Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

@Youseethethingis yup I’ve had that too. I’ve also had (earlier in my career), ‘don’t you like your children?’ when I returned to work from maternity leave. My retort ‘don't you like yours?’ (He was a father who left his kids every day to go to work).🤷🏽‍♀️

@pootleforPM, yes it would cause complete upheaval for my partner if that was ever to happen. But in the nicest possible way, that’s not my issue. I should suddenly be expected to turn my life (and that of my children) upside down because he suddenly was a FT parent? Because it’s ‘awful’ if I don’t? Why?

If I became a FT parent overnight, I wouldn’t expect my partner to change a thing. I would look to my family to support, put in a network (paid/ unpaid) to help my children and I. If anything my children would need me more, my focus more. Not my partners time and focus.

@JustGreatThatIs I stand by the fact that there is absolutely nothing wrong with you not wanting this role. I too have had to be crystal clear about boundaries and I will hold them. I am very clear on what works for me/ my children. And I am completely unapologetic about my priorities. I will always try and support my partner, but not to the detriment of my and my children’s well-being. Been there, got the t-shirt and it was brutal on my mental health. Never again. If that means the end of the relationship, again it is what it is. Someone else’s children do not take priority over my needs.

@Goldbar I think the trickiest situations on here occur when people have had the ‘our’ baby. And then suddenly that adds a whole messed up dysfunction to the role of the SM. Especially as her baby is then a half sibling to the SC. For the women in those situations, my heart goes out to them. Because those ties are real and navigating that must be so tough.

Biggest load of shit I have ever read. No one expects anyone to put themselves last above everyone else’s children. Projection at its finest! But as a grown up getting into a relationship with children involved some consideration wouldn’t go amiss! Everyone is so quick to re marry, move in and sod everything else!! Surely if the OPs scenario does come to light, it will ALSO affect HER children as they will no longer be living with someone they have also lived with for X amount of years.

This argument is just never going to go anywhere because there is a failure for commenters like this to understand that the people they are talking about genuinely do not believe this situation is likely to happen. They are not operating the assumption that one day this will come up and they will have to leave their marriage. They believe it probably will not.

@aSofaNearYou

Biggest load of shit I have ever read. No one expects anyone to put themselves last above everyone else’s children. Projection at its finest! But as a grown up getting into a relationship with children involved some consideration wouldn’t go amiss! Everyone is so quick to re marry, move in and sod everything else!! Surely if the OPs scenario does come to light, it will ALSO affect HER children as they will no longer be living with someone they have also lived with for X amount of years.

This argument is just never going to go anywhere because there is a failure for commenters like this to understand that the people they are talking about genuinely do not believe this situation is likely to happen. They are not operating the assumption that one day this will come up and they will have to leave their marriage. They believe it probably will not.

Yes, there a multiple things I can think of that if they happened, would likely end our marriage. It doesn't mean I live in fear of them every day.

@JustGreatThatIs

Yes! They do! do you not read the replies? That’s fine, you deal with it as it comes… but to actually anticipate a VERY likely scenario would cause you to leave and again cause a second/third etc amount of upheaval.. why would you do it ? It just makes no sense! Or at the very least let your DH know, so he can make the informed decision to stay or not. My DH would leave me now if I said that to him!

[quote Beautifulday345]@JustGreatThatIs

Yes! They do! do you not read the replies? That’s fine, you deal with it as it comes… but to actually anticipate a VERY likely scenario would cause you to leave and again cause a second/third etc amount of upheaval.. why would you do it ? It just makes no sense! Or at the very least let your DH know, so he can make the informed decision to stay or not. My DH would leave me now if I said that to him![/quote]
You do not know better than OP that it is very likely. For some in some situations, it is not.

@aSofaNearYou if they don’t believe it will happen, we wouldn’t even have this thread to comment on

@JustGreatThatIs

I cannot imagine my SIL walking away from her marriage because he arrived

So if your SIL gave it her best but long term ended up very unhappy and wanting to leave the marriage, you'd judge her for that?

Yes. Actually I would. If she had committed to her husband and committed to the child, I think you see these things through. Children are not children for ever.

