Rude DSD

[PollyPepper]

Will keep it brief. Need some useful and thoughtful advice please. Usual vipers not welcome.

DSD, 15. Just got back from work, DH has taken DSS to football so just me and her. I come in, she's lying on the sofa on her phone, with a film on. I heat up my food (she had already had hers), feed the animals, come into the lounge.
'Hello DSD you alright darling?'
(In a very rude and surly way 'Yeah'.

Nothing else. Thats literally it. She has form for this, I have had to sit her down before and ask her that at least when I say hello I would appreciate a hello back.

The atmosphere is awful, awkward and toxic. DH not back until 8PM.

I've come up to my bedroom to read. I feel like a lodger in my own home and her the moody landlord who doesn't like me encroaching on her space.

I have tried EVERYTHING. I mean everything over the years. (Been with DH 6 years, married for 2). I've done talking, I've done days out, I've done stepping back, I've organised daddy/daughter days, but I'm getting to the stage where I think its honestly just her personality, and thats okay, but surely a basic level of respect is ok?

Its not just me shes like this with, she's even worse with her mum and DH but I just don't feel strong enough to deal with it.

Their experience of being a parent is entirely different!
Of course it is, no-one is denying it but it is the same experience for the teenager. Or should they be themselves when at their bio home, but act in a unatural way when at their dad because their SM is taking personally that they don't engage in a conversation with them?

Her behaviour is normal. What would be normal to is for anyone living there to ask if they could move a bit so they could sit there too if there is nowhere else to do so and ask when the film is due to be over, saying that they'd like to watch their programme then.

They could also have an adult conversation with the SC to explain that they'd like to be able to watch TV at X time after they are back from work so could they then engage in another activity.

Enough with this bullshit generalising. I was never like this, mine were never like this, and I know loads of teens who are not/were not like this. Of course every teen can have moments, but this jaw dropping, chronic lack of respect and nastiness to their parents is not normal, and it certainly shouldn't be tolerated

Totally agree. I never spoke to my parents like this, nor did I speak to my step-parents like this.

It is just plain rude.

If she's making the atmosphere unpleasant I'd claim back the tv and she can go to her room.

I find it rude and entitled that someone expect a person engrossed in a film to put it on hold to make conversation with them because they want to converse at that particular time

I'm lost for words 😂

I can only imagine those defending the rude behaviour are without manners or social skills themselves.

@ThreeWitches same here. My mum and dad would have torn me a new one if I’d been so rude to them!
Kids these days seem to be excused any awful behaviour under the guise of “teenage hormones”. It’s not, it’s just rudeness.

@Wintercoffee

Just being a normal teenager. She will grow out of it eventually

Well the OP says she's been like this since she was 8 so.....and for what it's worth I have a 14 year old and neither he nor any of his friends are permanently like this, you might have the odd moment or day where they are rude, hard to be around, etc but it's certainly not their perpetual state.

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@ThreeWitches same here. My mum and dad would have torn me a new one if I’d been so rude to them!
Kids these days seem to be excused any awful behaviour under the guise of “teenage hormones”. It’s not, it’s just rudeness.[/quote]
Yes I absolutely agree. A bit of surliness here and there, yes, but people on mumsnet take excusing "normal teen behaviour" really far.

Of course as step mums we’re expected to put our lives, needs, wants and comfort in our own home on hold or remove altogether for the sake of stepchildren who can’t even manage a simple greeting! Those who forget their place must be reminded harshly on this forum!!

@MarcusRashford

Of course as step mums we’re expected to put our lives, needs, wants and comfort in our own home on hold or remove altogether for the sake of stepchildren who can’t even manage a simple greeting! Those who forget their place must be reminded harshly on this forum!!

My step mum was a fantastic woman, I loved her to pieces, she taught me how to behave and she disciplined me, moreso than my dad. If I'd have been left to my own mother I wouldn't of stood a chance. Lost her last year, she is truly missed. Think we should just take each person on an individual basis.

This sounds like both my DSD's who I'm very close with. If anyone says "Hi x, you ok?" You just get back "yeh" - me and DH have said numerous times it's rude and you should always say "yes thanks, are you?" And they never bloody do! Ive taken to just saying "yeah I'm fine; thanks for asking" pretty sarcastically if it's to me but if it's to DGP or anyone else I'll pull them up on it. Sounds like all teenagers are a bit like this now...

@girlmom21

She's a teenager - what are you expecting?

