it first before the problems start.

@pootleforPM I seriously hope your friend kept the house and kicked that entire ungrateful family out.

This thread is so deeply upsetting. Further to my earlier posts, I am so relieved that my child will never have to live in a stepfamily situation. I'd stay single rather than put him through anything I've seen on here. Stay away from men/women with children if you can't deal with the realities of "blended families"

@TheFormidableMrsC

This thread is so deeply upsetting. Further to my earlier posts, I am so relieved that my child will never have to live in a stepfamily situation. I'd stay single rather than put him through anything I've seen on here. Stay away from men/women with children if you can't deal with the realities of "blended families"

I have to say I agree with you, especially the poster who said she was ‘lucky’ because her DH wouldn’t even want his children to live with them for any reason at all. Kids do know this, despite the fact that some of them may seem dumb, they can process not feeling welcome on a subconscious level.

And I’m so sorry, @TheFormidableMrsC for what you have been through

I think the problem, as is usual on these threads, is that poster's equate it to treating the children badly or being genuinely nasty to them. Usually when they have had a bad experience of that themselves either via themselves or their own children.

I am very sorry for what your son has gone through Formidable, but I have never and would never in my life be nasty to my husband's children not once. I have never treated them even remotely similarly to how your ex and his wife has.

So whilst I can appreciate your situation sounds incredibly upsetting and really awful for your son, I'm not sure what relevance it has here. Literally no one is advocating doing any of what your son has experienced.

which would never have happened if it wasn't for the increased time they suddenly started spending there, and their eventual moving in.

See I disagree with this. The split wasn't down to the dsc moving in. It was down the father and his parenting and his allowing that behaviour to happen. Who let's their children treat anyone that way. Chances are, that if he was a better partner and parent, it could have worked.

Assuming, everything you said is accurate and the behaviour was just poor on the teens sides, he let it continue and placed the blame on her.

I can totally see how when more kids move in the dynamic changes and couples end up splitting. Even when people are all doing their best.

But knowing it would split you up, is the bit I struggle with.

When dd decided she could no longer see her dad and went from spending 3 nights a week with her dad to non, it was a very upsetting time for her. It was very emotional. My job as a parent was to be there, help her through and support her.

I needed Dp to support us as well. If that happens with ds, I will do the same for him. What I don't need is the added pressure of knowing this would likely end my relationship too. I don't need that niggle in my mind. I don't need an extra thing to worry about. Which is why, if dp felt this way, I would just rather know, so I could choose wether that's a relationship I would continue. And it's not.

I do think alot of the time, where step parents are involved and there's problems. It's usually down to the adults involved.

And I am not saying the step parents fault, though sometimes it is. In the situations I know in rl and the ones you read here, it's usually because the actual parent of the child is a bit (or alot) shit at parenting.

I know loads of blended families and have done through my life and there's only one situation that stands outs as the step mother being a dick. The rest were caused by dad's who didn't parent well and expected the SM to pick up the slack and take the shit that occurred due to the poor parenting.

@TheFormidableMrsC

This thread is so deeply upsetting. Further to my earlier posts, I am so relieved that my child will never have to live in a stepfamily situation. I'd stay single rather than put him through anything I've seen on here. Stay away from men/women with children if you can't deal with the realities of "blended families"

I agree

Deeply unpopular view amongst many step parents, which I can understand. As criticising their set up. But I suspect they truly do know that their children would be happier if not part of a step family. But deny it themselves.
Will be laughed at / scorned

But I agree

I’m divorced. Will never de stabilise my children’s lives like this

@TheFormidableMrsC

This thread is so deeply upsetting. Further to my earlier posts, I am so relieved that my child will never have to live in a stepfamily situation. I'd stay single rather than put him through anything I've seen on here. Stay away from men/women with children if you can't deal with the realities of "blended families"

Yes, unpopular but I agree too. If you involve yourself with a parent, you have to think of the chfirst and foremost.

Avoided this thread up until now. Had a funny feeling it would be jumped on by people doing the usual thing.

What's a naughty search ? Does anyone think that's a really creepy thing to say or do ? Why are people making so many assumptions.

This thread is a weird mixture of honesty. Shaming for honesty, martyrism (oh I would never get with a another man until I die for the children's sake 🙄 will someone please think of the children), mum shaming (how dare you not want to sit around the table and cook dinner every night) even though it would definitely not be asked of a man, sad stories about evil stepmothers on a hypothetical question. Projecting your situation on to this hypothetical situation is slightly crackers.

We aren't all going to have the same response. If your not a step parent you will have a different lenses to someone who is, and I'm sorry but the vision you have in your head maybe completely off the mark because you haven't ever lived it period.

