Is it okay to admit that you'd leave if DSC ever had to come live with you full time?

[JustGreatThatIs]

Whilst I do like my DSC, I just don't think I'd enjoy a life where they lived with us all of the tjme and so I believe that whilst I'd give it my best shot, it could inevitably lead to the end of me and DH.

What if god forbid something happened to their Mam and you and your DH are the only option. I think this is really cold. Although I'm not the biggest fan of my child's SM I know she does not hold this opinion.

What if god forbid something happened to their Mam and you and your DH are the only option.

Wow, well done on being the first person to ask this question! 🤦‍♀️

@Beautifulday345 no, I’m not prepared to accept ‘all’ that comes with it.

As I have explained before, I entered this situation with huge amounts of naiveity and hope. Then when I saw my partners children’s emotional issues as a result of the high conflict behaviour from their mother, I realised very quickly that
A) these children could be weaponised
B) that made the situation very precarious for me and more importantly my own children
C) I was not prepared to take on/ accept any of it or have it in my home.

Why should I? Had I been married at that point, my stance would have remained the exact same. This and other things resulted in my partner and I breaking up.

Life is hard enough, all of us (especially those of us divorced/ with our own children), are already running at 100 miles an hour. I am stretched enough ensuring I keep my career on track, that my children are ok, worrying about how I build a nest egg for retirement. Those are my very real priorities. Not someone else’s children and the potential of what would happen that I ‘should’ accept.

No. The only things I have to ‘accept’ are regards my own children. I expect no one else to view their responsibilities re my children in the same way I do, irrespective of whether we are together as partners or more officially because we went somewhere and said ‘I do.’

YANBU I wouldn’t want to either, it does sound like a lot of hassle. Especially as a woman as there are way more expectations, than if you were a man. But lm probably a bad person to ask as l don’t date men with children, it’s too much trouble and l can do better

@MrsN85

What if god forbid something happened to their Mam and you and your DH are the only option. I think this is really cold. Although I'm not the biggest fan of my child's SM I know she does not hold this opinion.

Then my husband would step up and take on full time care of his children. My eventual unhappiness and leaving wouldn't change that.

Do you think it's cold because you think I should have to play mother to the DC if something happened to their Mum? Genuinely curious.

And if something happened to me, my children will vehemently reject any woman who tries to be their ‘mum.’ They would need their dad, my family members. If anything if any poor woman tried to step into my shoes, she would become the target of their anger / sadness. I would not wish that on any woman.

For all the people sitting here up in arms over the ‘coldness’, stop projecting.
Since I stepped back from contact with my partners children, our relationship has improved immeasurably. They get the focus they need from their parent. Any loyalty conflict their mother is attempting is failing, because she cannot keep it up consistently, and she has no idea the frequency of when I see her children.
They have gone from ignoring me/ staring through me, to asking for me. And the time we do spend together is lovely.

By stepping away, I have done the best possible thing for these children. And the same can be said in the scenario that the OP has outlined.

And if something happened to me, my children will vehemently reject any woman who tries to be their ‘mum.’ They would need their dad, my family members. If anything if any poor woman tried to step into my shoes, she would become the target of their anger / sadness. I would not wish that on any woman

Yes, I wonder if the comments about it being cold and callous are because posters think you should stay and fulfill the 'mother role' if the children had lost theirs and by leaving you are abandoning children who see you as the only mother they have. In reality that's not always going to be realistic.

What if god forbid something happened to their Mam and you and your DH are the only option

DH is the only option OP does not have to be an option.

I can do better
Unlike us poor cows scraping the barrel because that's all we could get?

My OH kids would be far happier just them and their Dad if their mum died than if I hung around

OH is fully aware I wouldn't live with his kids full time, it's highly unlikely to happen. Even if their mother did die its possible they would go to their Aunts part time and us part time

Honestly don't know why you're with a man with kids if you wouldn't be happy to live with all of them. That's awful tbh. My dsd came to live with us full time 2 years ago and it was the best thing and I always told my husband before that that if that scenario would arise I would support him. Even if It is a scenario that isn't likely I think I'd leave dp to find someone without kids, so they can find someone supportive and who wouldn't be looking for the chance to leave.

