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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Rude DSD

158 replies

PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:20

Will keep it brief. Need some useful and thoughtful advice please. Usual vipers not welcome. Smile

DSD, 15. Just got back from work, DH has taken DSS to football so just me and her. I come in, she's lying on the sofa on her phone, with a film on. I heat up my food (she had already had hers), feed the animals, come into the lounge.
'Hello DSD you alright darling?'
(In a very rude and surly way 'Yeah'.

Nothing else. Thats literally it. She has form for this, I have had to sit her down before and ask her that at least when I say hello I would appreciate a hello back.

The atmosphere is awful, awkward and toxic. DH not back until 8PM.

I've come up to my bedroom to read. I feel like a lodger in my own home and her the moody landlord who doesn't like me encroaching on her space.

I have tried EVERYTHING. I mean everything over the years. (Been with DH 6 years, married for 2). I've done talking, I've done days out, I've done stepping back, I've organised daddy/daughter days, but I'm getting to the stage where I think its honestly just her personality, and thats okay, but surely a basic level of respect is ok?

Its not just me shes like this with, she's even worse with her mum and DH but I just don't feel strong enough to deal with it. Sad

OP posts:
Nojobforoldmums · 27/07/2021 19:24

She sounds like a 15 year-old being a 15 year old.

KylieKoKo · 27/07/2021 19:24

If she's like this with you I would insist that dh takes her with him if he wants to go out while she is there for a start. Does he know how much it gets to you?

NordicBerry · 27/07/2021 19:26

Sounds like my dd to be fair

girlmom21 · 27/07/2021 19:27

She's a teenager - what are you expecting?

Original poster
PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:30

@KylieKoKo

If she's like this with you I would insist that dh takes her with him if he wants to go out while she is there for a start. Does he know how much it gets to you?
Good idea in future I think. She doesn't like going to football etc with DSS and DH but until she can speak to me in a basic cordial manner I don't see why I should need to continue like this.

I think he knows, yes. He's just text saying he needs to work on it. Shes been like this since I've known her, teen hormones etc obviously make it worse but all of us, including her DM, think it is just her as a person.

I work with teens and have known many in my life, so I totally get people saying 'normal 15 year old' etc. The difference being is i feel I have absolutely no authority, unlike if she were mine.

I think I'm actually scared of her and the eggshells Confused

OP posts:
candlelightsatdawn · 27/07/2021 19:32

This isn't a stepdaughter issue so much as teenagers are and can be frequently rude little blighters.

My only advice to practice self care for yourself . Get DH to handle it aka basics standard of you are not rude to anyone (without exception) and consequences that are enforced if she doesn't adhere to it. Make it uncomfortable for DH each time so that he acts.

She will come out of it eventually. Teenagers are vapid little creatures without empathy sometimes. It's the parents role to make sure they turn into decent adult.

Sending relaxing and chilled thoughts. Teenagers are horrific, it's not you unfortunately it's the age.

Howshouldibehave · 27/07/2021 19:32

Does she live with you?

candlelightsatdawn · 27/07/2021 19:34

Just seen your update : if she thinks she can get away with it she will. Make sure you rob her of this illusion, and DH too. Not work on it. Fix it each time

Fullofglee · 27/07/2021 19:36

Does she have her own space to do this op like a bedroom with a TV I'd be aned if I was sitting in my bedroom when I could be in the front room..

Original poster
PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:37

Thank you all Flowers

We have her 50/50. I'm honestly not sure if she will come out of it, as I say she has always been like this, I've known her since she was 8.

I know DH has to deal with it when he gets back, but a big part of me doesn't want him to because she will know I've text him about it and she will think I'm horrid. God I sound pathetic.

OP posts:
Original poster
PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:37

@Fullofglee

Does she have her own space to do this op like a bedroom with a TV I'd be aned if I was sitting in my bedroom when I could be in the front room..
Oh yes, she has her own room, recently decorated exactly how she wants, with big TV, xbox, the works.
OP posts:
AllTheSingleLadiess · 27/07/2021 19:47

My nearly 15 year old is like this but unlike you I can directly comment when he's being monosyllabic. (No idea if it pricks his conscience but I don't have to bottle it which is fair of course)

Cloverforever · 27/07/2021 19:47

Your last comment sounds like you begrudge her having a nice room?