I think it’s more about not setting yourself up to be in a position where you’d feel the need to walk away - an honest conversation before commitment and bringing additional children of your own to the relationship.

[quote Beautifulday345]@JustGreatThatIs

Yes! They do! do you not read the replies? That’s fine, you deal with it as it comes… but to actually anticipate a VERY likely scenario would cause you to leave and again cause a second/third etc amount of upheaval.. why would you do it ? It just makes no sense! Or at the very least let your DH know, so he can make the informed decision to stay or not. My DH would leave me now if I said that to him![/quote]
It depends though, I wouldn't class it as a VERY likely scenario in our case at all. The main reason why SC would move in with us is if something happened to their Mum, would you class that as a VERY likely scenario? I don't.

It may happen obviously, but I wouldn't say it was VERY likely.

It's about as likely as my husband getting addicted to gambling, meeting someone else, us drifting apart naturally or any other reason for a relationship not to work out.

I appreciate there may be situations where it's more likely than others. But it doesn't mean in every step parenting situation it's a VERY likely outcome.

I started the thread because I read comments on here before about 'what if X happened and they had to live with you full time' and my honest reaction is 'God that would be awful and I doubt we'd make it!'.

As PP said, the NRP often would usually require much more support in suddenly having to care for their DC full time. RPs already care for their DC the majority of the time (in most cases) and so a new partner adding into that situation doesn't usually change much and they know how things are from the off.

If my husband's children came to live with us, it would likely mean I'd have to help a lot, he doesn't have family round here like his ex does, he'd have to find another job likely so that he could be around more, and quite simply I do not wish to basically become a full time parent to two other children overnight, that would make me miserable and as I've said over and over, whilst I'd try because I love my husband, I imagine in the long run I'd end up unhappy enough to leave.

*Yes. Actually I would. If she had committed to her husband and committed to the child, I think you see these things through. Children are not children for ever.

I think it’s more about not setting yourself up to be in a position where you’d feel the need to walk away - an honest conversation before commitment and bringing additional children of your own to the relationship.*

In that case you need to apply that same judgment to anyone that leaves a relationship with children involved. They too put themselves in a situation where they felt the need to walk away and brought children to the relationship 🤷‍♀️

@sassbott I totally agree with you. And it's why, if my SC ever wanted / needed to come and live here, I would think very very carefully about what that meant for me, and how it would impact on the rest of my life not just in the short term. DH works weird hours and is often away, and we have no family locally so I can see that unless a lot of fairly drastic changes were made to our lives (which neither of us would really want), a lot of the day to day parenting would actually fall to me by - in my personal scenario I might actually be ok with that, but if, for example, SDC was a stroppy teen who was really unpleasant to be around, or he had 3 unruly primary aged children, I think I would have to step away and leave him to deal with it. And I would not feel remotely guilty about that on the children's behalf.

@aSofaNearYou

Biggest load of shit I have ever read. No one expects anyone to put themselves last above everyone else’s children. Projection at its finest! But as a grown up getting into a relationship with children involved some consideration wouldn’t go amiss! Everyone is so quick to re marry, move in and sod everything else!! Surely if the OPs scenario does come to light, it will ALSO affect HER children as they will no longer be living with someone they have also lived with for X amount of years.

This argument is just never going to go anywhere because there is a failure for commenters like this to understand that the people they are talking about genuinely do not believe this situation is likely to happen. They are not operating the assumption that one day this will come up and they will have to leave their marriage. They believe it probably will not.

Agree with this.

Literally the only situation where my SCs would live with myself and their dad full-time before they leave school is if their mum passes away, which obviously I very much hope wouldn't happen given she is only mid-40s.

There is no other scenario where they'd live full-time with us. They live over 100 miles away as their mum moved to be near her family when she split with DP, so their whole lives are there.

If we lived nearer, there would be a much greater chance of my SS moving in with us in his teens as he's very close to my DP, but we don't so it wouldn't happen.

Maybe when he has finished school/college, I could see it happening then. But that is many years away still.

If she had committed to her husband and committed to the child, I think you see these things through. Children are not children for ever.

Assuming you'll be saying the same to any posters on the relationship board leaving a relationship with children involved then? They committed to their husband and the children won't be children forever after all.