"Expecting" Well lets see, common decency? a one word hello? a little respect? Since when does being a teenager absolve her of obligation to have any manners. Ffs

@Shelddd

It seems like you are trying to micromanage her speech. Literally going as far as to suggest what words are appropriate when saying hello. By the way you didn't even say hello, you asked if she was alright and that is a yes or no question which she answered yes to. It wasn't really an engaging question.

FFS no the OP wasn't trying to do anything of the sort. She just wanted a polite response in her own home, a reasonable enough expectation I'd have thought.

I have to wonder about those who are saying this is just teenager behaviour and calling the OP out of daring to mind that's she's treated this rudely in her own home... who is going to teach them manners, or call them out on shitty behaviour, if their families don't?!

@LemonRoses

In fairness to the child, you sound like you have a horrible attitude towards her. The girls not actually done anything very wrong. Maybe next time, tell her beforehand that you’d like to go out for a meal together or will pick up a takeaway and involve inheritance in choosing. Ask about her day. Pay her compliments. Try liking her.

Certainly don’t send her out with her father. A fifteen year old should be able to relax in their own home.

In fairness to the grown adult who is currently being shown no respect in her own home, the child should at least be capable of saying the word hello. The SD is in the wrong, and with most children and adults, when you do something wrong there are consequences.

The suggestion that the OP should actually reward the rude and surly behavior with a takeaway is ludicrous, as it will just encourage more of the same and the passive aggressive comment 'try liking her' is even worse. Why can the OP not just object to the behavior of the SD. Come to think of it, I wouldn't like someone who was constantly rude to me and being a child does not give you a free pass to behave however you want.

@cherrytreecottage

This sounds like both my DSD's who I'm very close with. If anyone says "Hi x, you ok?" You just get back "yeh" - me and DH have said numerous times it's rude and you should always say "yes thanks, are you?" And they never bloody do! Ive taken to just saying "yeah I'm fine; thanks for asking" pretty sarcastically if it's to me but if it's to DGP or anyone else I'll pull them up on it. Sounds like all teenagers are a bit like this now...

The OP was I think just giving this as but one example of a wider problem of rudeness, disengagement, awkwardness, etc. If it were only the 'yeah' she'd be laughing (or at least not stressing about)

I have to wonder about those who are saying this is just teenager behaviour and calling the OP out of daring to mind that's she's treated this rudely in her own home... who is going to teach them manners, or call them out on shitty behaviour, if their families don't?!

Cautionary tale... One of my DSCs was always 'off' to the DGM (DH's mother, not mine). Wouldn't speak on the phone, kept palming DGM off with excuses etc. The siblings buttered gran up, played along, showed a bit of respect. Guess which of the DSC lost out when it came to significant sums for their further education? Gran was not amused, and demonstrated that financially.

My dd is 11 and already becoming like this. I think it's normal!

I'm reading the replies here with interest as I find my DSD exactly like this.

Today (just as an example) we collected her to take her to our house overnight as suggested by her (just pointing out she wasn't dragged under duress). She opened the car door and sat in with me, her had and our child, in total silence. We all said hello, no answer. This continued for the next few hours, grunts when asked a direct question, a few words in response when totally necessary but in an utterly long suffering manner. We were out for lunch in a nice new restaurant, finally I snapped "have I missed something here, what is going on?" She sort of shifted a little then, said nothing was going on and made minimal effort.

It's all the time and I'm really finding it tough. She is vile to out child (her sister). I've tried ignoring it, joking about it, talking directly to her about it, no response just raised eyebrows and denial of any issue.

@wigjuice I don't say "our child" in front of her no, I use people's names but I didn't think it would be helpful or appropriate here.

She asks to stay because she was getting stressed out if something was on in her mum's that she didn't want to miss but was supposed to be with us so now we just say "come whenever you want, we will always collect you" This fluid arrangement works better, she spends more time here than she did before and can plan her own stuff.

What do you mean does my husband describe her as his child? I'm not even sure if you're referring to my DSC or DC but he refers to both of them as his children. I say 'the girls' about them collectively.

I find it interesting that you describe her sister as our child, twice
I just eye rolled so hard I nearly fell over. People will literally grasp at anything in these threads.
It’s pathetic.

@Wigjuice
Why on earth can’t she call her own daughter ‘our child’ just why? Never in a month of sundays would you ever ask two bio parents that question, never. It has nothing to do with what the OP is concerned about, Bridezilla is purely giving you context