Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

In reality though why on earth would the children know they were responsible? Unless you sat them down and said 'now you're living with us I'm miserable so I'm leaving', I imagine the conversation would be the same as if parents just naturally grew apart and separated.

This shows a lack of insight into how kids think and deal with things. It would seem the plan would be to stick around for just enough time that you believe the kids, and others, will not make that association. Kids are in no way silly, generally they put 2 and 2 together and make 4. In fact, better than most adults.

Would not the more sensible path be to avoid putting yourself or them into that situation in the first week place potentially knowing this would be the ending?

[quote SpaceshiptoMars]@TheFormidableMrsC

I guess anger is too weak a description of how you really must feel. Beyond betrayed?

Where does this leave you legally? Can you now give Guardianship rights to a sibling/friend?

Your ex cannot vanish into the ether. A private detective can find him for you, if that's what you want. Do you get maintenance, or has he ceased that too?[/quote]
Yes it's been very difficult, thank you for your kind words. I have had a lot of counselling and treatment for PTSD. I have put legal guardians in place, not least my eldest child who is an adult. He does pay maintenance via CMS, minimal amount because "self employed". OW declared £100 a month to be "greedy" while her son was privately educated. She literally resents every hair on my sons head. I have some contact with ex's siblings (who he is also estranged from because of OW) and I will find him if I have to. However, ultimately he's a flake of a parent and we're probably better off. My son will recover but it's very hard currently. I don't want this abandonment to destroy him. This is not the first time either. He did it when son was around 5 for two years as OW didn't want him around. When she got found out, they applied to court for contact and accused me of parental alienation 🤯. The whole thing blows my mind and I don't think I'll ever come to terms with it.

@JustGreatThatIs

In reality though why on earth would the children know they were responsible? Unless you sat them down and said 'now you're living with us I'm miserable so I'm leaving', I imagine the conversation would be the same as if parents just naturally grew apart and separated.

I’m guessing that the process would be long, drawn out and very very painful for the Couple. A relationship is breaking down because children are moving in. Not something that happens neatly and overnight They would know

* , I imagine the conversation would be the same as if parents just naturally grew apart and separated.*

It would be like a divorce
But the kids really were the cause of it!

*This shows a lack of insight into how kids think and deal with things. It would seem the plan would be to stick around for just enough time that you believe the kids, and others, will not make that association. Kids are in no way silly, generally they put 2 and 2 together and make 4. In fact, better than most adults.

Would not the more sensible path be to avoid putting yourself or them into that situation in the first week place potentially knowing this would be the ending?*

If I had a penny for every time that I have read that, when in fact my DSS is, so far, pretty silly.

And no, I do not think it would be a particularly sensible path to bail on an otherwise fruitful relationship because of something that COULD happen but most likely will not. That would be called catastrophising in my book, not being sensible.

In fact surely in some/many cases, it would be a divorce

All this - “so unlikely”

How many threads do I read on mumsnet where the SM hates fact that teen has decided they want to move in with dad full time, or break down in relationship between child and RP, or not moving in but big increase in time around etc

So many times!

@Marmitemarinaded there is whole host of people I wouldn't want to live with as an independent adult including my parents, brother and friends, regardless of how good the relationship

Giving a fig works both ways, step kids can often be very difficult and step parents don't have the unconditional love bioparents do to deal with that

Would not the more sensible path be to avoid putting yourself or them into that situation in the first week place potentially knowing this would be the ending?

Read the climate threads. People do not look ahead and plan much for what they see as unlikely disasters. Martyrs are few and saints rarer still - it's unrealistic to expect stepparents to be a superior breed of human being to the parents.

Again, I think the comparisons between SMs and SDs are unrealistic. It's like comparing mum's and dad's or men and women. Often the expectations on both are vastly different.

While I understand that the amount of time your partner has the kids is relevant...and thst a change from how it was at the beginning when you started the relationship is key, I find it more surprising that SMs are often tearing their hair out even when the situation hasn't changed...the EOW is constantly dreaded in many situations.

