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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Rude DSD

158 replies

PollyPepper · 27/07/2021 19:20

Will keep it brief. Need some useful and thoughtful advice please. Usual vipers not welcome. Smile

DSD, 15. Just got back from work, DH has taken DSS to football so just me and her. I come in, she's lying on the sofa on her phone, with a film on. I heat up my food (she had already had hers), feed the animals, come into the lounge.
'Hello DSD you alright darling?'
(In a very rude and surly way 'Yeah'.

Nothing else. Thats literally it. She has form for this, I have had to sit her down before and ask her that at least when I say hello I would appreciate a hello back.

The atmosphere is awful, awkward and toxic. DH not back until 8PM.

I've come up to my bedroom to read. I feel like a lodger in my own home and her the moody landlord who doesn't like me encroaching on her space.

I have tried EVERYTHING. I mean everything over the years. (Been with DH 6 years, married for 2). I've done talking, I've done days out, I've done stepping back, I've organised daddy/daughter days, but I'm getting to the stage where I think its honestly just her personality, and thats okay, but surely a basic level of respect is ok?

Its not just me shes like this with, she's even worse with her mum and DH but I just don't feel strong enough to deal with it. Sad

OP posts:
SpaceshiptoMars · 28/07/2021 11:47

Is there just the one sofa in the room? If so, it's a bit much to be commandeering it by lying on it.

Bibidy · 28/07/2021 11:48

@vivainsomnia

No, it’s not normal teenage behaviour, it’s entitled, rude behaviour that is not ok She was in the middle of something, watching a film. I find it rude and entitled that someone expect a person engrossed in a film to put it on hold to make conversation with them because they want to converse at that particular time.

As for moving to the bedroom, that's a result of how OP felt. I too also discovered that my kids don't mind me at all being next to them whilst they are engrossed in something. You can sit in the same area without engaging in a conversation. Teenagers do it amongst themselves!!

But OP had just walked into the house, it's not like she'd wandered in for a chat when she knew SD was watching a film.

Surely if you were watching a film and your husband walked in from work, you'd at least say hello or even pause to have a quick chat before going back to it? I feel like that's what most people would do.

Tbh I wouldn't care too much about this as kids can just be thoughtless and rude. I was a very anti-social teen when it came to my family but that's why I spent all my time in my room. But I wouldn't say there was nothing wrong in my attitude.

aSofaNearYou · 28/07/2021 11:49

You sound too scared of disciplining her OP. You have her 50/50 and are left alone with her sometimes- just tell her off like a parent would. It will make everyone's lives so much better. You do not need to sit there feeling like you're not allowed to say anything to her and it's the end of the world if you piss her off.

Tiredoftattler · 28/07/2021 12:13

Home should be one of the safest places to be in a mood. You issued a typical greeting and she answered in a not atypical teenage fashion if you want to prescribe how a moody teenager should respond, you should probably give them a script.

It might be healthier to just ignore this phase and stage with the awareness that this too shall pass.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/07/2021 12:19

When I was being particularly annoying, my Dad would raise an eyebrow and say 'Your turn will come....' He never lived to see it though!

IcedSpice · 28/07/2021 12:20

@Cloverforever

Your last comment sounds like you begrudge her having a nice room?
how??

it was literally in answer to a direct question

excelledyourself · 28/07/2021 13:12

it was literally in answer to a direct question

Same as the DSD.

Bibidy · 28/07/2021 13:21

@Tiredoftattler

Home should be one of the safest places to be in a mood. You issued a typical greeting and she answered in a not atypical teenage fashion if you want to prescribe how a moody teenager should respond, you should probably give them a script.

It might be healthier to just ignore this phase and stage with the awareness that this too shall pass.

You can be in a mood but you can also expect consequences to follow that. In a bio home, I'm pretty sure SD would have got a sarky comment in return and probably would have been booted off the sofa, potentially had to turn her film off if it's not near the end.

Step situations just make it all feel so much harder because there are so many more potential consequences to a step-parent speaking up as a parent naturally would do.

