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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Rude DSD

158 replies

PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:20

Will keep it brief. Need some useful and thoughtful advice please. Usual vipers not welcome. Smile

DSD, 15. Just got back from work, DH has taken DSS to football so just me and her. I come in, she's lying on the sofa on her phone, with a film on. I heat up my food (she had already had hers), feed the animals, come into the lounge.
'Hello DSD you alright darling?'
(In a very rude and surly way 'Yeah'.

Nothing else. Thats literally it. She has form for this, I have had to sit her down before and ask her that at least when I say hello I would appreciate a hello back.

The atmosphere is awful, awkward and toxic. DH not back until 8PM.

I've come up to my bedroom to read. I feel like a lodger in my own home and her the moody landlord who doesn't like me encroaching on her space.

I have tried EVERYTHING. I mean everything over the years. (Been with DH 6 years, married for 2). I've done talking, I've done days out, I've done stepping back, I've organised daddy/daughter days, but I'm getting to the stage where I think its honestly just her personality, and thats okay, but surely a basic level of respect is ok?

Its not just me shes like this with, she's even worse with her mum and DH but I just don't feel strong enough to deal with it. Sad

OP posts:
Bibidy · 28/07/2021 14:57

@SpaceshiptoMars

Several things for me:
  • No acknowledgement when OP returns home after a day's work
  • She's already had her food, but doesn't stick her head out the door and offer to make OP a cup of tea
  • hogging the main seating area, doesn't put her legs down when OP comes into the room with her food
  • no eye contact when OP enters, bet she would at least nod at her Dad
  • snotty tone of voice when spoken to

I'd be having a word on all the above, because it's unwelcoming and ungracious behaviour.

Ok so I wouldn't expect her to make me a cup of tea LOL. I doubt many teens would jump up and do that on someone walking in.

BUT I'd expect a hello and for her to say something about how long her film had left and potentially offer to switch it off if it had ages to go, since as you say, she's monopolising the main living area of the house at a time when someone else was clearly expected home.

Yahtze · 28/07/2021 15:13

I think you need to speak to her yourself. She's not a small unruly child. I think you'll get a lot more respect from her if you address it with her yourself. "House rules" would also help. Things like not monopolising the tv, saying hello etc. If you talk to her about her behaviour and she's rude back then I'd bring her father into it. 50:50 at that age would be fairly brutal. I'm sure it's not helping.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/07/2021 15:53

Set out your stall with your values. It is good to state your expectations and get them to work towards them. I had crazy high expectations placed on me, which (I hasten to add) I did not meet, but did come within shouting distance of most of them in the end.

(Am assuming the home is probably owned by OP, even though now married, and that she works to pay for the roof over the little princess' head...)

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 17:15

@excelledyourself

I can totally see the difference, but she literally said one word to OP. Answered the question she was asked

OP didn't attempt to engage any further, so I'd definitely say sending her to her room is a complete over reaction in the circumstances

Yes, to this one incident in isolation it would be an overreaction, but the OP has said she is always like this with her. It’s an established pattern of behaviour which has lead to the OP feeling uncomfortable in her own home and even admitting she’s a bit scared of her SD’s reactions!

So no, it’s not ok. We’re not focussing on this one incident but the situation we’re focussing on as a whole. If she was my SD (or bio DD) she’d have been asked to go to her room after speaking to me like that.

excelledyourself · 28/07/2021 17:20

[quote SpongebobNoPants]@excelledyourself

I can totally see the difference, but she literally said one word to OP. Answered the question she was asked

OP didn't attempt to engage any further, so I'd definitely say sending her to her room is a complete over reaction in the circumstances

Yes, to this one incident in isolation it would be an overreaction, but the OP has said she is always like this with her. It’s an established pattern of behaviour which has lead to the OP feeling uncomfortable in her own home and even admitting she’s a bit scared of her SD’s reactions!

So no, it’s not ok. We’re not focussing on this one incident but the situation we’re focussing on as a whole. If she was my SD (or bio DD) she’d have been asked to go to her room after speaking to me like that.[/quote]
Well that's what I'm referring to. After one incident like that, you would send a child to their room?

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 17:27

@excelledyourself well why would you be referring to that in the context of this thread?
I never said after a single incident Confused U was responding within context, no I wouldn’t tolerate the behaviour of OP’s SD (or any other child if it was my home) in this situation they would have been asked to remove themselves from communal spaces if they didn’t want to be polite.
As I said previously, having an off day is fine, being repeatedly and continually rude to the point you’re making other people in the household uncomfortable isn’t.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 17:27

I* was responding in context

excelledyourself · 28/07/2021 17:52

Your first reply to @Branleuse certainly read as how you you would respond to a single incident. And that is when I asked my question. In context to that reply.

QueenCoconut · 28/07/2021 18:08

I’m not sure I agree with pp saying she should go to her ow room. Living room is a communal area, this includes the kids and teenagers too surely?
I wouldn’t send a 15 year old away just because they are not in a mood to converse with me . My 16yo often answers me in this way and it’s in no way rude (unless you are determined to read it this way) - it’s a normal teenager language. I often turn it into a joke and say something like good - nice talking to you as usual and then sit on a sofa next to her and watch whatever she’s watching. Guaranteed within 30 minutes the atmosphere changes and we are both laughing.
Another thing I’ve noticed with my dd is that her sitting in the living room is usually a sign that she wants to be around others - even without talking to them. She just doesn’t want to be alone all day.
If she’s not in a sociable mood she will leave the room (not in a rude way) if I try to ‘engage’ too much.
This behaviour is frequently observed with parents as evidenced on this thread , I would say stepparents expecting to be treated any different is a very optimistic attitude.
Perhaps it’s worth trying to understand her a little better and not to change her into someone she’s not? I only suggest it with hope that it might work and the relationship between you two improves.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 18:08

@excelledyourself ahhh well you’ve chosen to misinterpret it then, the comment just below that I said the occasionally grumpy day is fine, not consistently rude though.
Seems like you’re looking for a reason to disagree for some reason.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 18:14

Another thing I’ve noticed with my dd is that her sitting in the living room is usually a sign that she wants to be around others - even without talking to them. She just doesn’t want to be alone all day
That’s really quite sweet, you know your daughter and I’m assuming don’t feel bullied by her and feel comfortable joking about her grumpiness.