@Potatoy

Same. Very strange that people think marrying the parent is primarily about becoming a step parent, rather than just marrying them.

I find it odd too, there is nowhere in the wedding vows for the children!

"For better and worse" you don't marry just the parts you want, you marry the whole thing

I think it would be better to walk away up front if you don’t believe you would stay in the scenario the partners kids lived with you full time.

In our immediate circle of friends we have one couple where mum died of breast cancer and dad had kids permanently, although that started at a point where it was obvious it was terminal as opposed to after death as it was agreed that was in the kids best interest. Another couple where they have the kids full time as the main resident parent suffered an accident, survived but was in a rehab facility for well over a year and is now in an assisted living situation. In our extended friendship group there is also another couple with the a child full time as one parent, other step parent and their siblings died in an accident of which they were the only survivor.

I would look at this up front as a situation with a distinct possibility. What I wouldn’t do is, knowing I wouldn’t stay, wait it out until it happened and then further traumatise an already traumatised child/children by giving the clear message that their new permanent presence was so unpalatable that you’d prefer to leave and add an extra layer of disruption and instability at a time where that’s the least thing they need. No one needs to say it but children are not stupid. Why potentially place yourself or them in this position? That’s not being an adult and not being responsible.

further traumatise an already traumatised child/children by giving the clear message that their new permanent presence was so unpalatable that you’d prefer to leave and add an extra layer of disruption and instability at a time where that’s the least thing they need

Again, I never said I'd leave straight away. I said I'd try bit in the LONG TERM, I don't think it's a situation I could be happy in.

I wouldn't just file the papers the minute their mother passed away (god forbid).

Relationships end for all sorts of reasons. If it were for any other reason, would you expect me to stay "for the children"?

Same. Very strange that people think marrying the parent is primarily about becoming a step parent, rather than just marrying them.

I agree completely and think that is one of the main issues that causes clashes of opinions here.

For most SPs, certainly for me, my SCs are part and parcel of being with my DP, in the same way his parents are. But they are not the deciding factor in whether I want to be with him or not.

However, they probably would be if they lived with him full-time as that would completely change the nature of our relationship and our day-to-day life.

I would look at this up front as a situation with a distinct possibility. What I wouldn’t do is, knowing I wouldn’t stay, wait it out until it happened and then further traumatise an already traumatised child/children by giving the clear message that their new permanent presence was so unpalatable that you’d prefer to leave and add an extra layer of disruption and instability at a time where that’s the least thing they need. No one needs to say it but children are not stupid. Why potentially place yourself or them in this position? That’s not being an adult and not being responsible.

Potentially 3 sets of children to be traumatised in this situation. Not going to be easy on the resident children if say, 3 or 4 suddenly bereaved children end up on the doorstep. A huge insurance payout might help a bit, but none of children are going to enjoy suddenly having to share space and attention. Suddenly having 7 children of different ages all reacting badly and acting out is no minor challenge for the SM - or Grandma, Auntie or whoever else is taking the job on. Speaking from childhood experience here, when my own DM died and I became a parcel in pass the parcel.

I hope you’re not blaming your stepmother for your crappy experience @SunUmbrella. The blame should actually fall to your father because he should’ve chosen your safety over his own convenience and comfort. He was too cowardly or callous to step up to parent you. The onus is on him not your stepmother

Hmmm….of course you’re right, the father in this instance was weak and should have stepped up and supported his daughter. I am not sure, however, that somehow absolves a step parent of having to behave with some basic human decency. It is very common that children fall between the gap of their parents’ new relationships, frequently encouraged by new partners for whom it is easier, more desirable to pretend that children don’t exist. But they do exist, need support of all kinds into adulthood and beyond and no adult should be trying to curtail the parent/child relationship for their own benefit. In fact, we should, as step parents, be disgusted by a partner prepared to abandon a child in favour of a new relationship. I am not personally comfortable with the notion an adult can do what they want - including being integral in treating children badly - just because they are not directly responsible.

@Beautifulday345 consideration? Of course I would give consideration. Consideration is a very long way away from suddenly stepping up and taking on the role of a fulltime ‘mother.’