I have a friend who has recently split with her DH a result of her late teen SCs moving in. She had been with their dad a few years when they got married and bought a house together - she is by far the higher earner and put in most of the deposit. Until then, because of their ages she hadn't spent a huge amount of time with them - when they were at their dad's she tended to stay at her own flat as it was clear they weren't particularly interested in her or in having any kind of SM role - fair enough, not much of a relationship but no animosity either. Given their ages, she didn't see this as a huge problem as it was likely they would soon be getting on with their own lives / off to Uni etc.

However, once she bought the house with their dad, they started coming over much more regularly - nice big house to bring their mates to, bedroom each instead of sharing like they'd done previously. Then they both decided to move in. But ignoring her while they were there - no hello, no how was your day SM, literally nothing. Any attempts at conversation on her part were met with blank stares or snippy answers. She used to avoid going home if they were there. She spoke to her partner about it and his response was always that SHE needed to make more effort - absolutely no recognition at all of the rude little brats he'd raised who were more than happy to enjoy the financial benefit she'd brought to their life but wouldn't even say hello to her. It's impacted her MH massively, and they have now split - which would never have happened if it wasn't for the increased time they suddenly started spending there, and their eventual moving in.

In any scenario where there is little, or a fractious relationship between SM and DSCs (which may not evolve or be evident for several years of knowing each other) DSCs moving in is likely to cause problems. Many SMs know this as regards their own personal situation and will be fully aware that DSCs moving in spells the end of their relationship. It's not wrong to want to protect yourself from the slow and painful disintegration of your relationship by making the decision to end it first before the problems start.

Personally I wouldn’t be in a relationship with someone who felt that way. I certainly wouldn’t have children in that relationship. Luckily it won’t happen, but has happened to one of my SIL who found herself as step mother to a ten year old whose own mother had died very suddenly from flu a few years back. Her husband had been an occasional weekend father and the lad had lived with mother and second husband who then didn’t want the poor boy full time.
He had to move everything in his life, found a completely new extended family etc. He’s settled now and doing well, but I cannot imagine my SIL walking away from her marriage because he arrived.

I cannot imagine my SIL walking away from her marriage because he arrived

So if your SIL gave it her best but long term ended up very unhappy and wanting to leave the marriage, you'd judge her for that?

@MrsMiddleMother have you read any of the nuanced posts explaining the ‘whys’ before your sweeping judgement of ‘it’s awful.’

I love how there is just a swathe of posters not reading the thread, or attempting to even understand another view point before declaring how ‘awful’ some of us are for having a viewpoint different to theirs.

Bluntly? No I wouldn’t support my partner. I am financially independent and stable. I have no conflict with my exh so as a result my kids are well behaved and emotionally stable (touchwood). I rely on him for no logistical help in my life - as I outlined further upthread, I continue to pay for a nanny to look after my children despite him being able to wfh since Covid started. All DIY on my house is done by me - it’s my house after all.

On what basis should I then step up and support him in the event that his children have to live with him FT? Aside from adhoc support when I have my DC 60% of the time, I expect nothing from him. So I’ll be damned if I then take on more for him.

My kids, I parent and provide for them.
His kids? He would need to do the same. I wouldn’t be ‘stepping up.’ Fuck that.

I am genuinely aghast at the amount of posters who seem to have regressed to the 50’s/ 60’s in terms of their ‘expectations’ of what women should be prepared to do.

Why if we meet a man with children is there an assumption that we should step up and support? That assumption does not exist with men. No one expects my partner to have any sort of hands on input with my DC. No one has ever asked ‘do you watch them/ take them to cricket/ rugby/ football?’. Why would he? No one has ever asked ‘do you go to their school events/ show an interest in their hobbies’. Again, why would he?

Yet somehow as women this is what we ‘should’ do. Why?

As an independent successful woman, my no.1 priority is my health. If I am emotionally, physically and mentally healthy that is best for my children and myself. That enables me to work hard and provide for not only my children, but my own future/ retirement. I deliberately didn’t have more children than I have (and my partner very much wanted more with me), as I am at capacity already between my children and my career. I have no more to give in terms of ‘parenting’ and that includes to my partners children.

