Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

There's absolutely no mention of my husband not having his children or them going into foster care if the worst happened to their mother, absolutely never would happen, he would obviously have them immediately and I'd expect nothing less. It doesn't mean I have to stay though if I were to become very unhappy.

OP, what would make you unhappy in that situation? Would you be unhappy at having to live with his DC 24/7 or would it be his expectations that you would be involved and play an active parenting role?

@Goldbar

OP, what would make you unhappy in that situation? Would you be unhappy at having to live with his DC 24/7 or would it be his expectations that you would be involved and play an active parenting role?

I imagine a variety of things, the house would feel chaotic, expectations that I'd 'step up' and take an active role in parenting which I do not wish to do, no time together without the children (he has no family round here so it literally would be 24/7, 365 days a year if their Mum was no longer around), the thought of it makes me feel quite trapped actually. It would change the entire dynamic of our home.

I'm not sure my OH is even open to the kids living with him full time except in the event of their mother's death so no reason I should be

@Feelingoktoday

Say the mother dies. The children would hopefully live with their father. That’s what I would hope for my children. I wouldn’t want them going into care when they have a father who could look after them.

If you take on a partner with children then sorry but you do need to assume that this could happen. My partner has a son and i would gladly take him on full time if his mother was to die or be incapable of looking after him.

If you take on a partner with children then sorry but you do need to assume that this could happen. of course you can assume this could happen. Doesn't mean you'd have to stick around though.

Children are 'preloaded' with anti stepmum propaganda. There were shelves full of Disney videos in DH's old home. If your step children were sat with Cinderella, Snow White and Sleeping Beauty on loop, you start with an uphill battle [sigh] It takes years before it crosses their minds you might actually have some good intentions.

@Woodmarsh

Wow your dh sounds a dream, lucky you

@Beautifulday345 I am lucky, we all have different dreams

And no, I do not think it would be a particularly sensible path to bail on an otherwise fruitful relationship because of something that COULD happen but most likely will not. That would be called catastrophising in my book, not being sensible.

As I said above, 2 times daft examples of this in our immediate friendship group and another one in extended group. I don’t know masses of people. So in my experience it’s not exactly a unicorn event and I’d be planning on it happening just as much as not happening to be safe.

As I said above, 2 times daft examples of this in our immediate friendship group and another one in extended group. I don’t know masses of people. So in my experience it’s not exactly a unicorn event and I’d be planning on it happening just as much as not happening to be safe.

And equally, lots of people don't know anyone that dies young. What can't be denied, is the statistics say it's not all that common.

I imagine a variety of things, the house would feel chaotic, expectations that I'd 'step up' and take an active role in parenting which I do not wish to do, no time together without the children (he has no family round here so it literally would be 24/7, 365 days a year if their Mum was no longer around), the thought of it makes me feel quite trapped actually. It would change the entire dynamic of our home.

I agree with this. There is an element of how much I anticipate I would end up doing, but even if DP was doing it all, I still want this. DSS is here for a week now for summer and I feel incredibly claustrophobic, but it's ok because it's not permanent. I can sacrifice that amount of time, but I probably cannot sacrifice all of my time.

Children often heavily dominate conversations, activities, and just the general flow of family life. As they get older they go to bed later and you don't even get evenings without them. That's fine with my own kid but just not something I would want with somebody else's. It really is as simple as this - imagine your PIL being there all day every day. Would you want that? Even if you get on with them currently?

[quote sassbott]@Marmitemarinaded could you marry/ be in a relationship with someone (whilst maintaining your own homes) whose children could move in?

Let’s be really clear here, ‘children’ could need to move back to their parents throughout their lives. How many adult children moved back to live with their parents over lockdown?
How many adults move back in with parents when their marriages break down? Or when there are health problems? The list is endless.

Personally that’s why I always think I will maintain a home independent to any partner/ husband. Because my children are not his (and vice versa), I would want the autonomy to make the right decision for my children (whatever their age), without a partner saying ‘no, I don’t want this.’ I would want my partner to have the same autonomy. We all can want our children with us, but to expect others to want the same is unfair and unrealistic.

These issues crop up even in ‘nuclear’ families. I know of many parents who struggled with their adult DC returning throughout Covid. In one case it was the straw that broke the camels back as the father wanted his quiet time whilst the mother loved having the children back and a full house - they recently separated and she is unapologetic about the fact that she put the kids first.[/quote]
When children have moved out - then yes, I’d combine homes and would be prepared for an adult child to move in.