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/07/2021 13:26

I wouldn't be walking on eggshells in my own home. I'd be sitting squarely on the sofa saying budge up there's no room for me, eating loudly and saying I don't fancy watching this then flicking through all the channels.
I'd also text her dad and to hell what she thinks of you.

Branleuse · 28/07/2021 13:59

@SpongebobNoPants

This is totally normal teenage behaviour. I was expecting something worse. Christ my daughters 24 and she will still occasionally pull this shit

Bloody hell! I definitely wouldn’t tolerate this behaviour from a fully grown adult! What a rude woman Shock

No, it’s not normal teenage behaviour, it’s entitled, rude behaviour that is not ok. Being a bit grumpy is understandable but if it’s making feel like you need to retreat to your room then it’s gone too far.

My eldest SD actually “Shhhh” at me last week when I was letting the dogs out through the patio doors in the living room, I said “that was rude, don’t do that”, she did it again to her sister less than 2 mins later when she asked what we were having for funny so I told her again not to shhhh people in a communal room.

She snapped at me so I turned the tv off. I will not tolerate being spoken to like that by a child, any child. Especially not in my own home.

how would you not tolerate it?

If someone is a member of the household and they are on the phone and watching telly and are a bit monosyllabic or their tone is a bit off when greeted, it is hardly evidence of a terrible person. It isnt ideal polite behaviour but its well within the realms of normal. The stepmother retreating to her room upset and not able to even say "cheer up dude" just sounds kind of weak. Especially tattling to her dad.

Everyone is allowed to have off days. Even children. Dont you ever feel like not talking to people?

Bibidy · 28/07/2021 14:25

Everyone is allowed to have off days. Even children. Dont you ever feel like not talking to people?

I think it's fine if it's an off-day, but not if it's a general pattern of behaviour, particularly if it's mainly directed at one specific member of the household.

It sounds like this is an ongoing thing with OP's SD.

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 14:27

In a bio home, I'm pretty sure SD would have got a sarky comment in return and probably would have been booted off the sofa, potentially had to turn her film off if it's not near the end
Well a number of posters have said that this is normal teenage behaviour, so no, I don't think it would have raised an eyebrow in most bio home.

If I wanted to sit there and watch TV and there is no other place to sit, I would have asked if they could sit up and let me sit, but I wouldn't have forced conversation from my kids. She did acknowledge OP in the same way the acknowledge themselves. Teenagers like to make the most of the house when we're away and then not interrupt what they are doing when we come in. It really really isn't a step issue, it is how a large majority of them are.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 14:28

@Branleuse I would not let my children or any other children speak to me in a snippy tone I wouldn’t tolerate it at all. I tell them they’re being rude and if they don’t want to talk that’s fine but they need to remove themselves from communal space… go to their rooms or go out for a walk.
I certainly wouldn’t feel like I couldn’t relax in my own home due to grumpiness or hostility from a child.

Bibidy · 28/07/2021 14:31

Well a number of posters have said that this is normal teenage behaviour, so no, I don't think it would have raised an eyebrow in most bio home.

Disagree. I'm not saying it's not normal teen behaviour but just that in many bio homes her rudeness would be commented on/snapped back at and SD would likely have ended up storming out of the room and off to her bedroom.

I don't think she's necessarily being this way because of the step-situation, but I think it's definitely more awkward for OP because of that. She doesn't feel she can respond in the same way she likely would if SD was her own daughter.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 14:32

@Branleuse also an off “day” occasionally is fine, but the OP has said it is her attitude all the time, not just today.
That is what makes it unacceptable. Not a chance in hell would I tiptoe someone else’s constant moods.

excelledyourself · 28/07/2021 14:32

Because a child doesn't want to chat, they can't sit in the living room, minding their own business?

bigbaggyeyes · 28/07/2021 14:35

I think step parents are dammed if they do, and damned if they don't. I have a teenage daughter but because she's my daughter I just roll my eyes, pick my battles and don't take it personally when she does stuff like you've mentioned. I know when she does exactly the same to my dh (not her Dad) he takes it personally and gets upset.