OP...there's nothing wrong with admitting it...in fact saying it anonymously is really not an admission as such..it's just throwing it out there yo a bunch of strangers who don't matter.

Some SMs can only cope with EOW and not 50/50...but tbh many dads don't even want their kids more than this...so it balances out.

Ultimately, it's best for the kids to be where they're wanted by all the adults they live with.

It's far better to leave if you can't manage, as there's no point making your life and theirs difficult.

[quote Woodmarsh]@Marmitemarinaded there is whole host of people I wouldn't want to live with as an independent adult including my parents, brother and friends, regardless of how good the relationship

Giving a fig works both ways, step kids can often be very difficult and step parents don't have the unconditional love bioparents do to deal with that[/quote]
Let’s be clear

I couldn’t do it!

But because of that… I won’t get into a relationship with someone with children that could move in

@Marmitemarinaded

All this - “so unlikely”

How many threads do I read on mumsnet where the SM hates fact that teen has decided they want to move in with dad full time, or break down in relationship between child and RP, or not moving in but big increase in time around etc

So many times!

Yeah but firstly, this is not really a neutral space. People come here for advice when they have issues, not normally when they have nothing to complain about so it's not an accurate representation of how often this kind of thing happens/how people feel about it.

And secondly, it depends on each situation and whether it's actually a practical possibility that the child moves in. My SCs would need to move schools and live 100+ miles away from their mum and friends in order to move in with us. Their mum would never agree to that happening while they are under 18 and they just wouldn't want to do it anyway, plus we don't even have enough space for them to move in with us FT.

So in some situations it genuinely is a highly unlikely scenario, barring exceptional circumstances.

Of course you don't know exactly what you are getting into with step kids, just as with your own. And people are completely entitled to have issues with them and ask for advice about it.

But if you are sure you never want to live with them full time...then don't get into a relationship with a parent. I'm not sure about the idea of gender roles this presumes as well - why wouldn't a child want to live full time with their dad at one point. That doesn't mean you would have to 'parent' them, just be a kind and supportive family member in the home. If someone wasn't prepared to do that re my child I wouldn't want to be with them.

While I understand that the amount of time your partner has the kids is relevant...and thst a change from how it was at the beginning when you started the relationship is key, I find it more surprising that SMs are often tearing their hair out even when the situation hasn't changed...the EOW is constantly dreaded in many situations.

For me this is linked to a point Sofa often makes...when SCs are around very part time, it's totally doable to get through what's needed from you as the partner of their parent and for it not to be a problem.

I don't truly look forward to my SCs coming for the weekend but equally it's manageable because the other 90% of the time it's just me and DP.

I wouldn't end my relationship because sometimes I have to spend the weekend doing things I don't massively enjoy in order to entertain the kids, when the rest of the time that's not the case at all.

@Marmitemarinaded could you marry/ be in a relationship with someone (whilst maintaining your own homes) whose children could move in?

Let’s be really clear here, ‘children’ could need to move back to their parents throughout their lives. How many adult children moved back to live with their parents over lockdown?
How many adults move back in with parents when their marriages break down? Or when there are health problems? The list is endless.

Personally that’s why I always think I will maintain a home independent to any partner/ husband. Because my children are not his (and vice versa), I would want the autonomy to make the right decision for my children (whatever their age), without a partner saying ‘no, I don’t want this.’ I would want my partner to have the same autonomy. We all can want our children with us, but to expect others to want the same is unfair and unrealistic.

These issues crop up even in ‘nuclear’ families. I know of many parents who struggled with their adult DC returning throughout Covid. In one case it was the straw that broke the camels back as the father wanted his quiet time whilst the mother loved having the children back and a full house - they recently separated and she is unapologetic about the fact that she put the kids first.

I'm not sure about the idea of gender roles this presumes as well - why wouldn't a child want to live full time with their dad at one point. That doesn't mean you would have to 'parent' them, just be a kind and supportive family member in the home.

This is a bit unrealistic and doesn't reflect the experiences of many stepmums. Quite often, they are expected to take on a lot of the day-to-day care of children, all of the cooking, cleaning, washing etc etc. And then they get grief from their partner if they try to get away from doing that.