But I am not having my under 18 children share their home with my love interest. And I sure as heck am not prepared share my home with an under 18 that’s isn’t my
under 18!
However I would have a relationship with separate homes

@Youseethethingis

I wonder how happy the children are when they share a home with a SM that essentially doesn’t give a fig about them (yes yes you have a great relationship. But come on - you’d actually end a marriage / live with partner at the idea of them living with you. Can’t be that great) I love my Mum but I wouldn't want to live with her. Surely it's not that big a leap of the imagination that a relationship which is good in its current format might not transition all that well if placed under the strain of a forced change of fundamental circumstances? The relationship may well be good because they don't live together.

You are an adult FGS Are you honestly saying that you are the same as a 9 year old for example?

[quote eiwghfrghrugh]@LittleMysSister

In that case the problem is the DP and one shouldn't be with him because he can't parent his children, not because his children might move in full time at one point.

I am a step mum with two DSC who are with us 50% of the time. DP does everything with them - gets them up, dressed, washed, taken to school, fed ect - and I go about my day and they are nice company. I'm prepared that one/both of them might chose to spend more or less time with us when they are teens.[/quote]
Yes I agree it's more an issue with the DP than the children, completely. But it doesn't really make a difference to the SM as she is still dealing with the same problem, regardless of cause.

It's an issue that doesn't arise/rarely arises when kids don't live with you all the time as dad may enjoy doing everything himself for that short time plus the SM might not mind helping out here and there, but if it was going to be daily then that obviously changes things a lot.

I think if my SCs lived with us full-time it would be very difficult for me to avoid helping out with anything, and I also wouldn't feel that I could just sit around and leave my DP to try and juggle everything as if he was a single parent - I don't feel like I'd be much of a partner if I did that. Plus as OP pointed out above, if it was a sudden change then my DP's life is currently not set up to have FT resident children. Without any assistance from me he would need to give up his job on the spot and try and find something that worked around their schooling. Which would also leave me having to cover all finances in the meantime, so would still massively impact me.

So it really would be a choice between completely changing the whole dynamics of our life together and coping with that, even though it wouldn't be at all what I wanted, or walking away. It would be a very difficult situation for me to face.

[quote pootleforPM]@peboh can you not see though that at the start you might be totally open to them living with you, but several years in, as the kids get older and potentially you don't have a good relationship with them for any of a myriad of reasons that could be anyone's fault or no-one's fault, you might change your mind about this?

Are you supposed to get divorced at the point you change your mind, just in case in the future the children want/need to move in?[/quote]
Yes but to say from the outset before anything has happened? Which is what the discussion is about
Having a stake in the ground
Rather than adapting to change

You are an adult FGS
Are you honestly saying that you are the same as a 9 year old for example?

Marmite, I don't think Youseethethingis is saying that SM's emotions are the same as a child's? But more that some relationships are better off because people are not in each other's faces all the time, and SM and SCs can very definitely be one of those times!

@Woodmarsh

I'm not sure my OH is even open to the kids living with him full time except in the event of their mother's death so no reason I should be

Bloody hell Poor children got the short straw there A father that wouldn’t want them to come and live with him if the need arose or they just wanted to

@LittleMysSister

You are an adult FGS Are you honestly saying that you are the same as a 9 year old for example?

Marmite, I don't think Youseethethingis is saying that SM's emotions are the same as a child's? But more that some relationships are better off because people are not in each other's faces all the time, and SM and SCs can very definitely be one of those times!

Yes but we aren’t talking about any old people here We are talking about your partner’s children

As I keep saying

I couldn’t bloody live with any children that weren’t mine

*Yes but we aren’t talking about any old people here
We are talking about your partner’s children

As I keep saying

I couldn’t bloody live with any children that weren’t mine*

What does this acrually mean though? It's just a but but but... they're his children! Why would that make any difference to whether someone that is not him would want to live with them full time?

* I am a step mum with two DSC who are with us 50% of the time. DP does everything with them - gets them up, dressed, washed, taken to school, fed ect - and I go about my day and they are nice company. I'm prepared that one/both of them might chose to spend more or less time with us when they are teens.*

So you wouldn’t do a family dinner for them?

You see I just find this so depressing for the children

To have their father life someone who is just a bystander when they come to their father’s home. Hovering around in the background

I suppose it’s how you see children and home

I did a naughty search on you @aSofaNearYou

And I’m baffled

You are utterly prolific on the step parenting threads

Is that really such the backseat remote stance you outline here?

Step parenting is obviously some of a preoccupation for you given your posting history

And yet here you are…

I genuinely don’t get it

@Marmitemarinaded

I suppose it’s how you see children and home

I did a naughty search on you @aSofaNearYou

And I’m baffled

You are utterly prolific on the step parenting threads

Is that really such the backseat remote stance you outline here?

I'm not following you?

@ Marmite, I do understand your point but I just don't class the kids maybe moving in at some point as more important than other possible eventualities that may occur in my relationship and change the way I feel about it. So I wouldn't end my relationship just in case it did happen. I would cross the bridge when I came to it.