My priorities are spot on. I will possibly marry my partner, who knows - if it happens it’s years away. But I won’t ever take on ‘mother’ to his children.

Don't know where you get the energy to be aghast @sassbott
My boss said to me the other week "oh is DH babysitting then?" when I said I was meeting a friend after work.
I replied "only if you'd say I was babysitting when he was out for a round of golf last night"
To then get "oooh we all know who wears the trousers in your house don't we?"
I was raging. No, my husband does not babysit, nor does he "help" me with housework. They are his kids and his house, it's not a special favour to me for him to do his share of looking after them!
Suspect I'm now pegged as a raging man hating feminist type.
Oh well.
But yes, the attitude runs deep and definitely colours opinion of SMs and their womanly duties toward the children.

@sassbott I think that's the heart of the matter. RPs like yourself tend to have their lives set up in a way that facilitates being able to finance, care for and parent your children solo in the time they are with you, any partner that then comes along is kind of like a bonus - not really needed on any level by the children, but available to support in event of an emergency, and hopefully just have a nice relationship with the children. Even if their NRP DF were to die, then they are already living in their main home with the RP and life would, to a certain extent, carry on as normal.

Many NRPs have their lives set up in a way that does not factor in caring for their children full time. So SDCs suddenly moving in, particularly if the NRP were single, would present a massive headache practically - might have to change jobs, take a salary hit, move to a different area to get more family support, source and pay for childcare, deal with potentially angry or bereaved children who up until now have spent most of their time with the RP. And I think a lot of NRPs (and mainly we are talking about men here let's be honest) would really struggle to cope - hence needing / expecting more support from their DW/DP if they have one in caring for the DCs than would ever be expected the other way round. It is rare that DCs live mostly with the DF, and would then have to go and live with their DM if he died, if that were the case I expect the DM/NRP would similarly struggle to cope.

[quote pootleforPM]@sassbott I think that's the heart of the matter. RPs like yourself tend to have their lives set up in a way that facilitates being able to finance, care for and parent your children solo in the time they are with you, any partner that then comes along is kind of like a bonus - not really needed on any level by the children, but available to support in event of an emergency, and hopefully just have a nice relationship with the children. Even if their NRP DF were to die, then they are already living in their main home with the RP and life would, to a certain extent, carry on as normal.

Many NRPs have their lives set up in a way that does not factor in caring for their children full time. So SDCs suddenly moving in, particularly if the NRP were single, would present a massive headache practically - might have to change jobs, take a salary hit, move to a different area to get more family support, source and pay for childcare, deal with potentially angry or bereaved children who up until now have spent most of their time with the RP. And I think a lot of NRPs (and mainly we are talking about men here let's be honest) would really struggle to cope - hence needing / expecting more support from their DW/DP if they have one in caring for the DCs than would ever be expected the other way round. It is rare that DCs live mostly with the DF, and would then have to go and live with their DM if he died, if that were the case I expect the DM/NRP would similarly struggle to cope.[/quote]
I definitely agree there would be more expectations on the NRPs partner/spouse in these circumstances than the other way around. As you say, the RP would already be caring for their DC the majority of the time, the upheaval may not be to the same magnitude.

Which is exactly why I would hate it. I do not want to essentially become a mother (I don't mean in the sense of replacing their Mum but in terms of practicalities) to two more children overnight. That would make me miserable I'm fairly sure.

@pootleforPM. I think that's right. And let's face it, a lot of NRPs look to other women in their lives (new partner, mother) to meet their responsibilities to their DC. You see that in step-mums being bullied to take SDC to activities or to provide holiday childcare.

It probably depends on what your husband/partner is like. If they work very long hours, are disengaged with their children and look to you to feed/entertain SDC when they visit, you can bet it's not going to get better if the kids are there the whole time. If they're involved, responsible, do their share and don't view you as free childcare, it would probably be OK.

You see that in step-mums being bullied to take SDC to activities or to provide holiday childcare

Yes seen it multiple times on here and I've also seen multiple poster's encourage it as well. There definitely is an engrained expectation on women when it comes to children.