It depends completely on the partner in question and the children in involved, if they were SEN children, ages, and expectations and parenting styles. Some houses would not survive simply because it wouldn't work to totally blend and that's ok.

Some houses might think they would work but actually it doesn't. Some might find their groove. No one wakes up and thinks jeey let's go be hideous to SC or for that matter DC.

Step parenting usually means some variables you can't control, and at the heart of it usually if DP doesn't step up, or step up in the right way it's bound for failure. Everyone seems to think they would parenting so amazingly that they would never get annoyed with SC ignoring the fact they at some points probably get annoyed with their own DC at some point. It seems as SP you cannot ever safely even acknowledge that out loud.

Personally I don't know what I would do, but I do know we would have to get rid of all the animals in the house. I also think of DH ex died, there would be less changeable variables that make sometimes make SP hard and I get on with DH ex really well. I also speak as a person who lost her DF youngish and wouldn't wish losing a parent on anyone and actually had quite a positive experience of being a SD with my SF. Not the same but I was grateful for it. I wouldn't have wanted my DM to be on her own.

Martyrdom to not have a man move in to your children’s home until they are an adult?

Says it all

@Marmitemarinaded

Martyrdom to not have a man move in to your children’s home until they are an adult?

Says it all

Oh you were the one that did the "naughty" search on a previous poster. You seem to have a axe to grind and to much time on your hands. I supposed I could do a search on you too but that would be weird and overly invested.

Says it all really ;)

@Marmitemarinaded

When children have moved out - then yes, I’d combine homes and would be prepared for an adult child to move in. But I am not having my under 18 children share their home with my love interest. And I sure as heck am not prepared share my home with an under 18 that’s isn’t my
under 18! However I would have a relationship with separate homes

So hold on. You would have a relationship with a man with children, despite never having any intention of wanting to live with his children?
Am I missing a key distinction here or are you admitting that you would be in a relationship with a person who has children and yet you clearly would not want to live with them fulltime.

When then how is that any different to what posters (including myself) are saying? I will happily stay in a LT relationship, possibly marry. And have absolutely no intention of wanting to hands on parent someone else’s children. Which is essentially what you are also saying, just differently. Surely (unless I’ve suddenly gone mad), you’re admitting to being happy to do what you’re piling in on posters here about?

I also personally don’t understand the distinction between under 18 and over 18 also, it’s irrelevant surely. Children are children, even when adults. And you could argue it’s harder to cohabit with 18+ given they can come and go as they please. What is it exactly that makes 18 a golden age of when you would be happy to live with someone’s kids? Because my stance remains the same irrespective of age (per my example given upthread of how many adult children moved back in Covid to live with parents). You’re telling me that suddenly at 18 you’d be ok to live with adult children?

Your posts are bizarre.

@sassbott

Agree!

@Marmitemarinaded

I don't know how the thread has gone in this direction, but of course I would cook for my DSC as a family. I really like my DSC, they are clever funny kids and I like having them around. But in the end their dad is the one who parents them and I'm more like an aunty, I can't see the problem in that - (plus my DP is more able to as he has more flexible hours). I'm in the situation that I think a lot of step dads have and that is why I'm fine with a blended family.

I think the core problem with a lot of blended families are the non resident fathers are being driven by guilt and can't parent properly. And also due to this guilt they can't draw healthy boundaries with their exes.

This thread is brilliant, a lot of people getting very upset about strangers responses to a hypothetical situation that isn't too likely to happen, only on the step forum could this happen

@TheFormidableMrsC

This thread is so deeply upsetting. Further to my earlier posts, I am so relieved that my child will never have to live in a stepfamily situation. I'd stay single rather than put him through anything I've seen on here. Stay away from men/women with children if you can't deal with the realities of "blended families"

I'm sorry for your experiences but tbh your comment has been the biggest example of projecting on here. This thread is not about something even remotely similar to what happened to your son. It is literally about adults leaving relationships. You don't need to be deeply upset, there is zero connection to your story here.

@TheFormidableMrsC

This thread is so deeply upsetting. Further to my earlier posts, I am so relieved that my child will never have to live in a stepfamily situation. I'd stay single rather than put him through anything I've seen on here. Stay away from men/women with children if you can't deal with the realities of "blended families"

Agree.

Perfectly possible to date and leave the children out of it. After all, they get no say and have to put up with whatever living situation the adult chooses.

@sassbott nailed it again.

But I suspect they truly do know that their children would be happier if not part of a step family. But deny it themselves

Well I did not bring any children to the family. My only child would not exist if not part of a step family. This isn't the trump card you think it is.

But I suspect they truly do know that their children would be happier if not part of a step family. But deny it themselves

Some may truly know, some just want their wants regardless.