I genuinely believe that is a huge factor in why families with a stepfather tend to be more successful than those with a stepmother. One is expected to take on a load of extra duties, while the other is allowed to just be a kind and supportive family member in the home.

I wonder how happy the children are when they share a home with a SM that essentially doesn’t give a fig about them (yes yes you have a great relationship. But come on - you’d actually end a marriage / live with partner at the idea of them living with you. Can’t be that great)
I love my Mum but I wouldn't want to live with her.
Surely it's not that big a leap of the imagination that a relationship which is good in its current format might not transition all that well if placed under the strain of a forced change of fundamental circumstances?
The relationship may well be good because they don't live together.

@LittleMysSister

In that case the problem is the DP and one shouldn't be with him because he can't parent his children, not because his children might move in full time at one point.

I am a step mum with two DSC who are with us 50% of the time. DP does everything with them - gets them up, dressed, washed, taken to school, fed ect - and I go about my day and they are nice company. I'm prepared that one/both of them might chose to spend more or less time with us when they are teens.

Personally I wouldn't enter into a relationship with somebody with children if I wasn't completely open to the idea of them living with us full time. Even if the custody agreement is 50/50, weekends only etc. You never know what is going to happen, and circumstances can change all the time.

@peboh can you not see though that at the start you might be totally open to them living with you, but several years in, as the kids get older and potentially you don't have a good relationship with them for any of a myriad of reasons that could be anyone's fault or no-one's fault, you might change your mind about this?

Are you supposed to get divorced at the point you change your mind, just in case in the future the children want/need to move in?

@HoppingPavlova

In reality though why on earth would the children know they were responsible? Unless you sat them down and said 'now you're living with us I'm miserable so I'm leaving', I imagine the conversation would be the same as if parents just naturally grew apart and separated.

This shows a lack of insight into how kids think and deal with things. It would seem the plan would be to stick around for just enough time that you believe the kids, and others, will not make that association. Kids are in no way silly, generally they put 2 and 2 together and make 4. In fact, better than most adults.

Would not the more sensible path be to avoid putting yourself or them into that situation in the first week place potentially knowing this would be the ending?

No, there is no "plan", I've repeatedly said I would give it my best shot but I don't believe it's a situation I could be happy in longer term, I also even said I may surprise myself!

@Youseethethingis

I wonder how happy the children are when they share a home with a SM that essentially doesn’t give a fig about them (yes yes you have a great relationship. But come on - you’d actually end a marriage / live with partner at the idea of them living with you. Can’t be that great) I love my Mum but I wouldn't want to live with her. Surely it's not that big a leap of the imagination that a relationship which is good in its current format might not transition all that well if placed under the strain of a forced change of fundamental circumstances? The relationship may well be good because they don't live together.

I agree.

It's almost.like saying you can't possibly have a good relationship with someone unless you'd be happy to live with them. Is that the bar for being allowed to describe your relationship as "good"?

I'm not sure about the idea of gender roles this presumes as well - why wouldn't a child want to live full time with their dad at one point. That doesn't mean you would have to 'parent' them

People have repeatedly explained this point too.

As the NRP, a Dad's life may not be currently set up to suddenly have his children full time without their partner stepping in to take on a large chunk of the care as well. If you have a husband who works away a lot for example and currently has his kids EOW when he's home, to go from that to suddenly the kids being there 24/7, it's completely unrealistic to think there won't be some expectation on his partner to take on an active parenting role, at the very least until they'd rearranged their lives to facilitate the now full time arrangement otherwise how would it ever work?

The RP (typically Mum) in the above situation, is not going to have to change AS much of their current set up if something happened that meant their children now didn't see the NRP EOW anymore, same goes for their partner, there isn't going to be THAT much more expected of them because the change is minimal in comparison.

Say the mother dies. The children would hopefully live with their father. That’s what I would hope for my children. I wouldn’t want them going into care when they have a father who could look after them.

If you take on a partner with children then sorry but you do need to assume that this could happen. My partner has a son and i would gladly take him on full time if his mother was to die or be incapable of looking after him.