Would I give consideration to the fact that these children had lost their mum? Of course
Would I give consideration to the fact that overnight my partner is a fulltime parent? Of course.
Would I try and lend support/ make adjustments / provide financial assistance if needed? Of course.
Would I make compromises in what I expected from my relationship. Yes, to a point.
Would I step in and take them on fulltime? No.

The conversation about taking children on fulltime? We’re talking about parental responsibility/ adoption. Do people realise that? I have a colleague who has adopted his wives children. They are married. All of these tricky conversations re parental responsibility/ adoption happened years down the line. And they are very separate from marrying / living with someone with children.

The onus is on the parents to have these conversations if they feel it is important to them in a partner. I wouldn’t have it with anyone as I never expect any partner to adopt/ have PR over my children. If my partners feels this is important, he should have that conversation with me. At which point I will be super clear and say ‘sorry, no. Not prepared to do that.’

"For better and worse" wink you don't marry just the parts you want, you marry the whole thing
Indeed, but thankfully people are no longer obliged to remain married when they are deeply unhappy. The cause of the unhappiness doesn't matter, if it cannot be fixed then you can leave.

I would look at this up front as a situation with a distinct possibility. What I wouldn’t do is, knowing I wouldn’t stay, wait it out until it happened and then further traumatise an already traumatised child/children by giving the clear message that their new permanent presence was so unpalatable that you’d prefer to leave and add an extra layer of disruption and instability at a time where that’s the least thing they need. No one needs to say it but children are not stupid. Why potentially place yourself or them in this position? That’s not being an adult and not being responsible.

I think theoretically everyone can see the logic and feel sympathy for children in this situation.

But the hard reality is how many people would be able to put their own happiness and welfare aside to live in a situation they were utterly miserable in, in order to protect the feelings of children that aren't theirs?

Speaking for myself and taking into account my current good relationship with my SCs, I genuinely hand on heart can't give an answer either way. I don't know whether I could live that way.

Also, someone in my family lost their mum when they were young and his SM raised him from about 11. He made her life miserable through his teenage years, was spiteful and nasty to her frequently, and even now doesn't regard her as a member of his family really, and is concerned with inheritance that he believes should be his now that she and his dad have married - even though she has been in his life longer than his own mum, has paid more into the family home and has given him money towards his wedding, buying a house etc etc. It really can be such a hard life for an SP when a child loses a parent, I don't think I would be strong enough to withstand all of this if it happened to me.

@Getawaywithit

I hope you’re not blaming your stepmother for your crappy experience @SunUmbrella. The blame should actually fall to your father because he should’ve chosen your safety over his own convenience and comfort. He was too cowardly or callous to step up to parent you. The onus is on him not your stepmother

Hmmm….of course you’re right, the father in this instance was weak and should have stepped up and supported his daughter. I am not sure, however, that somehow absolves a step parent of having to behave with some basic human decency. It is very common that children fall between the gap of their parents’ new relationships, frequently encouraged by new partners for whom it is easier, more desirable to pretend that children don’t exist. But they do exist, need support of all kinds into adulthood and beyond and no adult should be trying to curtail the parent/child relationship for their own benefit. In fact, we should, as step parents, be disgusted by a partner prepared to abandon a child in favour of a new relationship. I am not personally comfortable with the notion an adult can do what they want - including being integral in treating children badly - just because they are not directly responsible.

I agree step parents shouldn't be absolved of all responsibility. But that poster said that had there not been a step parenting telling them no then the father would have provided a home for his child, cared for her and she'd not have had to live on unsuitable accomodation.

That's not really the case is it. If that father had been a good father he'd have told his wife to sling her hook and taken care of his daughter.

The idea that if an evil SM hadn't been whispering in his ear then this guy would have been a good dad is just ridiculous. He obviously isn't a good dad in the first place if that's all it takes to abandon his child.

That's not really the case is it. If that father had been a good father he'd have told his wife to sling her hook and taken care of his daughter.

The idea that if an evil SM hadn't been whispering in his ear then this guy would have been a good dad is just ridiculous. He obviously isn't a good dad in the first place if that's all it takes to abandon his child.

Exactly. My DP and my own dad would never have done this.