Many of my friends parents would have a very different version of the blended family than their children actually would.

Perfectly possible to date and leave the children out of it. After all, they get no say and have to put up with whatever living situation the adult chooses.

Not if, rather than two settled people with children, you are dating someone that wants to build a family including children of their own. Or if, god forbid, that is what the parent themself wants. That's the uncomfortable truth posters like you IceCream have a hard time accepting. Not everyone is satisfied with just being an EOW parent after a failed relationship early in their life. It happens all the time because most people do not find your way of thinking realistic.

@TheFormidableMrsC I also do not understand how you are finding this thread so upsetting.

Your son was on the receiving end of abusive behaviour from his SM and subsequently abandoned completely by his father.

Posters here are simply discussing whether they would / could live FT with their partners / husbands children and whether it would lead to the end of their adult intimate relationship.

At no point in this ever increasingly borderline hysterical thread has any poster come even close to indicating that they would in anyway interfere / stop a child from coming to live FT with their parent. There is a very clear distinction between a parent/ child relationship. And an adult / intimate relationship. The two are entirely separate.

If a parent needs to become a Ft parent to their child. And their adult intimate relationship breaks down as a result - they are two distinct and separate things.

Time and again I think a lot of these issues on these threads comes down to lack of boundaries and understanding of relationships. It’s the same problem that lead to conflict over child contact as divorce proceedings are in motion. Too many people are still unable to healthily separate their relationship with their STBXW/H and the relationship their child has with their STBXW/H.

If their relationship is breaking down, they can try and break down the relationship of the child with the other parent. This thread is a continuation (albeit different flavour) of the same problem.

Adults have every right to have a relationship that meets their intimate needs. The parent / child relationship that may exist within that unit is entirely separate. If FT parenting means that puts the adult relationship under strain/ causes unhappiness then the breakdown of that is entirely separate to the parent parenting their children FT.

I don’t get how people cannot see that.

Deeply unpopular view amongst many step parents, which I can understand. As criticising their set up. But I suspect they truly do know that their children would be happier if not part of a step family.
But deny it themselves.
Will be laughed at / scorned

But I agree

I’m divorced. Will never de stabilise my children’s lives like this

I think most step-parents do know that their SCs would likely prefer it if they weren't around, even if they like them. I think that is just common sense for a lot of us who are in the 'usual' scenario where the kids still see both parents. I get on really well with my SCs, but if they had the choice for their dad to live alone so it's just him and them on their time together, would they choose that? Of course.

But I wouldn't walk away from my relationship with DP because of that. He was free to make the choice that you have made, not to bring his children into a step-family situation, but he didn't and so this is our situation. We are not together because of the children, we are together and one of us also happens to have children.

@TheFormidableMrsC

This thread is so deeply upsetting. Further to my earlier posts, I am so relieved that my child will never have to live in a stepfamily situation. I'd stay single rather than put him through anything I've seen on here. Stay away from men/women with children if you can't deal with the realities of "blended families"

I am really sorry for what you and your son have been through, but surely you would have preferred if your ex's wife had made the choice to walk away?

[quote sassbott]@TheFormidableMrsC I also do not understand how you are finding this thread so upsetting.

Your son was on the receiving end of abusive behaviour from his SM and subsequently abandoned completely by his father.

Posters here are simply discussing whether they would / could live FT with their partners / husbands children and whether it would lead to the end of their adult intimate relationship.

At no point in this ever increasingly borderline hysterical thread has any poster come even close to indicating that they would in anyway interfere / stop a child from coming to live FT with their parent. There is a very clear distinction between a parent/ child relationship. And an adult / intimate relationship. The two are entirely separate.

If a parent needs to become a Ft parent to their child. And their adult intimate relationship breaks down as a result - they are two distinct and separate things.

Time and again I think a lot of these issues on these threads comes down to lack of boundaries and understanding of relationships. It’s the same problem that lead to conflict over child contact as divorce proceedings are in motion. Too many people are still unable to healthily separate their relationship with their STBXW/H and the relationship their child has with their STBXW/H.

If their relationship is breaking down, they can try and break down the relationship of the child with the other parent. This thread is a continuation (albeit different flavour) of the same problem.

Adults have every right to have a relationship that meets their intimate needs. The parent / child relationship that may exist within that unit is entirely separate. If FT parenting means that puts the adult relationship under strain/ causes unhappiness then the breakdown of that is entirely separate to the parent parenting their children FT.

I don’t get how people cannot see that.[/quote]
Completely agree with this.

No one here is talking about banning the children from living with their dad, they are talking about walking away themselves if the situation became something they were no longer happy to be a part of.

If you're not happy in a relationship, for whatever reason, you are free to leave. That doesn't change just because you're a step-parent.