I think you really have to step back and simply ignore it and don't take it personally. But I'd also not hide away. If you want to sit downstairs and watch a program then do so. If she complains when you turn the telly over the well tough, she either watches the telly or goes on her phone, not both.

TwinsandTrifle · 28/07/2021 14:35

In fairness to the child, you sound like you have a horrible attitude towards her.

No, you really don't. You sound like a SM asking for advice Hmm

I do agree with a lot of PP that this is not particularly unheard of behaviour for a teen. Sprawled about, attached to their phone, a glance up and a one word answer. The sigh that you've interrupted their terribly important texting with your conversation. DS is 13 and does all of this. He's in "his world" that us terribly uncool adults insist on encroaching on Grin

If he's naughty, he has his phone confiscated (the ultimate punishment!) and he's like a different person to communicate with.

Having said that, you say she's been like this since age 8? Poor attitude and one word answers to you, her mother and DH for the last 7 years?

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 14:36

@Bibidy I completely agree with your last few comments

Bibidy · 28/07/2021 14:37

@bigbaggyeyes

I think step parents are dammed if they do, and damned if they don't. I have a teenage daughter but because she's my daughter I just roll my eyes, pick my battles and don't take it personally when she does stuff like you've mentioned. I know when she does exactly the same to my dh (not her Dad) he takes it personally and gets upset.

I think you really have to step back and simply ignore it and don't take it personally. But I'd also not hide away. If you want to sit downstairs and watch a program then do so. If she complains when you turn the telly over the well tough, she either watches the telly or goes on her phone, not both.

I completely agree. It is the step-family angle which makes this situation harder, because many wouldn't feel comfortable to react in the way a bio parent would, and also may take it to heart as a sign that a stepchild doesn't like them.

PS. I wouldn't turn the TV over as I used to HATE when my mum would come in and do that to me. But I'd ask when the film would be finished and either sit and watch the rest, or come back then and take over the TV.

SpongebobNoPants · 28/07/2021 14:38

@Bibidy I completely agree with your last few comments

@excelledyourself you really can’t see the difference between sitting quietly and speaking rudely to the adult?
And no, if they are going to be grumpy then they can go to their room. I’ll be damned if I’m being made to feel uncomfortable as the adult in my own home!

excelledyourself · 28/07/2021 14:42

I can totally see the difference, but she literally said one word to OP. Answered the question she was asked.

OP didn't attempt to engage any further, so I'd definitely say sending her to her room is a complete over reaction in the circumstances.

Bibidy · 28/07/2021 14:46

@excelledyourself

I can totally see the difference, but she literally said one word to OP. Answered the question she was asked.

OP didn't attempt to engage any further, so I'd definitely say sending her to her room is a complete over reaction in the circumstances.

Hmm I dunno tbh, I think lots of us would pick up on an attitude if we came in and basically said "Heyyy SD, how are you honey, you ok?" and got 'yeah' back in response! Especially if the child in question has form for grumpiness. It's not like OP walked in and just said "Did my parcel come today?" or whatever.

I can see why OP is drained by it and just walked away. Personally I wouldn't have taken myself off to my room though, but I can see why it was tempting.

SpaceshiptoMars · 28/07/2021 14:52

Several things for me:

  • No acknowledgement when OP returns home after a day's work
  • She's already had her food, but doesn't stick her head out the door and offer to make OP a cup of tea
  • hogging the main seating area, doesn't put her legs down when OP comes into the room with her food
  • no eye contact when OP enters, bet she would at least nod at her Dad
  • snotty tone of voice when spoken to

I'd be having a word on all the above, because it's unwelcoming and ungracious behaviour.

vivainsomnia · 28/07/2021 14:54

I think you really have to step back and simply ignore it and don't take it personally. But I'd also not hide away. If you want to sit downstairs and watch a program then do so. If she complains when you turn the telly over the well tough, she either watches the telly or goes on her phone, not both
That sums it up perfectly.