I myself have had to really be firm about boundaries otherwise I know they'd have been trampled by now, by both my husband and his ex. The amount of times she's asked my husband if I'll help out with X Y or Z when her partner does absolutely nothing.

I would say it sounds like you have a DH problem, OP, but in reality a large minority (if not a majority) of men view women's time not only as less valuable than their own but as a commodity at their disposal. They steal it without even realising that's what they're doing when they leave their partner to get up with their children or make dinner for them.

It strikes me that the division in a post like this lies between women who believe they should primarily care for themselves & their own dc, & women who believe that Women should never put themselves first & should care for All dc, no matter what.
Well years of scenario number two has resulted in women being second class citizens & martyrs in their own homes and in society in general & has really gotten no one anywhere!
No one, on here or elsewhere, is going to tell me that the happiness of my partner's dc is more important than mine or that of my dc & it infuriates me beyond belief that people come on here shrieking at women who are brave and honest enough to speak the truth about their feelings.
When I met my exdp things re the dc were fine. They were all teens & young adults & roughly the same ages. However, over approximately 18 months things became not fine. His dc's dm had gone postal, had put them in loyalty binds (even at their ages) & their bad behaviour became focused on my dc who had never been anything but polite & welcoming to them. There was NO way I would ever have lived with those dc just because they were my partners sons & yes, I had to be blunt & tell him this as marriage was proposed. He then suggested not blending which I agreed to and it worked for the dc but ultimately it didn't work for us.
I loved my partner very much but was prepared to let my relationship go for the sake of my MH & that of my dc. During our break up it became evident that he held a certain amount of blame on my doorstep for not being more flexible re his dc. I absolutely baulked at this & remember very clearly pointing out to him that it was not my job to make myself miserable dealing with the dysfunctional fall out from his marriage/divorce which was impacting his dc & which they in turn were being ALLOWED (by their parents) project onto me & my dc.
And yes, exdp spent more time with my dc but like others on here I provided for & parented my dc without any help or expectation of help from him. I handled relations between my dc & him fairly & maturely & as a result he & my dc had a lovely, respectful relationship.
I may have felt differently about his dc if their parents had stopped treating them like the Only Children To Ever Experience Divorce & had actually taught them some manners instead of blaming each other for their woeful behaviour.
Choosing to live full time with someone else's dc is a multi layered decision. It was easy for my exdp to live with my dc because they are easy kids, parented fully by me and they are also at their dads 30/40 % of the time. If that had ever changed he may have chosen to step back/leave & I wouldn't have blamed him for that because I don't see my dc through rose coloured glasses & I wouldn't expect anyone else bar their dad to be with them 24/7 & actually like it!
I cannot understand why some women on here cannot see this & why they expect women to put up with all manner of shite for the sake of dc who aren't their own!
Leaving a situation whereby you can't live with someone else's dc full time does not make anyone (man or woman) selfish or awful - it makes them brave & honest.

@Magda72
It strikes me that the division in a post like this lies between women who believe they should primarily care for themselves & their own dc, & women who believe that Women should never put themselves first & should care for All dc, no matter what.

Biggest load of shit I have ever read. No one expects anyone to put themselves last above everyone else’s children. Projection at its finest! But as a grown up getting into a relationship with children involved some consideration wouldn’t go amiss! Everyone is so quick to re marry, move in and sod everything else!! Surely if the OPs scenario does come to light, it will ALSO affect HER children as they will no longer be living with someone they have also lived with for X amount of years.

[quote Beautifulday345]@Magda72
It strikes me that the division in a post like this lies between women who believe they should primarily care for themselves & their own dc, & women who believe that Women should never put themselves first & should care for All dc, no matter what.

Biggest load of shit I have ever read. No one expects anyone to put themselves last above everyone else’s children. Projection at its finest! But as a grown up getting into a relationship with children involved some consideration wouldn’t go amiss! Everyone is so quick to re marry, move in and sod everything else!! Surely if the OPs scenario does come to light, it will ALSO affect HER children as they will no longer be living with someone they have also lived with for X amount of years.[/quote]
People leave relationships with children involved because of their own happiness all the time.