Original poster
PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:49

@Cloverforever

Your last comment sounds like you begrudge her having a nice room?
Ffs no I absolutley wasn't. (That didn't take long) It was in direct response to a PP who was checking if she had her own space she could retreat to. I was simply listing the things she had to illustrate that she had everything in her own room she would need if she wanted to retreat to her safe space. Jesus.
OP posts:
Original poster
PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:52

@AllTheSingleLadiess

My nearly 15 year old is like this but unlike you I can directly comment when he's being monosyllabic. (No idea if it pricks his conscience but I don't have to bottle it which is fair of course)
Thank you, yes thats what I'm getting at. If she was mine I would feel more able to call out rude behaviour. I feel like that is the role of her DDAD and DM, but what do I do in these situations when they're not around? Just suck it up?
OP posts:
LemonRoses · 27/07/2021 19:53

In fairness to the child, you sound like you have a horrible attitude towards her.
The girls not actually done anything very wrong.
Maybe next time, tell her beforehand that you’d like to go out for a meal together or will pick up a takeaway and involve inheritance in choosing. Ask about her day. Pay her compliments. Try liking her.

Certainly don’t send her out with her father. A fifteen year old should be able to relax in their own home.

Fullofglee · 27/07/2021 19:57

I'd redirect her to own space then and reclaim the living room back. I'd be the same with any of my dc being you'll step daughter is no different.

Aquamarine1029 · 27/07/2021 20:04

@Nojobforoldmums

She sounds like a 15 year-old being a 15 year old.
Enough with this bullshit generalising. I was never like this, mine were never like this, and I know loads of teens who are not/were not like this. Of course every teen can have moments, but this jaw dropping, chronic lack of respect and nastiness to their parents is not normal, and it certainly shouldn't be tolerated. Not for one fucking minute. Where are the consequences for this behaviour, op?
AllTheSingleLadiess · 27/07/2021 20:05

It depends on the vibe of your household but I wouldn't mind if you told my son that he's welcome to stay and watch some tv with me if he's going to be more sociable or he might want to chill in his room if he wants to be alone. I certainly wouldn't expect you to hide in your room like you'd done nothing wrong.

We are generally a light teasing kind of household. I live with 2 teens and it helps that sometimes they call each other out on those kind of days. It's not turned into a big deal but it makes me feel better that it's noticed and noted. Plus as their mum my tolerance for this is obviously higher than if they were my stepchildren.

Woodmarsh · 27/07/2021 20:15

@lemonroses the step daughter is the one with the attitude.

OP should also be able to relax in her own home without feeling like she is the lodger or walking on eggshells, that's not ok

User233332 · 27/07/2021 20:16

Oh yes, she has her own room, recently decorated exactly how she wants, with big TV, xbox, the works

Then she needs to go in it.

You shouldn't be feeling awkward and like you need to be quietly reading in your bedroom. It's your house, go downstairs and use the lounge, she can use her bedroom if she's going to great an atmosphere.

If you don't feel comfortable speaking to her yourself can you ask DH to speak to her and encourage her to use her own room for this sort of thing.

There's no problem with teenagers using communal spaces but they shouldn't be used to sit there making everyone else feel awkward whilst you doss about on your phone and hogging the TV.

AlmostSummer21 · 27/07/2021 20:21

Start treating her as you would if she was yours! It's your home!! If you can't ignore it, tell her to go to her room until she can be civil 💁🏻‍♀️

Shelddd · 27/07/2021 20:21

It seems like you are trying to micromanage her speech. Literally going as far as to suggest what words are appropriate when saying hello. By the way you didn't even say hello, you asked if she was alright and that is a yes or no question which she answered yes to. It wasn't really an engaging question.

Branleuse · 27/07/2021 20:26

I think you are not necessarily helping the situation by message her dad to tell her shes been surly. Shes just chilling at home, she might just want to be quiet and not chatty and left alone. I think if one of my teenagers responded like this id laugh and respond oh alright grumpy, and carry on doing my own thing, or remind her that its a communal space and if shes not wanting to interact then can she go in her room and grump about in there.

Durbeyfield · 27/07/2021 20:28

I totally understand that you feel you have no authority as she’s not your child. I’ve been in that situation. However - you are an adult and in your own home (or anywhere, really) you have every right to expect a basic level of civility. I know it’s hard but would it work to talk to her a bit and ‘own’ your comments e.g. “I feel like I’m being blanked here DSD - I’d like that to change and perhaps we might get on a bit better?” (Or something like that). Without blaming her but letting her know that you’ve got feelings too, and they matter.