Unfortunately with my oldest SD it wasn’t done with such intention, it was a flex of dominance over her younger sister, myself or my kids. Therefore a quick reply of “please don’t be rude, this is the family room which is for everyone to enjoy. If you want quiet or to be left alone then you can always go to your room”. Not kicking her out as such, but there are expected levels of respect if you’re sitting in a communal area. Communal rooms aren’t for children to dominate or dictate the atmosphere.

excelledyourself · 28/07/2021 18:18

No, not at all. Just taking it in context of the post I was asking about and your subsequent reply to me.

Nonose · 28/07/2021 19:14

I also feel like there are too many excuses these days for 'teen behaviour'. My mom would never have let me behave like that as a teen and I would never let my daughter behave that way. I don't agree with having to put up with it. It's just rude. Big hugs.

MarcusRashford · 28/07/2021 20:37

I could have written your posts and updates. My SD (although i’m now separated from her father) was exactly like this.

It’s incredibly difficult to be around. My home never felt like my own when she was around. I was constantly on eggshells.

I had a feeling her mother was stirring in the background to make it worse.

She was one of the main reasons we’re separated. That and the fact her father refused to see what she was doing.

MarcusRashford · 28/07/2021 20:39

I hate the judgements from mothers who clearly have no idea how difficult it is to be a step parent to a teen!! Their experience of being a parent is entirely different!

Durbeyfield · 28/07/2021 20:56

MarcusRashford I agree with you. I was married for a short time to a man who didn’t address his son’s attitude towards me and ultimately the sarcasm and passive aggressive behaviour led to my throwing in the towel (it was for the best).

MarcusRashford · 28/07/2021 21:01

It was a very hard decision to make but his children (mostly daughter) made my life a pure misery. He was also at fault for being so weak. There were too many times I was a stranger in my own home. I’m sorry to hear you had similar @Durbeyfield.

Branleuse · 28/07/2021 21:45

@SpaceshiptoMars

Several things for me:
  • No acknowledgement when OP returns home after a day's work
  • She's already had her food, but doesn't stick her head out the door and offer to make OP a cup of tea
  • hogging the main seating area, doesn't put her legs down when OP comes into the room with her food
  • no eye contact when OP enters, bet she would at least nod at her Dad
  • snotty tone of voice when spoken to

I'd be having a word on all the above, because it's unwelcoming and ungracious behaviour.

Its her home, not boot camp.
Branleuse · 28/07/2021 21:47

@MarcusRashford

I hate the judgements from mothers who clearly have no idea how difficult it is to be a step parent to a teen!! Their experience of being a parent is entirely different!
It isnt though. This doesnt even sound particularly rude. Sounds to me like OP is making something out of nothing.
QueenCoconut · 28/07/2021 22:27

@MarcusRashford

I hate the judgements from mothers who clearly have no idea how difficult it is to be a step parent to a teen!! Their experience of being a parent is entirely different!
Not sure if you included my post in this but I have three stepchildren.
MarcusRashford · 28/07/2021 23:08

It might sound like making something out of nothing to someone who hasn’t experienced being ostracised by a bad mannered teen in your own home for years on end.
Believe me, it most definitely isn’t nothing!

MarcusRashford · 28/07/2021 23:12

@QueenCoconut it was for mothers who make judgement of step mums but have no experience of being a SM. Being a parent is vastly different. The maternal bond is the strongest thing - you will excuse almost everything. As a step mum I didn’t even like my SC at the end, I’m not proud of that, I would never feel that way about my own regardless of what they did.

ZenNudist · 28/07/2021 23:19

I'd stop pussy footing around her. Ignore the rudeness and get on with your own plans. So if she's in your living room glowering tell her to go glower elsewhere. Just say you don't mind teen behaviour but if she can't be pleasant then can she go and sulk in her room. You know it's normal behaviour for teen and be kind to her but don't be cowed.

Halo1234 · 28/07/2021 23:25

Meh. I would rise above. Water off a ducks back. You can't change her or her attitude. You can change yours. Who cares if she is not full of smiles and chat. Just let her be. Enjoy your book. Dont make it a huge issue and try and make her behave exactly the way you think she should... down to how she greets closely family. Home is where she should kick back and relax. In the long run it will preserve your relationship for after the moody teenage years. Whilst not being particularly polite she is just chilling in her living room. Not doing any harm really. Just not friendly or wanting lots of chat. Keep your door open to her and in the meantime enjoy your book and tell her to let you know when her program is done because u want to watch something or if u want to room back say "oh do u mind watching that in your room I was going to watch x" invest in her and what she likes. Nails done together? Dont let a little bit or grumpiness make u become the enemy.

Branleuse · 29/07/2021 00:32

@MarcusRashford

It might sound like making something out of nothing to someone who hasn’t experienced being ostracised by a bad mannered teen in your own home for years on end. Believe me, it most definitely isn’t nothing!
OP said she us like this, if not worse, with her mum and dad, so its likely not trying to ostracise anyone, she is likely a surly monosyllabic teen like so many are, and a grumpy sod. Sometimes you just have to be the adult. Chances are in a few years she will be making her own way in life. Teenagers do get through this stage and become human again.